Paradise Postponed

Bachcaps will be delayed this week. I'm so sorry I can't post this week of double headers. Ugh.

Don't look at me like that! I feel guilty, I swear.

Bachelor in Paradise recaps will be up and running again for next week. Check back on Tuesday September 2nd! There'll be up to THREE bachcaps for you to enjoy that day. Whoa. Have a great week and enjoy this inspirational quote while pondering what it means in relation to this show.

Here's Sarah Herron's own recap in the meantime.

Have a great week! Love, Rachel

From Paradise to Marq-Hell

The world's weirdest resort is back for another week of Schadenfreude (you know, the German word for taking pleasure in the misery of others). A poorly kept secret: they're not really weeks at all. The editors did a sloppy job as various contestants admit that the weeks really last two to three days. There are seven episodes meaning the whole affair lasts a mere two to three weeks. This knowledge makes everyone's love quests all the more ridiculous.

"Week" Three Status Update

Marcus and Lacy are acting like smug marrieds. That term is stolen from Bridget Jones's Diary. How much better would this show be if Bridget Jones were on it? They really would benefit from a female contestant with an English accent who smokes and loves food and has no filter. Who's casting all these humourless, ernest singles? 

What this show really needs

Back to the show: Elise has fallen for Chris B., but his intentions are suspect. Zack and Clare are an item but she may like him more. Graham's still with AshLee despite this being a ticking time bomb. The rest is a bit murkier.

Flights to Campeche, on Sale at Costco

Bachelor in Paradise buys a value pack of flights to a place called Campeche for the dates this week. Marquel is mucho popular with the ladies. Michelle thinks he's the guy for her. Enter fresh blood in the form of Danielle (Juan Pablo's season). She's been crushing on Marquel and her date card goes to him. They seem to get along and she has nice freckles and fun hair. Marquel calls her a "great-looking girl" but has little else to say, so he says this six times.

The Rainbow With the Silver Lining

After the awkward rose refusal by Dylan, Elise has decided that Chris is her rainbow, silver lining, and light at the end of the tunnel. No pressure. Chris's knee tries to get him out of this situation by becoming sprained. The knee then tries to convince Chris not to go on a date with Elise. Here's a picture of the knee under ice trying to get its point across:

This knee speaks the truth

Chris fails to follow the good advice of his knee and goes on the date. On the date, Elise's shoes are as practical as her ideas about relationships. Chris's intentions don't seem all too honourable. He ignores his pain to pursue this conquest. Elise's green sequins bikini is not "find your soulmate" swimwear. They get two keys but only use one and yadda yadda yadda. 

Crush Crushed

Enter yet another contestant named Jackie (Sean's season - but I don't remember her). Marquel has just returned from his date with Danielle when Jackie asks him out. He's totally into it and loving the fact that he gets to feel like The Bachelor for a day! They use one of the Costco plane rides and say they don't kiss on first dates and then kiss.

Danielle knows that Marquel's date with Jackie is bad news and admits that "the rose is in his garden." I appreciate that she has new Bachelor metaphors to offer.

Kneed a Reality Check

Elise is relishing her role as Chris's caretaker. He's in so much pain he can't get up and therefore cannot explore other relationships. I'm reminded of Misery by Stephen King.

"I am your number one fan"

Elise exclaims: "This is my man forever!" Sarah tries to give her a reality check and is more direct than I've ever seen anyone be on this show (except Dylan). Elise will heed no warnings and it's full steam ahead on the Love Boat.

Turtle in the Land o' Hares

Zack and Clare are hanging out a lot. We'll just ignore the fact that Zack showed interest in Jackie when she first showed up. They see a turtle on the beach. Clare takes it as a sign that her dad is watching over her, which is sweet. It's funny to see a turtle on this show, the slowest moving of animals, when these humans are speed daters on Red Bull.

AshLee suffers from too-fast-itis and is starting to scare away Graham. She shares that she follows him on Istagram so she "really knows" the type of man he is. He makes facial expressions that are appropriate for the situation (shocked/confused-eye-widening). Her dress matches the tablecloth perfectly. Graham reminds her it's the first date and wisely decides that they will stay in separate rooms. Good call, Graham. Slow this train down!

And the Roses Go To...

The dress code for rose ceremonies is, shall we say, loose?

Rose ceremony or beach-time costume party?

There is a bit of a scuffle over Robert as Sarah and Michelle vie for his rose. Earlier this "week" Sarah was sad that Michelle had the courage to ask Robert on a "date" when she didn't. She is jealous of Michelle's beauty. But who will Robert pick?

Chris Harrison arrives to oversee the process. Graham gives his rose to AshLee. Zack's rose goes to Clare. Marcus picks Lacy. Marquel snubs Danielle and the rose goes to Jackie. Danielle should do better in the real world of dating. Robert is vibing better with Sarah than Michelle, so Sarah gets the rose.

Then, shock of all shocks, villain Chris B., possibly hyped on painkillers and/or delusional from pain almost redeems himself. He starts to offer the rose to Elise, then says he can't. He wants to go home, and he wants her to come with him! Turns out that he doesn't have health insurance and her 24-hour nursing skills will be of great benefit. He adds in a bunch of nice stuff about how awesome she is because he can only pay her with compliments, as his only recent employment has been from the Bachelor franchise. He offers his leftover rose to Michelle who he says is deserving of love. Everyone is tearing up and Michelle thinks this is the nicest gesture ever, but really it was either her or Danielle who he never even spoke to. Danielle is thus the odd-woman out, and as she explains it, enters the dark world of Marq-Hell.

Elise and Chris hobble out together (recall her high heels) into the sunset of silver linings, rainbows and unicorns. A bluebird sits on her shoulder and the couple laughs high-spiritedly as they enter the mini-van of true love! They break up 3 hours later.

Don't despair, every unicorn has a silver lining!

Next week looks very dramatic. Stay tuned for a double header. Adios, amigos!

YOPO Because Once Is More Than Enough

YOPO = You Only Paradise Once. That's because you'd have to be out of your mind to come back to this place. Metaphor of the day: If you get food poisoning, do not go back to the restaurant.

There was so much ludicrosity this episode. Let's start with Mr. Two Casts.

Giving New Meaning to "Fall" in Love

Michelle K. wasn't sad to leave Paradise because she had a honey on the side. Turns out she struck up a romance with a Bachelor staffer named Ryan. Chris Harrison is angry because only relationships that he officially sanctions should exist. Little known fact: his previous job was in a zoo breeding program. He was the guy who stuck two orangutans in the cage and waited for the magic to happen.

Chris Harrison's first love match! 

It is soon revealed that Michelle K. was wooed by Ryan's offerings of "floss and handpicked flowers." Ah, the classic gifts of love. Ryan does not want the dalliance to be discovered so he decides to keep it low-key by jumping off a 20-foot balcony. Because who would notice that, right? Way to keep things on the down low, Ryan. Your writhing and screaming aren't at all suspicious. For his efforts Ryan gets two broken legs and a Darwin award.

Back to the Island of Few Options

Lacy and Marcus are pretty much married, and Robert Red Nose is de facto dumped. Graham still tolerates AshLee. Elise is a human barnacle on Dylan. Marcus and Michelle M. are maybe together, but Marcus just sits on his bunk bed all day planning funky outfits and picking out matching nerd-chic eyeglasses. Ben is happy he's not a villain (yet). Sarah provides the commentary.

Clare gets first dibs on the guys today. When Chris B. (Emily's season, Bachelor Pad Casanova) enters the fray, everyone knows about his "questionable reputation." Clare wants to "push past my doubts." I'm talking to the television: Clare, keep them doubts! She later comes to her senses and promptly falls for the newest new guy, Zack (Desiree's season). They went in the ocean together, which is Bachelor-speak for "yadda yadda yadda" which really means things I shouldn't write here so this blog can remain respectable. All I know is that she felt his connection in the ocean and I'm sure she meant the mental connection.

How to Smother a Man in 5 Easy Steps!

Elise is too into Dylan and he feels smothered and stifled. He tries a fancy break-up manoeuvre. He encourages her to seek out other guys, and when she does (i.e., ocean with Chris B.) Dylan pretends to be all upset and breaks it off. Elise takes this as evidence of their "connection." Okay, that didn't work. So Dylan asks out another girl (Sarah). Elise decides that this is a good thing for their relationship! Okay, another fail. So Dylan tells Elise to go explore her feelings for Chris. Elise replies that she and Dylan are surely on the path of love. Yikes. So, he hires an airplane with a banner that says, "We're Breaking Up, Elise!" And she's all, you hired an airplane for me, that's so sweet! Then a mariachi band suddenly appears and they play a rousing rendition of "Seriously, It's Over." And she's like, I love music! Hmmm, this is hard.

We're the break-up elves! Now scram.

Wrong Reasons Accusation #53

I know you'll be shocked at this so prepare yourselves. Someone went on this show for the Wrong Reasons! Un-freaking-believable.

But what's really unbelievable is that Marcus found Ben's love letter while - brushing his teeth? Worst cover story ever for snooping (or for being handed something by a producer). Marcus's defence: I was brushing my teeth and spilled water on Ben's bag, and happened upon his completely dry letter that I read. If Andi were here, she'd prosecute the heck out of that one.

Here's the reason why I read your mail.

Ben has a girlfriend at home! Everyone is disappointed, but Michelle M. is devastated and sobs for hours. This girl is so likeable, she does people's hair, she's funny, but this reaction? Hard to understand. Michelle explains that Ben is taking the place of another more serious guy who could be there. Doesn't Ben know she left her kid for this? Not sure if she can play the mom card. Precisely because she left her kid for this. Was that a low blow? I do really like her. Everyone hates Ben, it's a repeat of his Bachelorette experience, and he's banished from Paradise. Ben's done with TV, he claims, as climbs into the getaway car with his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle backpack.

The Roses are Wilted by a Collective Disappointment

Bachelor etiquette requires maintaining the pretence that you are open to getting to know someone even if you have zero interest. This is what everyone does as they scramble for the roses. I want to get to know you better! You have great qualities! All lies to keep from being booted.

There is only one mutual, romantic relationship here: Lacy and Marcus. Her stretched smile and his forehead sweat mean it's for real. Then there's Clare and Zack, maybe they like each other?

Lacy gives her rose to Marcus.

AshLee gives hers to Graham. He is humouring her until the guys get to hand out roses.

Clare gives a rose to Zack. As she said earlier, "I love that feeling when you just get that feeling!" Stop feeling things Clare, it's making everyone uncomfortable.

Michelle gives a rose to Marquel even though he thinks she drinks too much (accusation was made while Marquel was guzzling Merlot). Michelle decides that keen perception is not a reason for rejection and keeps him around. P.S. Everyone drinks too much on this show because there is nothing else to do. No boating activities, no fiestas, no shuffleboard, it's a wasteland alright.

Elise tries to give a rose to Dylan and he rejects it, as he said he would. Elise then gives what is perhaps meant as an inspiring speech, but instead sounds as if she may be proposing to herself. Everyone is mortified/cracking up. Elise then gives the rose to Chris B. who accepts because he has no other options.

Behold the rose of insincerity 

Sarah decides that this dynamic with Dylan and Elise has to end. She never liked him anyway. She gives the rose to Robert and (of course) they act like they want to get to know each other. Ya, right.

Not sure what's meaner, Chris B.'s nickname for Dylan (Fat Damon - for a bloated Matt Damon) or the fact that whenever I see Dylan I think about him not washing his hands after peeing. Thank goodness he's gone and this awkwardness is over. But it's not over because Elise starts attaching love letters to seagulls, hoping they'll reach Dylan before he gets to the airport.

YOPO and coconuts, and see you next week!

Don't worry, maybe next week will be better!

I Can't Even

Let's take a moment to reflect. What are we doing with our lives?

This show, oh boy.

The desperate dates, the lies, the guy who broke both his legs jumping off a 20-foot balcony. And Elise with her speech. What? Was she trying to propose to herself?

I just can't recap tonight. I have not the strength nor mental fortitude. Bachcap will be up soon. But first let's take a deep breath. We'll make it through, together. Love, Rachel.

Bachelor in Paradise: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Welcome to Bachelor in Paradise!

But really it's Mexico, and the island is infested with fire ants. 

There are date cards and rose ceremonies. Chris Harrison, our host and overlord (now donning pastels), has added an evil a twist. Each week, there's more people than roses, and one or more contenders are sent home. 

It's totally The Hunger Games, Bachelor-style. You've got the contestants (AKA "tributes") from the different seasons (districts) fighting for love while trapped in the Bachelor arena. The games have the goal of entertaining the populace (us viewers) who live in a dystopian world (summer television wasteland). For die hard Hunger Games fans, remember how President Snow had those genetically enhanced white roses? Chris Harrison also genetically engineers his roses! One sniff, and you lose all rationality and common sense. How else can we explain these people's behaviour?

Let's go husband hunting.

The Contenders

Six eligible men: 
From Andi's season: Marcus, Marquel, and Dylan.
From Desiree's season: Robert and Ben S.
From DeAnna's season: Graham

Seven lovely ladies: 
From Juan Pablo's season: Clare, Elise, and Lacy (Who is she? Oh, booted the first night)
From Sean's season: Daniella, Sarah, and AshLee
From Jake's season: Michelle K. 
And showing up late (flight delayed? failed attempt at drama?): Michelle Money from Brad's season. 

There will be only 6 roses so two females must go home. But a few of the women are given date cards and get to choose their own dates.

Are You Still Reading? 

Please, go do something more important. 

Okay, If You Insist. 

It's been several seconds and everyone is in love and jealous and desperate. It only takes 14 minutes (true statistic) before Marcus mentions the "right reasons." Then Marcus states that you don't get over someone until you meet someone better. Not better for him, or a better match. Just objectively better.

Everyone Jumps the Gun

It's not even one day into the games, and AshLee's already heartbroken over Graham. She's so jealous that Clare feels compelled to rescind her date offer to Graham and ask Robert instead. That was nice of you Clare - you have the lead on Girl Power points and win this week's Powerpuff award!

"It's okay! All you men are interchangeable anyway!"

Clare is observed chatting with a raccoon but that was just the editors being jerks. Animals keep making cameos because they are acting with more sense than the humans. 

AshLee won't talk to Graham because he had accepted Clare's (now defunct) date offer. AshLee honey, that was not a betrayal! She forgot that to be in a relationship you need to first start the relationship.

Marcus and Robert immediately fall in love with Lacy who resembles Nicole Ritchie and is a ruthless huntress of men.

Elise is loving on Dylan and wants to say "I love you" waaaaay too soon.

Date Highlights In a World Gone Crazy

Clare and Robert: Robert gets covered in fire ants. Both him and Clare just stand there. Run, people! They plan to climb up the Mexican ruins. Clare does not know what a "vista" is, but she wants to see it, and thankfully she can read the brochure. No connection really (remember that Robert fancies Lacy), but it's nice to see Clare less bitter about Juan Pablo the Hated. 

Sarah and Marcus: Sarah is attracted to Marcus (already in love with Lacy). She invites him on her date. They jump into a lagoon. Sarah is proud to confront her history of shyness and she congratulates herself on kissing the hottest guy at the dance. This relationship will go nowhere. 

Michelle M. and Marquel: They go horse riding. I miss Chris the Farmer.

Lacy and Robert: Lacy invites Robert on an evening date where they actually eat the Bachelor dinner food! They must be starving the contestants on the island. Or they are getting better food, like burritos. There is chemistry (for Robert only). Lacy's just hedging her bets.

Rose Ceremony Dress Code Confusion

It's more casual. Marquel has awesome resort-wear. Yellow pants, nautical shirt, and tux jacket. Michelle M. teases her hair with extensions and wears a cape and boots. Because, totally what everyone wears on vacay, amiright?

The weirder and silent Michelle decides to leave before she can be actively rejected. In the Reject Van she insinuates that she has a suitor at home.  

Roses are given out:
Marquel to Michelle M. (obvious)
Graham to AshLee (why? he said she made him feel "uber-uber-uncomfortable")
Dylan to Elise (predictable)
Marcus to Lacy (whoa, totally dissed Sarah)
Robert to Clare (if he can't give it to Lacy, Clare's second best)
Ben to Sarah (saying, "this sucks")

Daniella goes home and writes a postcard that arrives at the island next week, explaining that she met a great guy on Match.com and why would anyone waste their time with Chris Harrison's mind games. The contestants can't process this because they are all under the spell of genetically enhanced roses which make them forget that you can go to a Sandals resort and have a much better time.

This is all so ridiculous, if you want to be a Grumpy Cat and give up on this show I wouldn't blame you. But I can't help myself, I love this stuff. See you next week!