Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Week 2: Monday Night and After Paradise

Here are the top moments for Monday night's episode. This week, After Paradise was a stale tortilla. But we'll get to that later. First, to the resort! Here's your top 10:

1) Clare and Jared's tandem bungee jump was more terrifying than a solo jump. The only thing worse than bungee jumping is bungee jumping while tied to someone who is screaming in your ear. 

2) Michael G. arrives. Why does he have a G. if there is no other Michael? He's a corporate lawyer from Desiree's season. He calls Tenley an Elevenly. He was waiting months to use that line.

3) Tenley and Michael G. eat the plastic Bachelor dinner with wet feet surrounded by a huge band that's playing the same song that Kaitlyn sang to her suitors. Eating is better with dry feet in a non-claustrophobic mariachi situation.

4) Kentucky Joe: There are cameras everywhere and you just fried your rep, dude. But don't get mad at Joe for faking it with Juelia. Don't even get mad that he manipulated his "friend" Jonathan. Stay calm when Joe shares his deranged, violent thoughts. The world will get even with Joe. Waiters will be spitting in his soup for the next decade. OMG, Joe can't trust the food for the REST OF HIS LIFE.

5) Ashely S. sees all. Crystal onion ball.

"I see relationships that don't last!"

6) When a guy makes a big deal of your 8-year age difference (Clare and Jared), yup, it's over. 

7) Women, stop crying, you are all staying this week. What do they put in those drinks?

8) Rose ceremony grandstanding by Clare rubbed Jade the wrong way. Clare should just refuse to hand out a rose. As for Jade, I heard the cast is paid per episode. Nope, they're not only there for love.

9) If Kentucky Joe was so into this Samantha character, why didn't he get in touch during the off-season. You do not need to wait for Chris Harrison to introduce you personally to people you like. 

10) ROSES: Carly stays with Kirk. Jade is with Tanner. Ashley I. is with Dan. Elevenly chooses Joshua. Another rose ceremony cliffhanger. My predictions: Ashley I. chooses Jared, Juelia chooses Joe, Clare chooses Michael (or no one), and Mikey, Jonathan and JJ go home. 

After Paradise

Don't even bother watching After Paradise. I had to eat a whole bag of gummy bears to tolerate the idiocy. Chris Harrison is not in his zone. The show is too forced and not funny enough. I felt like I was stuck in molasses while ants were attacking me. In one, very sloooow hour of television these questions were answered:

Q: Do we hate Joe now?
A: Yes

Q: How much clothes can the cast bring?
A: Two suitcases each plus whatever they can make out of coconuts at the resort.

Q: Who's Samatha?
A: No clue but the footage of her kissing with Joe in the pool made me regurgitate gummy bears.

Q: Is 31 old?
A: Downright ancient. But only if you're female.

Q: Is Jonathan redeemed?
A: Yes, crying redeems you.

Q: Is it appropriate to conduct an audience poll about whether someone (Ashley S.) is crazy...while she's sitting right there.
A: As per Jenny Mollen (co-host) yes. And you can even tell the person to their face that you think they are crazy.

What's funny is that Chris Harrison and Jenny Mollen are just making themselves look bad. Ashley's straight man routine made them seem like the weird ones. Go Ashley S.!

Ya, me and the gummy bears will tune in next week.


1 comment:

  1. I agree that the after show is awkward and not that funny/insightful. The co-host (Jenny) didn't bother me much last week, but this week she was being very pushy and butt-iny. Maybe if they had a different co-host (who was nicer), it would make the show less cringy. And yes, I like to add "y" at the end of words to make new words. Love the recaps!