Tuesday, 18 November 2014

The Bachelor Canada Season 2 Finale (Part 2) - The Final Rose, the RING, and After the Final Rose

It's here - the finale of The Bachelor Canada Season 2! The Canadian format is a little different. We get only 30 minutes of final mini-date and final rose, followed by 30 minutes of After the Final Rose. Here's your final Bachcap for this Season!

April Stays Put

Last episode was left with April saying she was overwhelmed and wanted to leave. This week picks up at that same moment. Tim hugs her and leaves her room. Dramatic Tahitian (or some other) drum music plays in the background. The next morning the couple gets a mini-date. They sit on the beach for a few minutes and April leaves Tim with a letter. She writes: "Sometimes the things that scare you the most will give you the biggest rewards." Personally, I have found this to be untrue. Things that scare me: a) camping in mosquito season, b) getting sunburns, c) rabies. Back to the show: April writes that she loves Tim and "after all this I want to be with you no matter what." Except if Tim picks Trisha, then she takes it all back.

Trish Tries to Lock Things Down

On their mini-date, Tim and Trish stand on a bridge where people have hung lots of locks and keys, like the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris, which is about to collapse due to the locks. Trish puts the lock on the bridge to symbolize their solid relationship and Tim throws away the key.

Blingity Bling

Neil Lane is either too snobby or too expensive for the Bachelor Canada, so the lesser known Michael Hill presents ring choices. Little known fact: this jeweller has been knighted by The New Zealand Order of Merit (as per his website and I'll generously assume that this Order is a real thing). Sir Michael offers a 2-carat ring or a 3-carat ring. Tim makes the obvious choice: Who would pick less carats, c'mon.

Sir Michael's bling

Prepping for Proposal or Dumpage

This is awful, both women think that they are Tim's choice, but Trish feels a little like a bride whose groom may not show up.  As April preps in her room there's a long focus on the label for her very pretty dress - yet another product placement. That's how they paid for this show. Along with federal and provincial tax credits - for real, they thanked tax credits at the end of the show! A therapist and a colourist were also credited.

About That Lock Thing...

Tim is smiling like a maniac when Trish approaches the adorned proposal dock overlooking the water. Since she's first, we know she's a goner but Tim's giving no hint of this. What's with his smile?

Scary smile, Tim

He starts with: "When I met you, you were really funny" and it goes downhill from there. He says his "heart is more fully somewhere else." Trish gets walked to the limo of rejection and that's a long flight back to Canada. Bet they made her fly coach.

The Proposal

April walks to Tim and tells him he has all the qualities she wanted and more she didn't even know she wanted. Tim calls her calm, which he thinks is maybe innocence hiding a shark. And, I'm concerned that he doesn't get April at all. Tim's on his knee, he asks April to marry him, and she says, "Ya, I will!" and "holy moly." She accepts the obligatory final rose. Tim is then seen with his pants rolled up (his favourite way of wearing pants) and he's sweeping April up, carrying her as he wades in the ocean.

A recap of their relationship is shown as Canadian singer Andrew Allen croons Loving You Tonight. A match is made! I thought it would be April, but I can't shake the feeling that Tim likes April WAY more than she likes him. My husband walked by midway through the show and he said, "She's not hanging around." Time will tell, I give them 6 months to a year because statistically, that's how long these relationships last.

For everyone's sake I hope it's true love and that they are happy together forever.

True love or is April making a defensive posture?

The Awkward Aftermath (After the Final Rose)

After the Final Rose begins with Trisha and host Tyler. Trish is forced to watch a recap of her time on the show and in a little box on the corner of the screen, we watch her expressive face show every emotion. She says her life now is "lonely." Tim enters and it's so awkward that Trish says, "it's a little weird, eh?" Tim says that his relationship with April "overshadowed" what he had with Trish.

Just a note about the audience here. I think they were time-warped from a 1990's informercial.

Trish asks Tim one question: When did he know that he was going to choose April? Tim completely avoids the question, saying that it was up and down with April. Very unsatisfying. We hear later that Tim fell in love with April after meeting her family, so that's probably when he decided April was the frontrunner. But he's not about to admit this incriminating Timbit. Trish is so nice about it all, calling the couple "adorable." Her beauty pageant training taught her to be a graceful first runner-up. At the end, Trish jokes, "Now I'm dying alone, thanks Tim." (Ouch). But we know she's not, Trish may need a better job but she's kind and funny. She'll be dating someone else in no time.


Now it's time for Tyler and Tim's one-on-one. Tim says that he's "hopelessly in love." Tyler makes it weird by making Tim play a word-association game to "lighten things up," like they do on In the Actor's Studio. Here are Tyler's questions and Tim's responses:

Favourite word? "Enormous" (???)
Everyone person needs... "Love" (obvious)
What kind of underwear do you wear? "A lot of the times, I don't" (TMI & probably untrue - this guy is so coiffed, he's not skipping the undies, but if true, ick)
What is your dream honeymoon destination? "Tahiti" (but you were just there!)
What do you want written on your tombstone? "Good job" (his tombstone, his choice)
First thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word bachelorette? "April" (right answer)

April comes out and Tim runs to her. Tyler doesn't know if he should give April a single or double kiss, not too smooth. April says it's hard sustaining a relationship when they don't see each other, she says it's been "difficult." April makes very little eye contact with Tim. The recap of Tim and April's time on the show makes Tim cry, but April is dry-eyed. She calls their love "very rare" and says that they have wedding plans. But I'm wondering, is she really that into Tim? I can't say I'm confident about this one lasting, but who knows. Let's hope they're both happy!

There are no announcements for another Bachelor Canada. It would be great to have a Bachelorette Canada at some point.

In the meantime, 33-year old farmer Chris Soules will be the Bachelor in January 2015. I'll be blogging, so bookmark this page or sign up for blog emails. I'm curious about what kind of woman will want to move to his Iowa farm. His dating profile reads: Must like corn and scarecrows.

Waiting till January will be hard - hibernation here I come!

I may do periodic updates if I hear news about the upcoming Bachelor season. Here's one mini update: From Bachelor in Paradise, Cody and Michelle are still together (dating) as are Lacy and Marcus (engaged). And Cody now does Skype fitness consultations - you can schedule one directly from his Twitter account. Great holiday gift for the Bachelor fan who has everything :)

Have a great November, and see you in a little bit!

Bachelor Canada Season 2 Finale: The Preview Suggests a Proposal!

The Bachelor Canada put out this preview for Part 2 of the finale tonight. Both women are still present, in their gowns, walking to the proposal mount (through a jungle of leaves).

I think Tim likes April more because:

1) She got the fantasy yacht date, while Trish got the horse picnic
2) Body language throughout the season
3) Tim was begging April to stay after the awkward meet the parents date. Why do that just to reject a person?

Tim seems to want to propose, and the preview quotes him saying, "Will you marry me."

Prediction: April & Tim with a proposal. Whether or not she accepts the proposal, I'm not sure. Maybe she would say no to a ring, but yes to dating. Your bachcap will be ready either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Enjoy tonight's episode, 8 PM on City.

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

The Bachelor Canada, Week 9: Cold Feet in the Fantasy Suite

The Bachelor Canada's in Tahiti this week for the major milestones of Fantasy Suites and Meet the Parents. First off, Tahiti is darned gorgeous. This was a one-hour travel ad. But not everything went smoothly. Let's bachcap!

Date with Trisha: Horsies and Pineapples

Tim takes Trish horseback riding through a pineapple plantation. It's lush and green, and Trish's horse is totally bonkers. Why couldn't Tim just switch horses with her. Trish and her horse keep veering off and I'm expecting a major pineapple accident. Luckily, nothing happens and they make it to their picnic area.

If this is supposed to be a metaphor for Tim's final choice, it's VERY rude

Trish loves "all the sides" of Tim, and Tim loves that Trish is bubbly, fun and confident. He finds she "has an intelligence about her" which is not exactly the same as calling someone "intelligent." To me it means, "you're not smart but you are wise in the way of children."

There is the usual talking about the rest of their lives being "one big amazing adventure." Tell me if you're still thinking like this when the grand adventure is picking up toilet paper from the pharmacy because your wife said you ran out.

To summarize, Tim and Trish have a picnic, they kiss, they have a dinner overlooking the water (gorgeous location!) and he offers the fantasy suite card. This was the first time I've ever seen a couple visibly blush before the fantasy suite. Trish accepts and off they go.

Date with April: The Yacht Means I Love You

When one woman gets to have a picnic in a pineapple patch, and the other woman gets to go on a yacht, we know who's the frontrunner. Tim admits, he wants this date to be "epic." Meaning, he likes April best.

The date you save for the one you really like

April doesn't feel "completely ready" to accept a proposal, but Tim wants her to take a "leap of faith." They leap off the edge of the yacht, they toast to "trust" (weird, right?), and none of it works. April likes/loves Tim, but she's not sure about the quick move toward a proposal. April's with the 95% of people who would not want to get engaged a few weeks after meeting the guy. She keeps playing with her hair. It's not going great, but April accepts to enter the fantasy suite because she needs to spend time with Tim. In a twist of awesomeness, the suite is ON THE YACHT. It's tight quarters down there - the bed takes up the whole room. Feels a bit claustrophobic - maybe this wasn't the best choice for their date after all.

Trish Meets the Parents: It's Good to Have Pageant Experience

Time to meet Tim's parents. Parents Peter and Marg look a bit uptight at first which is normal considering this bizarre scenario they're in. But Trish does a comedy show and makes them super-comfortable ("have you heard the one about my grandma's pot roast?"). It's like she's auditioning for Last Comic Standing. Marg takes Trish aside and has a list of questions which she calls the "interview for a lifetime" - No pressure. Trish's pageant experience comes in handy. She builds such a great rapport that when it starts to rain, she gets away with saying that Marg totally pulls off the "drowned rat" look. At the end, to the camera, Trish claims, "I nailed it!" No one could disagree with that!

Trish wows the parents with comedy and Jazz Hands (p.s., sorry my flash keeps ruining these pictures!)

April Meets the Parents: Um, Uh, Noooooo

Nope, this does not go well at all. April is feeling very ambivalent about this whole process. She feels "overwhelmed," she has "reservations," and she is not in the "head space" to meet Tim's parents. Peter and Marg begin to grill her, but April cannot answer basic questions. They ask her what she likes best about Tim, and she clams up like it's a surprise calculus exam. Poor April, she can't focus because she's so preoccupied with her concerns about the looming proposal. When she's talking to the camera, she's articulate in describing her thoughts. She feels she made a "terrible impression." This was so awkward to watch, I can't imagine how it felt to be in this situation. Horrible, awful, I feel so bad for her.

Parent Debrief 

Tim asks his parents what he should do. They answer that Trish seems more at ease and comfortable with herself, but they like that April is honest and upfront. Tim wants them to help him choose, but they won't fall into this trap. Tim asks who they imagine opening the door to, and Marg answers that it'll be a woman who loves and "puts up" with him. Yup, that sounds about right.

We Saw it Coming

Foreboding Tahitian music is playing and we know bad things are coming. Tim is summoned to April's room. She's crying  - everything has happened too quickly and she's freaking out. April feels too much pressure, there are so many "expectations!" This makes her want to pull away. Tim tries to process this with April, but the verbiage of it all just freaks her out more. She says she wants to GO HOME.


Then we get to see the credits, which I can't remember ever seeing on this show. Tim Warmels gets a credit as The Bachelor. I find it funny that there are credits for the "Senior Date Producers."

There are no previews for next week. Does April really go home? She's the frontrunner (as evidenced by the yacht). If she goes home, does Tim choose no one? Or does he possibly pull a Desiree and pick his second choice (remember when Brooks left and she was like, "Okay, Chris, I pick you!")? Or maybe Trish is really the frontrunner and the yacht was a misdirect (I don't think so, but it's possible).

"Hmmm, I think I need to sleep on it to figure this out (woof!)"

See you next week for the SHOCKING finale!

Saturday, 8 November 2014

The Bachelor by the Numbers: Your Stats for Relationships and Marriages on this Kooky Show

The Bachelor tries to sell you a product. Inside the pretty box: True love! Proposal! Huge ring! Marriage! Kids! And being in love foreeeevvvver! But how many Bachelor relationships actually survive? Here are your stats (courtesy of Wikipedia)! I'm not counting The Bachelorette or franchises outside the U.S. for these stats. We'll save that one for another day. Here's the math:

First of All, the Bachelor Probably Won't Pick You

Usually, there are around 25 contestants. Out of these, only one can be chosen (unless we get a season of sister wives, but that hasn't happened yet). Therefore, a female contestant's chances of getting The Final Rose is approximately 1/25, which translates to a 4% chance. Minuscule, right?

This kitten thinks that these contestants deserve better

This is a pretty lousy chance at falling in love. In the real world, that's like having to date 25 different men before finding a committed boyfriend. That's a different guy every 2 weeks for a year. Exhausting!

Here's your present: a 4% chance of a boyfriend (and a 96% chance of crying in a limo)

Proposals and Marriages

Almost all Bachelors give out a Final Rose (17/18, or 94%). Only Brad Womack had a season where he rejected all. He was given another chance but of course that flopped too. If a contestant gets a Final Rose, what happens next? There's a 59% chance that the Bachelor will propose (10 out of 17 Bachelors proposed; the other 7 "took a chance at a relationship").

There's only an 11% chance that the Bachelor will get married (2 out of 18 Bachelors got hitched). Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa, but later chose to be with runner-up Molly. It's debatable if this one counts, but I'm feeling generous (without Jason/Molly the marriage rate is 6%!) Jason and Molly have been together for almost 6 years and have two kids. Sean and Catherine are married and have been together for almost 2 years. A total of 89% of Bachelor couples never get married!  Chris Harrison, stop looking so smug at The Final Rose show - you know a wedding is unlikely.

Eight out of 10 Bachelors who proposed never got married. Did the women have to return the Neil Lane ring? I bet they did.

Going back to the store

How Long Do Bachelor Relationships Last?

The answer: Not long. Like, really, really NOT LONG. I've seen inch-worms that were longer than these relationships. Most commonly, if a match is made, the couples break up within a year (76%!!!). There is a small chance that they'll date for a few years before breaking up (11%).

Here's your break-down. Out of 18 seasons:

6% (1 contestant) didn't manage to make a match (Brad)

17% (3 couples) broke up after a few weeks (Bon/Estella; Jesse/Jessica; Travis/Sarah)

44% (8 couples) broke up after a few months (Alex/Amanda; Aaron/Helene; Andrew/Jen; Lorenzo/Jennifer; Andrew/Tessa; Matt/Shayne; Jake/Vienna; Brad/Emily)

11% (2 couples) broke up within a year (Ben/Courtney; Juan Pablo/Nikki)

11% (2 couples) broke up within 5 years (Bryan/Mary; Charlie/Sarah)

11% (2 couples) are married (Jason/Molly; Sean/Catherine) - No divorces yet!
76% of Bachelor couples don't even date for a year!

A Warning to All Prospective Contestants: Let's say you make it through the producer interviews, and yay, you're on the show! You have a LESS THAN 1% CHANCE of actually getting married to the Bachelor. (This is the math: out of the 4% who get a final rose, only 11% get married, so your total chance at marriage = 0.44%). Doesn't sound like such a good idea to quit your job for a chance at love! 

This monkey thinks that <1% is not a good chance at finding love (he found his wife by getting set up by a friend)

Despite the stats, I still think this show is so much fun to watch! See you next week for another recap of Bachelor Canada.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

The Bachelor Canada Week 8: The Women Tell All - The "For the Right Reasons" Tribunal

Nothing is more tedious than a Women Tell All episode. Luckily, I watched this thing for you. Save yourself the misery and read the recap instead. You're welcome. Let's bachcap!

South of the Border Comparisons

The Bachelor Canada seems to have the same set and hyped-up audience as the American version. Did they film this in L.A. or is it that easy to recreate a set? Maybe they are just using a green screen and old Bachelor footage to save money. Tyler the host is back but he can't quite muster the charisma of Chris Harrison. At least we know now that the Mexican sharks didn't eat him.

There are less women than usual, only 12. I appreciate that we can just forget about the whachamacolit people who left super early. Like the U.S. version, there are hot seats and nasty comments, but maybe more ownership of one's actions? Debatable. Oh, and even though this show is called the WOMEN tell all, no one (contestant or host) says "women" because of course they are GIRLS. Be you 23 or 42, you're a girl and OMG this is so offensive to me.

"Whoa, are you telling me that "woman" doesn't mean 50 or older?"

Hot Seat #1: Kaylynn (No Crying)

First, we get to see a montage of Kaylynn's most humiliating moments on the show. Basically, clips of crying and kissing. She is attacked by youngest contestant Rileigh who articulately explains how Kaylynn makes her feel "ewchhh" if there were words for that sound. Tyler admits that it's not normal to have to watch all your worst moments in a TV montage, and Kaylynn admits it's all very embarrassing. She doesn't cry or kiss anyone and is thus redeemed.

Interlude: Bam!

For comic relief, April Burlesque gets her own quirky montage where she talks about her life dreams. You know, the usual stuff, like meeting Quentin Tarantino and becoming mayor. She has a catchphrase of "Bam!" which she has blatantly stolen from chef Emiril Lagasse.

Works for chefs and burlesque dancers alike

Hot Seat #2: Natalie Stirs the Pot

Yet another montage, this time of Natalie's journey. I saw the show already, producers - I don't need an end of chapter review and quiz to remember the details.

Natalie says she only came back to the show to "stir the pot and cause drama." All the other women freak out and attack. Dominique, who has the confusing and unlikely profession of "Reception & IT/Model" calls the move "selfish." Natalie doesn't seem to mind the attacks because she "had the best of intentions." But, what? Never mind.

Hot Seat #3: Lisa Repents 

We are subjected to yet another montage, this time of Lisa, who Trisha hath dubbed the "wiry, fiery devil." Lisa is hated by the other women for saying mean things to the camera and for having made out with an Italian bartender on the only outing ever allowed in Bachelor history. Lisa has some fine excuses. Here they are in case you need to use them for a situation in your own life:

"I'll blame that one on the liquor."
"I'm human, I can be nasty."
"I had a lot to drink"
"I don't know what happened."

Feel free to use any of these excuses for: a) forgetting someone's birthday, b) being late for work, or c) saying something rude to your mother-in-law.

Since Lisa can't (or won't) remember The Night of the Italian Bartender, Sachelle gives her version: All the women were dancing and, oops, Lisa is lip-locked with an Italian bartender. Lisa is pulled away, returns to her Romeo, and later celebrates her achievement loudly on the streets of Tuscany. I would have preferred Lisa's own recounting of the story (and a picture of the bartender) but alas we just get Lisa's apology and that's all she wrote.

Hot Seat #4: Sachelle, the Canadian Stereotype 

Sachelle says she felt very comfortable with Tim and was shocked to be sent home. Tim comes on set and his tie totally matches her dress, like they are dressing up to go to the same party. Tim's sweating as he sits down and says she'll make someone happy someday and Sachelle wishes Tim the best. Well, that's Canada for you! We're not exciting but we are very polite.

Final Hot Seat: Tim Fields 3 Questions

Question 1 from Lisa: It's not a question, she just wants to apologize and he respects that she "owns" her behaviour. A definition: "Owning" = Admitting what everyone else made you admit.

Question 2 from Dominque: Dom asks why she didn't get a chance with Tim, and he said that someone had to get the last one-on-one. Does this mean Tim had planned a one-on-one and she left too early. We'll never know, but that's okay because she's secretly dating a model/computer repairman.

Question 3 from Kaylynn: Kaylynn asks Tim "what happened" and he says he doesn't know and maybe they should have met outside the show. I.e., no one wants to really discuss what happened.

Blippity Bloopers 

The show concludes with a failed attempt at levity. It's the usual: goofy faces, birds and bugs flying amok, falling film equipment, and a long and off-putting montage of breast adjustments by the "girls" because isn't that hiiiilarious? You can be a feminist and still watch this show but you will be tested.

Coming Up Next!

Tim's picking out a ring! Meeting the parents doesn't seem to go so well for April. And there's talk of some ambivalence for both Trisha and April. Two part finale ahead. I'll be there, hope you will too!

Hope next week's a little more exciting. Meow.