The Bachelor Canada, Week 5: Roller Coasters and Revolving Doors

Welcome to Week 5 of Bachelor Canada. Someone send out a Missing Persons report, Tyler the host has disappeared. It's like when North Korean leader Kim Jung-un went missing, except it's not the same at all and no one seems to care. But maybe Tim Warmels does care: he doesn't get to debrief with anyone and no one is there to announce his last rose of the ceremony. How does he handle it?!

Random thought, I wonder if Tyler ever met Chris Harrison in the Bachelor Underworld. I bet they had drinks in Chris's fiery den while rejected contestants were forced to serve the hosts hors d'oeuvres. Aaaaand...here's your recap!

Back in Toronto

Isn't it weird how Toronto is pronounced "Toronno?" This is where Tim Warmels lives and rides his motorcycle which cannot be confused with what Pulp Fiction would call a "chopper." Tim's Toronto look still has stubble - hopefully he'll shave when he proposes.

From Ocean Sharks to Pool Sharks

April gets the only one-on-one date with the awkward title of: "Let's hit the road so I can show you my world." Who thought up that gem? Tim picks her up on his motorcycle-not-chopper. I would be way less scared of swimming with sharks than going on that teeny motorcycle. But I'd be more scared of the death swing that Tim and Lisa went on. Have some free time? Make your own Bachelor Fear-Hierarchy!

Tim talks about spending 90 hours a week at the office and showering at work. April talks about her 7-year relationship that ended in betrayal. Tim seems smitten with her. Does anyone remember the first week when April said she was a lot of work but "worth it"? Someone should show Tim that footage. They go to the "The Raq" where they play pool. April is good at pool. She proposes a bet that Tim accepts: If she wins, she rides his motorcycle, but if Tim wins he gets a kiss. Predictably, he wins and gets the kiss. But how great would it have been if April won, drove Tim's motorcycle, and sent him off with a handshake? See ya, sucka!

Next time, don't let him win

Roller Coaster = Tired Bachelor Metaphor

Kaylynn, Lisa, Sachelle, and Trisha get invited to the Canada's Wonderland amusement park. Dominique is upset to be excluded and sees it as a bad sign. More on that later. It's nighttime, and the amusement park is closed down so the outing is private. I'm wondering if the rides are run by a carnie who looks like this:

"Wanna ride the teacups?"

Tim calls himself an "adrenaline junkie." This is never a good sign in a boyfriend. Someone who needs constant excitement will be reluctant to empty the dishwasher. Everyone on the date seems into it and they all go on a roller coaster together. Trisha is the most scared of rides and is concerned she will "charf" which I looked up and it means what it sounds like.

Trisha may not have won many pageants, but she wins for best facial expressions.

Lisa is in her usual mode, saying that the other girls are soooo dramatic and she's obviously the cool one. They go to have a hot rod race and Lisa is sure she'll win. Kaylynn does not know how to drive and reveals that Lisa "terrifies" her.

This picture was taken after Lisa ran over a squirrel

Somehow, Kaylynn manages to run Lisa off the track and wins the race! The other women get stuck in a diner eating fried dough and cotton candy (not so bad if you think about it), while Kaylynn kisses Tim in a fake drive-in car outside, where everyone can see. When Kaylynn returns, Lisa goes on the attack. Kaylynn could have won this one by staying cool and being unapologetic (remember Courtney from Ben's Bachelor season?). Or she could have stuffed that doughy pie in Lisa's face. Instead, the expected occurs and the conflict ends with Kaylynn crying in the bathroom.

I'm left wondering why the women are mad at Kaylynn, while Tim gets a pass. It's like when the husband cheats and the wife is only mad at the other woman. Really? In 2014? The women's relationships are supposedly with Tim not Kaylynn, so he should be the target of the angryfeels. But of course, that's too threatening to their security so the anger gets displaced. Sigh, this show is stuck in the 1950s like that diner.

One Return, One Loss and Tim Breaks Even

There's a revolving door at the hotel. First, Natalie the French teacher returns to get closure. She dyed her hair darker and looks more confident. She goes to Tim's hotel room and says she regrets leaving. Tim says he needs time to process her return.

But tell us how you really feel about Natalie's return

Another knock on Tim's hotel room door: Dominique, disappointed by her lack of one-on-one time, tells Tim that she's leaving. Was a date planned and Dominique left too soon? We'll never know. He noted regretting not giving her enough time. She seemed like a good prospect and it's his loss. Without naming names, she tells him to "be careful" about the women that are left. If he can't figure this out, I feel sorry for him. Even Dora the Explorer could easily solve this riddle.

Anyone else annoyed by all the Rimmel London ads? Enough with those pouty looks and that "on your lips" song. "On your lips! On your lips!" On my nerves.

Another Cold Weather Rose Ceremony

Since our host was kidnapped in Mexico, Tim's on his own for the rose ceremony. April already has a rose from her date. The other roses go to Trisha who didn't charf, Sachelle who may be in the friend zone, Kaylynn who cries instead of throwing dessert, and Lisa who overuses the expression "throw up in my mouth." Natalie gets the rejection closure she needed. She's not crying in the limo because it's just a 5-minute drive back to her place. She spends the rest of the evening making an eHarmony profile.

Potential Tim Wives

They Leave Out the Best Stuff

After watching the show, I went to read the Bachelor Canada blogs (I decided to stay in my pyjamas today). The editors must have cut some of the best footage. In April's blog, she said that she met Tim's best friend and his fiancée on their date. We also learn that Lisa drank WAY too much at the rose ceremony and ended up drunk and under the coffee table. She mentions that she blacked out and annoyed everyone. The other women refer to her yelling at Tim. She's so lucky this stuff didn't air. If she were on the American Bachelor, Chris Harrison would have been all over it! What else are you hiding from us, Bachelor Canada?

If you want to read the Bachelor Canada blogs click here.

Next Week

Tuscany! This show has a better budget than last season.

See you next week.