From Paradise to Marq-Hell

The world's weirdest resort is back for another week of Schadenfreude (you know, the German word for taking pleasure in the misery of others). A poorly kept secret: they're not really weeks at all. The editors did a sloppy job as various contestants admit that the weeks really last two to three days. There are seven episodes meaning the whole affair lasts a mere two to three weeks. This knowledge makes everyone's love quests all the more ridiculous.

"Week" Three Status Update

Marcus and Lacy are acting like smug marrieds. That term is stolen from Bridget Jones's Diary. How much better would this show be if Bridget Jones were on it? They really would benefit from a female contestant with an English accent who smokes and loves food and has no filter. Who's casting all these humourless, ernest singles? 

What this show really needs

Back to the show: Elise has fallen for Chris B., but his intentions are suspect. Zack and Clare are an item but she may like him more. Graham's still with AshLee despite this being a ticking time bomb. The rest is a bit murkier.

Flights to Campeche, on Sale at Costco

Bachelor in Paradise buys a value pack of flights to a place called Campeche for the dates this week. Marquel is mucho popular with the ladies. Michelle thinks he's the guy for her. Enter fresh blood in the form of Danielle (Juan Pablo's season). She's been crushing on Marquel and her date card goes to him. They seem to get along and she has nice freckles and fun hair. Marquel calls her a "great-looking girl" but has little else to say, so he says this six times.

The Rainbow With the Silver Lining

After the awkward rose refusal by Dylan, Elise has decided that Chris is her rainbow, silver lining, and light at the end of the tunnel. No pressure. Chris's knee tries to get him out of this situation by becoming sprained. The knee then tries to convince Chris not to go on a date with Elise. Here's a picture of the knee under ice trying to get its point across:

This knee speaks the truth

Chris fails to follow the good advice of his knee and goes on the date. On the date, Elise's shoes are as practical as her ideas about relationships. Chris's intentions don't seem all too honourable. He ignores his pain to pursue this conquest. Elise's green sequins bikini is not "find your soulmate" swimwear. They get two keys but only use one and yadda yadda yadda. 

Crush Crushed

Enter yet another contestant named Jackie (Sean's season - but I don't remember her). Marquel has just returned from his date with Danielle when Jackie asks him out. He's totally into it and loving the fact that he gets to feel like The Bachelor for a day! They use one of the Costco plane rides and say they don't kiss on first dates and then kiss.

Danielle knows that Marquel's date with Jackie is bad news and admits that "the rose is in his garden." I appreciate that she has new Bachelor metaphors to offer.

Kneed a Reality Check

Elise is relishing her role as Chris's caretaker. He's in so much pain he can't get up and therefore cannot explore other relationships. I'm reminded of Misery by Stephen King.

"I am your number one fan"

Elise exclaims: "This is my man forever!" Sarah tries to give her a reality check and is more direct than I've ever seen anyone be on this show (except Dylan). Elise will heed no warnings and it's full steam ahead on the Love Boat.

Turtle in the Land o' Hares

Zack and Clare are hanging out a lot. We'll just ignore the fact that Zack showed interest in Jackie when she first showed up. They see a turtle on the beach. Clare takes it as a sign that her dad is watching over her, which is sweet. It's funny to see a turtle on this show, the slowest moving of animals, when these humans are speed daters on Red Bull.

AshLee suffers from too-fast-itis and is starting to scare away Graham. She shares that she follows him on Istagram so she "really knows" the type of man he is. He makes facial expressions that are appropriate for the situation (shocked/confused-eye-widening). Her dress matches the tablecloth perfectly. Graham reminds her it's the first date and wisely decides that they will stay in separate rooms. Good call, Graham. Slow this train down!

And the Roses Go To...

The dress code for rose ceremonies is, shall we say, loose?

Rose ceremony or beach-time costume party?

There is a bit of a scuffle over Robert as Sarah and Michelle vie for his rose. Earlier this "week" Sarah was sad that Michelle had the courage to ask Robert on a "date" when she didn't. She is jealous of Michelle's beauty. But who will Robert pick?

Chris Harrison arrives to oversee the process. Graham gives his rose to AshLee. Zack's rose goes to Clare. Marcus picks Lacy. Marquel snubs Danielle and the rose goes to Jackie. Danielle should do better in the real world of dating. Robert is vibing better with Sarah than Michelle, so Sarah gets the rose.

Then, shock of all shocks, villain Chris B., possibly hyped on painkillers and/or delusional from pain almost redeems himself. He starts to offer the rose to Elise, then says he can't. He wants to go home, and he wants her to come with him! Turns out that he doesn't have health insurance and her 24-hour nursing skills will be of great benefit. He adds in a bunch of nice stuff about how awesome she is because he can only pay her with compliments, as his only recent employment has been from the Bachelor franchise. He offers his leftover rose to Michelle who he says is deserving of love. Everyone is tearing up and Michelle thinks this is the nicest gesture ever, but really it was either her or Danielle who he never even spoke to. Danielle is thus the odd-woman out, and as she explains it, enters the dark world of Marq-Hell.

Elise and Chris hobble out together (recall her high heels) into the sunset of silver linings, rainbows and unicorns. A bluebird sits on her shoulder and the couple laughs high-spiritedly as they enter the mini-van of true love! They break up 3 hours later.

Don't despair, every unicorn has a silver lining!

Next week looks very dramatic. Stay tuned for a double header. Adios, amigos!