Friday, 3 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada - Season 2, Episode 3: Awkward Mexican Dancing

Welcome to the episode 3 recap of the Bachelor Canada, Season 2! In this episode, Tim Warmels and his potential-wife group fly to Los Cabos, Mexico and underwhelm the locals with their dancing. Here's the entire recap:

Cringe-Worthy Glamour Shots

Maybe because he's some tech guy and they want to up his desirability, Tim Warmels gets many romance novel glamour shots. This week's winning look: Tim with perma-stubble, on the beach, rolled up khaki pants (they look like capris), and completely unbuttoned shirt. 

Give it a rest Fabio

No self-respecting woman would let her guy walk around like that. If he were on New Girl, he'd have to put a dollar in the Douchebag Jar. If you haven't seen New Girl Season 1, it's like a swear jar and you put money in it if you're acting like a douche.  Tim's outfit would qualify but it's probably not his fault he's asked to dress like Fabio.

Tim's photo ops will fill up this jar

The Death Swing of Love

Tim takes Lisa on the first one-on-one date because of her "amazing coolness", meaning she has tattoos and uses the word "badass" in everyday conversation. The other women call Lisa "sassy" and "edgy" while making faces like they smell something bad. In Canada, that's how you do trash-talking. 

Seems like there's another thing for all of us to put on our "I Never Want To Do This" list, and it's the Death Swing. Imagine a swing that drops you hundreds of meters into the middle of a canyon. No gracias.

Lisa astutely observes that adrenaline-inducing activities bring people together. I learned about this in Psychology 101. There's this classic experiment whereby some men are asked to walk across a scary, shaky bridge and some men walk across a stable bridge. The scientists put a woman at the end of the bridge. The guys on the shaky bridge were more likely to accept a phone number from the woman at the other side and call her later for a date. These men felt arousal (fear) on the shaky bridge and misattributed it to attraction. The Bachelor franchise knows about this experiment and uses these kinds of scenarios to manipulate the contestants into falling in love. Oh, science! 

Science knows that this can't last

The experiment succeeds. Tim likes Lisa's "confidence," and she gets the rose. These two don't look or sound like a couple. I can't picture him sitting on her couch watching Sons of Anarchy, but whatever, she has the rose and survives the week. 

Tim and Kaylynn: Cry-Comfort-Calm and Repeat

Kaylynn the ballerina is embarrassed about crying last week. A bunch of the other girls are like coyotes who can smell her weakness, with Martha leading the pack. They roll their eyes, and Kaylynn's crying again. Kaylynn knows it's bad, but keeps having flashbacks of the ballerina bullies in her boarding school. She admits, " I cannot go any lower emotionally." Someone get this woman out of here!

Trisha says that Kaylynn can't act like that and expect that no one will make the above facial expression

Kaylynn's dynamic with Tim is this: She cries, he comforts her, she's fine for five minutes, she cries again, and repeat. She sticks to this, later going to his hotel room to say she's embarrassed about the crying but she's still crying. He holds her hand and she's fine for a minute. It's telling that neither can tell how messed up this is!

The Local Mexican Dance of Awkwardito

The next date is with Martha (Mexican-Canadian), Sachelle, Jenny, and April Burlesque. They think they're going for tacos, but instead they get stuck doing a Mexican mariachi dance performance. As they practice, Martha thinks she's the best and affirms that Sachelle's a bad dancer, to her face (ouch). Martha likes her home country but she does NOT work for Tourism Mexico. 

The practice session was pretty embarrassing, but the actual performance made me want to hide under my chenille throw. They look like a bunch of poorly prepared middle school students at a talent show. The tourists clap, having been paid handsomely in guacamole vouchers by the Bachelor producers. Tim picks Sachelle for a one-on-one after-date because she was least in her element but still had fun (i.e., they are equally bad dancers). I think April Burlesque says that she has the "major bummerdoos." After watching that dance, we all have the bummerdoos, April. 

On the Sachelle-Tim date we learn that both had partners cheat on them. Aaaaand, it's officially the season of the victims and underdogs (except for Lisa.) Tim feels a "crazy spark" with Sachelle and she thinks he's her boyfriend so does that mean he's cheating on her already? 

Urgent Wife-Finding Mission

Tim was supposed to have a volleyball date with Natalie, Rileigh, April Not Burlesque, Dominique, Trisha, and Christine. Tim feels a "sense of urgency" to get to know everyone better. He cancels the date so he can talk to all the women prior to the rose ceremony. The above six women still have to wear the skimpy team bikinis with "Bachelor" written on the bum. 

I agree with Tim that watching people play volleyball won't help him get to know the women. But he's effectively turned this episode into speed dating with him as the only guy. Boring for the women and the viewer. Trisha observes that they are forced into being "creepy" observers. What does that make us viewers, Trisha?

April Not Burlesque is crying near the ocean because she so wanted the volleyball date. Tim is attracted by crying females and rushes to her.

Lisa can't understand all the crying. Fun fact: she once had a root canal and declined the freezing because crying's for babies, people.

April says that Tim's a Greek God (oh c'mon) and she's afraid she'll turn to stone if she looks at him. The only stone is in Lisa's heart so April shouldn't worry.

When April and Tim leave the ocean, the mood is tense because everyone else is jealous. He helps matters by saying that four women are going home instead of two. So now everyone's crying, but do they even know this guy? They'd do better on eHarmony but what do I know.

May the Criers Reap All the Rewards

The first two roses go to the biggest criers:
-Kaylynn from ballerina bully boarding school
-Trisha the pageant contestant who may or may not have won any titles

The next roses go to other vulnerable types:
-Sachelle who was cheated on
-April Not Burlesque who cried near the ocean

Finally we also have roses for:
-Natalie the French teacher
-Dominique who seems too tall for Tim
-Rileigh who gets little airtime 

Going home:
-Martha the failed ambassador for Mexico, who decides to become a mariachi dance teacher.
-Christine the music teacher. She seems nice and later finds a great guy and gets married. But everyone mocks her for that cheesy song from the first episode for the rest of her life.
-Jenny who "didn't feel it" for Tim anyway. Did anyone see Lisa crying about her departure? Intense. At least she made one connection on this show!
-April Burlesque who makes everyone cheer when she leaves but they all feel super awkward about it.

No one seems that upset to go because WHO is this guy anyway? He reminds me of a soggy burrito, metaphorically. And the stubble, enough already.

Next week: the Bahamas! 

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