Tuesday, 18 November 2014

The Bachelor Canada Season 2 Finale (Part 2) - The Final Rose, the RING, and After the Final Rose

It's here - the finale of The Bachelor Canada Season 2! The Canadian format is a little different. We get only 30 minutes of final mini-date and final rose, followed by 30 minutes of After the Final Rose. Here's your final Bachcap for this Season!

April Stays Put

Last episode was left with April saying she was overwhelmed and wanted to leave. This week picks up at that same moment. Tim hugs her and leaves her room. Dramatic Tahitian (or some other) drum music plays in the background. The next morning the couple gets a mini-date. They sit on the beach for a few minutes and April leaves Tim with a letter. She writes: "Sometimes the things that scare you the most will give you the biggest rewards." Personally, I have found this to be untrue. Things that scare me: a) camping in mosquito season, b) getting sunburns, c) rabies. Back to the show: April writes that she loves Tim and "after all this I want to be with you no matter what." Except if Tim picks Trisha, then she takes it all back.

Trish Tries to Lock Things Down

On their mini-date, Tim and Trish stand on a bridge where people have hung lots of locks and keys, like the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris, which is about to collapse due to the locks. Trish puts the lock on the bridge to symbolize their solid relationship and Tim throws away the key.

Blingity Bling

Neil Lane is either too snobby or too expensive for the Bachelor Canada, so the lesser known Michael Hill presents ring choices. Little known fact: this jeweller has been knighted by The New Zealand Order of Merit (as per his website and I'll generously assume that this Order is a real thing). Sir Michael offers a 2-carat ring or a 3-carat ring. Tim makes the obvious choice: Who would pick less carats, c'mon.

Sir Michael's bling

Prepping for Proposal or Dumpage

This is awful, both women think that they are Tim's choice, but Trish feels a little like a bride whose groom may not show up.  As April preps in her room there's a long focus on the label for her very pretty dress - yet another product placement. That's how they paid for this show. Along with federal and provincial tax credits - for real, they thanked tax credits at the end of the show! A therapist and a colourist were also credited.

About That Lock Thing...

Tim is smiling like a maniac when Trish approaches the adorned proposal dock overlooking the water. Since she's first, we know she's a goner but Tim's giving no hint of this. What's with his smile?

Scary smile, Tim

He starts with: "When I met you, you were really funny" and it goes downhill from there. He says his "heart is more fully somewhere else." Trish gets walked to the limo of rejection and that's a long flight back to Canada. Bet they made her fly coach.

The Proposal

April walks to Tim and tells him he has all the qualities she wanted and more she didn't even know she wanted. Tim calls her calm, which he thinks is maybe innocence hiding a shark. And, I'm concerned that he doesn't get April at all. Tim's on his knee, he asks April to marry him, and she says, "Ya, I will!" and "holy moly." She accepts the obligatory final rose. Tim is then seen with his pants rolled up (his favourite way of wearing pants) and he's sweeping April up, carrying her as he wades in the ocean.

A recap of their relationship is shown as Canadian singer Andrew Allen croons Loving You Tonight. A match is made! I thought it would be April, but I can't shake the feeling that Tim likes April WAY more than she likes him. My husband walked by midway through the show and he said, "She's not hanging around." Time will tell, I give them 6 months to a year because statistically, that's how long these relationships last.

For everyone's sake I hope it's true love and that they are happy together forever.

True love or is April making a defensive posture?

The Awkward Aftermath (After the Final Rose)

After the Final Rose begins with Trisha and host Tyler. Trish is forced to watch a recap of her time on the show and in a little box on the corner of the screen, we watch her expressive face show every emotion. She says her life now is "lonely." Tim enters and it's so awkward that Trish says, "it's a little weird, eh?" Tim says that his relationship with April "overshadowed" what he had with Trish.

Just a note about the audience here. I think they were time-warped from a 1990's informercial.

Trish asks Tim one question: When did he know that he was going to choose April? Tim completely avoids the question, saying that it was up and down with April. Very unsatisfying. We hear later that Tim fell in love with April after meeting her family, so that's probably when he decided April was the frontrunner. But he's not about to admit this incriminating Timbit. Trish is so nice about it all, calling the couple "adorable." Her beauty pageant training taught her to be a graceful first runner-up. At the end, Trish jokes, "Now I'm dying alone, thanks Tim." (Ouch). But we know she's not, Trish may need a better job but she's kind and funny. She'll be dating someone else in no time.


Now it's time for Tyler and Tim's one-on-one. Tim says that he's "hopelessly in love." Tyler makes it weird by making Tim play a word-association game to "lighten things up," like they do on In the Actor's Studio. Here are Tyler's questions and Tim's responses:

Favourite word? "Enormous" (???)
Everyone person needs... "Love" (obvious)
What kind of underwear do you wear? "A lot of the times, I don't" (TMI & probably untrue - this guy is so coiffed, he's not skipping the undies, but if true, ick)
What is your dream honeymoon destination? "Tahiti" (but you were just there!)
What do you want written on your tombstone? "Good job" (his tombstone, his choice)
First thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word bachelorette? "April" (right answer)

April comes out and Tim runs to her. Tyler doesn't know if he should give April a single or double kiss, not too smooth. April says it's hard sustaining a relationship when they don't see each other, she says it's been "difficult." April makes very little eye contact with Tim. The recap of Tim and April's time on the show makes Tim cry, but April is dry-eyed. She calls their love "very rare" and says that they have wedding plans. But I'm wondering, is she really that into Tim? I can't say I'm confident about this one lasting, but who knows. Let's hope they're both happy!

There are no announcements for another Bachelor Canada. It would be great to have a Bachelorette Canada at some point.

In the meantime, 33-year old farmer Chris Soules will be the Bachelor in January 2015. I'll be blogging, so bookmark this page or sign up for blog emails. I'm curious about what kind of woman will want to move to his Iowa farm. His dating profile reads: Must like corn and scarecrows.

Waiting till January will be hard - hibernation here I come!

I may do periodic updates if I hear news about the upcoming Bachelor season. Here's one mini update: From Bachelor in Paradise, Cody and Michelle are still together (dating) as are Lacy and Marcus (engaged). And Cody now does Skype fitness consultations - you can schedule one directly from his Twitter account. Great holiday gift for the Bachelor fan who has everything :)

Have a great November, and see you in a little bit!

Bachelor Canada Season 2 Finale: The Preview Suggests a Proposal!

The Bachelor Canada put out this preview for Part 2 of the finale tonight. Both women are still present, in their gowns, walking to the proposal mount (through a jungle of leaves).

I think Tim likes April more because:

1) She got the fantasy yacht date, while Trish got the horse picnic
2) Body language throughout the season
3) Tim was begging April to stay after the awkward meet the parents date. Why do that just to reject a person?

Tim seems to want to propose, and the preview quotes him saying, "Will you marry me."

Prediction: April & Tim with a proposal. Whether or not she accepts the proposal, I'm not sure. Maybe she would say no to a ring, but yes to dating. Your bachcap will be ready either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Enjoy tonight's episode, 8 PM on City.

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

The Bachelor Canada, Week 9: Cold Feet in the Fantasy Suite

The Bachelor Canada's in Tahiti this week for the major milestones of Fantasy Suites and Meet the Parents. First off, Tahiti is darned gorgeous. This was a one-hour travel ad. But not everything went smoothly. Let's bachcap!

Date with Trisha: Horsies and Pineapples

Tim takes Trish horseback riding through a pineapple plantation. It's lush and green, and Trish's horse is totally bonkers. Why couldn't Tim just switch horses with her. Trish and her horse keep veering off and I'm expecting a major pineapple accident. Luckily, nothing happens and they make it to their picnic area.

If this is supposed to be a metaphor for Tim's final choice, it's VERY rude

Trish loves "all the sides" of Tim, and Tim loves that Trish is bubbly, fun and confident. He finds she "has an intelligence about her" which is not exactly the same as calling someone "intelligent." To me it means, "you're not smart but you are wise in the way of children."

There is the usual talking about the rest of their lives being "one big amazing adventure." Tell me if you're still thinking like this when the grand adventure is picking up toilet paper from the pharmacy because your wife said you ran out.

To summarize, Tim and Trish have a picnic, they kiss, they have a dinner overlooking the water (gorgeous location!) and he offers the fantasy suite card. This was the first time I've ever seen a couple visibly blush before the fantasy suite. Trish accepts and off they go.

Date with April: The Yacht Means I Love You

When one woman gets to have a picnic in a pineapple patch, and the other woman gets to go on a yacht, we know who's the frontrunner. Tim admits, he wants this date to be "epic." Meaning, he likes April best.

The date you save for the one you really like

April doesn't feel "completely ready" to accept a proposal, but Tim wants her to take a "leap of faith." They leap off the edge of the yacht, they toast to "trust" (weird, right?), and none of it works. April likes/loves Tim, but she's not sure about the quick move toward a proposal. April's with the 95% of people who would not want to get engaged a few weeks after meeting the guy. She keeps playing with her hair. It's not going great, but April accepts to enter the fantasy suite because she needs to spend time with Tim. In a twist of awesomeness, the suite is ON THE YACHT. It's tight quarters down there - the bed takes up the whole room. Feels a bit claustrophobic - maybe this wasn't the best choice for their date after all.

Trish Meets the Parents: It's Good to Have Pageant Experience

Time to meet Tim's parents. Parents Peter and Marg look a bit uptight at first which is normal considering this bizarre scenario they're in. But Trish does a comedy show and makes them super-comfortable ("have you heard the one about my grandma's pot roast?"). It's like she's auditioning for Last Comic Standing. Marg takes Trish aside and has a list of questions which she calls the "interview for a lifetime" - No pressure. Trish's pageant experience comes in handy. She builds such a great rapport that when it starts to rain, she gets away with saying that Marg totally pulls off the "drowned rat" look. At the end, to the camera, Trish claims, "I nailed it!" No one could disagree with that!

Trish wows the parents with comedy and Jazz Hands (p.s., sorry my flash keeps ruining these pictures!)

April Meets the Parents: Um, Uh, Noooooo

Nope, this does not go well at all. April is feeling very ambivalent about this whole process. She feels "overwhelmed," she has "reservations," and she is not in the "head space" to meet Tim's parents. Peter and Marg begin to grill her, but April cannot answer basic questions. They ask her what she likes best about Tim, and she clams up like it's a surprise calculus exam. Poor April, she can't focus because she's so preoccupied with her concerns about the looming proposal. When she's talking to the camera, she's articulate in describing her thoughts. She feels she made a "terrible impression." This was so awkward to watch, I can't imagine how it felt to be in this situation. Horrible, awful, I feel so bad for her.

Parent Debrief 

Tim asks his parents what he should do. They answer that Trish seems more at ease and comfortable with herself, but they like that April is honest and upfront. Tim wants them to help him choose, but they won't fall into this trap. Tim asks who they imagine opening the door to, and Marg answers that it'll be a woman who loves and "puts up" with him. Yup, that sounds about right.

We Saw it Coming

Foreboding Tahitian music is playing and we know bad things are coming. Tim is summoned to April's room. She's crying  - everything has happened too quickly and she's freaking out. April feels too much pressure, there are so many "expectations!" This makes her want to pull away. Tim tries to process this with April, but the verbiage of it all just freaks her out more. She says she wants to GO HOME.


Then we get to see the credits, which I can't remember ever seeing on this show. Tim Warmels gets a credit as The Bachelor. I find it funny that there are credits for the "Senior Date Producers."

There are no previews for next week. Does April really go home? She's the frontrunner (as evidenced by the yacht). If she goes home, does Tim choose no one? Or does he possibly pull a Desiree and pick his second choice (remember when Brooks left and she was like, "Okay, Chris, I pick you!")? Or maybe Trish is really the frontrunner and the yacht was a misdirect (I don't think so, but it's possible).

"Hmmm, I think I need to sleep on it to figure this out (woof!)"

See you next week for the SHOCKING finale!

Saturday, 8 November 2014

The Bachelor by the Numbers: Your Stats for Relationships and Marriages on this Kooky Show

The Bachelor tries to sell you a product. Inside the pretty box: True love! Proposal! Huge ring! Marriage! Kids! And being in love foreeeevvvver! But how many Bachelor relationships actually survive? Here are your stats (courtesy of Wikipedia)! I'm not counting The Bachelorette or franchises outside the U.S. for these stats. We'll save that one for another day. Here's the math:

First of All, the Bachelor Probably Won't Pick You

Usually, there are around 25 contestants. Out of these, only one can be chosen (unless we get a season of sister wives, but that hasn't happened yet). Therefore, a female contestant's chances of getting The Final Rose is approximately 1/25, which translates to a 4% chance. Minuscule, right?

This kitten thinks that these contestants deserve better

This is a pretty lousy chance at falling in love. In the real world, that's like having to date 25 different men before finding a committed boyfriend. That's a different guy every 2 weeks for a year. Exhausting!

Here's your present: a 4% chance of a boyfriend (and a 96% chance of crying in a limo)

Proposals and Marriages

Almost all Bachelors give out a Final Rose (17/18, or 94%). Only Brad Womack had a season where he rejected all. He was given another chance but of course that flopped too. If a contestant gets a Final Rose, what happens next? There's a 59% chance that the Bachelor will propose (10 out of 17 Bachelors proposed; the other 7 "took a chance at a relationship").

There's only an 11% chance that the Bachelor will get married (2 out of 18 Bachelors got hitched). Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa, but later chose to be with runner-up Molly. It's debatable if this one counts, but I'm feeling generous (without Jason/Molly the marriage rate is 6%!) Jason and Molly have been together for almost 6 years and have two kids. Sean and Catherine are married and have been together for almost 2 years. A total of 89% of Bachelor couples never get married!  Chris Harrison, stop looking so smug at The Final Rose show - you know a wedding is unlikely.

Eight out of 10 Bachelors who proposed never got married. Did the women have to return the Neil Lane ring? I bet they did.

Going back to the store

How Long Do Bachelor Relationships Last?

The answer: Not long. Like, really, really NOT LONG. I've seen inch-worms that were longer than these relationships. Most commonly, if a match is made, the couples break up within a year (76%!!!). There is a small chance that they'll date for a few years before breaking up (11%).

Here's your break-down. Out of 18 seasons:

6% (1 contestant) didn't manage to make a match (Brad)

17% (3 couples) broke up after a few weeks (Bon/Estella; Jesse/Jessica; Travis/Sarah)

44% (8 couples) broke up after a few months (Alex/Amanda; Aaron/Helene; Andrew/Jen; Lorenzo/Jennifer; Andrew/Tessa; Matt/Shayne; Jake/Vienna; Brad/Emily)

11% (2 couples) broke up within a year (Ben/Courtney; Juan Pablo/Nikki)

11% (2 couples) broke up within 5 years (Bryan/Mary; Charlie/Sarah)

11% (2 couples) are married (Jason/Molly; Sean/Catherine) - No divorces yet!
76% of Bachelor couples don't even date for a year!

A Warning to All Prospective Contestants: Let's say you make it through the producer interviews, and yay, you're on the show! You have a LESS THAN 1% CHANCE of actually getting married to the Bachelor. (This is the math: out of the 4% who get a final rose, only 11% get married, so your total chance at marriage = 0.44%). Doesn't sound like such a good idea to quit your job for a chance at love! 

This monkey thinks that <1% is not a good chance at finding love (he found his wife by getting set up by a friend)

Despite the stats, I still think this show is so much fun to watch! See you next week for another recap of Bachelor Canada.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

The Bachelor Canada Week 8: The Women Tell All - The "For the Right Reasons" Tribunal

Nothing is more tedious than a Women Tell All episode. Luckily, I watched this thing for you. Save yourself the misery and read the recap instead. You're welcome. Let's bachcap!

South of the Border Comparisons

The Bachelor Canada seems to have the same set and hyped-up audience as the American version. Did they film this in L.A. or is it that easy to recreate a set? Maybe they are just using a green screen and old Bachelor footage to save money. Tyler the host is back but he can't quite muster the charisma of Chris Harrison. At least we know now that the Mexican sharks didn't eat him.

There are less women than usual, only 12. I appreciate that we can just forget about the whachamacolit people who left super early. Like the U.S. version, there are hot seats and nasty comments, but maybe more ownership of one's actions? Debatable. Oh, and even though this show is called the WOMEN tell all, no one (contestant or host) says "women" because of course they are GIRLS. Be you 23 or 42, you're a girl and OMG this is so offensive to me.

"Whoa, are you telling me that "woman" doesn't mean 50 or older?"

Hot Seat #1: Kaylynn (No Crying)

First, we get to see a montage of Kaylynn's most humiliating moments on the show. Basically, clips of crying and kissing. She is attacked by youngest contestant Rileigh who articulately explains how Kaylynn makes her feel "ewchhh" if there were words for that sound. Tyler admits that it's not normal to have to watch all your worst moments in a TV montage, and Kaylynn admits it's all very embarrassing. She doesn't cry or kiss anyone and is thus redeemed.

Interlude: Bam!

For comic relief, April Burlesque gets her own quirky montage where she talks about her life dreams. You know, the usual stuff, like meeting Quentin Tarantino and becoming mayor. She has a catchphrase of "Bam!" which she has blatantly stolen from chef Emiril Lagasse.

Works for chefs and burlesque dancers alike

Hot Seat #2: Natalie Stirs the Pot

Yet another montage, this time of Natalie's journey. I saw the show already, producers - I don't need an end of chapter review and quiz to remember the details.

Natalie says she only came back to the show to "stir the pot and cause drama." All the other women freak out and attack. Dominique, who has the confusing and unlikely profession of "Reception & IT/Model" calls the move "selfish." Natalie doesn't seem to mind the attacks because she "had the best of intentions." But, what? Never mind.

Hot Seat #3: Lisa Repents 

We are subjected to yet another montage, this time of Lisa, who Trisha hath dubbed the "wiry, fiery devil." Lisa is hated by the other women for saying mean things to the camera and for having made out with an Italian bartender on the only outing ever allowed in Bachelor history. Lisa has some fine excuses. Here they are in case you need to use them for a situation in your own life:

"I'll blame that one on the liquor."
"I'm human, I can be nasty."
"I had a lot to drink"
"I don't know what happened."

Feel free to use any of these excuses for: a) forgetting someone's birthday, b) being late for work, or c) saying something rude to your mother-in-law.

Since Lisa can't (or won't) remember The Night of the Italian Bartender, Sachelle gives her version: All the women were dancing and, oops, Lisa is lip-locked with an Italian bartender. Lisa is pulled away, returns to her Romeo, and later celebrates her achievement loudly on the streets of Tuscany. I would have preferred Lisa's own recounting of the story (and a picture of the bartender) but alas we just get Lisa's apology and that's all she wrote.

Hot Seat #4: Sachelle, the Canadian Stereotype 

Sachelle says she felt very comfortable with Tim and was shocked to be sent home. Tim comes on set and his tie totally matches her dress, like they are dressing up to go to the same party. Tim's sweating as he sits down and says she'll make someone happy someday and Sachelle wishes Tim the best. Well, that's Canada for you! We're not exciting but we are very polite.

Final Hot Seat: Tim Fields 3 Questions

Question 1 from Lisa: It's not a question, she just wants to apologize and he respects that she "owns" her behaviour. A definition: "Owning" = Admitting what everyone else made you admit.

Question 2 from Dominque: Dom asks why she didn't get a chance with Tim, and he said that someone had to get the last one-on-one. Does this mean Tim had planned a one-on-one and she left too early. We'll never know, but that's okay because she's secretly dating a model/computer repairman.

Question 3 from Kaylynn: Kaylynn asks Tim "what happened" and he says he doesn't know and maybe they should have met outside the show. I.e., no one wants to really discuss what happened.

Blippity Bloopers 

The show concludes with a failed attempt at levity. It's the usual: goofy faces, birds and bugs flying amok, falling film equipment, and a long and off-putting montage of breast adjustments by the "girls" because isn't that hiiiilarious? You can be a feminist and still watch this show but you will be tested.

Coming Up Next!

Tim's picking out a ring! Meeting the parents doesn't seem to go so well for April. And there's talk of some ambivalence for both Trisha and April. Two part finale ahead. I'll be there, hope you will too!

Hope next week's a little more exciting. Meow.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada - Season 2, Week 7: Hometowns, Eh?

Hometowns are the best. Meeting the families always offers a new perspective. Unless you're dumped before that can even happen. More on that later. Let's bachcap!

The Most Canadian Date Ever

The first hometown goes to Trisha in Edmonton, Alberta. Tim and Trisha don their hometown hockey jerseys. It's the Oilers vs. the Leafs as they head to the hockey rink for the most stereotypically Canadian date of all time. Luckily, Tim is great at skating and he shows this off to Trisha's delight.

"Let me hold your mitt, m'lady"

Outside the rink, Trisha wants to say she loves Tim, but she's hesitating so they must kiss the awkwardness away. And it's off to meet her family! Trisha introduces Tim to her grandparents, parents, brother, and best friend. She says she hopes that Tim likes oddballs. Kooky carnival music plays the entire time her family's on camera. One question: why is her grandfather wearing this anime samurai shirt:

Not exactly an expected grandparent outfit

They sit around a long table and a quirky time is had by all. Trisha's tiny mom notices that her daughter has "big feelings" for Tim. They all seem okay with Tim and he seems okay with them. When it's time to go, Trisha tells Tim that she's falling for him...and he answers: "I fell for you a long time ago." Whoaaaa! Rare reciprocation by a Bachelor. That never happens on this show. Tim and Trish share a humungo kiss. And scene.

Carry-Ons and Coffee Because I'm Falling Asleep

Sachelle and Tim meet up in Toronto to take a plane to Sudbury. This season is breaking all sorts of rules. I don't think I've ever seen co-travelling to a hometown. It gets weirder: the plane is grounded due to fog, so Tim and Sachelle end up having to walk around Toronto doing nothing for most of the day. You have to wonder why someone from production couldn't at least help with their carry-on luggage. They have to trek with the luggage through a park, then they sit on a bench having coffee. Most. Boring. Date. Ever. Finally, they get back to the airport and head to Sudbury.

Sachelle introduces Tim to her parents, her sister + sister's fiancé, and her overprotective brother. Her brother has already decided to give Tim a hard time. The brother has a full, lush beard and that totally intimidates Tim's relatively sparse stubble.

"My beard will dominate your stubble"

Sachelle's dad and brother don't buy into this whole concept, and statistics support their judgement on that one. The Bachelor (US/Canada) has a 1/18 track record for marriages (approximately - I'm too lazy to look this up tonight), and that's if Sean and Catherine can make it work. Judgement aside, the brother scares the bejeezus out of Tim, calling himself the Bad Cop (to the dad's Good Cop), and warning Tim, "DON'T hurt my sis." Sachelle is the golden girl of the family and he's in full protection mode. At the end, the brother says he decided not to hit Tim, so maybe that's a good sign? The bad sign comes when Sachelle says, "I love you" and Tim replies, "I hope so." He was talking really low, but I think that's what he said. Ouch. To the camera, Tim says he could imagine Sachelle as a mom and we know that means he's imagining her wearing a housecoat and hair rollers.

Yaya or No no?

April's hometown is in Wasaga Beach, Ontario. Never heard of it, but it seems like a nice place. She's been holding back with Tim because she had a rough family life. I'm impressed that she waits until hometowns to tell him. That pacing is more normal than letting it all hang out on the first date. April was raised by her Yaya and Opa (grandparents) so they go to the restaurant that Yaya and Opa used to own. In attendance: Yaya, Opa, a talkative aunt, and two girlfriends who are given zero airtime.

This family is really into evaluating Tim's "physique." His aunt says she falls for character, instead. Fair enough, Aunty. Then 89-year old Yaya (subtitled because that's what you get if you have an accent on this show) says: "You are very muscular, you like to do gym - I can see through you." Yikes. Everyone is so uncomfortable and Tim is sweating bullets. But a minute later she's saying: "You are very wonderful young man with lots of qualities inside you." Yay (huh)!

What happened to turn Yaya from No-No to Ya-Ya? All of a sudden she can see the "quality things" in his heart. Yaya has x-ray vision like Superman. Predictably, she ends by professing her love to Tim in German.

Compliment or x-ray vision?

April ends the date by telling Tim that she's falling for him. To the camera, Tim reveals he's falling "so hard" for her too. This couple is going strong.

The Italian Chickens Come Home to Roost

Tim travels to Calgary to meet Lisa. He greets her with a hug, no kiss. She decided to wear green nail polish for the date, making me even more sure that she'll be dressing up like Poison Ivy from Batman for Halloween. Tim gives Lisa one last chance to come clean re: the Italian bartender make-out session in Tuscany. He's heard conflicting reports from the other women and he asks for the Whole Story. Lisa says that she already told him "100%". Because Tim was not born yesterday, he says he can't meet her family in good faith and summarilly dumps her.

The classic "you've caught me" face

Lisa's this season's villain, so there are likely many cheering viewers at home (although she does have some fans). Lisa's interpretation is that Tim listened too much to the other women who saw her as a threat. Not hearing much remorse or responsibility here. As Tim leaves, Lisa says, "I knew it...I'm done." She just sort of smiles. Tim walks away and doesn't look back, and we won't either! The moral of the story: If you meet a hot bartender in Italy, stay in Italy. Ciao, Lisa.

Two to Tahiti

Tim decides that he has two strong connections so there are only two roses this week. The women are scared but pleased that Lisa's still in Calgary sending international text messages to the Italian bartender.

Two out of three of these dresses mean BUSINESS

Trisha is in full pageant gear with serious platform silver stilettos. April goes for a plunging neckline. Sachelle's cute but demure dress is the only one I'd ever wear, but it screams third place. Tim calls April first and Trisha second. Alas, Sachelle the seashell is thrown back to the sea.

The women tell Sachelle they love her. So much love this week! Then Tim and Sachelle share a teary goodbye. She goes into a limo and says she's sad to lose a future with Tim and have to start back at "square one." But it's not square one because she was pretty solid on the show and this is probably great dating PR. She's a good catch and, if her brother lets it happen, I'm sure she'll find love within the next year.

Coming Up Next

Tahiti!! What? The locations are pretty good this season considering it's a Canadian show. Next week is Women Tell All (Tyler the host is alive and still on the show?!?). I can't wait to hear them dish about Lisa's bartender encounter because that's how exciting my life is. I'm even more excited to see Tahiti! But we'll have to wait for that one.

Happy Halloween and see you next week!

Yaya would totally approve of this costume of qualities

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada - Season 2, Week 6: Pasta, Wine, and a Big Fat Lie

Welcome to Week 6 of The Bachelor Canada! This week in Tuscany was intense. It should have been all pasta and Sangiovese wine, but instead someone had a drunken make-out session. Yup, someone is here for The Wrong Reasons! But more on that later. Tyler the host is still missing. Could you imagine if Chris Harrison just disappeared midseason? Bachelor Nation would be rioting. Here's your recap:

Free Jewelry and an Accordion. 

Trisha gets the first one-on-one date with Tim ("Lets make the night sparkle") - a classic Tuscan date with a romantic dinner, gift, and walk around the city. It's the kind of date everyone wants for their honeymoon. The only thing that could make it more romantic would be this:

Now this is romance

She's obviously smitten and Tim says she brings out his silly side. Tim admits he's worried about getting to the end and getting rejected. That could happen, so good on him for being realistic. After dinner, Tim offers Trisha earrings and a matchy-match necklace with diamonds (or possibly cubic zirconias but we'll never find out). Trish's response: "Are you messing with me?" Alas, he is not messing and she keeps the jewelry which looks okay yet a bit like something you could buy at Sears, but it's free so whatever. Then they dance in a public square to the music of an accordion.

Trisha has no poker face

Trisha says that this date is like a movie, but better because it's real. And I feel a bit bad for her because this date was entirely conceived by producers who also picked out the jewelry as a product placement, and her boyfriend is dating four other people. But besides all that, it's totally real! In any case, they seem to get along and Tim says it was the most romantic date of his life. Awwwww.

Picture Perfecto (Except for the Part Where I Cheated on You)

The date card arrives: "A picture perfect date awaits." Invitees are Kaylynn, April, and Lisa. The women know that Tim hates bullies, yet Lisa is a bully and it's making them all bananas. Lisa isn't winning feminism points by saying on camera that her rivals are "the epitome of why I don't like females." Misogyny is kind of a molto grande (ginormous) red flag. Good luck to whoever ends up as Lisa's mother-in-law or daughter, because she does NOT like the females.

Flash forward to the next morning and all the women are in a room looking superbly uncomfortable. Turns out that they all went to a pub the night before and Lisa made out with a guy! OMG, this is so shocking because - they are allowed to go out to a pub?!? I thought that contestants were forbidden from leaving the hotel! What a revelation. The make-out is a bit less shocking. My husband can't understand why Tim can kiss everyone and Lisa can't. I tried to explain the Bachelor Code to him but we all know it's not logical, just the RULES AND THEY MUST OBEY. And Lisa's a redhead so bad behaviour is expected. This is totally going to be Lisa's Halloween costume:

Lisa would love this Poison Ivy look from Batman & Robin

Where were we? Oh yes, huge betrayal. The women decide to stay quiet (for now). The group outing happens as planned. Sachelle's blunt take: "Brockman's the only normal one on that date." This is what the date involves: Tim wears a huge diaper and eats an apple while the women paint him in an alley. The contestant who paints the best picture of Tim wins extra time with him. No one is that good at painting, but Lisa's the only one who knows not to make a cartoon so she wins.

"Drunk and Diapered" by April Brockman

Kaylynn has been crying for most of the episode and neither she nor April feel that it's fair for Lisa to get the reward of a date. Tim and Lisa go to a rooftop for dinner and she's squirming. Lisa's doing all the classic liar moves: fidgeting, giggling at weird moments, and touching her nose (yes, this is a common sign of lying - after I learned about the nose touching I can't help but notice when people do this). She's also saying things like, "I'm such a bad liar" thus proving her own point.

I saw this TED talk that said that liars always do this smile thing - the "I'm getting away with it" face. Lisa's totally making that face.

Tim looks a bit pukey, maybe he has a clue? After dinner, they sit on a bench and she gives what is likely a very diluted version of truth: She was at the pub, the bartender gave her a two-cheek kiss and then kissed her on the mouth. Tim says it's a shock but hugs her. Thankfully for Lisa he does not ask any follow-up questions which is just ridiculous.

Pizza di Seashell

Because we only have an hour for these episodes there's no time to reflect and here we are on Sachelle's one-on-one "slice of heaven" date. Tim and Sachelle go to the Buitoni test kitchen and an Italian chef shows them how to make pizza. The chef has a strong accent and they subtitle him which I always find a bit offensive. That poor chef thought he was totally killing it in English but, nope, not good enough for the Bachelor diction snobs. We didn't need subtitles to understand: here's flour and toppings now make a pizza. It kind of feels like an activity you would do with toddlers. So they make the pizza and go outside and Sachelle feels a weight on her shoulders. She hasn't been able to sleep thinking about Lisa's betrayal. Sachelle tells Tim a very different story than Lisa did: As per Sachelle, the women saw Lisa making out in the bar, tried to pull her away, but Lisa went back to keep kissing the random guy. Again, Tim misses the opportunity to get more details and just frowns. We don't get to see what happened at the end of the pizza date because WE'RE ON A SCHEDULE PEOPLE.

This situation totally reminds me of this time in college where we used to hang out with this girl who had a moustache. All of us were like, we have to tell her to bleach that moustache! But no one wanted to because that kind of honesty could kill a friendship. The person who would tell her would thus become the Moustache Martyr: she who sacrifices a relationship by revealing an uncomfortable truth.

The question: how does Lisa get away with these shenanigans?

Sachelle (Moustache Martyr) goes out on a limb, but we all know this could backfire. She says she's falling for Tim, but this kind of truth-move is always risky. He could feel she's gossiping, or tattling, or too concerned about his other relationships. This kind of discussion also puts a general damper on the date. Tim says he appreciates it, but now he's all "conflicted" and "distraught."

Hello Italy, Goodbye Good Judgement

Tim says that he's going with his gut. His gut has no clue. Roses go to Trisha, Sachelle, and April. Then there's a pause. Tim asks to speak to Lisa who lies a bit more and says "sorry." Kaylynn has been crying continuously which is not helping her so the final rose goes to....Lisa?!? WHAT??? Kaylynn says she feels anger, sadness, cheated, and broken. But she seemed more upset when Lisa was bullying her, and she's finally put out of her misery (she cried every single episode, multiple times). She needs someone who likes her a bit more than she likes them so she doesn't have to worry so much!

The real question: how far is Lisa going to get on this show? I'm kind of curious to see her family. Are they just a huge biker clan of evil redheads?

See you next week for hometowns!

Saturday, 18 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada, Week 5: Roller Coasters and Revolving Doors

Welcome to Week 5 of Bachelor Canada. Someone send out a Missing Persons report, Tyler the host has disappeared. It's like when North Korean leader Kim Jung-un went missing, except it's not the same at all and no one seems to care. But maybe Tim Warmels does care: he doesn't get to debrief with anyone and no one is there to announce his last rose of the ceremony. How does he handle it?!

Random thought, I wonder if Tyler ever met Chris Harrison in the Bachelor Underworld. I bet they had drinks in Chris's fiery den while rejected contestants were forced to serve the hosts hors d'oeuvres. Aaaaand...here's your recap!

Back in Toronto

Isn't it weird how Toronto is pronounced "Toronno?" This is where Tim Warmels lives and rides his motorcycle which cannot be confused with what Pulp Fiction would call a "chopper." Tim's Toronto look still has stubble - hopefully he'll shave when he proposes.

From Ocean Sharks to Pool Sharks

April gets the only one-on-one date with the awkward title of: "Let's hit the road so I can show you my world." Who thought up that gem? Tim picks her up on his motorcycle-not-chopper. I would be way less scared of swimming with sharks than going on that teeny motorcycle. But I'd be more scared of the death swing that Tim and Lisa went on. Have some free time? Make your own Bachelor Fear-Hierarchy!

Tim talks about spending 90 hours a week at the office and showering at work. April talks about her 7-year relationship that ended in betrayal. Tim seems smitten with her. Does anyone remember the first week when April said she was a lot of work but "worth it"? Someone should show Tim that footage. They go to the "The Raq" where they play pool. April is good at pool. She proposes a bet that Tim accepts: If she wins, she rides his motorcycle, but if Tim wins he gets a kiss. Predictably, he wins and gets the kiss. But how great would it have been if April won, drove Tim's motorcycle, and sent him off with a handshake? See ya, sucka!

Next time, don't let him win

Roller Coaster = Tired Bachelor Metaphor

Kaylynn, Lisa, Sachelle, and Trisha get invited to the Canada's Wonderland amusement park. Dominique is upset to be excluded and sees it as a bad sign. More on that later. It's nighttime, and the amusement park is closed down so the outing is private. I'm wondering if the rides are run by a carnie who looks like this:

"Wanna ride the teacups?"

Tim calls himself an "adrenaline junkie." This is never a good sign in a boyfriend. Someone who needs constant excitement will be reluctant to empty the dishwasher. Everyone on the date seems into it and they all go on a roller coaster together. Trisha is the most scared of rides and is concerned she will "charf" which I looked up and it means what it sounds like.

Trisha may not have won many pageants, but she wins for best facial expressions.

Lisa is in her usual mode, saying that the other girls are soooo dramatic and she's obviously the cool one. They go to have a hot rod race and Lisa is sure she'll win. Kaylynn does not know how to drive and reveals that Lisa "terrifies" her.

This picture was taken after Lisa ran over a squirrel

Somehow, Kaylynn manages to run Lisa off the track and wins the race! The other women get stuck in a diner eating fried dough and cotton candy (not so bad if you think about it), while Kaylynn kisses Tim in a fake drive-in car outside, where everyone can see. When Kaylynn returns, Lisa goes on the attack. Kaylynn could have won this one by staying cool and being unapologetic (remember Courtney from Ben's Bachelor season?). Or she could have stuffed that doughy pie in Lisa's face. Instead, the expected occurs and the conflict ends with Kaylynn crying in the bathroom.

I'm left wondering why the women are mad at Kaylynn, while Tim gets a pass. It's like when the husband cheats and the wife is only mad at the other woman. Really? In 2014? The women's relationships are supposedly with Tim not Kaylynn, so he should be the target of the angryfeels. But of course, that's too threatening to their security so the anger gets displaced. Sigh, this show is stuck in the 1950s like that diner.

One Return, One Loss and Tim Breaks Even

There's a revolving door at the hotel. First, Natalie the French teacher returns to get closure. She dyed her hair darker and looks more confident. She goes to Tim's hotel room and says she regrets leaving. Tim says he needs time to process her return.

But tell us how you really feel about Natalie's return

Another knock on Tim's hotel room door: Dominique, disappointed by her lack of one-on-one time, tells Tim that she's leaving. Was a date planned and Dominique left too soon? We'll never know. He noted regretting not giving her enough time. She seemed like a good prospect and it's his loss. Without naming names, she tells him to "be careful" about the women that are left. If he can't figure this out, I feel sorry for him. Even Dora the Explorer could easily solve this riddle.

Anyone else annoyed by all the Rimmel London ads? Enough with those pouty looks and that "on your lips" song. "On your lips! On your lips!" On my nerves.

Another Cold Weather Rose Ceremony

Since our host was kidnapped in Mexico, Tim's on his own for the rose ceremony. April already has a rose from her date. The other roses go to Trisha who didn't charf, Sachelle who may be in the friend zone, Kaylynn who cries instead of throwing dessert, and Lisa who overuses the expression "throw up in my mouth." Natalie gets the rejection closure she needed. She's not crying in the limo because it's just a 5-minute drive back to her place. She spends the rest of the evening making an eHarmony profile.

Potential Tim Wives

They Leave Out the Best Stuff

After watching the show, I went to read the Bachelor Canada blogs (I decided to stay in my pyjamas today). The editors must have cut some of the best footage. In April's blog, she said that she met Tim's best friend and his fiancée on their date. We also learn that Lisa drank WAY too much at the rose ceremony and ended up drunk and under the coffee table. She mentions that she blacked out and annoyed everyone. The other women refer to her yelling at Tim. She's so lucky this stuff didn't air. If she were on the American Bachelor, Chris Harrison would have been all over it! What else are you hiding from us, Bachelor Canada?

If you want to read the Bachelor Canada blogs click here.

Next Week

Tuscany! This show has a better budget than last season.

See you next week.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

They changed the night on me!

OMG, I thought this show aired on Thursdays! Recap will be up sometime this weekend. I'm glad they're out of the resort so I don't have to see Tim in rolled up khakis and open shirts. Not what this lady likes. See you this weekend!

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Bachelor Canada Season 2, Episode 4: If Only the Sharks Would Eat Tim's Outfits

Welcome to the recap of Episode 4 of The Bachelor Canada! We're in the Bahamas and Tim's still in the same outfit of rolled up khaki pants that look like capris, the open button-down shirt, and five o'clock shadow. Tim's uniform: Fabrio meets The Gap.

Tim's style icon

A general observation for this season is that the women don't seem that smitten. Most are saying things like, "I want to figure out if there's chemistry." From the looks of The Bachelor Canada Facebook page, the viewers are not sure about their chemistry with Tim either. He seems totally smart and he's serious about finding The One, but he also seems guarded and his appearance is too cultivated. Is it nerves? His personality? Hard to say. Tim's a tough nut to crack.

Cultural Commentary

As compared to the American show, Bachelor Canada has:
-Shorter episodes - While this wastes less of my time (appreciated) and there is less filler (great), it's hard to connect with anyone and the relationships seem rushed.
-Less of a host. I don't even remember his name and he's hardly been around since the first episode. Maybe he was eaten by a shark?
-Less competition, but maybe this is because no one is that into the guy.
-Less interesting locations, obviously has less of a budget.
-Bartenders (never saw a bartender on Bachelor USA, but I've seen them on this one!)

Natalie's Date: They Could Hear Crickets

Natalie gets invited on the first one-on-one. The date has no plan and they wander aimlessly. The conversation can be described as Awkward Strangers. She's completely nervous and they can't really talk normally. He doesn't offer her the date's rose, but she's not kicked off either. I can't blame her for choosing to pack it in early. Natalie goes home knowing she'd be cut later.

Back at harem headquarters, Lisa is using her favourite expression to describe Natalie ("bats**t cray") or any other women who ever expresses an emotion. She has a list of favourite adjectives, and this is her #1, with "badass" being #2. Her language choice implies that she is so tough, unlike these other girls. My question: Why is it so important to seem tough? It's not a reality television show about forming a street gang. When Natalie walks in and announces her departure, Lisa's all compassion and sad faces. No consistency between the trash talk and the trash walk, Lisa!

These Sharks Were Pre-Fed

The group date concept is awesome. April, Dominique, Kaylynn, Lisa and Sachelle go snorkelling with Bahamian sharks! We know that the producers would not set up something life-threatening, so it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. But then again, I'd love to do this and I know many people who would consider it a nightmare. I bet it's more dangerous to drink alcohol and swim than to be around those sharks. All the women go in the water for a little bit. Kaylynn is freaked out and timid because that's how she rolls. April is the only one with the guts to stay in the water with Tim and this scores her more points. I was kind of hoping for at least a minor shark attack at some point, but alas, the sharks must have been pre-fed.

They fed the sharks the sound guy before letting the women in the water

The after-swim party includes numerous make-outs, starting with Dominique. Her strategy is to smoulder and make intense eye contact. Then there are sloppy seconds, thirds, etc. to go around. If they only made Purell for the mouth.

Two-on-One Date: The Loser Scrams Midway

Trisha and Rileigh hang out with Tim on a boat. They make small talk. Rileigh likes philosophy, Trisha was previously engaged. Tim seems more at ease and a better match with Rileigh, but he appreciates that Trisha broke up an engagement and Rileigh is sent home. Don't think too hard, the whole thing is incomprehensible. Trisha and Tim frolic in the water and she gets a rose.

Rileigh doesn't seem that disappointed. She goes home, finds a political science major who appreciates her smarts, and they have higher quality conversations for the rest of their lives. The end!

No Choices Are Made

I won't leave you in suspense: Everyone gets roses in the rose ceremony because two women are already gone. Trisha already has a rose. April, Lisa, Dominique, Kaylynn, and Sachelle get to stay too. It looked like this was a last minute decision (Tim ran off to get an extra rose) but it was obviously already planned just to freak the women out for no reason.

There are six women left and they're all going with Tim to his hometown of Toronto. Looks like Natalie tries to come back (at least I think it's her that comes back). Ya, that's gonna turn out awesome for her.

See you next week, eh?

Friday, 3 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada - Season 2, Episode 3: Awkward Mexican Dancing

Welcome to the episode 3 recap of the Bachelor Canada, Season 2! In this episode, Tim Warmels and his potential-wife group fly to Los Cabos, Mexico and underwhelm the locals with their dancing. Here's the entire recap:

Cringe-Worthy Glamour Shots

Maybe because he's some tech guy and they want to up his desirability, Tim Warmels gets many romance novel glamour shots. This week's winning look: Tim with perma-stubble, on the beach, rolled up khaki pants (they look like capris), and completely unbuttoned shirt. 

Give it a rest Fabio

No self-respecting woman would let her guy walk around like that. If he were on New Girl, he'd have to put a dollar in the Douchebag Jar. If you haven't seen New Girl Season 1, it's like a swear jar and you put money in it if you're acting like a douche.  Tim's outfit would qualify but it's probably not his fault he's asked to dress like Fabio.

Tim's photo ops will fill up this jar

The Death Swing of Love

Tim takes Lisa on the first one-on-one date because of her "amazing coolness", meaning she has tattoos and uses the word "badass" in everyday conversation. The other women call Lisa "sassy" and "edgy" while making faces like they smell something bad. In Canada, that's how you do trash-talking. 

Seems like there's another thing for all of us to put on our "I Never Want To Do This" list, and it's the Death Swing. Imagine a swing that drops you hundreds of meters into the middle of a canyon. No gracias.

Lisa astutely observes that adrenaline-inducing activities bring people together. I learned about this in Psychology 101. There's this classic experiment whereby some men are asked to walk across a scary, shaky bridge and some men walk across a stable bridge. The scientists put a woman at the end of the bridge. The guys on the shaky bridge were more likely to accept a phone number from the woman at the other side and call her later for a date. These men felt arousal (fear) on the shaky bridge and misattributed it to attraction. The Bachelor franchise knows about this experiment and uses these kinds of scenarios to manipulate the contestants into falling in love. Oh, science! 

Science knows that this can't last

The experiment succeeds. Tim likes Lisa's "confidence," and she gets the rose. These two don't look or sound like a couple. I can't picture him sitting on her couch watching Sons of Anarchy, but whatever, she has the rose and survives the week. 

Tim and Kaylynn: Cry-Comfort-Calm and Repeat

Kaylynn the ballerina is embarrassed about crying last week. A bunch of the other girls are like coyotes who can smell her weakness, with Martha leading the pack. They roll their eyes, and Kaylynn's crying again. Kaylynn knows it's bad, but keeps having flashbacks of the ballerina bullies in her boarding school. She admits, " I cannot go any lower emotionally." Someone get this woman out of here!

Trisha says that Kaylynn can't act like that and expect that no one will make the above facial expression

Kaylynn's dynamic with Tim is this: She cries, he comforts her, she's fine for five minutes, she cries again, and repeat. She sticks to this, later going to his hotel room to say she's embarrassed about the crying but she's still crying. He holds her hand and she's fine for a minute. It's telling that neither can tell how messed up this is!

The Local Mexican Dance of Awkwardito

The next date is with Martha (Mexican-Canadian), Sachelle, Jenny, and April Burlesque. They think they're going for tacos, but instead they get stuck doing a Mexican mariachi dance performance. As they practice, Martha thinks she's the best and affirms that Sachelle's a bad dancer, to her face (ouch). Martha likes her home country but she does NOT work for Tourism Mexico. 

The practice session was pretty embarrassing, but the actual performance made me want to hide under my chenille throw. They look like a bunch of poorly prepared middle school students at a talent show. The tourists clap, having been paid handsomely in guacamole vouchers by the Bachelor producers. Tim picks Sachelle for a one-on-one after-date because she was least in her element but still had fun (i.e., they are equally bad dancers). I think April Burlesque says that she has the "major bummerdoos." After watching that dance, we all have the bummerdoos, April. 

On the Sachelle-Tim date we learn that both had partners cheat on them. Aaaaand, it's officially the season of the victims and underdogs (except for Lisa.) Tim feels a "crazy spark" with Sachelle and she thinks he's her boyfriend so does that mean he's cheating on her already? 

Urgent Wife-Finding Mission

Tim was supposed to have a volleyball date with Natalie, Rileigh, April Not Burlesque, Dominique, Trisha, and Christine. Tim feels a "sense of urgency" to get to know everyone better. He cancels the date so he can talk to all the women prior to the rose ceremony. The above six women still have to wear the skimpy team bikinis with "Bachelor" written on the bum. 

I agree with Tim that watching people play volleyball won't help him get to know the women. But he's effectively turned this episode into speed dating with him as the only guy. Boring for the women and the viewer. Trisha observes that they are forced into being "creepy" observers. What does that make us viewers, Trisha?

April Not Burlesque is crying near the ocean because she so wanted the volleyball date. Tim is attracted by crying females and rushes to her.

Lisa can't understand all the crying. Fun fact: she once had a root canal and declined the freezing because crying's for babies, people.

April says that Tim's a Greek God (oh c'mon) and she's afraid she'll turn to stone if she looks at him. The only stone is in Lisa's heart so April shouldn't worry.

When April and Tim leave the ocean, the mood is tense because everyone else is jealous. He helps matters by saying that four women are going home instead of two. So now everyone's crying, but do they even know this guy? They'd do better on eHarmony but what do I know.

May the Criers Reap All the Rewards

The first two roses go to the biggest criers:
-Kaylynn from ballerina bully boarding school
-Trisha the pageant contestant who may or may not have won any titles

The next roses go to other vulnerable types:
-Sachelle who was cheated on
-April Not Burlesque who cried near the ocean

Finally we also have roses for:
-Natalie the French teacher
-Dominique who seems too tall for Tim
-Rileigh who gets little airtime 

Going home:
-Martha the failed ambassador for Mexico, who decides to become a mariachi dance teacher.
-Christine the music teacher. She seems nice and later finds a great guy and gets married. But everyone mocks her for that cheesy song from the first episode for the rest of her life.
-Jenny who "didn't feel it" for Tim anyway. Did anyone see Lisa crying about her departure? Intense. At least she made one connection on this show!
-April Burlesque who makes everyone cheer when she leaves but they all feel super awkward about it.

No one seems that upset to go because WHO is this guy anyway? He reminds me of a soggy burrito, metaphorically. And the stubble, enough already.

Next week: the Bahamas! 

Saturday, 27 September 2014

The Bachelor Canada: Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: They're Still Pretending It's California

Welcome to Episode 2 of the Bachelor Canada! To sum it up: it's still freezing outside. Here's the longer version of what went down:

The Ballerina Falls

Tim offers his first date to Kaylynn, the very sensitive ballerina. He's looking for a girl who sobs easily.

I'm impressed that The Bachelor Canada has the budget for a helicopter. They fly up to Grouse Mountain so they can go on a gondola. The post-apocalyptic landscape of snow and more snow makes them hungry - they actually eat the food. The Bachelor usually provides plastic inedible food so this is a change of pace.

Does anyone else find that Tim Warmels sounds like Tim Gunn from Project Runway? Also, I'm still hoping he'll shave.

Tim Warmels wears a bathrobe sweater
Tim Gunn is critical of bathrobe sweaters

On their date, Kaylynn talks about going to ballerina school, being teased, and only seeing her mom twice a year. What a lonely childhood and she's not over it. They talk about how "this does not feel weird at all" which is something you say when things feel a bit weird. Then she reveals to the camera that it's "the most unbelievable connection I've had in my whole life." Yikes. She gets the rose.

Row, Row, Row Your Dragonboat

It's early in the season with too many women so they set up a big date where two teams compete for Tim. Blue Team: Alison, Dominique, Lisa, Renée, and Sachelle. Yellow Team: April Burlesque, Jenny, Martha, Rileigh, and Trisha.

Vancouver in the winter? Perfect for a dragonboat race! Tim is rowed into the scene by some miserable looking drangon-boaters in the freezing rain. He holds a bullhorn while the contestants humiliate themselves to get a moment of Tim's attention. The Yellow Team wins because Jenny is a personal trainer.  They head to some Chinese gardens and are further degraded by being forced to wear matching cheongsams (I googled it, that's what those dresses are called).

They toast to losing all traces of dignity and individuality. Then the dragon on the top left bites off Trisha's head.

We learn that April Burlesque was raised on a hippie farm and has a stage name of Suicide Stacy because that's how a hippie child rebels. We also learn that Trisha has been "obsessed" with pageants since she was a little girl. They allow swearing on The Bachelor Canada, and Rileigh wants "fake Tim" to "cut the s&*%." Rileigh, they would have to cut the whole show to do that.

The rose goes to Trisha. Tim's like a bull: Totally attracted to red flags.

Photo Shoot It's Raining Again

Tim "surprises" the ladies in their PJs. They just happen to be all standing around the kitchen in negligees. Fun fact: the word "negligee" comes from the French word for neglected. Like how Tim neglects to shave always.

The four-on-one date is a Rimmel photo shoot with Sonya, Christine, Natalie, and April Not Burlesque. Tim gets to pick one woman for a date after the shoot. This is getting redundant, but it's freezing cold and raining outside.

Christine and Tim lounge in bathing suits and we get a nice shot of his Cinderella carriage tattoo, which he reveals is a cover up for another tattoo. A former lover's name perhaps?

April Not Burlesque gets a cute houndstooth dress. 

April hovers over the stubble

In their photo shoot, Natalie and Tim kiss and she has "hearts spinning around me like a cartoon." Bleh, she'll be over him soon enough. Sonya (who Tim calls "mature") is sent home in a Hyundai due to lack of chemistry. She seems nice, but she kind of looked like his aunt in those photos. 

The other three contestants stand around in their bathrobes and Tim picks April for the one-on-one. Tim and April hang out under a blanket, do meta-talk about The Relationship, and watch one of the better musical acts I've seen on this show. No idea who the singer was but the song was vaguely familiar so that's better than usual.

Jealousy and White Wine Don't Mix

A difference from the American show: Bachelor Canada has bartenders at rose ceremonies. And earlier, Tim opened his own bottle of alcohol. I know you really care about these details so you're welcome.

Kaylynn is losing it. She has a rose yet feels completely insecure. Martha tries to comfort her but her approach is too direct and Kaylynn feels invalidated. She is allowed to have her FEELINGS and why is Martha such a bully?

Kaylynn confuses "talking" with "bullying"

Everyone moves outside for the hypothermic rose ceremony. Roses go to:

April Burlesque (AKA Suicide Stacy - anyone else feel uncomfortable with this name?)
Christine who sang a song last week
Sachelle not seashell
Martha the Bully
Dominique from Quebec
Jenny who can row
Lisa the evil redhead
April Not Burlesque
Rileigh who wants Tim to keep it real on a fake show
Natalie the French teacher

Going home: Alison (Habs fan from Montreal) and Renée, the ER doctor who has better things to do. Tim has lipstick on his collar.

It's not over yet. Tim, attracted by a red flag goes to talk to Kaylynn who is full on crying, saying she "can't stand bullying" even though no one did that. He comforts her and she's calmed and the dysfunctional dynamic of their relationship is established. 

Next week they go to Cabo because it's a reasonably priced destination and people are getting frostbite.

Canadians can also build pyramids

I'm underwhelmed by Tim Horton with the Tim Gunn voice, but I'll watch anyway. See you next week!

Saturday, 20 September 2014

The Bachelor Canada Season 2 Premiere: It's Canada, We Need Coats Please

Welcome to Season 2 of The Bachelor Canada! Apparently, Tim Warmels, this random guy, is Canada's most eligible bachelor. Okay, we'll accept your premise, Bachelor Canada. Tim's a former investment banker turned tech start-up owner. He also owns his own "boutique" construction company meaning he does not have any employees and does all the work himself. You need a toilet installed, Tim's your man. He also plays hockey, obligatory for a Canadian bachelor. I feel like calling him Tim Horton but I'll try not to do that.

Canada's best catch should have bothered to shave, n'est ce pas?

The season opens with some classic shots of our bachelor. Tim Warmels in rolled up khakis on the beach (they made him do that), Tim Warmels with aviator sunglasses in a private jet (not his own jet), Tim Warmels in a fancy hotel (bill paid by City TV), Tim Warmels showering (reassuring us that he is clean), Tim Warmels rocking the Zoolander "Blue Ice" look. You get the picture.

Cameras in the bathroom, not creepy at all! Nice Cinderella pumpkin-carriage tattoo, BTW.

We are introduced to the contestants. There is a different look to the Canadian vs. American show. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe the Canadian shows seems less heavily produced? The host, Tyler Harcott, contributes to the Canadiana vibe. He's more goofy than Chris Harrison. We meet:

  • Natalie, a French teacher who has a worse French accent than me. That's saying something.
  • Renée, an ER doctor from Quebec who surely has more important things to do.
  • April Brockman who waves her red flag immediately: "I'm a lot more work than other women but I'm worth it." Run, Tim, run.
  • Jennifer, a Joyologist whose cute dog redeems her job description.
  • Trish, a Pageant Queen who admittedly has not won any titles. Does this mean she just pays to be a contestant and always loses? How depressing. She's a queen of her own living room.
  • Victoria, expert waxer who "vaccuums a different carpet" (ewwww) and does burlesque on the side.

You'd be joyful too if you had this jaunty pooch

Anyone notice the Rimmel make-up product placement? Lancôme was like, no thanks Bachelor Canada. 

Everyone wears their most flattering bridesmaid dresses to meet Tim. We get a lot of shots of shoes coming out of limos. And the awkward introductions begin! We're going to promptly forget about 10 of these 25 women so I won't go through them all. We can tell who Tim likes (watches them as they leave and keeps smiling) vs. those he does NOT like (turns back toward the limo with a tight-lipped smile). Rileigh gives Tim shots (so he smells boozy for the rest), Sachelle offers a seashell to help him remember her name, Trisha wears an enormous pageant sash, Alison cheers for the Habs, Renée the ER doctor gives a prescription for a good night, Jenny offers a flower pot then takes the pot inside, and April Borgnetta does a burlesque show that makes timid Tim jump out of his shiny shoes. He got scared by the confetti gun. For real. 

We have a problem with two April B.'s. Let's call them April Burlesque and April Not-Burlesque, okay? 

The Cocktail party is warmer in spirit than on the American season. Everyone immediately becomes besties. Jennifer Joyologist is the group therapist and the women love her. She's like the Jewish grandma they all need. "You're perfect, you're gorgeous, be yourself!" she tells them all. Then she insists they eat the danish she brought ("you look too skinny bubbalah!").

One for all and all for one man! Wait a minute...

The cocktail party is the usual revolving door of getting-to-know-you banalities where no one learns anything about Tim yet immediately decides he's the perrrfect guy. And then there's Kaylynn (ballerina who is drunken slurring or maybe she talks like that?) - she's already insecure and crying, I hope she can handle all this. April Burlesque tells a confusing story: she had a birthday wish to be a cheerleader so she had a cheer day and was a cheerleader all day. What does this even mean? Rebecca bakes an apple pie that looks pretty darned yummy. April Not-Burlesque is wearing the world's shiniest sequin red dress because, you know, she's WORTH IT.  

Christine the music teacher sings a song she wrote. The song is cheezola and the other women determine that she is quote, "cray cray." But Tim loves it and she gets the First Impression Rose. Another rose goes to Natalie the French teacher who wears a wedding dress. Sachelle (not Seashell) gets a rose for seeming cute and honest, but she can shoot a gun very well so watch out. Lisa is pegged as the villain because she made someone's martini glass break. And she has red hair which means she must be evil. Trish the Pageant Hopeful (this is a more accurate moniker) is worried she "might not be good enough." Oh honey, maybe the Joyologist, will take you as a client.

Rose ceremony time! Everyone is freezing outside because it's Canada but the producers want to pretend it's California.

It's freezing out here, hurry up Tim Horton.

And the roses go to:
  • April Burlesque - she'll wax you till you cry, then scare you with confetti guns
  • April Not-Burlesque - because she's WORTH IT
  • Alison - Habs fan
  • Dominique - intense starer in black dress
  • Jenny - won't give Tim the flower pot
  • Kaylynn - crying ballerina, overcommitted already
  • Lisa - red haired villain in fur made from innocent puppies
  • Martha - Mexican-Montrealer fashion buyer
  • Renée - could be saving people's lives but here instead
  • Rileigh - philosophy student with shot glasses
  • Sonia - mature lingerie model
  • Trisha - pageant hopeful who says she was at Miss Universe when she was only in the audience

Already with roses:
  • Sachelle - not seashell
  • Nathalie - French accent needs improvement
  • Christine - sings a homemade song in an elaborate red dress

Those provided with a one-way Via Rail ticket home:
  • Andrea - purple dress?
  • Jacqueline - tall blonde
  • Jennifer - charismatic Joyologist who goes home to cute dog
  • Jewel - accountant in silk dress with basketball
  • Kelsey - opens champagne with a sword
  • Raelee - Canada chose her but Tim did not, and is that a real name?
  • Rebecca - pie rejected
  • Ritiuska - Venezuela is not Tim's favourite country
  • Sarah - long spine tattoo 
  • Sharan - back to working in IT

The winner gets the maple-leaf engagement ring, pictured above

Can't wait for another episode of the Bachelor Canada. You'll be watching, eh? I know I will!

P.S. Recaps likely to be posted on the weekends. À bientôt!