The Bachelor Season 19, Week 2 Recap: The Bachelor Zombie Apocalypse

Before we bachcap, big news this past week: Andi and Josh (from the last Bachelorette season) have broken up. They got along well when life was full of helicopters and private beaches, but the verdict is: Incompatible in Real Life. Cody and Michelle (Bachelor in Paradise) split in December (click here for more info).

As we know per Bachelor stats: Most Bachelor couples break up within a year. But that won't happen to Farmer Chris! Let's live in la-la-land for now because it's funner there. Let's bachcap!

New Yoga Pose: "The Pleading Lady"

This week starts where last week left off. Kimberly Yoga Teacher, who was not given a rose, begs to stay. Begging is a bad way to start a relationship. Chris seems tired and gives in.

The Boy Next Door

This season, Chris lives near the women's mansion (the Bachelor pad). Host Chris Harrison tempts the women to "find" time to interact with him because there are NO RULES. Except, contestants are not allowed to watch television, read or listen to music, so they can better develop their Chris obsession. Who cares about books, though, when house invasion rules have been lifted! (I'm being sarcastic as I am very against rules that prohibit READING).

Fun Fact: Tractors are Not Meant for Racing

First group date goes to: Tandra (arrived on motorcycle), Ashley I. (fake eyelashes), Mackenzie (Mother of Kale), Kimberly (yoga), and Tara (friends with Jameson and Jack Daniels). Chris is wearing a hoodie with a too-low zipper. No shirt under. Pull up that zipper! Your corn is embarrassed for you.

Not the Iowa look we expected

There's a pool party and Chris has a weird idea to re-introduce himself to Kimberly so they can make a fresh start. She loves it but it's soooo awkward. Like the worst improv scene ever. "Oh hello, nice to meet you stranger" (cringe).

The women are then led by Chris in their bikinis on the streets of LA to: a bikini tractor race! An activity that is equally demeaning and boring. The women "race" à la snail on the tractors and Ashley Eyelashes wins! She gets a little time with Chris and he seems okay with her.

This is 2015 - let's rejoice in how far women have come!

Chris cuts the group date short to have one-on-one time with Mackenzie the Kale Mama. All the other women are sad :( Chris and Mackenzie go to a bar which may be her first because she's 21 and hasn't been out in a year. Here's more about Mackenzie:

-Her man must have a "prominent nose"
-Believes in aliens
-Notices "weird stuff" including Chris's ear piercing hole
-Tells boring stories about her child. For example, all kids make an excited face when excited. This is not a story to tell a date. How she decided on Kale as a name? Now that would be a better story!

Mackenzie gets a rose because Chris can't kick her out post-Kale reveal. I don't see the chemistry but they dance and kiss a bit.

Back at the Mansion

Huge reveal: Juelia is a mom to a daughter named Ireland (slightly better name than Kale). She's also a widow after her husband tragically took his own life. The other women support her, but she's understandably scared to share this with Chris because she'll start to cry.

On a lighter note, Jillian (with the biceps) and Megan (make-up artist) sneak into Chris's place because Chris Harrison wants them to. Jillian's bathing suit is blacked out. What's going on under the bathing suit? Later this episode, Jordan says that Jillian is hairy but maybe that was just a steroid joke. Are they really censoring the hair? Megan wears Chris's motorcycle helmet and repeatedly bangs her head into the wall as a product safety test. Her previous job was as a crash test dummy. Um, why is a motorcycle parked inside the bedroom?

Back in the living room, Mackenzie TMIs her date with Chris to all the women and does not notice that NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THE GLOATING. It's like the boring kid stories but worse. We'd all rather hear about how she ended up single with a 1-year old by age 21. Tell the better stories, Mackenzie!

Megan Learns about the Bachelor

The first one-on-one date, surprisingly, goes to make-up artist Megan. Ironically, the make-up artist has pretty bad make-up - it's probably hard to calibrate how much is too much for TV. Megan's boss nominated her for the show and she seems a bit oblivious to its workings. She thought the date card ("Love is a natural wonder") was a love note.

Megan gets a 5-star date with Chris: plane to Las Vegas, scenic helicopter ride, and picnic in Grand Canyon. Although the picnic food wasn't stellar (cantaloupe in plastic container). More tragedy: Megan's dad passed away right after she was accepted for the show. Chris seems rather smitten with unassuming and sweet Megan. He gives a clumsy compliment that she has the "most beautiful blue eyes in North America." He loves her "giant heart" and can see a "future" with her. Unexpected top 5 contender!

Megan's one to watch!

Zombie Apocalypse Group Date

Thanks to whomever came up with the idea for a zombie apocalypse date. Love it! The Walking Dead meets The Bachelor is my two favourite shows happening at once. On this date we have: Kelsey (nice widow who maybe didn't appreciate the "To Death Do Us Part" date card), Trina (resident cougar), Alissa (flight attendant), Tracy (teacher, not yet cat lady), Jillian (biceps), Becca (blonde), Amber (shy bartender), Ashley S. (the kooky/scary one), Juelia (widow mom), Kaitlyn (jokey), and Britt (Angelina Jolie).

The limos arrive in a dark and deserted lot. Suddenly, zombies attack the limos! Everyone is screaming and freaking out. Chris arrives and announces: It's Zombie Paintball! As the women prepare to shoot the zombies, everyone is scared that Ashley S. doesn't understand the concept. She seems ready to shoot the people instead. Kaitlyn observes that Ashley S. shouldn't even be be armed with a "wet noodle." I would tend to agree. Ashley S. seems on another planet and is saying very odd, out of context things. I'm getting more concerned than amused. She's all: "You don't want to lose the whole world" and Chris is just smiling like it's normal conversation. We will add "good at humouring people" to Chris's list of attributes. But c'mon, let's get this woman some help please!

A weapon in the wrong hands

At the après-zombie party, Britt turns on the charm. She's an aspiring actress, for sure. Chris gives her a "free kiss" note to reciprocate her "free hug" note and they kiss. To Britt's great dismay, Kaitlyn (who is Canadian and lived in Germany for a boyfriend) gets the date rose because Chris likes genuine and funny. Go Canada! I think Sharleen from Juan Pablo's season was also a Canadian who lived in Germany. They are both irreverent and not the typical contestants.

Back at the mansion, Jordan (student) is having her own personal sorority frosh party and twerks while doing a handstand. She almost but not quite cracks her head open on bathroom tiles.

The Cocktail Party, AKA, "Please Keep Me!" Time with Chris

At the cocktail party, Whitney (fertility nurse with voice like Bernadette from Big Bang Theory) gives Chris a bottle of whiskey. Ashley I. (eyelashes) reveals to Mackenzie that she never had a boyfriend and is a virgin and Mackenzie is super-jealous. As maybe she should be, as Chris Harrison alluded to a virgin being in the fantasy suite later in the season. But then again, think about your first relationship and if you'd want it to be televised. There are many reasons NOT to be jealous of Ashley I.

Ashley I. dresses like a genie and lets Chris make a wish on her belly-button ring. He wishes for a kiss and she goes for it full throttle, like a Saint-Bernard eating a meatloaf. Amber also gets a kiss. Jordan has hit the bottle too much and attempts a kiss but is rebuffed because consent is not possible at that level of inebriation and Chris knows it. Also, eww.

Your first wish should always be to wish for a million more wishes

Chris has some great qualities, and I like him even more this week! He's great at dealing with people who are very drunk and acting strangely - smile and nod, and laugh with them, not at them. He also likes genuine and funny women. He's not too smooth with the compliments, but that's better than a player. The women often seem to have the upper hand. Chris will let them push him around a bit, but he'll make a stand if they go too far. And he's so cute (but do up the zipper next time). Chris, you seem like such a good guy! Don't prove me wrong, please.

There are still too many women here- 18 survive the apocalypse! My top picks are below. Roses go to:
Britt - Used to getting her man - Top pick!
Ashley I. - Two wishes left on her bellybutton - Top pick!
Trina - Cougar with no air time
Kelsey - Nice widow - Top pick!
Samantha - Dark hair, no airtime
Juelia - Widowed mom of Ireland
Amber - Shy bartender
Tracy - Teacher-not-cat-lady
Jillian - Biceps
Jade - Cosmetics developer - Dark Horse Award - there may be potential!
Nikki - Former cheerleader
Becca - Assists chiropractors
Carly - Cruise ship singer
Whitney - Fertility nurse with Bernadette voice
Ashley S. - Kooky/scary, and WHY DID SHE GET A ROSE AGAIN? I think the producers are allowed one rose for the first 5 episodes and this is how some people stay on.

Already had roses: Megan (make-up artist) - Top pick!; Mackenzie (made her own Kale); and Kaitlyn (funny Canadian) - Top pick!

Alissa, Kimberly, Jordan, Tandra, and Tara are sent packing.

My Predictions for the Rejected: 

Alissa: Takes a one-way ticket on Bachelor Air to nowheresville. But meets a cute pilot and lives happily ever after in the open skies.

Kimberly: Drowns her sorrow in intensive yoga and meditation. Becomes a buddhist monk.

Jordan: The partying and twerking continue back at the sorority. May not pass her classes next semester. Parents take away her credit card.

Tandra: Marries an executive.

Tara: Someone teaches her math and she realizes that there was a 29/30 chance of rejection on this show so she can't take it to heart. She gets herself and her Daisy Dukes to eharmony.com and is much more successful with dating. Although first, she must unfriend Jameson and Jack Daniel on Facebook. They are not helping her prospects.

COMING UP NEXT:

Jimmy Kimmel wakes up Chris and causes trouble! Can't wait. Loving the cross-pollination of the shows! 

If you want to fall in love with Chris a little bit more read his blog here!

See you next week.

There are too many women on this show, but there can never be too many kittens!