Bachelor in Paradise Season 1 Finale: Commit Now or Get Out

Bachelor in Paradise managed to pull off a dramatic season finale. It was less heavy-handed and a little more light-hearted than the usual Bachelor(ette) seasons. Without further delay, let's bachcap!

In the Real World, No One Dates Anyone They Met at Club Med

What happens on vacation should stay on vacation - except at this bizarro-world resort. The episode opens with Chris Harrison putting the relationships to the "test" by asking whether they can make the transition from paradise to real life. If not, they must pack up and leave paradise immediately. 

"So you're saying that this is a "test" but unlike those communicable disease blood tests we took before the show?"

Everyone looks like they have stomach cramps as they receive this news. They are fearful that Chris will know if they are faking it. Off-camera, there must have been threats. "If you don't end up dating in real life, we'll make you refund us for this lousy vacation." 

"If you try to fool us, we'll bill you for accommodations, your dates, and every single tequila shot."

If You're Looking for AshLee, She's Under the Bus

Michelle decides to ignore her own conflicted relationship and throws AshLee under the bus of love. She cannot tolerate that Graham does not perceive AshLee's faults. Michelle is wrong, Graham was not fooled, he was just too scared to call it off. With Michelle's permission, he's ready to deliver the dumpage. See, he cannot deal with upsetting the women in his life, and now that he knows that Michelle will be upset if he DOESN'T dump AshLee, he can upset AshLee. It's guy logic, don't ask me to explain further. 

The unsuspecting AshLee is devastated but she previously threw Clare under the bus (when she told Zack to dump Clare) so it's BiP karma and no one feels bad for her except maybe that sympathetic raccoon. But the raccoon liked Clare better so he just stands there, arms crossed as she gets into the reject SUV. On his end, Graham expected to feel relief (because he was just waiting to break up with AshLee) but he feels "sad" instead. Hopefully the sadness is somewhat related to the fact that he strung someone along because he was too scared to do the right thing five episodes ago. AshLee then grossly overestimates this show's viewership when she says she's embarrassed to cry in front of 10 million people. This isn't Big Bang Theory, AshLee. No matter, this terrible match is finally over and I feel the relief that Graham does not feel.

As For the Others

Tasos and Christy know they're fooling no one and promptly part ways. Tasos expresses, "I feel this distance, this disconnect between us." He's referring to the distance between complete strangers asked if they now want to get married. Tasos goes back to coordinating weddings and getting set up with bridesmaids. And we all hope that Christy is inspired to date fewer Jesses and more Tasos-types.

Zack is willing to stay on, but Jackie is sick and tired of playing Revolving Boyfriends. Zack goes home and writes a children's book. Seriously, this is his job (click here if you don't believe me). Jackie goes home and spends quality time with her cat who is an island of calm in the turbulent sea of dating.

Sarah and Robert stay together for now. Lacy and Marcus are too intertwined to get off the couch, so they stay too.

You're not sitting close enough

Michelle is very conflicted. Cody is way ahead of her with his relentless feelingsvomit and she is not sure she can "catch up." She calls her young daughter for advice, saying she's not sure what to do about the "cute boy" she met. I'm assuming she means Cody. Her daughter gives the kind of generic, sound advice you give to those friends who are prone to freaking out. Example: "Make sure you have things in common!" Michelle is inspired to stay and give beefy Cody a chance. 

Fantasy Suite Tooth

Chris shows up and the three remaining couples are on the couch (Marcus-Lacy, Robert-Sarah, Cody-Michelle). Our host says that they will all go on Fantasy Suite dates and urges them to have those "real, difficult" conversations that no one really has in real life, because this dose of meta-talk about looooooove and feeeeelings may just kill you. 

Sarah and Robert have their special date in the redundantly named ZenSerenity. Sarah is excited because she watched the Bachelor fantasy suites dates when she was "growing up." That explains it! This show warped her developing brain and made her think that this way of dating is normal. She should sue for damages. 

Lacy and Marcus are so sugary I think I got a cavity just watching. I heard: "you complete me", "I love you!" (from Lacy too this time) and "my heart's all yours!" Basically, things that no one ever says unless they're starring in Jerry Maguire. 

Michelle tells Cody that he won't get lucky (but...)

Hulk Got Woman Now

The day after the fantasy suites, Lacy and Marcus are beaming. But the big shocker is that Cody and Michelle are now a bonafide couple. There were some, um, big, surprises in the fantasy suite that Michelle is VERY enthusiastic about. There is much bleeping of her words which are not safe for television and I'm hoping that her daughter is not watching this. Cody said he marked some things off his bucket list and that she "broke the code." Michelle went from ambivalent to adoring. Guess Cody's got some skills.

Cody, stop being so subtle, tell us how you really feel

Dumped for Sleeping in his Jeans

Sarah's looking at the other couples and feeling that her "good night's sleep" doesn't measure up. She's disappointed because instead of late night talking and cuddling, Robert turned off the lights, blew out the candles, and went to sleep early. In his jeans. This is a tough one. Was Robert just taking it slow, or do non-actions speak louder than words? She sends him packing and it's probably the right decision. Although he is nice, she needs someone a little more enthusiastic but less enthusiastic than Cody who looks like blood might squirt out of his biceps. 

In an awkward twist of fate, Sarah and Robert live near each other. They go home and keep running into each other in Whole Foods. When she sees him her brain goes "Jeans-Jeans-Jeans" and she runs to the organic yogurt aisle.

The Elders Gather Round

On this show, if you manage to date someone for at least a year you're qualified to give condescending advice to other people about relationships. Never mind that after 18 seasons of the Bachelor, there are only 2 marriages; one is less than a year old (Sean and Catherine), and the other was between the Bachelor and the runner-up contestant (Jason and Molly). In paradise, these two couples plus engaged Des and Chris are brought back as know-it-alls to give advice to the two new couples. Luckily Brooks is not there because that would have been so weird since Des had him as her first choice on her season.

After a year of marriage, Catherine doesn't seem at all sick of listening to her husband talk

"Is Brooks still here?"

The elders ask probing questions of the new couples, like do they know all the little things about their partners? I'm sorry, but if they haven't had to deal with laundry/dishes/in-laws they know NOTHING about the little things about their partners. Michelle, it matters not if you know your boyfriend likes pizza and cookies because literally everyone likes pizza and cookies. We also find out that Lacy loves Marcus's 1970s chest hair which is great because he loves her 1980s lipstick.

The Finale of Final Roses

There still has to be a final rose ceremony of uselessness. Cody and Michelle exchange roses and Michelle says she's in love. Everyone has whiplash from that turnaround. Cody went from overbearing to adored and plans write a what-to-do-in-the-fantasy-suite guidebook.

Marcus is sweating profusely and asks for alone time with Lacy. So he can show her this:

Marcus proposes and Lacy hears: "bling bling bling!"

The producers had a few of these Neil Lane rings lying around, just in case. Everyone congratulates the happy couple. They do seem sweet together. Lacy softens Marcus's intensity. He's so good looking and they both seem to be nice people. Mazel tov. 

Chris Harrison gets a bonus from ABC for delivering a proposal this fast

Epilogue

Chris the Farmer is the Bachelor in January 2015 - and Cody's his trainer so we expect that Chris will be looking slightly inflated in no time. Cody's moving to Utah to be near Michelle and her daughter. We learn that Graham deleted his Istagram account (implied that this is to prevent AshLee's stalking). Chris and Elise broke up after two weeks and I can't believe it lasted that long. Michelle K. and Ryan Putz (camera man) are as broken up as his legs. Marcus and Lacy, as per ABC, are getting married in the spring, but they gave an interview saying they want a year-long engagement at least (read their People interview here). And Chris Harrison is as happy as the cat who swallowed the canary. He made a love match and he's so darned smug about it.

What we did learn is that it's just as effective to throw a bunch of people together in a low-budget resort as it is to put them through the extravagant hoopla of a Bachelor or Bachelorette season. ABC likes this return on their investment and decides to renew Bachelor in Paradise for a second season. I'm 80-40 on this being a good idea. 

Hope you enjoyed this season of Bachelor in Paradise! If not, go talk to a sympathetic raccoon. Let's end this season with some excellent raccoon dating advice:

Don't date a cheater!

Stay off of televised dating shows!

Remember to do lots and lots of cuddling!

True story, these raccoons are consultants for the next season.

See you in January 2015 as Chris the Farmer looks for an Iowa wife. For the Canadians, see you for Bachelor Canada starting on September 18, 2014! 

Bachelor in Paradise Finale: Recap Coming Soon!

What did you think of the finale? A bit surprising, I thought! Since I have to keep up with my normal employment and stuff, the recap will be up Tuesday night, probably around 10 PM EST. Until then, let's celebrate that this show is coming back next season (confirmed here). More tomorrow! Love, Rachel

Bachelor in Paradise: Love Amidst the Selegments and Stalaglights

Paradise is nearing its end - this was the last week of rose ceremonies and newcomers. Let the recap begin!

Rose Ceremony Aftermath

After last week's rose ceremony, Marcus and Lacy are in the only mutual, loving relationship. In the Never Going to Work category, there are Graham and AshLee, and Cody and Michelle. The Meh category includes Robert and Sarah (although I want it to work), and the new couple Zack and Jackie. In the Boozy category, there's Jesse and Christy.

This Selegment, Brought to You by ABC

Marcus receives the first date card and asks his wife Lacy to go. Marcus has said that he loves Lacy, but she hasn't said it back. They go down into a cave and Lacy requires a lesson in cave terminology. She's impressed by all the selegments and stalaglights! Good thing that Lacy's charming so it doesn't matter that she can't pronounce this stuff.

"Did you say staligmalite or stamicdalite?"

Lacy is scared by the tiny fruit bats in the cave. Marcus gets to be her protector, but he seems really scared too. I'm not scared of flying bats, but I would be worried about all the bat poo in the water. For some reason, the producers decide to show many random shots of Mexican wildlife as Lacy gets closer to admitting the obvious (she loooooves Marcus). This segment is like the National Geographic channel, but with more ridiculously complicated mating rituals.

This monkey is disappointed when you don't admit you're in love

Lacy finally says she loves Marcus and all the animals come out of the jungle and do a choreographed musical number, Disney style.

Let's Break Up, Actually Forget It 

Michelle is reasonably weirded out that Cody has said he loves her. He's also bought an engagement ring, set the date, and booked the honeymoon. She needs space but his muscles take up all the room. She confronts him and it seems like she's breaking it off. But all of a sudden, she's saying that they'll work to create a strong foundation! There must have been a missing scene here. What just happened?!?

Then there's Sarah and Robert. Previously, it seemed like Sarah was the one worrying that Robert would reject her. But enter Brooks (Desiree's season) and she's ready to break it off with Robert! Seems like she had a pre-show crush on him. Hmmmm...anyone else think that they asked the contestants beforehand: "Which Bachelor alumni do you want to meet?" And then the producers tried to bring on their crushes to stir things up. Suspicious, right?

Brooks also wants to ask Sarah out but Robert has called stampsies no erasies on Sarah so it's a no go. Sarah looks very sad and she is literally saying it's over with Robert. But he writes her a cute note and they sit under lanterns. All of a sudden, she's asking him about moving forward in Real Life and Brooks is forgotten. They plan a romantic date at Whole Foods and Sarah's falling in love. Another deleted scene or are we expecting too much consistency from these people?

It was you all along, except for this morning when it wasn't

Is Casa Banana the Real Name of this Restaurant?

The Bachelor franchise is lazy about dates on this season. When Brooks asks Jackie out (because Sarah is taken and Zack does not stake his claim), they go for dinner in the most normal of restaurants. Whoa, a date on this show that does not involve a private round table with plastic food?! Unbelievable. They don't have much in common and Brooks finds Jackie too cute to pay attention to what she's saying. Not sure that's a compliment.

Jackie's an experienced foosball player and beats him in a game, to the delight of the patrons at Casa Banana, upscale House of Bananas.

All hail the goddess of foosball!

True fact: Casa Bananas got a pretty good review on Tripadvisor.

Hulk No Like Sharing Michelle

Christy liked Jesse until she heard he was telling tales about all his, um, romantic entanglements this season. The jig is up, and Christy's thinking he's misogynistic and manipulative. Enter nice guy Tasos (Andi's season).

Tasos likes Michelle but everyone is scared of what Cody will do if Tasos asks her out. It is presumed he will turn into the Hulk and eat Tasos's leg like a chicken drumstick. Michelle saves Tasos from dismemberment by suggesting a date with Christy, instead.

HULK SMASH BAD MAN! HULK ALSO HUNGRY FOR CHICKEN.

Tasos and Christy go on a zero chemistry date. Someone has to call a Code Red on Christy's sunburn. Bring out the aloe vera, stat! They ride along the river together and luckily no alligators attack.

The Cave of Déjà Vu

Zack gets a date card and asks out Jackie. He wants a "romantical" relationship as opposed to the dreaded platonical relationship. The Marcus/Lacy cave date is recycled. Zack and Jackie kiss and they seem to have a similar mellow vibe. This puts Zack ahead of Brooks who is more frenzied and has a sweatier forehead.

Weird Wooing 

Brooks and Zack are fighting for Jackie's rose. Zack offers a wish-bracelet. Brooks does a comedy routine and suggests that they paint each other's nails. Because that's what the ladies like in some place that is not earth.

No One Wants to Be Jesse's Girl

Jesse and Tasos are in competition for Christy's rose. Jesse says he wants the rose even though Christy is a "dumb blonde", thus solidifying the impression that he is the worst ever. Christy is on to him. It's soooo hard to believe that he's going home despite his skillful manipulation techniques (incessant blabbering and shifty gazes). He realizes his failure but decides to leave on his own accord so he can avoid the humiliating rose ceremony. Even Kalon didn't try this shifty move!

Michelle, Lacy and Christy invoke girl power and decide to confront Jesse on his cowardly departure. Christy is not really sure about the confrontation, but Michelle and Lacy insist on scolding Jesse for ungentlemanly conduct. They do their best Beyonce Independent Women impression and tell him off as he's in the reject limo.

Afterward, the women feel empowered, but Jesse's only thinking about all the "emails and invitations" he'll get at home. He just wants to party, ladies! He goes home and he only has spam and Abercrombie & Fitch coupons in his inbox. He decides that his life is too superficial and joins the Peace Corps.

Here is Your Rose + a Complimentary Cheezy Speech

This week, everyone decides to give a long-winded speech with their rose. Yawn. We have Lacy-Marcus, AshLee-Graham, Sarah-Robert, Michelle-Cody, Christy-Tasos, and Jackie-Zack. Brooks and his jokes are sent packing. He could have been fun, but the stars were not aligned. He spends the rest of his week off work preparing for an open-mic session at Giggles NightClub.

Coming Up Next: Evil Things That Will Ruin Your Vacation

Chris Harrison, Underlord of the Paradise of Hell, reveals that this is the last rose ceremony and there will be no more newcomers. They could have just let everyone enjoy the last week (really two days) of their vacation. But no, they have to add another Hunger Games style twist. Like, you escape the tracker jacker venom only to be chased by mutated creatures who want to eat you alive.

"Too weak for Paradise, are you?"

The preview does not make it clear what the twist is, but everyone's crying again. Do they make them watch all their partners' interviews? Do they ask the contestants whether they'll give up their partner for a date with someone else? Us viewers want to know! And that's why we'll tune in for the final show of this season.

I'll probably recap The Bachelor: Canada once this is all over (September 18, 2014). But we still have one more week on the worst vacation imaginable.


See you next week! 

A Double Header for Bachelor in Paradise! AKA Lucy and Marcus in Love While Others Settle for Less

Before we start, shame on you Bachelor Producers and Puppet Master Chris Harrison. After all that hype with the ambulance, tears, and fleeing into the jungle, these were the Shocking Reveals: a) Graham felt a little nauseous and b) Lacy got food poisoning. In Mexico. I'm like the contestants on this show, disappointed with how I'm treated, feeling a bit betrayed, but I stick around anyway. Now that the reveals are revealed, let's bachcap this double header! Both episodes are recapped below.

Waterproof Mascara is Your Friend in Paradise.

Michelle cries a lot after last week's rose ceremony. She's very emotional about her quest for a loving relationship. Like Farmer Chris (announced as the next Bachelor, yay!) she lives in a less glitzy state (Utah) but seeks a shiny Hollywood partner. Michelle's fake eyelashes and mascara stay on really well when she sobs. If that were me post-cry, I'd look like this:

Why waterproof mascara is superior

Michelle thinks she won't get another "chance like this to meet someone." Let's hope not! This is a terrible way to meet someone. The pressure and head games are bananas. Michelle explains, "I'm obviously doing something wrong, what is it?" This is the wrong thing she does: Using the Bachelor franchise to set her up. 

Love is Like Eggs in a Basket of Insecurity

Clare is with Zack (for now), AshLee is with Graham (will never work), Lacy is with Marcus (common law partners by this point), Jackie is maybe with Marquel (but they never sit together), Sarah is with Robert (she's smitten) and Michelle is solo. 

This is the only relationship more stable than a sandcastle

They're low on men in paradise, so enter beefy Cody (Andi's season) who promptly asks out Clare. She doesn't want to go because of Zack, but she eats up Cody's compliments. 

There remains a problem with Clare and Zack. She is concerned that her eggs have moved into his basket forever, but his eggs are only visiting her basket until another basket comes along and his eggs will jump out. It didn't make sense to me either. In normal-speak: Zack wants to take it slow, and Clare needs a guy who is ALL IN right away. She's emotional, and emotions make him pull back. This dynamic cannot work. No one is wrong, it's just a bad match. Take back those eggs and move on!

Don't put all your eggs in a Bachelor basket.

Cody the Muscular Puppy-Man

Cody is nice and sweet and a lot like an energetic muscle puppy that will love you and kiss you and smother you with loooooove! He is overly effusive and this scares the ladies away. He also refers to himself in the third person which perhaps puppies would do if they could speak. Clare's devoted to Zack so Cody generously gives his date card to Marcus and Lacy. On the date, Marcus lets it slip that he loves Lacy but it's mutual so there is no talk of eggs. Cody later mutates into an octopus-puppy and massages Michelle with his tentacles and Michelle is happy for the attention.

Kalon Who Travels Without Baggage

Kalon enters the scene (Emily's season). Everyone hates him because on his season of the Bachelorette, he referred to Emily's child as "baggage." He also makes a very crude and yucky comment about Michelle - "ziplining" and "motorboating" were mentioned. He is not helping his reputation. And are children baggage? As per Kalon, it depends on whose carrying it. Yup, still not helping yourself here.

No one will go on Kalon's spelunking date so he goes on the first ever One-on-None date. He seems pretty happy saying he's finally on a date with someone he likes. In the cave, he looks like Narcissus, the mythical dude who fell in love with his own reflection. Because art will perhaps cleanse your palate:

Presenting Narcissus post-sperlunking

Kalon's "date" is amusing but ridiculous. He professes love, toasts himself, and gives himself a big hug. The cameras love it. He'll perhaps be single forever after these hijinks on national television, but seems like this suits him just fine. 

Here's looking at you, me.

The Cave of Lies

Back in Paradise, another guy enters the scene. It's Jesse (Jillan's season). I didn't watch the Bachelor(ette) in those days of yore, but all the sleazeball alarms go off. He arrives saying he wants to date ALL the girls. He needs a rose so he asks Jackie out to garner favour. They eat dinner in a cave, a bat flies by, she believes Jesse's lies, and an unknown musical duo serenades them. Classic Bachelor date. 

What Happens in the Hammock Does not Stay in the Hammock

The next day, in a moment of "whhhaaa?" AshLee thinks there are no cameras where she's sitting with Zack. She thus speaks meanly about Clare, saying Zack should explore his options because Clare is cuckoo and did things in the ocean with Juan Pablo. Then, uh-oh, she realizes that the cameras were on because of course this is a REALITY SHOW. 

The Bachelor sees all, sucka

Clare finds out what was said and is livid with AshLee. She later confronts AshLee and calls her tasteless and tacky. Graham must be living in a separate resort, because he doesn't hear a thing about this until Michelle tells him. AshLee is sad because she works "really hard on my character" and now she is hated by all. And, Clare is mad that Zack didn't tell her what AshLee said, and my head hurts now.

Rose Ceremony Interruptus

Lacy's rose goes to Marcus

Clare's rose and all her eggs go to Zack 

AshLee calls Graham and he looks sweaty and excuses himself from the rose ceremony. Michelle runs after. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Okay, it's Tuesday's episode now. Graham feels sweaty and clammy and needs to see the medic. His gut is screaming: Don't stay with AshLee, she's mean! He takes some Gravol and returns to accept AshLee's rose. Never mind that the girl just stood there while he was sick, looking not-at-all concerned. She would make a bad nurse. 

Then Lacy is all sickened by this too. Or maybe it was just a bad taco. Anyhoo, she ends up in an ambulance and is very brave about that IV going in her hand. She's treated for dehydration or food poisoning or eating a tequila worm. We never find out, she's back the next day totally fine. 

Because ambulances are always on hand when you get nauseous in Mexico

As usual, the Bachelor Machine stops for nothing (including vomiting). The rose ceremony continues.

Michelle gives her rose to her pet puppy Cody.

Sarah gives a rose to Robert.

Jackie believes the lies of the batcave and gives her rose to Jesse. 

Marquel must go home. Dramatically, a colony of bats from the cave date swoop in and grab hold of Marquel. Marquel soars over paradise, until the bats try to stuff him into the reject minivan. There is not enough room because it's full of his geek chic clothes and non-prescription eyeglasses, so the bats fly him home themselves. Bye Marquel!

Oh, and Kalon is ejected from paradise and orders an obscene amount of room service in the hotel for a romantic night with his favourite person. Or he hits on everyone at the hotel bar. Feel free to choose your own adventure.

Can Someone Call a Dermatologist?

Now they're low on women in paradise, tall, blond Christy enters the scene (Juan Pablo's season but I can't remember her at all). She's sunburnt immediately. Her last boyfriend was a "liar, cheater, and coward." Christy asks Zack out, but he declines due to Clare. She then asks Jesse out. In Valladolid, Christy is excited when "we finally find the tequila and all the other booze that's known here." Not sure that all the known booze is what is needed now. They talk about cheaters (Jesse's advice to cheaters: deny, deny, deny) and the tequila keeps her from noticing that history is repeating itself.

"I have no practical experience with being a cheater, but theoretically this is what I'd do..."

Valladolid dates were on sale at Costco this week, and the Bachelor bought a two-pack. Sarah and Robert go on their date there too. They bump heads and later they finally kiss. They are also kind of sunburnt. Everyone needs their moles checked, pronto. 

Let's toast heads!

Clare Bear, She's Outta There

Zach tells Clare that their relationship is intense and he wants to figure it out. Clare's on to him, he's losing interest. She wisely decides to leave this hell hole. The producers again pretend she's confessing to a raccoon. Sigh, are the Bachelor staffers all in middle school or something? Clare confesses that this is why she wanted to go on Dancing with the Stars instead. Yes, that would have been a better choice, Clare. Goodbye, and good luck. You just need a guy to chase you, instead of being in the role of the chaser. 

"Free Spirit" is a Synonym for "Drink on the House"

Lucy (Juan Pablo's season) is now thrown into the mix. She likes to run around sans clothing. I am impressed that she doesn't wear make-up on camera. You go girl! But go put on some clothes, thanks. 

How to Come on Too Strong and Scare a Lady

In other relationship news, Cody is bench-pressing Michelle. He's painting her toenails. He's saying things like, "what if we fall in love?" Michelle is feeling "overwhelmed" (meaning, suffocated). 

Down, puppy, down!

The evil minds of this franchise make it worse by having them go on an engagement/wedding photo shoot. Michelle is so uncomfortable she's literally yelling "It's fake! It's not real!" while sporting a wedding dress, hoping Cody will get the hint. He's a puppy so he can't understand words, he's just happy to be near his mistress. Pictures don't lie. Observe their expressions below:

As the Roses Draw Near

AshLee takes Graham on a car racing date and she drives like a grandma. 

At the resort, Christy complains, "there's so much booze and no one's drinking it." I wish she'd stop saying the word "booze." Time to order a Perrier, Christy. Lucy and Jesse return from their date and Jesse can't remember her name. He calls her "what's her name" and later (my favourite) "what's her nuts." Christy finds Jesse "100% honest and genuine." It's later implied that there was some time warp 1960s free love episode with Jesse, Christy, and Lucy, but it's none of my business and I don't want to think about it. 

Marcus says "I love you" two more times to Lacy. She's into it. 

But What's Really on the Line?

It's Rose Ceremony time and Chris Harrison says that there are hearts on the line. Also on the line, employment prospects for these contestants. Not all are seeming like upstanding citizens at this point. 

Robert gives a rose to Sarah.

Graham gives a rose to AshLee  - without vomiting or fainting.

Cody gives his rose to Michelle. He's told her he's falling in love. After one day. And he wants her to accept all his roses forever and ever. She should put him in a kennel for his own safety.

Marcus gives a rose to Lacy and they make out for way too long.

Zack gives a rose to Jackie because Clare is gone, and there was a mutual interest pre-Clare. This may go somewhere.

Jesse gives a rose to Christy because he couldn't remember that other girl's name.

The bloopers show Cody and Michelle playing a bean bag toss game. The loser has to kiss Marcus's left nipple. Michelle loses, but my recording cut out so I have no idea what happened! 

Maybe Michelle played catch with Cody till he was really tired and went to sleep in his basket and crushed all the eggs.

That's a good boy!

See you next week!

From Paradise to Marq-Hell

The world's weirdest resort is back for another week of Schadenfreude (you know, the German word for taking pleasure in the misery of others). A poorly kept secret: they're not really weeks at all. The editors did a sloppy job as various contestants admit that the weeks really last two to three days. There are seven episodes meaning the whole affair lasts a mere two to three weeks. This knowledge makes everyone's love quests all the more ridiculous.

"Week" Three Status Update

Marcus and Lacy are acting like smug marrieds. That term is stolen from Bridget Jones's Diary. How much better would this show be if Bridget Jones were on it? They really would benefit from a female contestant with an English accent who smokes and loves food and has no filter. Who's casting all these humourless, ernest singles? 

What this show really needs

Back to the show: Elise has fallen for Chris B., but his intentions are suspect. Zack and Clare are an item but she may like him more. Graham's still with AshLee despite this being a ticking time bomb. The rest is a bit murkier.

Flights to Campeche, on Sale at Costco

Bachelor in Paradise buys a value pack of flights to a place called Campeche for the dates this week. Marquel is mucho popular with the ladies. Michelle thinks he's the guy for her. Enter fresh blood in the form of Danielle (Juan Pablo's season). She's been crushing on Marquel and her date card goes to him. They seem to get along and she has nice freckles and fun hair. Marquel calls her a "great-looking girl" but has little else to say, so he says this six times.

The Rainbow With the Silver Lining

After the awkward rose refusal by Dylan, Elise has decided that Chris is her rainbow, silver lining, and light at the end of the tunnel. No pressure. Chris's knee tries to get him out of this situation by becoming sprained. The knee then tries to convince Chris not to go on a date with Elise. Here's a picture of the knee under ice trying to get its point across:

This knee speaks the truth

Chris fails to follow the good advice of his knee and goes on the date. On the date, Elise's shoes are as practical as her ideas about relationships. Chris's intentions don't seem all too honourable. He ignores his pain to pursue this conquest. Elise's green sequins bikini is not "find your soulmate" swimwear. They get two keys but only use one and yadda yadda yadda. 

Crush Crushed

Enter yet another contestant named Jackie (Sean's season - but I don't remember her). Marquel has just returned from his date with Danielle when Jackie asks him out. He's totally into it and loving the fact that he gets to feel like The Bachelor for a day! They use one of the Costco plane rides and say they don't kiss on first dates and then kiss.

Danielle knows that Marquel's date with Jackie is bad news and admits that "the rose is in his garden." I appreciate that she has new Bachelor metaphors to offer.

Kneed a Reality Check

Elise is relishing her role as Chris's caretaker. He's in so much pain he can't get up and therefore cannot explore other relationships. I'm reminded of Misery by Stephen King.

"I am your number one fan"

Elise exclaims: "This is my man forever!" Sarah tries to give her a reality check and is more direct than I've ever seen anyone be on this show (except Dylan). Elise will heed no warnings and it's full steam ahead on the Love Boat.

Turtle in the Land o' Hares

Zack and Clare are hanging out a lot. We'll just ignore the fact that Zack showed interest in Jackie when she first showed up. They see a turtle on the beach. Clare takes it as a sign that her dad is watching over her, which is sweet. It's funny to see a turtle on this show, the slowest moving of animals, when these humans are speed daters on Red Bull.

AshLee suffers from too-fast-itis and is starting to scare away Graham. She shares that she follows him on Istagram so she "really knows" the type of man he is. He makes facial expressions that are appropriate for the situation (shocked/confused-eye-widening). Her dress matches the tablecloth perfectly. Graham reminds her it's the first date and wisely decides that they will stay in separate rooms. Good call, Graham. Slow this train down!

And the Roses Go To...

The dress code for rose ceremonies is, shall we say, loose?

Rose ceremony or beach-time costume party?

There is a bit of a scuffle over Robert as Sarah and Michelle vie for his rose. Earlier this "week" Sarah was sad that Michelle had the courage to ask Robert on a "date" when she didn't. She is jealous of Michelle's beauty. But who will Robert pick?

Chris Harrison arrives to oversee the process. Graham gives his rose to AshLee. Zack's rose goes to Clare. Marcus picks Lacy. Marquel snubs Danielle and the rose goes to Jackie. Danielle should do better in the real world of dating. Robert is vibing better with Sarah than Michelle, so Sarah gets the rose.

Then, shock of all shocks, villain Chris B., possibly hyped on painkillers and/or delusional from pain almost redeems himself. He starts to offer the rose to Elise, then says he can't. He wants to go home, and he wants her to come with him! Turns out that he doesn't have health insurance and her 24-hour nursing skills will be of great benefit. He adds in a bunch of nice stuff about how awesome she is because he can only pay her with compliments, as his only recent employment has been from the Bachelor franchise. He offers his leftover rose to Michelle who he says is deserving of love. Everyone is tearing up and Michelle thinks this is the nicest gesture ever, but really it was either her or Danielle who he never even spoke to. Danielle is thus the odd-woman out, and as she explains it, enters the dark world of Marq-Hell.

Elise and Chris hobble out together (recall her high heels) into the sunset of silver linings, rainbows and unicorns. A bluebird sits on her shoulder and the couple laughs high-spiritedly as they enter the mini-van of true love! They break up 3 hours later.

Don't despair, every unicorn has a silver lining!

Next week looks very dramatic. Stay tuned for a double header. Adios, amigos!

YOPO Because Once Is More Than Enough

YOPO = You Only Paradise Once. That's because you'd have to be out of your mind to come back to this place. Metaphor of the day: If you get food poisoning, do not go back to the restaurant.

There was so much ludicrosity this episode. Let's start with Mr. Two Casts.

Giving New Meaning to "Fall" in Love

Michelle K. wasn't sad to leave Paradise because she had a honey on the side. Turns out she struck up a romance with a Bachelor staffer named Ryan. Chris Harrison is angry because only relationships that he officially sanctions should exist. Little known fact: his previous job was in a zoo breeding program. He was the guy who stuck two orangutans in the cage and waited for the magic to happen.

Chris Harrison's first love match! 

It is soon revealed that Michelle K. was wooed by Ryan's offerings of "floss and handpicked flowers." Ah, the classic gifts of love. Ryan does not want the dalliance to be discovered so he decides to keep it low-key by jumping off a 20-foot balcony. Because who would notice that, right? Way to keep things on the down low, Ryan. Your writhing and screaming aren't at all suspicious. For his efforts Ryan gets two broken legs and a Darwin award.

Back to the Island of Few Options

Lacy and Marcus are pretty much married, and Robert Red Nose is de facto dumped. Graham still tolerates AshLee. Elise is a human barnacle on Dylan. Marcus and Michelle M. are maybe together, but Marcus just sits on his bunk bed all day planning funky outfits and picking out matching nerd-chic eyeglasses. Ben is happy he's not a villain (yet). Sarah provides the commentary.

Clare gets first dibs on the guys today. When Chris B. (Emily's season, Bachelor Pad Casanova) enters the fray, everyone knows about his "questionable reputation." Clare wants to "push past my doubts." I'm talking to the television: Clare, keep them doubts! She later comes to her senses and promptly falls for the newest new guy, Zack (Desiree's season). They went in the ocean together, which is Bachelor-speak for "yadda yadda yadda" which really means things I shouldn't write here so this blog can remain respectable. All I know is that she felt his connection in the ocean and I'm sure she meant the mental connection.

How to Smother a Man in 5 Easy Steps!

Elise is too into Dylan and he feels smothered and stifled. He tries a fancy break-up manoeuvre. He encourages her to seek out other guys, and when she does (i.e., ocean with Chris B.) Dylan pretends to be all upset and breaks it off. Elise takes this as evidence of their "connection." Okay, that didn't work. So Dylan asks out another girl (Sarah). Elise decides that this is a good thing for their relationship! Okay, another fail. So Dylan tells Elise to go explore her feelings for Chris. Elise replies that she and Dylan are surely on the path of love. Yikes. So, he hires an airplane with a banner that says, "We're Breaking Up, Elise!" And she's all, you hired an airplane for me, that's so sweet! Then a mariachi band suddenly appears and they play a rousing rendition of "Seriously, It's Over." And she's like, I love music! Hmmm, this is hard.

We're the break-up elves! Now scram.

Wrong Reasons Accusation #53

I know you'll be shocked at this so prepare yourselves. Someone went on this show for the Wrong Reasons! Un-freaking-believable.

But what's really unbelievable is that Marcus found Ben's love letter while - brushing his teeth? Worst cover story ever for snooping (or for being handed something by a producer). Marcus's defence: I was brushing my teeth and spilled water on Ben's bag, and happened upon his completely dry letter that I read. If Andi were here, she'd prosecute the heck out of that one.

Here's the reason why I read your mail.

Ben has a girlfriend at home! Everyone is disappointed, but Michelle M. is devastated and sobs for hours. This girl is so likeable, she does people's hair, she's funny, but this reaction? Hard to understand. Michelle explains that Ben is taking the place of another more serious guy who could be there. Doesn't Ben know she left her kid for this? Not sure if she can play the mom card. Precisely because she left her kid for this. Was that a low blow? I do really like her. Everyone hates Ben, it's a repeat of his Bachelorette experience, and he's banished from Paradise. Ben's done with TV, he claims, as climbs into the getaway car with his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle backpack.

The Roses are Wilted by a Collective Disappointment

Bachelor etiquette requires maintaining the pretence that you are open to getting to know someone even if you have zero interest. This is what everyone does as they scramble for the roses. I want to get to know you better! You have great qualities! All lies to keep from being booted.

There is only one mutual, romantic relationship here: Lacy and Marcus. Her stretched smile and his forehead sweat mean it's for real. Then there's Clare and Zack, maybe they like each other?

Lacy gives her rose to Marcus.

AshLee gives hers to Graham. He is humouring her until the guys get to hand out roses.

Clare gives a rose to Zack. As she said earlier, "I love that feeling when you just get that feeling!" Stop feeling things Clare, it's making everyone uncomfortable.

Michelle gives a rose to Marquel even though he thinks she drinks too much (accusation was made while Marquel was guzzling Merlot). Michelle decides that keen perception is not a reason for rejection and keeps him around. P.S. Everyone drinks too much on this show because there is nothing else to do. No boating activities, no fiestas, no shuffleboard, it's a wasteland alright.

Elise tries to give a rose to Dylan and he rejects it, as he said he would. Elise then gives what is perhaps meant as an inspiring speech, but instead sounds as if she may be proposing to herself. Everyone is mortified/cracking up. Elise then gives the rose to Chris B. who accepts because he has no other options.

Behold the rose of insincerity 

Sarah decides that this dynamic with Dylan and Elise has to end. She never liked him anyway. She gives the rose to Robert and (of course) they act like they want to get to know each other. Ya, right.

Not sure what's meaner, Chris B.'s nickname for Dylan (Fat Damon - for a bloated Matt Damon) or the fact that whenever I see Dylan I think about him not washing his hands after peeing. Thank goodness he's gone and this awkwardness is over. But it's not over because Elise starts attaching love letters to seagulls, hoping they'll reach Dylan before he gets to the airport.

YOPO and coconuts, and see you next week!

Don't worry, maybe next week will be better!

Bachelor in Paradise: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Welcome to Bachelor in Paradise!

But really it's Mexico, and the island is infested with fire ants. 

There are date cards and rose ceremonies. Chris Harrison, our host and overlord (now donning pastels), has added an evil a twist. Each week, there's more people than roses, and one or more contenders are sent home. 

It's totally The Hunger Games, Bachelor-style. You've got the contestants (AKA "tributes") from the different seasons (districts) fighting for love while trapped in the Bachelor arena. The games have the goal of entertaining the populace (us viewers) who live in a dystopian world (summer television wasteland). For die hard Hunger Games fans, remember how President Snow had those genetically enhanced white roses? Chris Harrison also genetically engineers his roses! One sniff, and you lose all rationality and common sense. How else can we explain these people's behaviour?

Let's go husband hunting.

The Contenders

Six eligible men: 
From Andi's season: Marcus, Marquel, and Dylan.
From Desiree's season: Robert and Ben S.
From DeAnna's season: Graham

Seven lovely ladies: 
From Juan Pablo's season: Clare, Elise, and Lacy (Who is she? Oh, booted the first night)
From Sean's season: Daniella, Sarah, and AshLee
From Jake's season: Michelle K. 
And showing up late (flight delayed? failed attempt at drama?): Michelle Money from Brad's season. 

There will be only 6 roses so two females must go home. But a few of the women are given date cards and get to choose their own dates.

Are You Still Reading? 

Please, go do something more important. 

Okay, If You Insist. 

It's been several seconds and everyone is in love and jealous and desperate. It only takes 14 minutes (true statistic) before Marcus mentions the "right reasons." Then Marcus states that you don't get over someone until you meet someone better. Not better for him, or a better match. Just objectively better.

Everyone Jumps the Gun

It's not even one day into the games, and AshLee's already heartbroken over Graham. She's so jealous that Clare feels compelled to rescind her date offer to Graham and ask Robert instead. That was nice of you Clare - you have the lead on Girl Power points and win this week's Powerpuff award!

"It's okay! All you men are interchangeable anyway!"

Clare is observed chatting with a raccoon but that was just the editors being jerks. Animals keep making cameos because they are acting with more sense than the humans. 

AshLee won't talk to Graham because he had accepted Clare's (now defunct) date offer. AshLee honey, that was not a betrayal! She forgot that to be in a relationship you need to first start the relationship.

Marcus and Robert immediately fall in love with Lacy who resembles Nicole Ritchie and is a ruthless huntress of men.

Elise is loving on Dylan and wants to say "I love you" waaaaay too soon.

Date Highlights In a World Gone Crazy

Clare and Robert: Robert gets covered in fire ants. Both him and Clare just stand there. Run, people! They plan to climb up the Mexican ruins. Clare does not know what a "vista" is, but she wants to see it, and thankfully she can read the brochure. No connection really (remember that Robert fancies Lacy), but it's nice to see Clare less bitter about Juan Pablo the Hated. 

Sarah and Marcus: Sarah is attracted to Marcus (already in love with Lacy). She invites him on her date. They jump into a lagoon. Sarah is proud to confront her history of shyness and she congratulates herself on kissing the hottest guy at the dance. This relationship will go nowhere. 

Michelle M. and Marquel: They go horse riding. I miss Chris the Farmer.

Lacy and Robert: Lacy invites Robert on an evening date where they actually eat the Bachelor dinner food! They must be starving the contestants on the island. Or they are getting better food, like burritos. There is chemistry (for Robert only). Lacy's just hedging her bets.

Rose Ceremony Dress Code Confusion

It's more casual. Marquel has awesome resort-wear. Yellow pants, nautical shirt, and tux jacket. Michelle M. teases her hair with extensions and wears a cape and boots. Because, totally what everyone wears on vacay, amiright?

The weirder and silent Michelle decides to leave before she can be actively rejected. In the Reject Van she insinuates that she has a suitor at home.  

Roses are given out:
Marquel to Michelle M. (obvious)
Graham to AshLee (why? he said she made him feel "uber-uber-uncomfortable")
Dylan to Elise (predictable)
Marcus to Lacy (whoa, totally dissed Sarah)
Robert to Clare (if he can't give it to Lacy, Clare's second best)
Ben to Sarah (saying, "this sucks")

Daniella goes home and writes a postcard that arrives at the island next week, explaining that she met a great guy on Match.com and why would anyone waste their time with Chris Harrison's mind games. The contestants can't process this because they are all under the spell of genetically enhanced roses which make them forget that you can go to a Sandals resort and have a much better time.

This is all so ridiculous, if you want to be a Grumpy Cat and give up on this show I wouldn't blame you. But I can't help myself, I love this stuff. See you next week!