A Double Header for Bachelor in Paradise! AKA Lucy and Marcus in Love While Others Settle for Less

Before we start, shame on you Bachelor Producers and Puppet Master Chris Harrison. After all that hype with the ambulance, tears, and fleeing into the jungle, these were the Shocking Reveals: a) Graham felt a little nauseous and b) Lacy got food poisoning. In Mexico. I'm like the contestants on this show, disappointed with how I'm treated, feeling a bit betrayed, but I stick around anyway. Now that the reveals are revealed, let's bachcap this double header! Both episodes are recapped below.

Waterproof Mascara is Your Friend in Paradise.

Michelle cries a lot after last week's rose ceremony. She's very emotional about her quest for a loving relationship. Like Farmer Chris (announced as the next Bachelor, yay!) she lives in a less glitzy state (Utah) but seeks a shiny Hollywood partner. Michelle's fake eyelashes and mascara stay on really well when she sobs. If that were me post-cry, I'd look like this:

Why waterproof mascara is superior

Michelle thinks she won't get another "chance like this to meet someone." Let's hope not! This is a terrible way to meet someone. The pressure and head games are bananas. Michelle explains, "I'm obviously doing something wrong, what is it?" This is the wrong thing she does: Using the Bachelor franchise to set her up. 

Love is Like Eggs in a Basket of Insecurity

Clare is with Zack (for now), AshLee is with Graham (will never work), Lacy is with Marcus (common law partners by this point), Jackie is maybe with Marquel (but they never sit together), Sarah is with Robert (she's smitten) and Michelle is solo. 

This is the only relationship more stable than a sandcastle

They're low on men in paradise, so enter beefy Cody (Andi's season) who promptly asks out Clare. She doesn't want to go because of Zack, but she eats up Cody's compliments. 

There remains a problem with Clare and Zack. She is concerned that her eggs have moved into his basket forever, but his eggs are only visiting her basket until another basket comes along and his eggs will jump out. It didn't make sense to me either. In normal-speak: Zack wants to take it slow, and Clare needs a guy who is ALL IN right away. She's emotional, and emotions make him pull back. This dynamic cannot work. No one is wrong, it's just a bad match. Take back those eggs and move on!

Don't put all your eggs in a Bachelor basket.

Cody the Muscular Puppy-Man

Cody is nice and sweet and a lot like an energetic muscle puppy that will love you and kiss you and smother you with loooooove! He is overly effusive and this scares the ladies away. He also refers to himself in the third person which perhaps puppies would do if they could speak. Clare's devoted to Zack so Cody generously gives his date card to Marcus and Lacy. On the date, Marcus lets it slip that he loves Lacy but it's mutual so there is no talk of eggs. Cody later mutates into an octopus-puppy and massages Michelle with his tentacles and Michelle is happy for the attention.

Kalon Who Travels Without Baggage

Kalon enters the scene (Emily's season). Everyone hates him because on his season of the Bachelorette, he referred to Emily's child as "baggage." He also makes a very crude and yucky comment about Michelle - "ziplining" and "motorboating" were mentioned. He is not helping his reputation. And are children baggage? As per Kalon, it depends on whose carrying it. Yup, still not helping yourself here.

No one will go on Kalon's spelunking date so he goes on the first ever One-on-None date. He seems pretty happy saying he's finally on a date with someone he likes. In the cave, he looks like Narcissus, the mythical dude who fell in love with his own reflection. Because art will perhaps cleanse your palate:

Presenting Narcissus post-sperlunking

Kalon's "date" is amusing but ridiculous. He professes love, toasts himself, and gives himself a big hug. The cameras love it. He'll perhaps be single forever after these hijinks on national television, but seems like this suits him just fine. 

Here's looking at you, me.

The Cave of Lies

Back in Paradise, another guy enters the scene. It's Jesse (Jillan's season). I didn't watch the Bachelor(ette) in those days of yore, but all the sleazeball alarms go off. He arrives saying he wants to date ALL the girls. He needs a rose so he asks Jackie out to garner favour. They eat dinner in a cave, a bat flies by, she believes Jesse's lies, and an unknown musical duo serenades them. Classic Bachelor date. 

What Happens in the Hammock Does not Stay in the Hammock

The next day, in a moment of "whhhaaa?" AshLee thinks there are no cameras where she's sitting with Zack. She thus speaks meanly about Clare, saying Zack should explore his options because Clare is cuckoo and did things in the ocean with Juan Pablo. Then, uh-oh, she realizes that the cameras were on because of course this is a REALITY SHOW. 

The Bachelor sees all, sucka

Clare finds out what was said and is livid with AshLee. She later confronts AshLee and calls her tasteless and tacky. Graham must be living in a separate resort, because he doesn't hear a thing about this until Michelle tells him. AshLee is sad because she works "really hard on my character" and now she is hated by all. And, Clare is mad that Zack didn't tell her what AshLee said, and my head hurts now.

Rose Ceremony Interruptus

Lacy's rose goes to Marcus

Clare's rose and all her eggs go to Zack 

AshLee calls Graham and he looks sweaty and excuses himself from the rose ceremony. Michelle runs after. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Okay, it's Tuesday's episode now. Graham feels sweaty and clammy and needs to see the medic. His gut is screaming: Don't stay with AshLee, she's mean! He takes some Gravol and returns to accept AshLee's rose. Never mind that the girl just stood there while he was sick, looking not-at-all concerned. She would make a bad nurse. 

Then Lacy is all sickened by this too. Or maybe it was just a bad taco. Anyhoo, she ends up in an ambulance and is very brave about that IV going in her hand. She's treated for dehydration or food poisoning or eating a tequila worm. We never find out, she's back the next day totally fine. 

Because ambulances are always on hand when you get nauseous in Mexico

As usual, the Bachelor Machine stops for nothing (including vomiting). The rose ceremony continues.

Michelle gives her rose to her pet puppy Cody.

Sarah gives a rose to Robert.

Jackie believes the lies of the batcave and gives her rose to Jesse. 

Marquel must go home. Dramatically, a colony of bats from the cave date swoop in and grab hold of Marquel. Marquel soars over paradise, until the bats try to stuff him into the reject minivan. There is not enough room because it's full of his geek chic clothes and non-prescription eyeglasses, so the bats fly him home themselves. Bye Marquel!

Oh, and Kalon is ejected from paradise and orders an obscene amount of room service in the hotel for a romantic night with his favourite person. Or he hits on everyone at the hotel bar. Feel free to choose your own adventure.

Can Someone Call a Dermatologist?

Now they're low on women in paradise, tall, blond Christy enters the scene (Juan Pablo's season but I can't remember her at all). She's sunburnt immediately. Her last boyfriend was a "liar, cheater, and coward." Christy asks Zack out, but he declines due to Clare. She then asks Jesse out. In Valladolid, Christy is excited when "we finally find the tequila and all the other booze that's known here." Not sure that all the known booze is what is needed now. They talk about cheaters (Jesse's advice to cheaters: deny, deny, deny) and the tequila keeps her from noticing that history is repeating itself.

"I have no practical experience with being a cheater, but theoretically this is what I'd do..."

Valladolid dates were on sale at Costco this week, and the Bachelor bought a two-pack. Sarah and Robert go on their date there too. They bump heads and later they finally kiss. They are also kind of sunburnt. Everyone needs their moles checked, pronto. 

Let's toast heads!

Clare Bear, She's Outta There

Zach tells Clare that their relationship is intense and he wants to figure it out. Clare's on to him, he's losing interest. She wisely decides to leave this hell hole. The producers again pretend she's confessing to a raccoon. Sigh, are the Bachelor staffers all in middle school or something? Clare confesses that this is why she wanted to go on Dancing with the Stars instead. Yes, that would have been a better choice, Clare. Goodbye, and good luck. You just need a guy to chase you, instead of being in the role of the chaser. 

"Free Spirit" is a Synonym for "Drink on the House"

Lucy (Juan Pablo's season) is now thrown into the mix. She likes to run around sans clothing. I am impressed that she doesn't wear make-up on camera. You go girl! But go put on some clothes, thanks. 

How to Come on Too Strong and Scare a Lady

In other relationship news, Cody is bench-pressing Michelle. He's painting her toenails. He's saying things like, "what if we fall in love?" Michelle is feeling "overwhelmed" (meaning, suffocated). 

Down, puppy, down!

The evil minds of this franchise make it worse by having them go on an engagement/wedding photo shoot. Michelle is so uncomfortable she's literally yelling "It's fake! It's not real!" while sporting a wedding dress, hoping Cody will get the hint. He's a puppy so he can't understand words, he's just happy to be near his mistress. Pictures don't lie. Observe their expressions below:

As the Roses Draw Near

AshLee takes Graham on a car racing date and she drives like a grandma. 

At the resort, Christy complains, "there's so much booze and no one's drinking it." I wish she'd stop saying the word "booze." Time to order a Perrier, Christy. Lucy and Jesse return from their date and Jesse can't remember her name. He calls her "what's her name" and later (my favourite) "what's her nuts." Christy finds Jesse "100% honest and genuine." It's later implied that there was some time warp 1960s free love episode with Jesse, Christy, and Lucy, but it's none of my business and I don't want to think about it. 

Marcus says "I love you" two more times to Lacy. She's into it. 

But What's Really on the Line?

It's Rose Ceremony time and Chris Harrison says that there are hearts on the line. Also on the line, employment prospects for these contestants. Not all are seeming like upstanding citizens at this point. 

Robert gives a rose to Sarah.

Graham gives a rose to AshLee  - without vomiting or fainting.

Cody gives his rose to Michelle. He's told her he's falling in love. After one day. And he wants her to accept all his roses forever and ever. She should put him in a kennel for his own safety.

Marcus gives a rose to Lacy and they make out for way too long.

Zack gives a rose to Jackie because Clare is gone, and there was a mutual interest pre-Clare. This may go somewhere.

Jesse gives a rose to Christy because he couldn't remember that other girl's name.

The bloopers show Cody and Michelle playing a bean bag toss game. The loser has to kiss Marcus's left nipple. Michelle loses, but my recording cut out so I have no idea what happened! 

Maybe Michelle played catch with Cody till he was really tired and went to sleep in his basket and crushed all the eggs.

That's a good boy!

See you next week!