The Bachelor with Ben H. - Contestant Preview: Yes, They Really Wrote This Stuff!

I know you're all looking forward to Ben's season. I did you a favour and went through the contestant profiles posted on ABC. You're welcome! ABC asks important questions about a) favourite animals and b) anti-aging routines for women under 30.

Here's what Ben has to choose from:

From Previous Seasons:

Amber: She just had a depressing run on Bachelor in Paradise. Amber's a bartender. If she could be anyone else for just one day, she'd be a zookeeper. Cleaning cages sounds terrible to me, but to each their own.

Becca: Becca was the runner-up on Farmer Chris's season, back for more inappropriate scrutiny regarding her chastity. Becca likes dolphins because they use only 20% of their brains (note: this assertion is not supported by science).

"Hey we use all our brains!"

Brand New Contestants:

Amanda: Esthetician and mom to 2 girls. The producers had the nerve to ask, "Do you have a fear of aging and are you doing anything to prevent it." As if they'd ask this of a male contestant. Amanda is only 25 years old and is already getting Botox (Not a joke, that's what she answered).

Breanne: From Seattle. Favourite book is Why Men Love Bitches. Breanne wants to "show America that anything is possible" and "God will give you the desires of your heart." Reality to Breanne: there's is a 96% chance you'll get rejected (27 out of 28 contestants will lose).

Caila: If she were a fruit, she'd be a pomegranate. There is no right answer to the fruit question.

Twins Emily and Haley: 22-year old identical twins - just seems wrong, and they are so young, in age and in their answers to the ABC questionnaire. Emily's bucket list includes going to Six Flags and riding every ride. Haley's favourite movie is We bought a Zoo. Oh, honeys.

Adults are not the target audience

Isabel, AKA Izzy: When asked about books, Isabel says she's not a reader but she made it through 150 pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. Yup, definitely NOT a reader.

Jackie: Jackie's a gerontologist who can't do without the bible, her stuffed giraffe, floss, chocolate and running shoes. Yes, this is her list of things.

Jami: A Canadian so I'm biased to like her, but is her name pronounced jay-mee or jammmm-ee? Jami is not doing anything to prevent aging because she thinks that wrinkles show how much you've lived. Yah!

Jennifer: A small business owner who'd like to lunch with Amy Schumer. Good choice.

Jessica: An accountant who likes to watch the Transformers movie. That movie looks stupid, but okay.

Joelle/Jojo: A real estate developer who would prefer hot weather over cold "because cold can hurt, lol." LOL? Not into the gratuitous LOLing.

Jubilee: A war veteran with an exuberant name. Jubilee enjoys a Saturday night with her bed, blanket. pillow, Netflix, food and her cell. Sounds pretty good, actually.

Saturday night plan

Lace: A real estate agent whose ultimate date would be going to a sporting event to please her man. I say NOPE on this answer.

OMG THERE ARE 4 LAURENS (plus one Laura)!! 

Laura: An account executive who prefers cold weather for the boots.

Lauren LB: A fashion buyer from Oklahoma. She thinks that marriage is always putting the other person first. We'll call her: Lauren Gonna Resent Her Man

Lauren B.: A flight attendant who loves love. AKA Lauren Prepare for Landing.

Lauren H.: A kindergarten teacher who posts wedding stuff on Pinterest. Let's say she's Lauren Bride Wannabe.

Lauren R.: A math teacher who, if she could choose any three people, she'd have a lunch with Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake. Do you think if all those guys were at lunch together, they'd be paying any attention to Lauren? Bet they'd just talk to each other all night. I'll call this one Lauren Lonely at Lunch.

NON-Laurens:

Leah: An event planner who is lasering off her dove tattoos.

Maegan: Profession = "Cowgirl." She has a fear of snakes and chops off their heads with a shovel. Yikes!

Mandi: A dentist. If she could be any animal, it would be a free range chicken. Funny that the dentist chose a toothless animal.

Olivia: A news anchor who loves the movie Anchorman. Because it's about news anchors.

Rachel: Finally, a contestant that admits her occupation is "unemployed!"

Samantha: An attorney who cares about her parents' approval.

Shushanna: A mathematician who loves to cook.

Tiara: Self-described "chicken enthusiast." Things she can't live without? Her chickens. Guiltiest pleasure? Chickens. Why Ben will send her packing? You guessed it: Chickens.

What's not to love

So those are Ben's choices. I hope he sends the twins home soon. Too weird to have sisters going for the same guy, and even weirder to have twins. Who wants to date the same person as her sister. That's all levels of ewwwww!

See you in January! In the meantime, you should all be watching Married at First Sight, a show where 3 couples are fixed up and meet at the alter. They stay married for at least 6 weeks as a group of self-proclaimed (but sadistic) "experts" comment on their relationships. This process doesn't work very well but it's kind of entertaining.

Only 3 more weeks until Ben!

Samantha Steffen and Nick Peterson Break Up

Surprising no one, Samantha and Nick from Bachelor in Paradise Season 2 have broken up. They are blaming the long distance relationship for the split. Click here for more information. On her Twitter, Samantha says that grilled cheese is most likely her soulmate. Ah cheese, the lover that never lies or leaves.

Jade and Tanner (Wild Mustang/IT-Looking Guy) from Bachelor Pad 2 are still going strong.

I have strong suspicions that Kaitlyn and Shawn from Bachelorette will split soon. But first, they probably want to make some money off of endorsements. Kaitlyn's blog had a recent post about a trip destination that seemed like a thinly veiled advertorial. Most of the contestants capitalize on their fame, and I guess you can't blame them, since most don't have the most glamourous careers before the show. Both Nick and Shawn are personal trainers, and Kaitlyn teaches dance. Samantha works in her family business/charities and fashion designs on the side.

I'll post again if I hear anything about Kaitlyn and Shawn's status - they are busy enjoying their new-found fame, making a living from endorsements and appearances. Most Bachelor relationships last about 6 months total. Here's my list of who's still together, and when people split (click here).

As for happier news, Bachelor with Ben is taping toward a premiere date in January! And here are a couple of baby otters:

You otter give me a kiss on the ear

Bachelor in Paradise Season 2: The Road to the Finale, and the Last Couple(s) Standing!

Take me down to Paradise City where the peeps are sweaty and the sand is gritty (Guns and Roses, 1987)

Here we are, at the end of the Bachelor Franchise's summer intensive. I love this show, but I live in Canada. It's only hot here for, like, 6 weeks a year. I wanted to recap sooner, but the chance to sit on patios with cocktails only lasts so long before I'm buried under a snowdrift.

My world for 10 months of the year

Here are my thoughts on the final two weeks:

TO SUM IT UP

On week 5, everyone not already in a relationship gets sent home. Mass exodous requiring multiple mini-van trips to the safe-hotel. Then Chris Harrison freaks the remaining couples out by saying that if they accept a final rose, it means that they are committing to "marriage, kids, the whole thing." The show tapes over three weeks, anyone else feeling this is a bit rushed? Kirk, I'm looking at you dude.

THE LAST COUPLES STANDING

We'll start with the "winners" and end with the solo travellers.

Jade and Tanner: Let's start with the best. These two are well-matched. There was zero drama and lots of mutual respect. Jade said that Tanner is the first guy to love every part of her. Adorable. The wild mustang and the I.T. guy (that's what he looks like to me) are engaged! Too bad the proposal had to happen with Tanner drenched in sweat. Couldn't the producers spring for a shaded canopy? Prediction: Married in Mexico in summer 2015.

Ruining all Mexican engagements

Samantha and Nick: I don't buy it. Nick looks at Samantha like she's a juicy cheeseburger and Samantha stares back vacantly. Nick threw his partner under the bus on Bachelor Pad by choosing not to split the $250,000, thereby keeping it all for himself. Whatta prince. Supposedly, they're still dating, even though Samantha seemed to have waaay more chemistry with Joe. So much that the images haunt my nightmares. She's just sticking around to prove she was in it for "love." Prediction: Once everyone forgets about this show, Samantha will dump the dude. She's already keeping 3 guys hooked via texts. Options, thee remain open.

Cassandra, Justin, and Jonathan: Justin was the default date dude. He went out with everyone, even one of the parakeets, a fat crab, and Jorge's sister. Besides Justin's horrible sunburn, there was not much to remember. Oh, except he likes to "conversate." When Cassandra asked what he liked about her, Justin could only come up with: "Yous pretty lady." At least say you like her hair or eyes or extreme height. Work harder. Justin's laziness gets him dumped by Cassandra after the show and...surprise! Jonathan and Cassandra got together in Detroit (where they both live) when they met at a work gig. See, you can totally meet people to date in real life when those people are people you met on a reality show! Prediction: Cassandra and Jonathan will date a while even though they said on After Paradise that their kids fight all the time.

Fine, they're cute

THE ALMOST BUT NOT QUITES

Carly and Kirk: Carly liked Kirk more than he liked her. Kirk said at the beginning that he wanted to take it slow because he was just out of a break-up. Carly was very excited about Kirk. Kirk found her excitement endearing and went with it. Until he found the excitement to be terrifying. Disastrous pacing mismatch. They could have made it in different circumstances, as they're not a bad match. Kirk was really annoying during the break up, insisting that Carly hear his break-up speech. An obvious attempt to mollify his own conscience. Good for Carly holding her ground. I hope she forgives him, for herself - carrying around that anger can't be healthy. Prediction: Carly will write more break-up songs. Kirk will be even more gun-shy in future relationships.

Tenley and Joshua: Tenley is just so nice. She basically pulled a Kirk (last minute break-up) but she phrased it way better so she got away with it. No way she broke up with Joshua because of the long-distance. She just didn't like Joshua enough to be with him. Prediction: Tenley will be engaged within the year. Joshua will compare every other girlfriend to Tenley. Keep away from spiked coconuts, K Joshy?

Eyelashley and Jared: Jared looked morose the entire season. He had a bubble over his head saying, "Why did I do this stupid show, better suck it up, collect the paycheck and hightail it back to Rhode Island." The issue wasn't Kaitlyn, it was the fact that he's too down-to-earth for Paradise. I hope that Eyelashley learns this: If you have to work hard to impress a guy, he's not worth it because one day you'll be sitting at home in sweats eating Häagen Dazs and watching Bachelor in Paradise Season 8 and you won't want to feel insecure about it in front of your husband. Eyelashley Prediction: Her sister blames her for messing up the relationship. Jared Prediction: I find out what restaurant Jared manages in Rhode Island and I totally go there for dinner.

Just Googled it, he manages this place. Oysters, mmm.

GOING SOLO 

Ashley S.: Love her. Please, let her host her own show on Animal Planet.

Amber: No luck with either Dan or Justin. She's friends with Samantha (as per After Paradise) - huh?

Jaclyn: Couldn't get a date, but best quotes of the season. 1) On Justin choosing Cassandra over her because they're both parents: "So, like, I didn't get knocked up when I was 19. Sorry." 2) On the "key to success" on Paradise: being a single parent, talking to animals/fruits, or being a "total psychopath": "I can't tell if I'm winning or losing."

Chelsie: I'm pretty sure she was on this show.

Mikey: Will drown his sorrows in protein shakes.

Do people really drink this stuff?

Juelia: Does not belong on reality television. She has already played her "but I left my kid to find love" card twice. Needs to accept that she will have to find love it the real world. Get this woman a babysitter so she can go out once a month.

Dan: Not into the women who like him (Amber, Ashley S.) and doesn't make a move on the women he likes (Samantha, Cassandra). Dating strategy needs improvement.

Mackenzie: Her son is named Kale and maybe it should be illegal to do that to a child. She's into aliens and stuff. Help.

WHAT WE LEARNED

1. Out of 29 people on a reality dating show (yes, there were 29 cast members), 2 will get engaged. That's a 7% chance (I did the math). Civilian dating is still superior to Bachelor dating.

2. An After Paradise reality show is kind of like adding fries to a burrito. Maybe sounds good for a second before you realize, nope, not really necessary.

3. Cannibal crabs are taking over Mexico. Someone should look into this.

We're taking ovah!

4. Jorge's idea of a cocktail is putting soda with cranberry and vodka. And he has no idea about the relationships. But he better come back next year.

5. Love and drama-free couples conquer all! Yay for Janner!!!

That's all for Bachelor in Paradise Season 2. If I can muster the energy, I'll see you back here for a vanilla season with Ben Higgens as the Bachelor.

The Bachelor Season 20 premieres on January 4, 2016. 

See you in January!

Bachelor in Paradise: Weeks 3 and 4

Here are my thoughts from Weeks 3 and 4. Sorry so late, but devoting more than 4 hours to this franchise per week feels excessive!

Part of the delay is related to my AMAZING discovery: An awesome podcast about the Bachelor franchise called "Here to Make Friends." Click here for the iTunes link. Here's the description:

A HuffPost Podcast about The Bachelor, where hosts Emma Gray and Claire Fallon lovingly snark and recap the latest episodes from The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. Whether you love The Bachelor, or love to hate it, you will enjoy their witty discussion about this reality show and what it reveals about the world of dating. 

In case you prefer the blog format as written by some crazy Canadian, here are some thoughts about the couples from the past 2 weeks:

Clare and her raccoon: Paradise had nothing for Clare. Raccoon was a better catch than some (most) of these guys. Hoping for Clare to find a civilian husband because this show insists that she talks to animals. The joke is tired and Clare must be, too. Good luck, Clare!

Kirk and Carly: Carly's more into this relationship than Kirk. He's right, the pace of the relationship is ridonculous. The whole show is taped in 3 weeks. Did you know that? We're probably only at 10-14 days by this point.  I predict a short-term relationship that ends after the show.

JJ, Megan, and the girl that JJ left behind: Remember when Amy Schumer said that JJ was a "turd" who lacked charisma, humility, and a sense of humour? Turns out JJ's funny and pretty charismatic. Not so much humility, but he admits to living in mom's basement. I found out via Twitter that JJ did not end up with the woman for whom he left the show. Megan and JJ were the weirdest match ever, at least she has a souvenir sombrero.

Dan/Ashley S./Amber: So, here's the thing about Dan. The women like him more than he likes them. And his chest hair is looking funny as it grows back. Ashley S. is awesome. Ya, she's kooky when she drinks, but she's the most rational one around. I agree with everything she says, and it makes perfect sense to befriend crabs and birds in that environment. Can't trust the humans. I'm glad she got JJ's rose! Amber and Dan aren't going to last. Did you catch him talk about wanting to date Samantha?!?

Ashley S. and Nick: Doooomed relationship. Nick sometimes looks okay, sometimes looks like a smarmy Steve Buscemi.

Eyelashley and Jared: Jared's morose and has no interest in Eyelashley. He is bad at being direct, but Eyelashley seems to need the clear: "I don't like you" memo. Is she really going to try to entice Jared into a fantasy suite date? She has so much to offer, but seems to put men on this weird pedestal once she's interested in them. Eyelashley, they are guys not gods, curb your enthusiasm please.

Juelia and Mikey: Hahaha this relationship is as fake as Mexican wrestling exhibitions. Remember how Juelia recoiled when Mikey tried to kiss her in Week 2? Terrible couple.

Joe and Samantha: Their reality show lies are probably making their real lives hell. Piling on more of the same isn't really necessary at this point. Joe lied. Do you remember when Lily Taylor sang the Joe Lies song in Say Anything in the 1980s? Well, I do. Here's a clip (click here). Getting back to present times, these two really messed up on this show...because it's televised and they spoke out loud and their thoughts are mean. I don't really care about the "Who is worse" debate. Joe manipulated Juelia and says all sorts of sexist things, including calling Samantha a buck to put on his wall. Samantha denies everything when it's clear she's lying, but men still want to date her (Dan, sweaty Justin, Nick Buscemi). She looks like an evil queen from the Disney franchise.

Tenley and Joshua: I can't get over Joshua's molly in a coconut comments. Tenley seems nice. Why is she obsessed with his hand size? Not going to last.

Michael G. and his law degree: He was a good catch, but objective data such as: "nice and kind with good career" don't seem to matter. Arrival limo to reject limo in 5 minutes.

Jade and Tanner: The most likely to be exchanging vows on next year's show. They stand a chance!

Four more hours of Paradise this week, oh the humanity!

Bachelor in Paradise Week 2: Monday Night and After Paradise

Here are the top moments for Monday night's episode. This week, After Paradise was a stale tortilla. But we'll get to that later. First, to the resort! Here's your top 10:

1) Clare and Jared's tandem bungee jump was more terrifying than a solo jump. The only thing worse than bungee jumping is bungee jumping while tied to someone who is screaming in your ear. 

2) Michael G. arrives. Why does he have a G. if there is no other Michael? He's a corporate lawyer from Desiree's season. He calls Tenley an Elevenly. He was waiting months to use that line.

3) Tenley and Michael G. eat the plastic Bachelor dinner with wet feet surrounded by a huge band that's playing the same song that Kaitlyn sang to her suitors. Eating is better with dry feet in a non-claustrophobic mariachi situation.

4) Kentucky Joe: There are cameras everywhere and you just fried your rep, dude. But don't get mad at Joe for faking it with Juelia. Don't even get mad that he manipulated his "friend" Jonathan. Stay calm when Joe shares his deranged, violent thoughts. The world will get even with Joe. Waiters will be spitting in his soup for the next decade. OMG, Joe can't trust the food for the REST OF HIS LIFE.

5) Ashely S. sees all. Crystal onion ball.

"I see relationships that don't last!"

6) When a guy makes a big deal of your 8-year age difference (Clare and Jared), yup, it's over. 

7) Women, stop crying, you are all staying this week. What do they put in those drinks?

8) Rose ceremony grandstanding by Clare rubbed Jade the wrong way. Clare should just refuse to hand out a rose. As for Jade, I heard the cast is paid per episode. Nope, they're not only there for love.

9) If Kentucky Joe was so into this Samantha character, why didn't he get in touch during the off-season. You do not need to wait for Chris Harrison to introduce you personally to people you like. 

10) ROSES: Carly stays with Kirk. Jade is with Tanner. Ashley I. is with Dan. Elevenly chooses Joshua. Another rose ceremony cliffhanger. My predictions: Ashley I. chooses Jared, Juelia chooses Joe, Clare chooses Michael (or no one), and Mikey, Jonathan and JJ go home. 

After Paradise

Don't even bother watching After Paradise. I had to eat a whole bag of gummy bears to tolerate the idiocy. Chris Harrison is not in his zone. The show is too forced and not funny enough. I felt like I was stuck in molasses while ants were attacking me. In one, very sloooow hour of television these questions were answered:

Q: Do we hate Joe now?
A: Yes

Q: How much clothes can the cast bring?
A: Two suitcases each plus whatever they can make out of coconuts at the resort.

Q: Who's Samatha?
A: No clue but the footage of her kissing with Joe in the pool made me regurgitate gummy bears.

Q: Is 31 old?
A: Downright ancient. But only if you're female.

Q: Is Jonathan redeemed?
A: Yes, crying redeems you.

Q: Is it appropriate to conduct an audience poll about whether someone (Ashley S.) is crazy...while she's sitting right there.
A: As per Jenny Mollen (co-host) yes. And you can even tell the person to their face that you think they are crazy.

What's funny is that Chris Harrison and Jenny Mollen are just making themselves look bad. Ashley's straight man routine made them seem like the weird ones. Go Ashley S.!

Ya, me and the gummy bears will tune in next week.

 

Your Top 10 for Bachelor in Paradise Week 2 (Sunday Night)

Tonight was all about jockeying for roses. Your top ten for this week:

1. If you leave paradise, no one will help you with your suitcase. Adios, Lauren.

2. The fashion choices: Mikey's little ponytail, the American flag swimwear (Joe and Joshua), and for the win, Juelia's wacky headband. You seem really nice, Juelia, but maybe that was a necklace?

3. JJ's one liners killed it. If only he had brought that game at the comedy club with Amy Schumer! I especially enjoyed when he compared Joshua to a lazy carp. The best was: "A blind squirrel finds a nut every now and again." I feel that should be a Yiddish expression.

4. Bad first impression ideas from...
Josh: Talk about drinking illegally spiked coconuts and waking up in Vegas without your wallet.
Joe: Sit silently. Avoid eye contact. Ask someone out and when they try to confirm that you did it, say,"But did I?"

5. Fun facts: The cast gets blood tests prior to the show.  The men's necklaces double as microphones. The ocean possibly makes a cleaner bathroom than the actual washrooms at the resort (Ashely I.'s actions suggest this one). Joe doesn't speak spanish (mañana, NOT manata). Tenley was a princess in Tokyo's Disneyland. And, sorry Josh, Tokyo is NOT in China. 

6. The resort doubles as a Mexican zoo. The crabs! The birds! But, what did they put in the wine bottle to make Clare's raccoon paw at it like that?

7. Joe needs to pay more attention to the hidden cameras. Didn't he see Ashlee's fiasco last year? Saying Juelia is "not that smart" on national TV, ouch.

8. Juelia is waaaay too trusting for this show! I suggest eHarmony.

9. Clare didn't let Mikey kiss her and said she wanted to explore options. Ya, Mikey is not the best at reading the subtle cues.

10. Ashley is mad that Jared asked out Clare. She thinks Clare is old with dead eggs. Don't know if she's got dead eggs, but she's got your boyfriend. 

P.S., I found out via Twitter that Tenley enjoyed her kiss with JJ - soft lips, apparently. It was nice for JJ and Tenley to answer my Twitter questions! Visit me there if you are  inclined:
https://twitter.com/Bachcaps (@Bachcaps). Love him or hate him, JJ has a good sense of humour about himself.

This one's for Lauren I.!

See you tomorrow night!

Bachelor in Paradise - Week 1: Epsiode 2 & After Paradise

The guilty pleasures continue! Here are 10 thoughts about Episode 2 (Rose ceremony!) and After Paradise.

1. Tantric yoga (Clare and Mikey) is a really awful first date. The smells, the sweat. I'm gagging.

2. Ashley S. has a boooyfriend! That Dan guy seems pretty normal and cute. We still don't know why Ashley S. went to the ER. Dehydration? Parrot pecking injury? Glad they are showing more sides of her this season. She's an onion, people!

3. Jared looks like his dog just died. He just broke up with Kaitlyn and needs to be home eating ice cream from the container. Instead, he's dealing with a bunch of frantic, insecure drunk people. Not helping!

4. Tenley only kissed JJ to stay on the show. He's not complaining, but that was gross to watch.

5. Kardashley is on Jared-watch. I want to tell her: You are FINE! You just need to stop worrying what guys think of you. No guys are perfect. Look for their flaws, be skeptical. Let them win you over, rather than becoming obsessed with what they think of you. You can't "solidify" a relationship with effort, the best ones are mutual and gradual.

6. An oldie = Tenley at 31 years old? Farmer Chris was 33! He had a 21-year old on his season (Mackenzie mother of Kale). Juan Pablo was also in his 30s and had a 21-year old (Cassandra). No one called those guys old. 

7. Kardashley's sister has perfected bored-face. Girl wants to go home.

8. After Paradise is a combination of a) boring, b) super-awkward and c) cringe-worthy. It's really bad, but I can't look away! Like a soggy burrito, I keep eating but don't know why. I'll just need another activity while watching, maybe nail polish application.

9. The blonde Bachelor tweeter/blogger (Jenny Mollen) on After Paradise was incredibly rude. Maybe she doesn't realize that mean tweets make for awkward conversations. It is not okay to ask newly married, non-pregnant Lacy if she'll breastfeed as a means of commenting on her breast size. I thought that mean comments to contestants was considered bullying - but now the show has its very own bully-host!

10. Mikey's an alpha male who will jack you up and can't read the Clare cues. That said, they were so mean to him on After Paradise. Mikey looked like he was about to cry when the tweeters voted that they'd rather be in the Mexican ER than do yoga with him. Hulk sad :(((

As a final note, having a Bachelor/ette of colour is a great idea, as proposed on After Paradise. Just it can't be Jonathan. The cookie-monster from Andi's season (Marquel) would have been great.

That's all for this week! See you for the next episode.

This cat hates mean tweets

Bachelor in Paradise - Episode 1

Here are my thoughts about tonight's episode:

1. This show is still about putting monkeys in cage to see if they'll mate.

2. Eyelashley's laughcry persisting, sister's presence not helping. She calls herself Kardashley, but she'll always be Eyelashley to me.

3. Who is Kirk? I know! He's the guy who regrets "settling down" three episodes from now. Train wreck, I see you coming.

4. Was worried the parrots were going to eat the caterpillars off of Carly's face. Oh wait, those are eyebrows.

5. Don't wear foundation to the beach.

6. Tanner is the IT guy who's sarcastic while they fix your computer. "Hehe, you need an anti-virus update, it'll take awhile, hehe." Was that mean? He seems nice, maybe that was mean.

7. Hey, I thought Jared was supposed to shave for this show. Sparse as ever. But dude is popular. Ladies like the sparse.

8. Sucks to get married while Jillian sits there with a black box. Box joke played out.

9. Men like wild mustang. Wild mustang needs sunscreen.

10. I'm with Ashley-Onion - parrots are the most intriguing life forms on the resort.

The show's a great escape so far. I'm glad there's more to come!

"Dis show is silly but I looove it!"

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn: Finale, After the Final Rose, and The Art of Manipulation

Finally, we made it! Here's your recap of the Bachelorette Finale.

Did Someone Forget Their Passport?

We end up where we started, in California. Forget about travel this season. Someone lost their fanny pack with the passports and the money. Kaitlyn's family is met in Malibu. No one bothers to introduce them until it's 15 minutes into the show. Kaitlyn looks like she has a haircut and darker hair, but maybe I'm just making that up because I wish I were staring at a lovely resort rather than another boring hotel room. I want a vicarious trip and I want it NOW.

Forgot it on the plane

Kaitlyn's family (parents, step-parents, sister) meet Nick and Shawn. Kaitlyn tells her family about the "off-camera time with Nick." This season is full of TMI to the parents. Kaitlyn's mom is skeptical about Nick, but ends up crying with him and he gets a blessing for a proposal from both parents.

Shawn also gets the parental blessing and (this is big) the sister's endorsement. Kaitlyn's mom loves Shawn. "Wow, there's a MAN." She goes straight for the jugular with both guys. "Nick, you're arrogant, and Shawn, you're jealous cuz Kaitlyn had the off-camera time." Subtlety does not run in the family, at least for mom and sis. Loved how both dudes asked BOTH parents for a blessing. Props to the mamas! One question: Why did Shawn bring a jar of tomato sauce as a gift to the family?

In exchange for your daughter

Last Dates

The last dates are typical: Full of misdirection and platitudes. Nick gets the yacht, which usually means a win. Loved his hop onto the boat. That was the only thing that went okay for Nick this episode. The cracks in Nick's and Kaitlyn's relationship start to show. If you look closely, Kaitlyn looks less than enthused with Nick when he's bearing his soul. Nick's gift to Kaitlyn gets a grade of C-: A picture of the two of them with a poem written on cardboard. Nick mixes up lower-case and upper-case when he writes. I copied it down: "AND when I Look AT you I see my Future."

The inspiration for Nick's penmanship

Shawn's last date starts out awkward. Kaitlyn is sleep-deprived and acting weird. She's probably just having pre-engagement jitters, but Shawn takes it personally. Things are smoothed out in the evening when Shawn gives her a memory jar. Gift grade of B-. He's been saving stuff from all their dates and stuffed it into that jar. The jar will be so annoying to keep. You can't leave it on a shelf because it's ugly. Nothing is worse than big sentimental gifts that end up gathering dust in the closet.

Fugly on the shelf

Kaitlyn seems to care more about what Shawn thinks than what Nick thinks. She asks him if he'll watch the show. Shawn is deluded about marriage. "It'll always be fun!" Yup, tell me that when you have to watch your spouse do colonoscopy prep and drive them to the appointment the next day. Barrels of laughs all the time, this marriage thing!

He has to drink it ALL

Neil Lane Got a Facelift

Is it me, or is Neil's face a little more stretched out? He's one tanned jeweller. Both guys get to pick out blingy rings. For free. Retail value? 100K. No kidding. I love how Neil humours Nick about his dime-store Irish ring. In Neil's head: "What a piece of crap."

"Hey, that must of cost a whole 5 euros"

The Show is MEAN and I Hate it Now

The problem with this show is that the default script is incredibly cruel. Two guys pick out rings, write out proposal speeches, dress for a proposal, and bare their souls. Yet one guy gets rejected at the last minute. This is a MEAN default. The runner-up deserves a private conversation, pre-Neil Lane. The Bachelorette shouldn't have to ask for special permission to do a more humane rejection. This should be PART OF THE SHOW. Kaitlyn really messes this one up, but she's probably manipulated by the handlers who want the drama. The problem is: The basic standard script is inhumane. Bachelor producers, we're on to you, and if there's a hell, at least you'll all have each other to hang out with!

The Bachelorette is worse than the Bachelor. In Bachelor, the loser gets let go without a proposal. Way better than having your proposal rejected. There is nothing worse than the spurned proposal.

Bachelor Mansion, Poolside

They really picked a lousy location for the proposal. The Bachelor mansion still smells like whiskey and man-sweat.

When Nick gets out of the limo, my heart drops. He's obviously so into Kailtyn. At the proposal site, she lets him go on forever, and only interrupts when Nick's about to kneel down. Nick is mad about the rejection. But he stays cool (cold) and gives it to her in respectful way and tells her that she never really loved him (true, obviously). Kailtyn's crying and saying that she felt love for Nick, in the moment. Nick kills it with the line of the night: "What I felt for you was greater than a moment." BOOM!

Boom!

That kind of sums it up. Kaitlyn lives in the moment and was great at compartmentalizing her relationships. She acts in the moment, perhaps not always thinking many steps ahead. Kaitlyn said she needed all this time to know who she'd pick. But she for sure knew by the morning what she'd do. I'd argue she probably knew pre-family dates. Love him or hate him, the dude deserved a heads up pre-proposal. Nick throws the rings (Lane's and Irish cheapo ring) in the rejection limo and I can't blame him. This sucks! I'm so glad he doesn't cry.

Shawn's proposal is textbook. Nothing original. Kaitlyn is shaking and making old man laugh-sounds. They talk about honesty, which to me is a huge red flag. You shouldn't need to mention basic relationship things with a boyfriend. They should be givens. Honestly, loyalty, love, commitment should be just the stuff in the background that you don't even need to talk about. If you're talking about it, there may be issues.

No amount of chlorine can clean up this season

Shut Up, Chris Harrison.

After the Final Rose is so annoying. Shawn and Kaitlyn are glowing, and that's nice. But the awfulness of the Nick situation puts a damper on everything. And they make him the central figure of the show! Poor Nick's family (mom and baby sister included) sit in the front row, on the verge of tears. This is sad, people.

When Nick is interviewed on his own, Chris Harrison keeps probing about Nick's "pre-show relationship" with Kaitlyn. Who cares if they texted or whatever. It's over, dude. No one cares. Back off, you nosy host.

Nick wins the class award of the evening. He takes some responsibility for the Shawn situation: "We let our immaturity come out." Also, he gives Kaitlyn credit for managing the situation well. He tries to say something nice about Shawn, but Chris Harrison keeps interrupting.

Nick is really redeeming himself. In case you didn't see it, during the season, he defended Kaitlyn on Twitter when she was bullied. He also posted multiple pictures of himself without a shirt on. Well, pobody's nerfect. 

Too much (via Twitter)

Shawn and Nick are then forced to sit next to each other on a miniature sofa while Chris Harrison prods them with a stick. Both men have beards. Shawn is a bit of a sore winner: "I'm not a fake person, I tell it like it is," but he catches himself, "I'm not saying you're fake!" (to Nick).

It's like marital counselling in reverse as Chris Harrison tries to get a fight started. The men aren't biting (each other, or at the bait). Nick has better emotional control. Shawn gets points for ragging on the editing. He said that his complaints about Nick were only 3% of his comments, but "that's all they showed." Nick said he knows coming on the show would not be a popular move, and calls the move "A Chris Bukowski." Yup, that guy, he is the boomerang man.

Not this guy again

Chris Harrison makes a last attempt at getting the guys to "hug it out." Nope on that one. He gives up: "Maybe we won't hug it out, so go fight in the alley after the show."

Nick is Still Here

Nick has WAY more screen time than Shawn this episode. Nick and Kaitlyn now have to face off. Kaitlyn rolls her eyes at Nick and takes minimal responsibility for her actions. I like her, but she's kind of lost. Nick runs circles around her, and he's only using basic, normal logic. Again, he kills it with the next best line of the night when he talks about the pre-proposal: "Those words were not meant for you" - Nick's pre-proposal was meant for someone who loved him. "That moment, I won't have it back." Dude is right, yo.

Chris Harrison interrupts Nick as he's trying to wish Kaitlyn well. Chris Harrison, you are officially the devil. Let. Him. Finish.

Under the host make-up, we find this

It's okay though, because now all the animosity about Nick from Andi's season is erased, and Nick gets his dignity back. Until he posts another shirtless pic on Twitter.

Things Left Unsaid

We don't find out:
-Who's the next Bachelor?
-Are Kaitlyn or Shawn moving to be in the same city?
-What about the pic on Snapchat that Kaitlyn posted of Shawn mid-season, that people said was a spoiler?
-Who had to search in the backseat of the limo to pick up those rings?

I don't know what Snapchat is (I'm old), but Kaitlyn posted this

I wish happiness for Kaitlyn and Shawn - even though they'll probably break up after 6 months, like almost everyone else. They're excited to go to Starbucks (and Tim Hortons!) and Shawn can't wait to defend Kaitlyn publicly. I see punching of strangers in his future.

I also wish happiness for Nick. Somehow, I'm not so worried about his single status. If the guy wants a girlfriend, it really won't be that hard. He wouldn't have lasted even 3 months with Kaitlyn. My guess is that he would have been very bored with her, once the shiny newness wore off.

Bring on Paradise!

This season was so stressful. Bring on the mindless entertainment! Bachelor in Paradise looks ridiculous. Just how I like it! I may do brief recaps (or none at all). Don't forget to watch on Sunday and Monday nights. Have fun in Paradise!

See you at the beach!

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn: The Rejected Men Tell All Recap - Top 10 moments

The momentum of this season is lost. That's what happens when travel plans are limited to two countries and zero resorts. No beaches, for you Kaitlyn! I heard a rumour from Grantland.com that they had planned to go to Patagonia (South America) but the plans got messed up - for reasons unrelated to Kaitlyn. It seems like the final rose ceremony is at the Bachelor mansion. Anyone else ready for Bachelor in Paradise in Mexico??

Bachelor in Paradise Preview!

In the BiP previews, Eyelashley cries. That's all I remember. Shows will be on Sunday AND Monday, and there will be a one-hour weekly After-Show. That dose of BiP is too strong, doctor! Premiere is on August 2.

Top 10 Men Tell All Moments

1. Knee-an: Ian, now Knee-an, gets down on his knees to apologize to the men for his arrogance. He does the same with Kaitlyn but gets a leg cramp. Ian, the memory of your rude exit is fading, as this awkward apology pervades our collective consciousness. Even if this was just to save your rep, saying sorry is still appreciated.

Standing up is just fine!

2. Corey's Sour Grapes: There is always that random, bitter dude on Men Tell All. Corey (the investment banker) was sent packing early on, but his ego was bruised. He compensates with sour grapes toward Kaitlyn. Ben H. said it best. To paraphrase: You didn't get to know her that well, so how much is your opinion worth?

Sour grapes are not the most attractive

3. Nick, Nick, Niiiiick: Corey, Kupah and Jonathan are still bitter about Nick's Week 4 entrance. Kupah and Jonathan were both Britt voters. They didn't eliminate themselves, or come clean like Jared did, so the moralizing comes off as insincere. Remember how Kupah said he wanted a "trophy wife"? He's a DJ and likely wants to chase the spotlight. Wrong Reasons!

Jonathan is mad because because contestants lost their jobs and were away from their kids for this. Those who quit their jobs and/or leave their kids to be on Reality TV are advised to consider the consequences...in advance. No one knows who the Bachelor/ette will be when they apply, you can't blame the Bachelor/ette later if you don't end up liking them or vice versa.

Jonathan could have left the first night when Britt left. Sadly, there are news reports that he recently filed for bankruptcy. Job interviews are on hold as Jonathan goes to frolic on Bachelor in Paradise. His baby mama may be shaking her head right about now. BiP contestants get a salary for each day they stay on, so at least there's that.

No jobs or kids here either

3. The Silence of the Mens: Some people spoke a lot, but nary a word from the Healer Bonsai Tree Man. Kentucky Joe snorted a few times, and tried to scare Kaitlyn with a pigeon mask. He's kind of kooky, no? Loved his blooper real where he kisses Kaitlyn and then runs into the bushes for a bathroom break. He seems to make it to BiP, as he was seen in a pool wrapped around a lady.

Missing the Healer

4. Clint and JJ Were Just Good Friends: Clint and JJ had an intense friendship and break-up. But they have made it clear that they are straight. The tittering latent homophobia is getting old. I'm not their biggest fans (Jared called JJ an acquired taste), but no one deserves public questioning of their stated sexual orientation. The show feeds into this with their edits and their Clint/JJ recap. Not cool, producers!

5. Hark, Jared Shaves! Chris Harrison called it. The sparse beard wasn't working. Shaving was in Jared's Bachelor in Paradise contract. He's hung up on Kaitlyn, but BiP previews suggest there are steamy moments with Eyelashley.

It had to go

6. The Battle of the Bens: The ladies love hunky Ben Z. and boy-next-door Ben H. I vote for a battle of the Bens for Bachelor! But only if they keep Both Bens until the end. Two Bens are better than one! If it's just one, I prefer Ben H.

Battle of the Benz?

7. The Contestants Get Handlers: Ben H. referred to a handler who came in when Kaitlyn was in his and Shawn's room. It was the handler who caused Ben H. to take the infamous shower, during which Kaitlyn told Shawn he was "the one." Yes, the contestants have handlers, like horses. Or a Saint Bernard at a dog show.

Handlering

8. The Bachelor/ette Says NO to Cyber Bullies: Whoa on those hateful tweets toward Kaitlyn. How awful that she's had death threats. Sometimes I wish that the bullies' families and workplaces were privy to their true natures. If you wouldn't say it to your mom or if you'd lose your job over it, don't post it! The anonymity of the Internet allows people to channel their hate to strangers. Bad day at work? Call Kaitlyn a bad name! I looked some of these people up on Twitter, and they seem to have no insight into the fact that the tweets reflect worse on the tweeter than they do on Kaitlyn! Some of the cyberbullies are moms and dads, yet they complain about Kaitlyn being a bad role model. Being a parent is unfortunately not protective against being abusive.

It was great to see Kaitlyn get a standing ovation and support from the show. Buuuuut, the show totally manipulates contestants and goads them on, while the contestants get all the heat. Every season there are Fantasy suites and "off-camera moments" but this season, they turned it into a main storyline. It does not excuse the cyberbullying, but the producers fed into this situation.

9. Ryan has a Gopher on his Head: Remember that guy who got drunk the first night and jumped in the pool after groping Kaitlyn? He's back, with a gopher on his head. Or a toupee. Or maybe some old spaghetti.

Not the best hair

9. Amy Schumer Isn't Done: During bloopers, The comedian calls JJ Colonel Sanders. This makes me giggle but I don't even know why! JJ will be a hoot on BiP. Fun Fact: his real name is John H. Lane the Third. I didn't even make that up, check out his Facebook!

10. The Dramatic Ending You Won't Believe: I'd believe it if one guy gets sent home and the other proposes. And that's likely what will happen! Unless Kaitlyn's attacked by birds and the whole show is cancelled. Now that would be dramatic!

More dramatic than this finale will be

See you next week!

Recap on Thursday! In the Meantime, JJ Gets Beat Up.

Life has intervened once again, I'll have to post my Men Tell All recap late. This full-time job thing plus social obligations eats into my recapping time! Check back by Thursday at 3 PM.

In the meantime, did you also hear that JJ got beat up after the Men Tell All Show?!? Read all about it (click here for the article).

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn, Week 9: Home Stretch

This season is a major dramarama! Here's this week's recap:

Still Hatin'

The show starts mid-fight from last week in Enniskillen (Gaelic for And There's Killin') where Shawn confronts Nick in his hotel room calling him manipulative, arrogant and cocky. Nick tries to talk but the green monster of jealousy doesn't like interruptions. What's the point of this discussion?

Sit far from thine enemy

Donkeys of Relaxation

Kaitlyn escapes it all by having a calm date with even-keeled Ben. They ride horses named Chip and Archie and frolic through a donkey field. Then they go to a castle for the non-edible dinner and fantasy suite portion. Ben reveals he just turned 26 and Kaitlyn, at almost 30 is the older woman. I recall last season where Mackenzie (21-year old mother of Kale) was put on the show with 32-year old Farmer Chris. A 4-year difference isn't such a big deal, Ben!

This is the rule for age spreads in dating: Cut your age in half plus 7. Meaning, a 30-year old can date anyone age 22 or up (half of 30 is 15+7 = 22). Therefore, the age spread for Ben and Kaitlyn is fine, but Chris's 32-21 age spread with Mackenzie is not okay. Same rule for women and men. No double standards. It's science, ya'll.

Ben prepares himself for "the best sleepover ever." At least he acknowledges that the overnights are "extremely weird and uncomfortable." More than that, there's something obscene about this parallel dating process where you can only get off-camera time in a "fantasy suite." Somehow we all got used to this weirdness, but whoever thought it up is a maniac.

Nice digs

Ben looked cute leaving in his pyjamas. The morning-after scenes this season are meant to paint Kaitlyn as a loose lady. We know what you are doing, Producers!

Should Have Chosen "Truth"

Shawn and Kaitlyn go golfing on their date. Shawn is forced to dress like a dork. Shawn finds Kaitlyn's golf swing to be "wife" material.  I've only played mini golf, but my swing can be described as "duck now" material. Kaitlyn proposes Truth or Dare and Shawn choses Dare. Kaitlyn then asks Shawn to streak on the golf course. He's wearing long underwear which is hilarious. Maybe he gets cold easily, don't judge. The black box looks way better than that pink and blue number.

Those pants are just, nope

At non-edible dinner, there is more talk of The Other Guy. Remember how Nick sold out Shawn by telling Kaitlyn about an unsavoury night with a country singer. I won't repeat the offensive term used, but basically it means that Shawn had off-camera time with the country singer the same night another guy had off-camera time with the singer. Hmmm, not too different from what this show has each Bachelor/ette do. But no problem for this show, because the gap between fantasy suites is one whole day instead of a few hours. It all makes sense, right?!

Random thought: Do they even bother booking "individual suites" to forgo?

On his morning stroll out of Kaitlyn's room (producers drive home the point- he stayed over), Nick is on Shawn's path. There is yet ANOTHER confrontation between them in a hotel room. But maybe this is just déjà vu from before. Who cares, keep these guys in their cages. Nick is starting to look better because at least he's not foaming at the mouth like Shawn.

We Knew Ben Was a Goner

Pre-rose ceremony, Kaitlyn sits down to talk with Chris Harrison. The front panel of her dress has gone missing. Chris Harrison has great comments like, "Shawn has been jealous." Thanks for the 411, Chris, we hadn't noticed!

I'm doing my best, darnit

The obvious occurs: Nick and Shawn get roses, while Ben is sent home. Like Jared (sparse beard), Ben's a total gentleman as he's escorted to the rejection minivan. You can learn from this, Ian (Princeton grad who will be torn apart at Men Tell All).

There are news reports that Ben's the next Bachelor! Kaitlyn seemed like a rebound relationship for Ben. In the limo, he said that Kaitlyn helped him to have the love feelings again and that he'll miss her. He'll be fine, and I'm more than happy to have more Ben next season!

Fun fact: Both Nick and Ben work in software.

Random comment: I like the Irish-themed music this week.

Post-rose awkwardness

Hometowns are Now Called "Utah Family Meetups"

What happened to Hometowns? Maybe it's just a coincidence and both Nick and Shawn's families live in that Utah hotel. But what are the chances? And we saw that Nick had a family home last season. This season is cheap with the travel budget.

The first Utah Meetup is with Nick's family. They all look on the verge of tears. Nick has "runner-up" written all over him and his mom knows it. Having 20 children makes you wise. Nick compares Kaitlyn with Andi, saying Andi was a leap of faith but Kaitlyn isn't. Whatever you think of Nick, it's hard to watch him being set up for possible humiliation. If he's not chosen, I hope Kaitlyn has the decency to send him home before he proposes.

The biggest beef here is that they dragged young sister Bella back into this gong-show. She's lying on the couch in a fetal position and crying. They should have left her with a babysitter rather than have her ask the, "Do you love my brother" question again. Oy vey.

Observational note: Nick's brothers look like bizarro versions of him. I especially like the quirky nerd version in the middle. Rocking those statement socks, NerdNick!

Observational note #2: Nick's brothers also talk with their hands over their mouths.

It's genetic

Nick is 99% sure that Kaitlyn loves him. He seems really into her, but I can't tell how much of this is tied up with wanting to right the wrong of Andi's season. Nick seems more sincere in this episode.

Kaitlyn says that Nick is in his head, while she's in the moment. That just about explains it. Nick is thinking about how to snag her and Kaitlyn is impulsive. This would make for a bad marriage.

Nick: Hi sweetie, I put those steaks from Costco on the grill.
Kaitlyn: Oops, I saw a sushi shop on my walk home and stopped in to eat.
Nick: But we planned to have the steaks tonight with that bottle of red.
Kaitlyn: Hey, I love this song, let's dance!

Looking in different directions

For Shawn's Utah Family Meetup, he's thinking it'll be hard for Kaitlyn to meet TWO sisters, his dad, and an aunt. After Nick's huge family, not such a big deal. We find out that Shawn had one previous serious relationship. Kaitlyn seems more animated, as if she's trying to impress. But maybe it's just the edit. Who knows what's real anymore. I'm getting jaded, peeps.

Shawn's dad tells it like it is: "What the hell's going on?!? This is nuts!" Well said, Shawn's dad. I like Shawn's dad but I am distracted by something stuck in his nose. Get this guy a tissue!

In summary, both Shawn and Nick have told Kaitlyn they love her. The families are worried, as are us viewers. This show is just plain mean. Someone's getting hurt here. But see you next week, right?!

Next week: Men Tell All! Bachelor Announcement (hopefully)?
The week after: Finale and After the Final Rose

Bachelor in Paradise will be a relief after this heavy season. Premieres August 4!

Byeeeee!