Tuesday, 21 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada - Season 2, Week 6: Pasta, Wine, and a Big Fat Lie

Welcome to Week 6 of The Bachelor Canada! This week in Tuscany was intense. It should have been all pasta and Sangiovese wine, but instead someone had a drunken make-out session. Yup, someone is here for The Wrong Reasons! But more on that later. Tyler the host is still missing. Could you imagine if Chris Harrison just disappeared midseason? Bachelor Nation would be rioting. Here's your recap:

Free Jewelry and an Accordion. 

Trisha gets the first one-on-one date with Tim ("Lets make the night sparkle") - a classic Tuscan date with a romantic dinner, gift, and walk around the city. It's the kind of date everyone wants for their honeymoon. The only thing that could make it more romantic would be this:

Now this is romance

She's obviously smitten and Tim says she brings out his silly side. Tim admits he's worried about getting to the end and getting rejected. That could happen, so good on him for being realistic. After dinner, Tim offers Trisha earrings and a matchy-match necklace with diamonds (or possibly cubic zirconias but we'll never find out). Trish's response: "Are you messing with me?" Alas, he is not messing and she keeps the jewelry which looks okay yet a bit like something you could buy at Sears, but it's free so whatever. Then they dance in a public square to the music of an accordion.

Trisha has no poker face

Trisha says that this date is like a movie, but better because it's real. And I feel a bit bad for her because this date was entirely conceived by producers who also picked out the jewelry as a product placement, and her boyfriend is dating four other people. But besides all that, it's totally real! In any case, they seem to get along and Tim says it was the most romantic date of his life. Awwwww.

Picture Perfecto (Except for the Part Where I Cheated on You)

The date card arrives: "A picture perfect date awaits." Invitees are Kaylynn, April, and Lisa. The women know that Tim hates bullies, yet Lisa is a bully and it's making them all bananas. Lisa isn't winning feminism points by saying on camera that her rivals are "the epitome of why I don't like females." Misogyny is kind of a molto grande (ginormous) red flag. Good luck to whoever ends up as Lisa's mother-in-law or daughter, because she does NOT like the females.

Flash forward to the next morning and all the women are in a room looking superbly uncomfortable. Turns out that they all went to a pub the night before and Lisa made out with a guy! OMG, this is so shocking because - they are allowed to go out to a pub?!? I thought that contestants were forbidden from leaving the hotel! What a revelation. The make-out is a bit less shocking. My husband can't understand why Tim can kiss everyone and Lisa can't. I tried to explain the Bachelor Code to him but we all know it's not logical, just the RULES AND THEY MUST OBEY. And Lisa's a redhead so bad behaviour is expected. This is totally going to be Lisa's Halloween costume:

Lisa would love this Poison Ivy look from Batman & Robin

Where were we? Oh yes, huge betrayal. The women decide to stay quiet (for now). The group outing happens as planned. Sachelle's blunt take: "Brockman's the only normal one on that date." This is what the date involves: Tim wears a huge diaper and eats an apple while the women paint him in an alley. The contestant who paints the best picture of Tim wins extra time with him. No one is that good at painting, but Lisa's the only one who knows not to make a cartoon so she wins.

"Drunk and Diapered" by April Brockman

Kaylynn has been crying for most of the episode and neither she nor April feel that it's fair for Lisa to get the reward of a date. Tim and Lisa go to a rooftop for dinner and she's squirming. Lisa's doing all the classic liar moves: fidgeting, giggling at weird moments, and touching her nose (yes, this is a common sign of lying - after I learned about the nose touching I can't help but notice when people do this). She's also saying things like, "I'm such a bad liar" thus proving her own point.

I saw this TED talk that said that liars always do this smile thing - the "I'm getting away with it" face. Lisa's totally making that face.

Tim looks a bit pukey, maybe he has a clue? After dinner, they sit on a bench and she gives what is likely a very diluted version of truth: She was at the pub, the bartender gave her a two-cheek kiss and then kissed her on the mouth. Tim says it's a shock but hugs her. Thankfully for Lisa he does not ask any follow-up questions which is just ridiculous.

Pizza di Seashell

Because we only have an hour for these episodes there's no time to reflect and here we are on Sachelle's one-on-one "slice of heaven" date. Tim and Sachelle go to the Buitoni test kitchen and an Italian chef shows them how to make pizza. The chef has a strong accent and they subtitle him which I always find a bit offensive. That poor chef thought he was totally killing it in English but, nope, not good enough for the Bachelor diction snobs. We didn't need subtitles to understand: here's flour and toppings now make a pizza. It kind of feels like an activity you would do with toddlers. So they make the pizza and go outside and Sachelle feels a weight on her shoulders. She hasn't been able to sleep thinking about Lisa's betrayal. Sachelle tells Tim a very different story than Lisa did: As per Sachelle, the women saw Lisa making out in the bar, tried to pull her away, but Lisa went back to keep kissing the random guy. Again, Tim misses the opportunity to get more details and just frowns. We don't get to see what happened at the end of the pizza date because WE'RE ON A SCHEDULE PEOPLE.

This situation totally reminds me of this time in college where we used to hang out with this girl who had a moustache. All of us were like, we have to tell her to bleach that moustache! But no one wanted to because that kind of honesty could kill a friendship. The person who would tell her would thus become the Moustache Martyr: she who sacrifices a relationship by revealing an uncomfortable truth.

The question: how does Lisa get away with these shenanigans?

Sachelle (Moustache Martyr) goes out on a limb, but we all know this could backfire. She says she's falling for Tim, but this kind of truth-move is always risky. He could feel she's gossiping, or tattling, or too concerned about his other relationships. This kind of discussion also puts a general damper on the date. Tim says he appreciates it, but now he's all "conflicted" and "distraught."

Hello Italy, Goodbye Good Judgement

Tim says that he's going with his gut. His gut has no clue. Roses go to Trisha, Sachelle, and April. Then there's a pause. Tim asks to speak to Lisa who lies a bit more and says "sorry." Kaylynn has been crying continuously which is not helping her so the final rose goes to....Lisa?!? WHAT??? Kaylynn says she feels anger, sadness, cheated, and broken. But she seemed more upset when Lisa was bullying her, and she's finally put out of her misery (she cried every single episode, multiple times). She needs someone who likes her a bit more than she likes them so she doesn't have to worry so much!

The real question: how far is Lisa going to get on this show? I'm kind of curious to see her family. Are they just a huge biker clan of evil redheads?

See you next week for hometowns!

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