The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn: Finale, After the Final Rose, and The Art of Manipulation

Finally, we made it! Here's your recap of the Bachelorette Finale.

Did Someone Forget Their Passport?

We end up where we started, in California. Forget about travel this season. Someone lost their fanny pack with the passports and the money. Kaitlyn's family is met in Malibu. No one bothers to introduce them until it's 15 minutes into the show. Kaitlyn looks like she has a haircut and darker hair, but maybe I'm just making that up because I wish I were staring at a lovely resort rather than another boring hotel room. I want a vicarious trip and I want it NOW.

Forgot it on the plane

Kaitlyn's family (parents, step-parents, sister) meet Nick and Shawn. Kaitlyn tells her family about the "off-camera time with Nick." This season is full of TMI to the parents. Kaitlyn's mom is skeptical about Nick, but ends up crying with him and he gets a blessing for a proposal from both parents.

Shawn also gets the parental blessing and (this is big) the sister's endorsement. Kaitlyn's mom loves Shawn. "Wow, there's a MAN." She goes straight for the jugular with both guys. "Nick, you're arrogant, and Shawn, you're jealous cuz Kaitlyn had the off-camera time." Subtlety does not run in the family, at least for mom and sis. Loved how both dudes asked BOTH parents for a blessing. Props to the mamas! One question: Why did Shawn bring a jar of tomato sauce as a gift to the family?

In exchange for your daughter

Last Dates

The last dates are typical: Full of misdirection and platitudes. Nick gets the yacht, which usually means a win. Loved his hop onto the boat. That was the only thing that went okay for Nick this episode. The cracks in Nick's and Kaitlyn's relationship start to show. If you look closely, Kaitlyn looks less than enthused with Nick when he's bearing his soul. Nick's gift to Kaitlyn gets a grade of C-: A picture of the two of them with a poem written on cardboard. Nick mixes up lower-case and upper-case when he writes. I copied it down: "AND when I Look AT you I see my Future."

The inspiration for Nick's penmanship

Shawn's last date starts out awkward. Kaitlyn is sleep-deprived and acting weird. She's probably just having pre-engagement jitters, but Shawn takes it personally. Things are smoothed out in the evening when Shawn gives her a memory jar. Gift grade of B-. He's been saving stuff from all their dates and stuffed it into that jar. The jar will be so annoying to keep. You can't leave it on a shelf because it's ugly. Nothing is worse than big sentimental gifts that end up gathering dust in the closet.

Fugly on the shelf

Kaitlyn seems to care more about what Shawn thinks than what Nick thinks. She asks him if he'll watch the show. Shawn is deluded about marriage. "It'll always be fun!" Yup, tell me that when you have to watch your spouse do colonoscopy prep and drive them to the appointment the next day. Barrels of laughs all the time, this marriage thing!

He has to drink it ALL

Neil Lane Got a Facelift

Is it me, or is Neil's face a little more stretched out? He's one tanned jeweller. Both guys get to pick out blingy rings. For free. Retail value? 100K. No kidding. I love how Neil humours Nick about his dime-store Irish ring. In Neil's head: "What a piece of crap."

"Hey, that must of cost a whole 5 euros"

The Show is MEAN and I Hate it Now

The problem with this show is that the default script is incredibly cruel. Two guys pick out rings, write out proposal speeches, dress for a proposal, and bare their souls. Yet one guy gets rejected at the last minute. This is a MEAN default. The runner-up deserves a private conversation, pre-Neil Lane. The Bachelorette shouldn't have to ask for special permission to do a more humane rejection. This should be PART OF THE SHOW. Kaitlyn really messes this one up, but she's probably manipulated by the handlers who want the drama. The problem is: The basic standard script is inhumane. Bachelor producers, we're on to you, and if there's a hell, at least you'll all have each other to hang out with!

The Bachelorette is worse than the Bachelor. In Bachelor, the loser gets let go without a proposal. Way better than having your proposal rejected. There is nothing worse than the spurned proposal.

Bachelor Mansion, Poolside

They really picked a lousy location for the proposal. The Bachelor mansion still smells like whiskey and man-sweat.

When Nick gets out of the limo, my heart drops. He's obviously so into Kailtyn. At the proposal site, she lets him go on forever, and only interrupts when Nick's about to kneel down. Nick is mad about the rejection. But he stays cool (cold) and gives it to her in respectful way and tells her that she never really loved him (true, obviously). Kailtyn's crying and saying that she felt love for Nick, in the moment. Nick kills it with the line of the night: "What I felt for you was greater than a moment." BOOM!

Boom!

That kind of sums it up. Kaitlyn lives in the moment and was great at compartmentalizing her relationships. She acts in the moment, perhaps not always thinking many steps ahead. Kaitlyn said she needed all this time to know who she'd pick. But she for sure knew by the morning what she'd do. I'd argue she probably knew pre-family dates. Love him or hate him, the dude deserved a heads up pre-proposal. Nick throws the rings (Lane's and Irish cheapo ring) in the rejection limo and I can't blame him. This sucks! I'm so glad he doesn't cry.

Shawn's proposal is textbook. Nothing original. Kaitlyn is shaking and making old man laugh-sounds. They talk about honesty, which to me is a huge red flag. You shouldn't need to mention basic relationship things with a boyfriend. They should be givens. Honestly, loyalty, love, commitment should be just the stuff in the background that you don't even need to talk about. If you're talking about it, there may be issues.

No amount of chlorine can clean up this season

Shut Up, Chris Harrison.

After the Final Rose is so annoying. Shawn and Kaitlyn are glowing, and that's nice. But the awfulness of the Nick situation puts a damper on everything. And they make him the central figure of the show! Poor Nick's family (mom and baby sister included) sit in the front row, on the verge of tears. This is sad, people.

When Nick is interviewed on his own, Chris Harrison keeps probing about Nick's "pre-show relationship" with Kaitlyn. Who cares if they texted or whatever. It's over, dude. No one cares. Back off, you nosy host.

Nick wins the class award of the evening. He takes some responsibility for the Shawn situation: "We let our immaturity come out." Also, he gives Kaitlyn credit for managing the situation well. He tries to say something nice about Shawn, but Chris Harrison keeps interrupting.

Nick is really redeeming himself. In case you didn't see it, during the season, he defended Kaitlyn on Twitter when she was bullied. He also posted multiple pictures of himself without a shirt on. Well, pobody's nerfect. 

Too much (via Twitter)

Shawn and Nick are then forced to sit next to each other on a miniature sofa while Chris Harrison prods them with a stick. Both men have beards. Shawn is a bit of a sore winner: "I'm not a fake person, I tell it like it is," but he catches himself, "I'm not saying you're fake!" (to Nick).

It's like marital counselling in reverse as Chris Harrison tries to get a fight started. The men aren't biting (each other, or at the bait). Nick has better emotional control. Shawn gets points for ragging on the editing. He said that his complaints about Nick were only 3% of his comments, but "that's all they showed." Nick said he knows coming on the show would not be a popular move, and calls the move "A Chris Bukowski." Yup, that guy, he is the boomerang man.

Not this guy again

Chris Harrison makes a last attempt at getting the guys to "hug it out." Nope on that one. He gives up: "Maybe we won't hug it out, so go fight in the alley after the show."

Nick is Still Here

Nick has WAY more screen time than Shawn this episode. Nick and Kaitlyn now have to face off. Kaitlyn rolls her eyes at Nick and takes minimal responsibility for her actions. I like her, but she's kind of lost. Nick runs circles around her, and he's only using basic, normal logic. Again, he kills it with the next best line of the night when he talks about the pre-proposal: "Those words were not meant for you" - Nick's pre-proposal was meant for someone who loved him. "That moment, I won't have it back." Dude is right, yo.

Chris Harrison interrupts Nick as he's trying to wish Kaitlyn well. Chris Harrison, you are officially the devil. Let. Him. Finish.

Under the host make-up, we find this

It's okay though, because now all the animosity about Nick from Andi's season is erased, and Nick gets his dignity back. Until he posts another shirtless pic on Twitter.

Things Left Unsaid

We don't find out:
-Who's the next Bachelor?
-Are Kaitlyn or Shawn moving to be in the same city?
-What about the pic on Snapchat that Kaitlyn posted of Shawn mid-season, that people said was a spoiler?
-Who had to search in the backseat of the limo to pick up those rings?

I don't know what Snapchat is (I'm old), but Kaitlyn posted this

I wish happiness for Kaitlyn and Shawn - even though they'll probably break up after 6 months, like almost everyone else. They're excited to go to Starbucks (and Tim Hortons!) and Shawn can't wait to defend Kaitlyn publicly. I see punching of strangers in his future.

I also wish happiness for Nick. Somehow, I'm not so worried about his single status. If the guy wants a girlfriend, it really won't be that hard. He wouldn't have lasted even 3 months with Kaitlyn. My guess is that he would have been very bored with her, once the shiny newness wore off.

Bring on Paradise!

This season was so stressful. Bring on the mindless entertainment! Bachelor in Paradise looks ridiculous. Just how I like it! I may do brief recaps (or none at all). Don't forget to watch on Sunday and Monday nights. Have fun in Paradise!

See you at the beach!

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn: The Rejected Men Tell All Recap - Top 10 moments

The momentum of this season is lost. That's what happens when travel plans are limited to two countries and zero resorts. No beaches, for you Kaitlyn! I heard a rumour from Grantland.com that they had planned to go to Patagonia (South America) but the plans got messed up - for reasons unrelated to Kaitlyn. It seems like the final rose ceremony is at the Bachelor mansion. Anyone else ready for Bachelor in Paradise in Mexico??

Bachelor in Paradise Preview!

In the BiP previews, Eyelashley cries. That's all I remember. Shows will be on Sunday AND Monday, and there will be a one-hour weekly After-Show. That dose of BiP is too strong, doctor! Premiere is on August 2.

Top 10 Men Tell All Moments

1. Knee-an: Ian, now Knee-an, gets down on his knees to apologize to the men for his arrogance. He does the same with Kaitlyn but gets a leg cramp. Ian, the memory of your rude exit is fading, as this awkward apology pervades our collective consciousness. Even if this was just to save your rep, saying sorry is still appreciated.

Standing up is just fine!

2. Corey's Sour Grapes: There is always that random, bitter dude on Men Tell All. Corey (the investment banker) was sent packing early on, but his ego was bruised. He compensates with sour grapes toward Kaitlyn. Ben H. said it best. To paraphrase: You didn't get to know her that well, so how much is your opinion worth?

Sour grapes are not the most attractive

3. Nick, Nick, Niiiiick: Corey, Kupah and Jonathan are still bitter about Nick's Week 4 entrance. Kupah and Jonathan were both Britt voters. They didn't eliminate themselves, or come clean like Jared did, so the moralizing comes off as insincere. Remember how Kupah said he wanted a "trophy wife"? He's a DJ and likely wants to chase the spotlight. Wrong Reasons!

Jonathan is mad because because contestants lost their jobs and were away from their kids for this. Those who quit their jobs and/or leave their kids to be on Reality TV are advised to consider the consequences...in advance. No one knows who the Bachelor/ette will be when they apply, you can't blame the Bachelor/ette later if you don't end up liking them or vice versa.

Jonathan could have left the first night when Britt left. Sadly, there are news reports that he recently filed for bankruptcy. Job interviews are on hold as Jonathan goes to frolic on Bachelor in Paradise. His baby mama may be shaking her head right about now. BiP contestants get a salary for each day they stay on, so at least there's that.

No jobs or kids here either

3. The Silence of the Mens: Some people spoke a lot, but nary a word from the Healer Bonsai Tree Man. Kentucky Joe snorted a few times, and tried to scare Kaitlyn with a pigeon mask. He's kind of kooky, no? Loved his blooper real where he kisses Kaitlyn and then runs into the bushes for a bathroom break. He seems to make it to BiP, as he was seen in a pool wrapped around a lady.

Missing the Healer

4. Clint and JJ Were Just Good Friends: Clint and JJ had an intense friendship and break-up. But they have made it clear that they are straight. The tittering latent homophobia is getting old. I'm not their biggest fans (Jared called JJ an acquired taste), but no one deserves public questioning of their stated sexual orientation. The show feeds into this with their edits and their Clint/JJ recap. Not cool, producers!

5. Hark, Jared Shaves! Chris Harrison called it. The sparse beard wasn't working. Shaving was in Jared's Bachelor in Paradise contract. He's hung up on Kaitlyn, but BiP previews suggest there are steamy moments with Eyelashley.

It had to go

6. The Battle of the Bens: The ladies love hunky Ben Z. and boy-next-door Ben H. I vote for a battle of the Bens for Bachelor! But only if they keep Both Bens until the end. Two Bens are better than one! If it's just one, I prefer Ben H.

Battle of the Benz?

7. The Contestants Get Handlers: Ben H. referred to a handler who came in when Kaitlyn was in his and Shawn's room. It was the handler who caused Ben H. to take the infamous shower, during which Kaitlyn told Shawn he was "the one." Yes, the contestants have handlers, like horses. Or a Saint Bernard at a dog show.

Handlering

8. The Bachelor/ette Says NO to Cyber Bullies: Whoa on those hateful tweets toward Kaitlyn. How awful that she's had death threats. Sometimes I wish that the bullies' families and workplaces were privy to their true natures. If you wouldn't say it to your mom or if you'd lose your job over it, don't post it! The anonymity of the Internet allows people to channel their hate to strangers. Bad day at work? Call Kaitlyn a bad name! I looked some of these people up on Twitter, and they seem to have no insight into the fact that the tweets reflect worse on the tweeter than they do on Kaitlyn! Some of the cyberbullies are moms and dads, yet they complain about Kaitlyn being a bad role model. Being a parent is unfortunately not protective against being abusive.

It was great to see Kaitlyn get a standing ovation and support from the show. Buuuuut, the show totally manipulates contestants and goads them on, while the contestants get all the heat. Every season there are Fantasy suites and "off-camera moments" but this season, they turned it into a main storyline. It does not excuse the cyberbullying, but the producers fed into this situation.

9. Ryan has a Gopher on his Head: Remember that guy who got drunk the first night and jumped in the pool after groping Kaitlyn? He's back, with a gopher on his head. Or a toupee. Or maybe some old spaghetti.

Not the best hair

9. Amy Schumer Isn't Done: During bloopers, The comedian calls JJ Colonel Sanders. This makes me giggle but I don't even know why! JJ will be a hoot on BiP. Fun Fact: his real name is John H. Lane the Third. I didn't even make that up, check out his Facebook!

10. The Dramatic Ending You Won't Believe: I'd believe it if one guy gets sent home and the other proposes. And that's likely what will happen! Unless Kaitlyn's attacked by birds and the whole show is cancelled. Now that would be dramatic!

More dramatic than this finale will be

See you next week!

Recap on Thursday! In the Meantime, JJ Gets Beat Up.

Life has intervened once again, I'll have to post my Men Tell All recap late. This full-time job thing plus social obligations eats into my recapping time! Check back by Thursday at 3 PM.

In the meantime, did you also hear that JJ got beat up after the Men Tell All Show?!? Read all about it (click here for the article).

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn, Week 9: Home Stretch

This season is a major dramarama! Here's this week's recap:

Still Hatin'

The show starts mid-fight from last week in Enniskillen (Gaelic for And There's Killin') where Shawn confronts Nick in his hotel room calling him manipulative, arrogant and cocky. Nick tries to talk but the green monster of jealousy doesn't like interruptions. What's the point of this discussion?

Sit far from thine enemy

Donkeys of Relaxation

Kaitlyn escapes it all by having a calm date with even-keeled Ben. They ride horses named Chip and Archie and frolic through a donkey field. Then they go to a castle for the non-edible dinner and fantasy suite portion. Ben reveals he just turned 26 and Kaitlyn, at almost 30 is the older woman. I recall last season where Mackenzie (21-year old mother of Kale) was put on the show with 32-year old Farmer Chris. A 4-year difference isn't such a big deal, Ben!

This is the rule for age spreads in dating: Cut your age in half plus 7. Meaning, a 30-year old can date anyone age 22 or up (half of 30 is 15+7 = 22). Therefore, the age spread for Ben and Kaitlyn is fine, but Chris's 32-21 age spread with Mackenzie is not okay. Same rule for women and men. No double standards. It's science, ya'll.

Ben prepares himself for "the best sleepover ever." At least he acknowledges that the overnights are "extremely weird and uncomfortable." More than that, there's something obscene about this parallel dating process where you can only get off-camera time in a "fantasy suite." Somehow we all got used to this weirdness, but whoever thought it up is a maniac.

Nice digs

Ben looked cute leaving in his pyjamas. The morning-after scenes this season are meant to paint Kaitlyn as a loose lady. We know what you are doing, Producers!

Should Have Chosen "Truth"

Shawn and Kaitlyn go golfing on their date. Shawn is forced to dress like a dork. Shawn finds Kaitlyn's golf swing to be "wife" material.  I've only played mini golf, but my swing can be described as "duck now" material. Kaitlyn proposes Truth or Dare and Shawn choses Dare. Kaitlyn then asks Shawn to streak on the golf course. He's wearing long underwear which is hilarious. Maybe he gets cold easily, don't judge. The black box looks way better than that pink and blue number.

Those pants are just, nope

At non-edible dinner, there is more talk of The Other Guy. Remember how Nick sold out Shawn by telling Kaitlyn about an unsavoury night with a country singer. I won't repeat the offensive term used, but basically it means that Shawn had off-camera time with the country singer the same night another guy had off-camera time with the singer. Hmmm, not too different from what this show has each Bachelor/ette do. But no problem for this show, because the gap between fantasy suites is one whole day instead of a few hours. It all makes sense, right?!

Random thought: Do they even bother booking "individual suites" to forgo?

On his morning stroll out of Kaitlyn's room (producers drive home the point- he stayed over), Nick is on Shawn's path. There is yet ANOTHER confrontation between them in a hotel room. But maybe this is just déjà vu from before. Who cares, keep these guys in their cages. Nick is starting to look better because at least he's not foaming at the mouth like Shawn.

We Knew Ben Was a Goner

Pre-rose ceremony, Kaitlyn sits down to talk with Chris Harrison. The front panel of her dress has gone missing. Chris Harrison has great comments like, "Shawn has been jealous." Thanks for the 411, Chris, we hadn't noticed!

I'm doing my best, darnit

The obvious occurs: Nick and Shawn get roses, while Ben is sent home. Like Jared (sparse beard), Ben's a total gentleman as he's escorted to the rejection minivan. You can learn from this, Ian (Princeton grad who will be torn apart at Men Tell All).

There are news reports that Ben's the next Bachelor! Kaitlyn seemed like a rebound relationship for Ben. In the limo, he said that Kaitlyn helped him to have the love feelings again and that he'll miss her. He'll be fine, and I'm more than happy to have more Ben next season!

Fun fact: Both Nick and Ben work in software.

Random comment: I like the Irish-themed music this week.

Post-rose awkwardness

Hometowns are Now Called "Utah Family Meetups"

What happened to Hometowns? Maybe it's just a coincidence and both Nick and Shawn's families live in that Utah hotel. But what are the chances? And we saw that Nick had a family home last season. This season is cheap with the travel budget.

The first Utah Meetup is with Nick's family. They all look on the verge of tears. Nick has "runner-up" written all over him and his mom knows it. Having 20 children makes you wise. Nick compares Kaitlyn with Andi, saying Andi was a leap of faith but Kaitlyn isn't. Whatever you think of Nick, it's hard to watch him being set up for possible humiliation. If he's not chosen, I hope Kaitlyn has the decency to send him home before he proposes.

The biggest beef here is that they dragged young sister Bella back into this gong-show. She's lying on the couch in a fetal position and crying. They should have left her with a babysitter rather than have her ask the, "Do you love my brother" question again. Oy vey.

Observational note: Nick's brothers look like bizarro versions of him. I especially like the quirky nerd version in the middle. Rocking those statement socks, NerdNick!

Observational note #2: Nick's brothers also talk with their hands over their mouths.

It's genetic

Nick is 99% sure that Kaitlyn loves him. He seems really into her, but I can't tell how much of this is tied up with wanting to right the wrong of Andi's season. Nick seems more sincere in this episode.

Kaitlyn says that Nick is in his head, while she's in the moment. That just about explains it. Nick is thinking about how to snag her and Kaitlyn is impulsive. This would make for a bad marriage.

Nick: Hi sweetie, I put those steaks from Costco on the grill.
Kaitlyn: Oops, I saw a sushi shop on my walk home and stopped in to eat.
Nick: But we planned to have the steaks tonight with that bottle of red.
Kaitlyn: Hey, I love this song, let's dance!

Looking in different directions

For Shawn's Utah Family Meetup, he's thinking it'll be hard for Kaitlyn to meet TWO sisters, his dad, and an aunt. After Nick's huge family, not such a big deal. We find out that Shawn had one previous serious relationship. Kaitlyn seems more animated, as if she's trying to impress. But maybe it's just the edit. Who knows what's real anymore. I'm getting jaded, peeps.

Shawn's dad tells it like it is: "What the hell's going on?!? This is nuts!" Well said, Shawn's dad. I like Shawn's dad but I am distracted by something stuck in his nose. Get this guy a tissue!

In summary, both Shawn and Nick have told Kaitlyn they love her. The families are worried, as are us viewers. This show is just plain mean. Someone's getting hurt here. But see you next week, right?!

Next week: Men Tell All! Bachelor Announcement (hopefully)?
The week after: Finale and After the Final Rose

Bachelor in Paradise will be a relief after this heavy season. Premieres August 4!

Byeeeee!

Britt and Brady Break Up, and Ben reported to be the next Bachelor!

My Week 9 recap will be a little late, my friends (Fantasy suites with Ben/Shawn, break-up with Ben, and meeting the families of Nick/Shawn). In the meantime, did you also hear that Britt and Brady broke up? 

And Ben was reported to be the next bachelor! Confirmed by a newspaper, but not yet by ABC.

I guess we'll find out more next week on Men Tell All.

Read more about the rumoured break-up here. Read the Daily News's confirmation about Ben here.

Check back late Wednesday night or on Thursday for my recap!

Long distance means it's over

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn, Week 8: Can't We Just Have Some Craic?

Hey, Bachelorette viewers, we're still in Ireland and craving some fun with our Guinness. But, alas, our heroine Kaitlyn and her suitors seem sadder than the crowd at the Auld Dubliner at last call.

The Ben Next Door

Ben and Kaitlyn's chemistry is like a clammy handshake. On their one-on-one date, Kaitlyn couldn't hide her stress over her top two. Ben rowed her in a boat, while she just sat there doing nothing. Luckily, he's got the strong arms.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!

Later, Kaitlyn asks Ben if he's ever had "off-camera time" with a woman before (that's what we're calling it now, right?). Ben seems amused. He may look clean cut but he's no choir boy. Kaitlyn says she's falling in love with Ben. But then again, she says that about all the guys.

Prediction: Ben will be third, unless Shawn and The Other One duel until the death. Ben's very Boy Next Door, totally Bachelor material. This week, he admitted vulnerability by saying that he worries he's "unloveable." He's playing his cards well to be the star for next season.

If you have good cards, why not play 'em?

Grand Concept: Date on the Lawn

For this group date with Shawn, Nick, and Kentucky Joe, the innovative idea: Hanging out on a lawn.

Producer 1: "I guess we need to plan the group date."
Producer 2: "Let's have another pint and think about it later."
Producer 1: "But the date's tomorrow!"
Producer 2: "Fine - how about they hang out on the lawn, and we leave a bunch of swords in case Shawn and The Other Guy want to duel."
Producer 1: "That sounds dramatic, sold!" (To bartender:) "Two pints, please!"

The next morning an intern removes the swords and the producers are too hung over to notice.

What could have been if not for that meddling intern

On this group date, Kentucky Joe comes on strong, and Kaitlyn makes that "I'm going to reject you face" and asks him to leave. Joe turns as cold as a frappuccino and is all, "It's been cool." Then it gets even uglier, "I'm not saying $%& to you" Eek. I liked Joe, and I'm sorry to see him leave this way. His hair-standing-up coiffe makes him look perpetually afraid, but other than that he seems pretty awesome. Guess he was too hurt to do the graceful exit thing. Kentucky awaits your return, Joe. A little leprechaun told me that Joe will be dating someone awesome in no time.

I'm still into the cold cup o' Joe

As for Shawn and The Other One, they still hate each other and Kaitlyn is stressing. Kaitlyn says: "No rose for either of you" and leaves. Then she has time with Shawn and finally comes clean that she had the intimate "off-camera time" with He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Shawn hates that Kaitlyn cannot see the evil of Voldemort.

Shawn takes a bathroom break. He returns, vowing to continue on his quest for Kaitlyn's heart. And that sentiment lasts about two seconds until....

Jared (sparse beard), Ben Next Door, Shawn, and Voldemort are all stressing as they are driven to the Rejection Room by a horse-drawn carriage of awkwardness. Shawn is now unsure that he can accept a sloppy second rose. Voldemort is stressing because he wanted more time to enchant Kailtyn.

I can't cast my spell if she's not even here, yo

Chris Harrison walks in, all cheery, "How was everyone's day?!" Response: The stares of death. Kaitlyn wants to skip the cocktail party, so they go straight to elimination. Her flashy silver sequin dress really doesn't fit the mood.

Kaitlyn calls Shawn first, but he pulls a rosus interruptus for Yet More Talking. He is sulky about Voldemort. Kaitlyn defends her right to "explore other relationships," including those with evil wizards in tight pants. Shawn accepts the rose in the end. This relationship can't last. Too much yucky stuff has gone down already.

The other two roses go to Ben and Voldemort (obviously).

Ye Be Cut, Jared

Jared is booted and leaves like a total gentleman. He does what you do when you love someone: he offers Kaitlyn his coat (awwww), wishes her luck in finding the man of her dreams (his words), and cries in the limo saying he'll miss her.

My advice to Jared: Shave for Bachelor in Paradise (he's a confirmed contestant). Also, you'll be the nicest guy on that show. Consider dating Jade (former wild mustang) or Carly (cruise ship singer), as these are your best potential matches. À bientôt!

They're waiting for you, Jared!

Wait, is There More?

Mid-episode rose ceremonies are disorienting. Guess there's a Fantasy Suite date now, whaaaa? Kaitlyn goes with Nick to a cathedral in Cork. These two are either at the pub or in places of worship. Later at the pub, they have the craic with a few paid-off locals who talk with heavy accents. Having the craic sounds bad but it just means they have fun. Sort off. This season is weird.

Nick and Kaitlyn hang out in a renovated former prison. Trapped, she is, we get the metaphor. Nick says something gross about Shawn, and Kaitlyn's all stressed again. The weather reflects the mood with thunder and pouring rain. Kaitlyn still wants more off-camera time with Nick. She pranks him by pretending the Fantasy Suite is in a prison cell. It doesn't look that bad, but a little cramped, maybe. They go somewhere else, and we get a rare picture of the dishevelled couple eating post-suite breakfast. Nick doesn't like Canadian bacon. It should be a dealbreaker but isn't.

Not so suite

Please, Just Duel Already

Later that day, after Shawn realizes he's on the cusp of sloppy second seconds, he goes to Nick's hotel room. "Your'e cocky! You're arrogant!" How is this helping? Someone needs to put Shawn in Time Out. The fight is cut off midway. TO BE CONTINUED, AGAIN, OY.

Yet Another Euphemism

Brady heads back to Nashville, while Britt stays in L.A. They will do "Long Distance" which means they'll let the relationship slowly die a death. Well, that's a boring ending.

COMING UP NEXT 

Put these people out of their misery please! Can we just skip to Bachelor in Paradise? Life was better when Kaitlyn made bad jokes and hung out with Jimmy Kimmel. Maybe we just need more Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy, help!

Pretty please?

See you next week!

Who's on Bachelor in Paradise?

My recap of Week 8 will be late this week, so in the meantime, let's talk about the Bachelor in Paradise cast! The premiere date is Sunday August 2 and there will be another episode on Monday August 3.

Women: 

Ashley S. - The one who spoke to the onion on Chris's season

Carley W. - Cruise ship singer from Chris's season who went on that awkward Love Guru date

Clare C. - Juan Pablo runner-up who had her own raccoon on Bachelor in Paradise 1

Jillian A. - The muscly one with the black box from Chris's season

Jade R. - The wild mustang from Chris's season

Ashley I. - AKA Eyelashley from Chris's season who was left alone in a desert with her enemy

Tenley M. - Runner-up on Jake's season 

Juelia K. - Widow/mom who wore headbands on Chris's season

Men:

Dan C. - He split his pants on a rodeo date on Desiree's season - I don't remember him either

Kirk D. - Final four from Ali's season, a blast from the past

Mikey T. - Really beefy guy from Desiree's season

JJ - Dad who had the bromance with Clint on Kaitlyn's season

Jonathan H. - Dad who had a loud exit, while wearing suspenders, from Kailtyn's season

Tanner T. - A guy from Kaitlyn's season who was an okay narrator, but had zero time with Kaitlyn

At least one more mystery man from Kaitlyn's season will be on, and another women will be added. I'm liking the female cast better than the male cast. There are more women than men, suggesting that a woman goes home on the first night.

A fresher format would be good. Last year's revolving door and last minute additions became tiresome. And the forced commitments at the end were ridiculous. Not more ridiculous than normal, though. 

Catch my Bachelorette recap later this week! 

The Bachelorette With Kaitlyn, Week 7: Can This Really End Well?

Here we are at week 7 and things are going downhill faster than a toboggan in a Canadian winter. Here's my analysis:

The Issue

As per Sharleen (opera singer from Juan Pablo's season), you are NOT allowed to have any off-camera time (or "off-camera time") on this show. Kaitlyn snuck out to meet Shawn and Ben H. and this was a big no-no for the producers. Then she had Fantasy Suite time with Nick, pre-Fantasy Suites. Morally, this is no big deal, but it messes with the format of the show and this makes Chris Harrison MAD.

Hulk Hate Change of Format

The producers manipulate contestants. They are not allowed to read, watch TV, communicate with anyone, leave the hotel, etc. They are definitely not allowed to hang out with each other without the mikes. The producers don't want to lose control of the contestants or risk having things happen that aren't filmed. The worst has happened! Kaitlyn broke the rules and we're in new territory.

Kaitlyn feels guilty about the rule-breaking because this led to: a) Prematurely telling Shawn that he was "the one," and b) Intimate "off-camera time" with Nick that would make the other guys go bananas. In particular, Kaitlyn knows that Shawn (one of her frontrunners) may walk if he learns about Nick.

It's Week 7 and these guys have been deprived off all contact with the normal world for a long time. It's obvious most of them aren't a great match for Kaitlyn, but they all think they are because they've been in emotional solitary confinement. Or they just want to travel on the Bachelorette's dime. Or they want to be the next Bachelor. Or all three.

How the guys feel about their iPhones on Week 7

Kaitlyn is not a natural manipulator. She wants to come clean with everyone, but she knows the risks of spilling the beans. The men pick up on her discomfort and now they're all feeling weird. No one is having any fun and this is no way to start a relationship.

Basically, this season is doomed. Unless Kaitlyn marries Nick - which she won't, because he's not really that into her - her "final" relationship will always have an ugly backstory.

Kentucky Joe vs. JJ

Kaitlyn brings two opposites on the two-on-one date. If you are on this date, you are Kaitlyn's bottom two. Kentucky Joe is pretty awesome. He can't really be falling for Kaitlyn - it's just that Kentucky's dating scene is abysmal.

No women on this map

JJ tells Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife and was found out. Um, JJ, this is a two-on-one date! You wouldn't want this guy as your military strategist. JJ has a toddler, so this means he cheated while he had a pregnant wife or a tiny baby. That's attractive! On Kaitlyn's recap blog, she said that this admission made her feel a little sick. JJ is right when he said he's his own biggest enemy. He's sent on the paddywaggon to oblivon. Now every women JJ dates will know his secret upfront and that can only help humanity. Oh, and it was announced that he's going to Bachelor in Paradise.

What does the ex-wife think about all this?

Kaitlyn tortures Kentucky Joe by prolonging the date before giving him the rose. But he gets it in the end. I'm glad to see Joe stay, but he's a goner for next week.

The Ugliest Suite in Ireland

Shawn keeps going up to Kaitlyn's hotel room. This process is not working for him. He's not just insecure because Kaitlyn said he was "the one" but continues to date others. He's insecure because he can sense she's acting weird because she has a HUGE secret (Nick). His schnoz can sense that something is off. She can't reassure him, because something is in fact off.

The nose knows

Relationship rule: If you often feel anxious around your girlfriend (or boyfriend) there's probably a reason. Trust your gut and make like pantyhose and run.

As for Kaitlyn's hotel room, it looks like it smells like cigarettes and cheap whiskey. That couch may have bedbugs.

Rose Ceremony 

The rose ceremony part begins mid-episode and ends about 30 minutes before the end of the show. Something is not right in the world.

Ben H.: His spidey sense can also tell that something is up. As all contestants are kept in the dark about everything, he assumes his feeling is related to Kaitlyn's time alone with Shawn when Ben H. was showering. I'm wondering why he chose to shower and leave those two alone! His instincts are right but he doesn't know that this is actually a Nick/Shawn Combo Disaster.

Nick: Kaitlyn knows that Nick kissed and told on Andi's Men Tell All special. She is terrified that he'll do the same and tell Shawn and the others about their "off-camera" time. But of course Nick won't because the guys are finally being a bit nicer to him, and he doesn't want an Irish wake.

Just hand me out already

Already have roses: Nick, Sparse Beard Jared, and Kentucky Joe. It's been so long, I can't even remember when Nick and Jared got those roses.

Roses go to: Ben H., Cupcake Chris, Shawn.

Going home: Big Ben Z. (no chemistry) and Tanner (he's still on this show?). Both these guys will do fine in the real world of dating. Except...it was announced that Tanner will be on Bachelor in Paradise. Ben Z. doesn't make the cut for Bachelor in Paradise because he's probably on the long list for Next Bachelor.

Don't Drive in Ireland

Nick, Shawn, Kentucky Joe, Cupcake Chris, and Cutie Ben H. are put on a Paddywagon bus to Killarney. The Paddywagon advertises that it also goes to the Dingle Peninsula, which is maybe where this season is headed. Is that a real place? I've been to Ireland and have no recollection of this Dingle location.

Guess it's real

I do vividly recall the manual-only rental cars, the left-side road driving, and the many roundabouts. Kaitlyn takes Jared in her car to Killarney. He's the most chill of all the guys which means he is emotionally strong or lives on a fluffy cloud. He's a good road trip buddy for this ride. On the way, Kaitlyn and Jared kiss the Blarney Stone in a castle which all of Ireland has already kissed. This season, like many others, needs Costco-sized Purell.

Fun fact: Shawn snores. He looks like a snorer, right?

Chris Harrison, King of the Euphemisms

Chris Harrison visits Kaitlyn in her castle hotel room. He looks serious. Kaitlyn's broken the rules and now this show is all messed up. He looks like a tired dad disciplining a teenager. Euphemisms reign on this show. It goes something like this:

Because of Kaitlyn's "off-camera time" she can't be brought to meet the families. If the men/families find out about Nick before she can "even the playing field," this can turn ugly. The other relationships must get "up to speed" by putting the 3 Fantasy Suite dates before the Hometowns. This means that 3 guys go home soon, then the 3 Fantasy Suites, then only 2 Hometowns, then Final Ceremony. This kind of sucks because the Hometowns are the best. They're also crucial for figuring out relationships, although that's less of an issue because marriages (and even 1-year relationships) are so rare on this show.

Kaitlyn can't figure a way out of the web that is weaved, so she goes for this. Also, Chris Harrison isn't really giving her a choice. It's in her contract to submit.

A Real Cliffhanger

The show's almost over but a new episode is starting. Okay, let's roll with it. Kaitlyn takes the dentist, Cupcake Chris, on a helicopter to the Cliffs of Moher. He's stoked until she dumps him right next to the cliff (no chemistry). This is a terrible dumping location. Chris isn't going anywhere, but the crew gets nervous when he cries and gets close to the cliff. The worst part: Kaitlyn hightails it out of there on the helicopter, leaving Chris stranded. I'm not worried about this guy in the long term. He has a great job and he's nice, although his teeth may blind you.

Everything will be okay, right?

The Reckoning

I'm really hoping Kaitlyn comes clean next week, because if she doesn't we'll be in this purgatory of awkward secrets forever.

Predictions:

Nick, Shawn, and Jared get Fantasy Suite Dates.
Kentucky Joe gets the Irish boot.
Ben H. is the next Bachelor.

See you next week!

This bunny thinks this season's just too much