The Bachelor 19, Week 5 Recap: Showering is Optional

Welcome to Week 5 of Chris Soule's search for looooove. Chris feels that Santa Fe is the "perfect place to fall in love." So is every other city according to this show. Let's bachcap!

Geographically Impaired

Poor Megan thinks that going to New Mexico means leaving the country and going to the beach. Oh, honey. She's looking forward to the beach resorts and sombreros. The American education system hangs its head in shame. 

Doesn't own a passport

Playing Chicken with a Love Guru: 

For the first one-on-one date, Chris takes the bubbly Carly to meet a “Love and Intimacy Mentor”. Carly exclaims, "This may be the best day of my life!!" Gotta admire her realistic expectations. The Mentor normally works with couples married for a decade or two, but sure she’ll burn some sage for you on your first date. She is paid in hemp and love beads. 

Small issue: You probably FIRST need to have love and intimacy before getting a mentor like this. Kind of like you’d first need a job before you can have a workplace mentor. 

What ensues is horribly awkward. Chris and Carly are forced into close-face breathing exercises that make me hope they had breath mints on hand. The worst part was Carly feeding Chris a strawberry while blindfolded and smearing chocolate all over his lips. He doesn’t bother to lick it off and it just lingers. So gross. He’s passive with this whole date and I just keep waiting for him to call it off! Chris asked Carly on the date, he should have told the guru to back off. 

If you're wondering what the opposite of intimacy looks like...

Chris and Carly play a game of Love Guru Chicken until Carly says the safe words: “I’m uncomfortable.” Thank goodness, they were about to do a clothes-free version of that thing where you have to fall backwards into the person’s arms and hope that they catch you. Chris and Carly end up kissing with the creepy guru watching. She and her feather earrings need to fly away.

Later, Chris and Carly hang out alone on pillows in front of a fireplace. Carly asks Chris the question we are all thinking: Are you worried people will go home once they see, like, Iowa? Answer: Ya, he’s worried! We also learn that Carly is very insecure because she wasn't treated well in previous relationships. She works on cruise ships - maybe not the place to find a nice, solid boyfriend. This show's not better: having a 1 out of 11 chance of getting the guy won't help her insecurity problem. Carly gets the rose but she may not be final four material because we know that Chris prefers strong women who can smooth over awkward situations. 

Rapid-ly Going Downhill

Chris invites 8 of the women on a white-water rafting group date (Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley and Kelsey). An “orientation” guy named Cisco scares everyone with unlikely scenarios of dying on the relatively calm river. Megan is already scared that the river is full of "alligators and dead bodies." Oh boy. Jade manages to fall out of the boat and can’t warm up. She gets an over-the-tube-sock foot massage from Chris. 

Jade remains in a Cinderella pose (her theme = feet)

At the evening party, Jordan of drunken twerking-handstand fame returns from Week 2 and confronts Chris. She knows she drank too much and regrets it. Chris is hesitant, but sympathetic. Jordan explains, “Something brought me back here.” If you’re wondering, that “something” is free booze. 

All the other women freak out about Jordan’s return even though she poses zero threat. Ashley wants to be mean to Jordan, while Whitney prefers being nice to Jordan’s face but mean behind her back. Ashley and Whitney clash over these different approaches. 

Chris finally realizes that the women can’t handle Jordan’s gatecrashing and he rightly sends her packing. He gives Whitney the rose who’s happy to meet her “goal.” Everyone else sulks.

The Attractiveness Bubble

Britt gets the one-on-one date called "The sky's the limit." She sobs on Carly’s shoulder because she has a “phobia” of heights. Carly is more concerned that Britt never showers, which Britt readily admits. Michelle Money called this on Week 1, if you recall.

Let's talk about this showering thing. Either: a) Britt is really pretty AND has no natural scent or b) When you are really pretty no one seems to notice how bad you smell. Britt also sleeps in full make-up. How she is not covered in acne I will never understand. Britt wears filthy socks to the date. 

See, Britt is in the attractive person “bubble” (as coined by Tina Fey in 30 Rock) where you are not subject to the normal human rules if you’re really good looking. I don't know if you remember the episode where Alec Baldwin thinks he can speak French (he's just babbling) but no one will tell him the truth because he's good looking (here's a clip from that show). In the same sense, Britt can stink as much as she wants.

Bet that Chris doesn't realize she's wearing make-up (they don't have make-up in Iowa)

Chris and Britt go on a hot air balloon which would terrify someone with a phobia of heights. Miraculously, Britt is totally fine. She has no phobia, she was just afraid of going bungie jumping. I must point out that both dates this week had a third wheel: Guru on Carly's date and Hot Air Balloon Operator on this one. 

This is not a phobic person

The date ends in Chris’s bedroom where he says he wants as many kids as possible (to work the farm) and Britt says she wants "one hundred" children. This is too many children. Britt is a solid actress and she’s turning on the charm so hard. The other women know that Britt’s not into marriage/kids but that she’ll be safe anyway. At the end of their date, Chris and Britt “nap,” which means they just make-out like crazy. 

There is no way Britt’s moving to Iowa. She needs constant human contact. Chris’s sisters don’t look like free huggers and Britt will be left alone to hug the corn. I’d bet the farm that she’s staying in L.A.

The Kelsey Drama, AKA My Story Beats Your Story

All week, Kelsey has been surly, as she wants to share her widow story with Chris. Finally, she crashes his room and tells Chris how her husband died suddenly of heart failure. They have their first kiss. Chris is pulling away slightly, but Kelsey doesn’t seem to notice. To the camera she says, "I love my story!" She really should have been more careful in front of the cameras, this does NOT look good.

Later at the cocktail party, there is major tension. Everyone is scared they'll be booted. Whitney is like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland – obsessed with TIME. People are worried that Kelsey’s story keeps her safe another week. Kelsey is the identified villain this week. She doesn’t seem genuine, gloats about her “amazing” story, and has incongruent facial expressions when talking about sad stuff. The editors give her menacing music whenever she speaks. Never thought they could make a widow look so awful. I can't tell if I'm being manipulated by the producers or what. 

Can you tell who is going to need paramedics in 5 minutes?

Mackenzie, Mother of Kale, realizes her teen pregnancy has nothing on Kelsey’s widowhood. Ashley is also worried - she has lots in terms of eyelashes but nothing in terms of tragic stories. The women need to understand: Guys don’t find sad stories especially attractive – the sob story will keep you safe for a week on this show (maybe), but that’s it.

Chris Harrison comes in and announces that the cocktail party is cancelled because Chris Farmer has made his decisions. Everyone is terrified because they want their “tiiiimmme!” Kelsey, suddenly concerned, runs out and hyperventilates on the hallway floor. The paramedics tend to her and TO BE CONTINUED! 

I predict that Samantha Who and Megan the Geography-Impaired go home. But Mackenzie and Kelsey are also vulnerable. Lots of tears ahead!   

This bird is skeptical of Kelsey...and this show's editing

See you next week!