The Bachelor Canada Season 2 Premiere: It's Canada, We Need Coats Please

Welcome to Season 2 of The Bachelor Canada! Apparently, Tim Warmels, this random guy, is Canada's most eligible bachelor. Okay, we'll accept your premise, Bachelor Canada. Tim's a former investment banker turned tech start-up owner. He also owns his own "boutique" construction company meaning he does not have any employees and does all the work himself. You need a toilet installed, Tim's your man. He also plays hockey, obligatory for a Canadian bachelor. I feel like calling him Tim Horton but I'll try not to do that.

Canada's best catch should have bothered to shave, n'est ce pas?

The season opens with some classic shots of our bachelor. Tim Warmels in rolled up khakis on the beach (they made him do that), Tim Warmels with aviator sunglasses in a private jet (not his own jet), Tim Warmels in a fancy hotel (bill paid by City TV), Tim Warmels showering (reassuring us that he is clean), Tim Warmels rocking the Zoolander "Blue Ice" look. You get the picture.

Cameras in the bathroom, not creepy at all! Nice Cinderella pumpkin-carriage tattoo, BTW.

We are introduced to the contestants. There is a different look to the Canadian vs. American show. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe the Canadian shows seems less heavily produced? The host, Tyler Harcott, contributes to the Canadiana vibe. He's more goofy than Chris Harrison. We meet:

• Natalie, a French teacher who has a worse French accent than me. That's saying something.
• Renée, an ER doctor from Quebec who surely has more important things to do.
• April Brockman who waves her red flag immediately: "I'm a lot more work than other women but I'm worth it." Run, Tim, run.
• Jennifer, a Joyologist whose cute dog redeems her job description.
• Trish, a Pageant Queen who admittedly has not won any titles. Does this mean she just pays to be a contestant and always loses? How depressing. She's a queen of her own living room.
• Victoria, expert waxer who "vaccuums a different carpet" (ewwww) and does burlesque on the side.

You'd be joyful too if you had this jaunty pooch

Anyone notice the Rimmel make-up product placement? Lancôme was like, no thanks Bachelor Canada. 

Everyone wears their most flattering bridesmaid dresses to meet Tim. We get a lot of shots of shoes coming out of limos. And the awkward introductions begin! We're going to promptly forget about 10 of these 25 women so I won't go through them all. We can tell who Tim likes (watches them as they leave and keeps smiling) vs. those he does NOT like (turns back toward the limo with a tight-lipped smile). Rileigh gives Tim shots (so he smells boozy for the rest), Sachelle offers a seashell to help him remember her name, Trisha wears an enormous pageant sash, Alison cheers for the Habs, Renée the ER doctor gives a prescription for a good night, Jenny offers a flower pot then takes the pot inside, and April Borgnetta does a burlesque show that makes timid Tim jump out of his shiny shoes. He got scared by the confetti gun. For real. 

We have a problem with two April B.'s. Let's call them April Burlesque and April Not-Burlesque, okay? 

The Cocktail party is warmer in spirit than on the American season. Everyone immediately becomes besties. Jennifer Joyologist is the group therapist and the women love her. She's like the Jewish grandma they all need. "You're perfect, you're gorgeous, be yourself!" she tells them all. Then she insists they eat the danish she brought ("you look too skinny bubbalah!").

One for all and all for one man! Wait a minute...

The cocktail party is the usual revolving door of getting-to-know-you banalities where no one learns anything about Tim yet immediately decides he's the perrrfect guy. And then there's Kaylynn (ballerina who is drunken slurring or maybe she talks like that?) - she's already insecure and crying, I hope she can handle all this. April Burlesque tells a confusing story: she had a birthday wish to be a cheerleader so she had a cheer day and was a cheerleader all day. What does this even mean? Rebecca bakes an apple pie that looks pretty darned yummy. April Not-Burlesque is wearing the world's shiniest sequin red dress because, you know, she's WORTH IT.  

Christine the music teacher sings a song she wrote. The song is cheezola and the other women determine that she is quote, "cray cray." But Tim loves it and she gets the First Impression Rose. Another rose goes to Natalie the French teacher who wears a wedding dress. Sachelle (not Seashell) gets a rose for seeming cute and honest, but she can shoot a gun very well so watch out. Lisa is pegged as the villain because she made someone's martini glass break. And she has red hair which means she must be evil. Trish the Pageant Hopeful (this is a more accurate moniker) is worried she "might not be good enough." Oh honey, maybe the Joyologist, will take you as a client.

Rose ceremony time! Everyone is freezing outside because it's Canada but the producers want to pretend it's California.

It's freezing out here, hurry up Tim Horton.

And the roses go to:

• April Burlesque - she'll wax you till you cry, then scare you with confetti guns
• April Not-Burlesque - because she's WORTH IT
• Alison - Habs fan
• Dominique - intense starer in black dress
• Jenny - won't give Tim the flower pot
• Kaylynn - crying ballerina, overcommitted already
• Lisa - red haired villain in fur made from innocent puppies
• Martha - Mexican-Montrealer fashion buyer
• Renée - could be saving people's lives but here instead
• Rileigh - philosophy student with shot glasses
• Sonia - mature lingerie model
• Trisha - pageant hopeful who says she was at Miss Universe when she was only in the audience

Already with roses:

• Sachelle - not seashell
• Nathalie - French accent needs improvement
• Christine - sings a homemade song in an elaborate red dress

Those provided with a one-way Via Rail ticket home:

• Andrea - purple dress?
• Jacqueline - tall blonde
• Jennifer - charismatic Joyologist who goes home to cute dog
• Jewel - accountant in silk dress with basketball
• Kelsey - opens champagne with a sword
• Raelee - Canada chose her but Tim did not, and is that a real name?
• Rebecca - pie rejected
• Ritiuska - Venezuela is not Tim's favourite country
• Sarah - long spine tattoo 
• Sharan - back to working in IT

The winner gets the maple-leaf engagement ring, pictured above

Can't wait for another episode of the Bachelor Canada. You'll be watching, eh? I know I will!

P.S. Recaps likely to be posted on the weekends. À bientôt!