The Bachelor 19, Week 6 Recap: "I Know What You Did" (AKA The Most Dramatic 2-on-1 Date EVER)

The Bachelor promised and delivered! This season is seriously awesome. Let's Bachcap!

Don't Smile Like This if You Want to Be Pitied

This week started off where last week ended. Kelsey (Carly calls her the Black Widow) is lying on the floor with an oxygen mask. She quickly recovers from her "panic attack" and looks like this:

What she sells, no one buys

She's joking around too much with the oxygen mask on. The other women are none too pleased when Kelsey rejoins them all smiley, after Chris helped Kelsey off the floor. Some of the adjectives that were used: manipulative, full of %*&, really weird, tactical. They shouldn't have felt so threatened. Guys don't tend to be like: "Pseudo-panic attacks are so attractive!"

The show must go on and there's a rose ceremony. Kelsey says: "They should be worried, they wasted their time." Queen of Empathy, she is not. Roses go to: Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Ashley, and Kelsey. Already have roses: Carly, Britt, and Whitney. Yay, down to 9!! Herd is culled.

Going home are Samantha The Unknown and Mackenzie Mother of Kale. At least Samantha gets to keep her privacy and won't have embarrassing footage to haunt her for years. Go forth and date men in real life! As for Mackenzie, she will get married and have another kid named Goji Berry.

Goodbye Samantha, sorry they didn't even give you a limo

Deadwood - They Call it Dead Because No one Visits There Ever

I heard a rumour that Chris is limited in travel because of a past DUI. Although he's been one of my favourite bachelors, he has alleged run-ins with the law, some alcohol related (here's a link to the alleged offences). So helllooo, South Dakota.

This is where Calamity Jane did her business, Chris says. I have no idea what business this is. The 1-on-1 date goes to Becca, the soft-spoken virgin. The date is non-eventful but sweet. They hang out with two horses and a donkey, and then sit by a fire. Becca notices that Chris giggles like a girl and she initiates their first kiss.

He reveals he wants 4 to 6 kids which means: a) being stuck in the farmhouse for 8 to 12 years and b) no more bikinis after 6 pregnancies. That's a lot of birthing! Becca says she wants 5 kids (suspiciously, this is the average of 4+6).

Cute together, despite his Woody Woodpecker laugh

Blessed with Eloquence, but Low on Humility

The other women remain furious with Kelsey and they want her to go home. Carly, Whitney and some others confront Kelsey. Kelsey seems to hear them out, but later says that she's disliked because she's "blessed with eloquence" and 'cause she uses big words and is smart. As a reminder: This is a guidance counsellor speaking. God help the children. I'm not sure she'll be keeping her job after this public image disaster. Parents will not be saying: Yes, guide my child now.

Must Like Country Music

It's a group date with Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan. Poor Megan is confused about the date card. The others explain that this means she's safe from the 2-on-1 date. Bless her heart.

Chris loves country music so musical duo Big & Rich show up for the group date and help the ladies to write country music love songs to woo Chris. If you have no idea (I didn't), B & R wrote the classy 2004 tune "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy."

We come from 2004 to guide you

B & R are rather endearing, though. They astutely observe that the women are very different and there is not much "redundancy" amongst them. They also seem eager for any of Chris's leftovers. The women write pretty decent songs and sing with the accompaniment of a Country Elf. Carly's song was a standout, since she's a singer.

This is the country elf of which I speak

The issue is that the women have poured their hearts into this, but Chris once again proves that he is not the best with the social situations. His errors:

1. Kissing Britt in front of the other women as they write love songs - for him
2. Running off with Britt - without saying goodbye
3. Leaving the women waiting for an hour for no reason, as he takes Britt to the B & R concert
4. Returning holding Britt's hand - and Britt has a rose
5. Running off, leaving Britt to explain what happened (weak move, dude)

BAD, Chris, BAD. As an aside, when Britt is on stage with Chris at the B & R concert, she says how great it was that "everyone in the crowd wanted to be me." First off, no, not everyone wants to be one of nine women vying for a man on a reality TV show. Second, what is up with this observation? It makes her seem like she judges experiences by how jealous others will be. Kind of yucky, n'est ce pas?

High Drama in the Badlands

Both Ashley and Kelsey are overconfident for the 2-on-1 date. As they fly in a helicopter of awkwardness, Kelsey shows off that she can name all the presidents on Mount Rushmore. Again, not a selling point.

Kelsey's 4-step action plan to catch her man: Elicit pity due to widowhood, have random panic attack requiring oxygen, use big words, show off about dead presidents.

Ashley's plan: Frequent kissing, extreme eyelashes, short shorts, virgin advertising ad campaign.

Both plans are flawed, but I give Kelsey's an F and Ashley's a C-.

Turns out that Ashley CAN'T EVEN when it comes to Kelsey. I heard that the helicopter ride was 2 hours long. When they get to their Badlands destination these things happen:

-Ashley tells Chris that Kelsey is hated by the group
-Chris tells Kelsey what Ashley said (Why Chris, why?!?! Get a filter, dude!)
-Kelsey totally lies to Chris saying she considered Ashley a friend (In what universe, I'd like to know)
-Kelsey gives Ashley the stare of death (Scarier than zombies)

After a full 2 minutes of death stare, Kelsey gives best line of the season: "I know what you did." Ooohhhh.

Would you rather this stare or a zombie attack?

Let the Insults Begin!

Ashley: I may be a virgin but at least I'm sexy and she's not.

Kelsey: She's a Kardashian who didn't go on her princess date and wears way too much make-up.

Ashley: You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words, but we both have our master's degrees and mine's from a good place.

Kelsey: She needs to go home and play dress-up.

Ashley for the win: I'm not from Pleasantville, I'm from 2014.

Chris decides that this drama is too much. He dumps Ashley saying that he can't give her what she needs. Because, you know, Crazy Uncle Iowa. He's totally right, she'd hate Iowa. I love what Ashley says next: "Do you think that Britt fits the lifestyle more?" Her eyelashes speak the truth.

I'm regretting that I didn't call her Eyelashley all season. Oh well.

I watched Ashley on the Jimmy Kimmel show later that night and she was pretty awesome. She had a sense of humour about everything. She's over Chris - she hadn't thought the Iowa thing through. She was redeemed, and I'm developing a crush on Jimmy Kimmel. Here's the YouTube video of their chat.

Back to the Badlands: Chris dumps Kelsey too. He doesn't feel chemistry with her Stepford wife vibe.

Ding Dong...

When Ashley's carry-on is removed from the house, the remaining contestants are all: Noooooo! But when Kelsey's carry-on is removed, there is a raucous celebration. It's kind of like this (but with alcohol):

Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!

In the Badlands, the most hilarious exit of all time. Chris jumps back on the helicopter leaving both women in the middle of nowhere. On Jimmy Kimmel, Ashley said it was a 10-hour van ride to get back. At least they were in separate vans!

Salt in the wounds

Coming Up Next:

Set your PVRs/DVRs for Sunday and Monday. On Sunday, there's a rose ceremony and a trip to Iowa. Monday night is Hometowns. I'll try to blog as fast as I can. My pesky full-time job keeps getting in the way. I have a day off on Monday, so I'll be blogging Iowa that day.

See you next week in Iowa!