Bachelor in Paradise: Love Amidst the Selegments and Stalaglights

Paradise is nearing its end - this was the last week of rose ceremonies and newcomers. Let the recap begin!

Rose Ceremony Aftermath

After last week's rose ceremony, Marcus and Lacy are in the only mutual, loving relationship. In the Never Going to Work category, there are Graham and AshLee, and Cody and Michelle. The Meh category includes Robert and Sarah (although I want it to work), and the new couple Zack and Jackie. In the Boozy category, there's Jesse and Christy.

This Selegment, Brought to You by ABC

Marcus receives the first date card and asks his wife Lacy to go. Marcus has said that he loves Lacy, but she hasn't said it back. They go down into a cave and Lacy requires a lesson in cave terminology. She's impressed by all the selegments and stalaglights! Good thing that Lacy's charming so it doesn't matter that she can't pronounce this stuff.

"Did you say staligmalite or stamicdalite?"

Lacy is scared by the tiny fruit bats in the cave. Marcus gets to be her protector, but he seems really scared too. I'm not scared of flying bats, but I would be worried about all the bat poo in the water. For some reason, the producers decide to show many random shots of Mexican wildlife as Lacy gets closer to admitting the obvious (she loooooves Marcus). This segment is like the National Geographic channel, but with more ridiculously complicated mating rituals.

This monkey is disappointed when you don't admit you're in love

Lacy finally says she loves Marcus and all the animals come out of the jungle and do a choreographed musical number, Disney style.

Let's Break Up, Actually Forget It 

Michelle is reasonably weirded out that Cody has said he loves her. He's also bought an engagement ring, set the date, and booked the honeymoon. She needs space but his muscles take up all the room. She confronts him and it seems like she's breaking it off. But all of a sudden, she's saying that they'll work to create a strong foundation! There must have been a missing scene here. What just happened?!?

Then there's Sarah and Robert. Previously, it seemed like Sarah was the one worrying that Robert would reject her. But enter Brooks (Desiree's season) and she's ready to break it off with Robert! Seems like she had a pre-show crush on him. Hmmmm...anyone else think that they asked the contestants beforehand: "Which Bachelor alumni do you want to meet?" And then the producers tried to bring on their crushes to stir things up. Suspicious, right?

Brooks also wants to ask Sarah out but Robert has called stampsies no erasies on Sarah so it's a no go. Sarah looks very sad and she is literally saying it's over with Robert. But he writes her a cute note and they sit under lanterns. All of a sudden, she's asking him about moving forward in Real Life and Brooks is forgotten. They plan a romantic date at Whole Foods and Sarah's falling in love. Another deleted scene or are we expecting too much consistency from these people?

It was you all along, except for this morning when it wasn't

Is Casa Banana the Real Name of this Restaurant?

The Bachelor franchise is lazy about dates on this season. When Brooks asks Jackie out (because Sarah is taken and Zack does not stake his claim), they go for dinner in the most normal of restaurants. Whoa, a date on this show that does not involve a private round table with plastic food?! Unbelievable. They don't have much in common and Brooks finds Jackie too cute to pay attention to what she's saying. Not sure that's a compliment.

Jackie's an experienced foosball player and beats him in a game, to the delight of the patrons at Casa Banana, upscale House of Bananas.

All hail the goddess of foosball!

True fact: Casa Bananas got a pretty good review on Tripadvisor.

Hulk No Like Sharing Michelle

Christy liked Jesse until she heard he was telling tales about all his, um, romantic entanglements this season. The jig is up, and Christy's thinking he's misogynistic and manipulative. Enter nice guy Tasos (Andi's season).

Tasos likes Michelle but everyone is scared of what Cody will do if Tasos asks her out. It is presumed he will turn into the Hulk and eat Tasos's leg like a chicken drumstick. Michelle saves Tasos from dismemberment by suggesting a date with Christy, instead.

HULK SMASH BAD MAN! HULK ALSO HUNGRY FOR CHICKEN.

Tasos and Christy go on a zero chemistry date. Someone has to call a Code Red on Christy's sunburn. Bring out the aloe vera, stat! They ride along the river together and luckily no alligators attack.

The Cave of Déjà Vu

Zack gets a date card and asks out Jackie. He wants a "romantical" relationship as opposed to the dreaded platonical relationship. The Marcus/Lacy cave date is recycled. Zack and Jackie kiss and they seem to have a similar mellow vibe. This puts Zack ahead of Brooks who is more frenzied and has a sweatier forehead.

Weird Wooing 

Brooks and Zack are fighting for Jackie's rose. Zack offers a wish-bracelet. Brooks does a comedy routine and suggests that they paint each other's nails. Because that's what the ladies like in some place that is not earth.

No One Wants to Be Jesse's Girl

Jesse and Tasos are in competition for Christy's rose. Jesse says he wants the rose even though Christy is a "dumb blonde", thus solidifying the impression that he is the worst ever. Christy is on to him. It's soooo hard to believe that he's going home despite his skillful manipulation techniques (incessant blabbering and shifty gazes). He realizes his failure but decides to leave on his own accord so he can avoid the humiliating rose ceremony. Even Kalon didn't try this shifty move!

Michelle, Lacy and Christy invoke girl power and decide to confront Jesse on his cowardly departure. Christy is not really sure about the confrontation, but Michelle and Lacy insist on scolding Jesse for ungentlemanly conduct. They do their best Beyonce Independent Women impression and tell him off as he's in the reject limo.

Afterward, the women feel empowered, but Jesse's only thinking about all the "emails and invitations" he'll get at home. He just wants to party, ladies! He goes home and he only has spam and Abercrombie & Fitch coupons in his inbox. He decides that his life is too superficial and joins the Peace Corps.

Here is Your Rose + a Complimentary Cheezy Speech

This week, everyone decides to give a long-winded speech with their rose. Yawn. We have Lacy-Marcus, AshLee-Graham, Sarah-Robert, Michelle-Cody, Christy-Tasos, and Jackie-Zack. Brooks and his jokes are sent packing. He could have been fun, but the stars were not aligned. He spends the rest of his week off work preparing for an open-mic session at Giggles NightClub.

Coming Up Next: Evil Things That Will Ruin Your Vacation

Chris Harrison, Underlord of the Paradise of Hell, reveals that this is the last rose ceremony and there will be no more newcomers. They could have just let everyone enjoy the last week (really two days) of their vacation. But no, they have to add another Hunger Games style twist. Like, you escape the tracker jacker venom only to be chased by mutated creatures who want to eat you alive.

"Too weak for Paradise, are you?"

The preview does not make it clear what the twist is, but everyone's crying again. Do they make them watch all their partners' interviews? Do they ask the contestants whether they'll give up their partner for a date with someone else? Us viewers want to know! And that's why we'll tune in for the final show of this season.

I'll probably recap The Bachelor: Canada once this is all over (September 18, 2014). But we still have one more week on the worst vacation imaginable.


See you next week!