YOPO Because Once Is More Than Enough

YOPO = You Only Paradise Once. That's because you'd have to be out of your mind to come back to this place. Metaphor of the day: If you get food poisoning, do not go back to the restaurant.

There was so much ludicrosity this episode. Let's start with Mr. Two Casts.

Giving New Meaning to "Fall" in Love

Michelle K. wasn't sad to leave Paradise because she had a honey on the side. Turns out she struck up a romance with a Bachelor staffer named Ryan. Chris Harrison is angry because only relationships that he officially sanctions should exist. Little known fact: his previous job was in a zoo breeding program. He was the guy who stuck two orangutans in the cage and waited for the magic to happen.

Chris Harrison's first love match! 

It is soon revealed that Michelle K. was wooed by Ryan's offerings of "floss and handpicked flowers." Ah, the classic gifts of love. Ryan does not want the dalliance to be discovered so he decides to keep it low-key by jumping off a 20-foot balcony. Because who would notice that, right? Way to keep things on the down low, Ryan. Your writhing and screaming aren't at all suspicious. For his efforts Ryan gets two broken legs and a Darwin award.

Back to the Island of Few Options

Lacy and Marcus are pretty much married, and Robert Red Nose is de facto dumped. Graham still tolerates AshLee. Elise is a human barnacle on Dylan. Marcus and Michelle M. are maybe together, but Marcus just sits on his bunk bed all day planning funky outfits and picking out matching nerd-chic eyeglasses. Ben is happy he's not a villain (yet). Sarah provides the commentary.

Clare gets first dibs on the guys today. When Chris B. (Emily's season, Bachelor Pad Casanova) enters the fray, everyone knows about his "questionable reputation." Clare wants to "push past my doubts." I'm talking to the television: Clare, keep them doubts! She later comes to her senses and promptly falls for the newest new guy, Zack (Desiree's season). They went in the ocean together, which is Bachelor-speak for "yadda yadda yadda" which really means things I shouldn't write here so this blog can remain respectable. All I know is that she felt his connection in the ocean and I'm sure she meant the mental connection.

How to Smother a Man in 5 Easy Steps!

Elise is too into Dylan and he feels smothered and stifled. He tries a fancy break-up manoeuvre. He encourages her to seek out other guys, and when she does (i.e., ocean with Chris B.) Dylan pretends to be all upset and breaks it off. Elise takes this as evidence of their "connection." Okay, that didn't work. So Dylan asks out another girl (Sarah). Elise decides that this is a good thing for their relationship! Okay, another fail. So Dylan tells Elise to go explore her feelings for Chris. Elise replies that she and Dylan are surely on the path of love. Yikes. So, he hires an airplane with a banner that says, "We're Breaking Up, Elise!" And she's all, you hired an airplane for me, that's so sweet! Then a mariachi band suddenly appears and they play a rousing rendition of "Seriously, It's Over." And she's like, I love music! Hmmm, this is hard.

We're the break-up elves! Now scram.

Wrong Reasons Accusation #53

I know you'll be shocked at this so prepare yourselves. Someone went on this show for the Wrong Reasons! Un-freaking-believable.

But what's really unbelievable is that Marcus found Ben's love letter while - brushing his teeth? Worst cover story ever for snooping (or for being handed something by a producer). Marcus's defence: I was brushing my teeth and spilled water on Ben's bag, and happened upon his completely dry letter that I read. If Andi were here, she'd prosecute the heck out of that one.

Here's the reason why I read your mail.

Ben has a girlfriend at home! Everyone is disappointed, but Michelle M. is devastated and sobs for hours. This girl is so likeable, she does people's hair, she's funny, but this reaction? Hard to understand. Michelle explains that Ben is taking the place of another more serious guy who could be there. Doesn't Ben know she left her kid for this? Not sure if she can play the mom card. Precisely because she left her kid for this. Was that a low blow? I do really like her. Everyone hates Ben, it's a repeat of his Bachelorette experience, and he's banished from Paradise. Ben's done with TV, he claims, as climbs into the getaway car with his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle backpack.

The Roses are Wilted by a Collective Disappointment

Bachelor etiquette requires maintaining the pretence that you are open to getting to know someone even if you have zero interest. This is what everyone does as they scramble for the roses. I want to get to know you better! You have great qualities! All lies to keep from being booted.

There is only one mutual, romantic relationship here: Lacy and Marcus. Her stretched smile and his forehead sweat mean it's for real. Then there's Clare and Zack, maybe they like each other?

Lacy gives her rose to Marcus.

AshLee gives hers to Graham. He is humouring her until the guys get to hand out roses.

Clare gives a rose to Zack. As she said earlier, "I love that feeling when you just get that feeling!" Stop feeling things Clare, it's making everyone uncomfortable.

Michelle gives a rose to Marquel even though he thinks she drinks too much (accusation was made while Marquel was guzzling Merlot). Michelle decides that keen perception is not a reason for rejection and keeps him around. P.S. Everyone drinks too much on this show because there is nothing else to do. No boating activities, no fiestas, no shuffleboard, it's a wasteland alright.

Elise tries to give a rose to Dylan and he rejects it, as he said he would. Elise then gives what is perhaps meant as an inspiring speech, but instead sounds as if she may be proposing to herself. Everyone is mortified/cracking up. Elise then gives the rose to Chris B. who accepts because he has no other options.

Behold the rose of insincerity 

Sarah decides that this dynamic with Dylan and Elise has to end. She never liked him anyway. She gives the rose to Robert and (of course) they act like they want to get to know each other. Ya, right.

Not sure what's meaner, Chris B.'s nickname for Dylan (Fat Damon - for a bloated Matt Damon) or the fact that whenever I see Dylan I think about him not washing his hands after peeing. Thank goodness he's gone and this awkwardness is over. But it's not over because Elise starts attaching love letters to seagulls, hoping they'll reach Dylan before he gets to the airport.

YOPO and coconuts, and see you next week!

Don't worry, maybe next week will be better!