Thursday, 28 May 2015

Chris and Whitney Have Split

Chris and Whitney are over. They lasted about 6 months, which is the most common relationship length for couples for this show. Sad, but expected. Get the news here. This brings The Bachelor's marriage rate to 10.5%, or 2 out of 19 couples.

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

The Bachelorette Season 11, Episode 3 - Would You Rather Get Punched or Be Forced to Do Improv?

It's only the second week of Bachelorette, and I like it. This is the week of punching and punchlines. Let's bachcap.

Chris Harrison Drinks From a Mason Jar

In her sit-down with the host, Kaitlyn admits she wants the dream proposal. She's bought into The Dream. Chris Harrison has sparkling water with lemon in a mason jar. Getting too old for cocktails.

The Wrong Sort of Ring

For the first group date, the men are coached into becoming boxers by Laila Ali, daughter of Muhammad Ali. Kaitlyn is rocking the pink boxer shorts and gloves. The men are lucky they don't have to face Laila in the ring.

"Ohhhh, I can hear the bone crunching already!"

The obvious occurs: Much pummelling resulting in a head injury. How coercive is this show?! The guys had no choice but to submit. This is no better than throwing roosters in a ring and watching them tear each other apart. Fewer feathers, though.

We Want to Pump, You Up

Here's what we learned about the guys, besides the fact that they sweat buckets and punch like angry teenagers. Also, shirtlessness is not always your friend.

Ben Z. the Hunk likes cooking (good!), and by that he means BBQ tailgate parties (not good). As the winning boxer, he scored points and the date rose.

Kupah won a match but lost points by paying more attention to the punching bag than to Kaitlyn.

Daniel, the fashion designer, makes oddball jokes and casually drops French into the convo (je ne sais, he says).

Corey tells Kaitlyn she's out of his league. Should have faked it until you made it, AKA the JJ strategy.

Jared, ye ole times magician guy, was knocked out in the final match with Ben Z. If you shine a light into Jared's eyes, you can see right into his scrambled brain. He will magically transform a head injury into Love Points. He steals a kiss on his way back to the mansion.

You may not remember Tanner because he is too reasonable saying he was just focused on not getting killed. Good plan, Tanner. Justin is also forgettable as Kaitlyn's second choice fitness trainer (to Shawn). Ben H. lost his match, and his chance at making an impression.

Love hurts like a head injury

Date with Clint: AKA Subsurface Co-Portrait Experience

I like Clint because he drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops and his job title suggests he's at least a bit smart (architectural engineer). Clint scores points by agreeing with everything Kaitlyn says and talking in Very Brief Sentences.

For their one-on-one date, Kaitlyn and Clint meet someone with an embellished job title: Conceptual Underwater Photographer. Okay, let's start calling the Fitness Trainers: Anatomy Enhancing Creationers.

The date involves taking pictures under water. This is a weird trend because the people look drowned in most of the pics. But it all works out and He of Little Words gets a rose. Triceratops High Five!

Artsy or just a stupid idea

The Men Stand Up for Kaitlyn

The next group date is stand up comedy. The Bachelor(ette) premise was getting formulaic, so the producers had a choice: a) risk being stale or b) get in on the joke. This season, naughty comedian Amy Schumer joins in.

For this group date, the men are asked to do stand-up comedy bits. Possibly this is worse than getting punched in the face. As an audience, give me the punching thing any day. Summary = they were all terrible. These sets made last season's country songs with Farmer Chris seem Grammy worthy. What we learned about the guys:

JJ - As Amy Schumer said, he's a real sweetheart who's only missing: 1) charisma, 2) humility and 3) a sense of humour. Whatta catch! Amy played JJ so hard. But this is what you do with a guy who is so far into their own ego that they are oblivious to being ridiculed. When JJ laments that he's smarter than 90% of the audience, Amy Schumer reassures him: "You're not." JJ still doesn't get it. SHE IS MAKING FUN OF YOU. Amy hopes JJ will see this footage so he becomes "less of a turd." Miraculously, he's a turd with a kiss and a date rose. Kaitlyn, talk to Amy, will ya?

One person is not reading another person's facial expressions

Ian - Still seems like a great guy- he's the Princeton track dude who was almost killed in the hit-and-run. Ian goes in for a kiss, but it looks like the friend-zone.

Joe - Endearing Joe from Kentucky! He has high hair. He's sweet and genuine. He'll be snatched up soon if Kaitlyn doesn't pick him. There was a make-out.

Jonathan - This is the guy with the kid named Sky who liked Britt. He doesn't seem that into Kaitlyn. She likes guys with kids so maybe he'll stick around.

Joshua - This cute welder has never been in love before. This season's Becca?

Tony - Oh, Tony the healer. There is nothing more absurd than you doing stand-up. Sounded like a cross between an acceptance speech and a preamble to a meditation retreat. Later in the episode, Tony slips up and refers to Kaitlyn as Britt. Oops! Tony needs fewer cocktails and more plants. Tony's kind of like JJ in that he's so in his head he can't see The Other People. My tip for Tony: do not tell Kaitlyn she's a combination lock instead of a key lock. Women are not mysteries to solve. We are people, dammit. Namaste.

Cupcake Chris - The little dentist who could! In his minty fresh button down, Chris manages to show some confidence on stage. Brusha brusha brusha!

What you find when you google "Toothbrush with Microphone"

Cocktail Party

Briefly, Tony the Healer freaks out because of JJ's bragging. Then, the drama with Kupah. There are things I don't like about Kupah. Namely, he says he wants a "trophy wife" (yuck) and he strongly preferred Britt but stuck around for reasons unknown. But I do respect that he asked whether he was kept around as the Token Black Guy. The Bachelor(ette)'s record on diversity is abysmal. Kupah has every right to wonder whether he's playing this worn out role on the show. We see it on many seasons- there are 1 to 3 black contestants who get voted out by Week 3. Even if there's zero chemistry, no Bachelor(ette) wants to risk looking racist by voting out the people of colour on Week 1. Kudos to the producers on airing Kupah's musings on this topic. Even though it's not much, it's the first time this weirdness got acknowledged on this show. Can we have a Bachelor(ette) of colour please? It's TIME.

The rest of the drama interests me less, but it goes like this: Kupah asks Kaitlyn why he's still there, because he didn't feel chemistry, and Kaitlyn is offended saying she felt chemistry until that moment. She asks him to leave. Kupah tries to backtrack and insists he needs to stay. Message to all men: When a woman says, "I'm telling you it's bad," don't argue, believe her. Kupah makes a scene when they try to do a final interview with him pre-limo send-off. Kupah's just mad and Kaitlyn should just ignore him. But she goes outside to Kupah. TO BE CONTINUED. Annoying because none of us will remember the guys' names for the rose ceremony next week.

Britt and Brady Sitting in a Tree

Remember songster Brady who left to find Kaitlyn? Now they're boyfriend-girlfriend.

In the spotlight for one more week

It won't last, but Britt will get to reject someone and that will be better than leaving empty handed. Not a fairy tale ending, but she's for sure on Bachelor in Paradise, so it's better than a punch in the head in a boxing ring while Laila Ali laughs at you.

Don't do this to animals or Bachelorette contestants

See you next week!

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

The Bachelorette Season 11, Episodes 1 & 2: Hello Bachelorette Kaitlyn!

And the Bachelorette is....Kaitlyn! Here's your recap on the premiere (May 18) and the second episode (May 19). A spicy season awaits us all.

The Set Up

Kaitlyn: Knock knock
Guys: Who's there?
Kaitlyn: Two Bachelorettes
Guys: Two Bachelorettes who?
Kaitlyn: That's the joke
Britt: Jokes are stupid, and so is this premise
Chris Harrison: This is partly my fault but I will act empathic
Producers: Ratings!
Viewers: Grrrr

Chris Harrison called it "historic," but the Kaitlyn vs. Britt thing made everyone feel weird. Both women were just rejected by Farmer Chris. The producers could have chosen one Bachelorette while casting men who liked the chosen Bachelorette. But, you know, ratings.

Told to stand 10 feet apart - just to make it weirder

The night began with a cocktail party. Each suitor was asked to vote by putting a rose in either Kaitlyn's or Britt's voting box. Behold the custom boxes with rose-shaped cut-outs. You know there were interns testing out roses to make sure they fit in the boxes. Then a big bouncer guy unlocked the boxes because Chris Harrison had trouble with the locks.

A memo to all politicians: More people would vote if you used these boxes.

It's a very scientific process

The Bachelorette(s)

Kaitlyn and Britt as so different, but it really wasn't clear who would "win." Kaitlyn said she was nervous and unsure how to act (honest to a fault), while Britt was confident and said she was excited (positive to a fault). Most of the edit was focused on their emotional reactions and the men's voting preferences. My impression was that Britt was slightly ahead. Can we just get this over with?

Shattering this unfettered optimism is kind of mean

The Drama

A Junkyard Specialist named Ryan made a list of "Things You Should Never Do on TV" and  accomplished them all. Here's his list:
- Drink until you have jelly legs and spitty mouth
- Yell "you suck" to a guy in a hot tub car
- Touch women's private body parts without permission
- Talk excessively about your own arousal level
- Strip to your underwear and go in the pool alone while pouting
- Do a drunken roll, poolside
- Angrily throw your voting rose at the wall
- Exchange angry words with reasonable sober people
- Get escorted out by the Bachelor bouncer
- Get sent home in a white mini van

Check, check and check! Ryan is now back home with the rest of the junk. Chris Harrison said that Ryan was not kicked out for being drunk or inappropriate with Kaitlyn. That stuff is not a big deal, but: Don't. EVER. Mess. With. The. Roses.

What did that voting rose ever do to you, Ryan?

The Results

After all the men voted, Chris Harrison and the bouncer did a tally in a tiny notebook. Chris Harrison informed the women of the result verrrry slooowly to extend the drama. Britt "didn't see it coming at all" and she had a limo cry - it was painful to watch. Kaitlyn was super-excited to be the Bachelorette, but Chris Harrison appeared gloomy. Guess we know who else was on Team Britt.

For any conspiracy theorists out there, there's no way of knowing whether the producers stacked the deck by casting more Kaitlyn fans than Britt fans. I'm really happy for Kaitlyn, and she was my preference because of her sense of humour. That said, I hope that they paid Britt a ton of cash for involving her in these shenanigans. Chances are that she'll return for Bachelor in Paradise, unless some guy snaps her up before then. Good luck to you, Britt!

After Britt's departure, Kaitlyn had a rose ceremony to do. Tables, ye are turned. Please explain: At least 5 men voiced extremely strong preferences for Britt, yet they stuck around for Kaitlyn. What are their real motivations - fame, free travel, chance to be the next Bachelor? We're having a Right Reasons moment here. 


Shawn B. - Cutie who won the first impression rose. He's the only guy who figured out how to greet both women at once by giving a group hug. Kaitlyn's the reason he came on the show. Right Reasons Grade: 10 out of 10

We'll be seeing more of your side part, Shawn

Chris - Dentist with glow-in-the dark teeth who arrived in a cupcake - hey, betcha no one ever wrote that sentence before. Made a premature first move on Kaitlyn and kissing looked a bit off. Right Reasons Grade: 7

Ben H. - First one out of the limo. Sells software. Don't remember him. Right Reasons Grade: 5? 8? 2? No clue.

JJ - Flip-flopper who seemed to like Kaitlyn, voted for Britt ("a billon on a scale of 1 to 10"), then reassured by Kaitlyn and totally into her. JJ's really looking for the right match - the elusive woman with a warm body who breathes. Right Reasons Grade: 5

Joe - From Kentucky and has an obese black dog. Brought moonshine for Kaitlyn. Luckily, she did not go blind. Right Reasons Grade: 9.5

Kupah - Wanted Britt because she's a "trophy wife," defined as a young, attractive woman who serves as a status symbol for her husband. Low marks for his disrespect toward Britt (she's a person, not a trophy), Kaitlyn (he was so fake with her), and women in general. Right Reasons Grade: 1

Daniel - Fashion designer, seems to like Kaitlyn.  Right Reasons Grade: 7

Ryan B. - Realtor who seemed to like Britt more. Right Reasons Grade: 5

Joshua - Welder who WELDED A ROSE FROM STEEL for Kaitlyn. He should make more of those and sell them on ebay. Right Reasons Grade: 10

Tony - New agey, intense "healer" who said the exact same greeting to both women. He liked Britt's energy better (her voting box was "pulsating"), but stuck around for Kaitlyn. Kisses plants. Looks like he hitchhikes. Right Reasons Grade: 4

Clint - Goes straight to Britt out of the limo. Maybe he voted for her? Who cares about the Right Reasons Grade, he drew a picture of Chris Harrison on a triceratops!! 

Cory and Corey - I can't figure out which Cor(e)y is which. One went straight to Kaitlyn out of the limo, the other asked if her plowing offer from last season was still in effect. Right Reasons Grade: Let's say 7 for the pair

Jonathan - Has a 5-year old son named Sky and didn't mind the kid being filmed for the first episode. Was 100% on team Britt, but doesn't admit it to Kaitlyn. Go home to your cute kid, Jonathan! Right Reasons Grade: 3.5

Ben Z. - I also can't recall anything about this Ben. I think he has brown hair. Maybe he voted for Britt. Right Reasons Grade: Deferred

Tanner - Gave tissues to Britt, and was called out for it. Did he like Britt more even with that weird gift? Right Reasons Grade: 5

Ian - Ran track for Princeton until he was in a car accident. Recovered and is gaga for Kaitlyn. Doesn't show up too much in the previews, except for a confrontational scene with Kaitlyn. Right Reasons Grade: 8.5

Justin - Gives balloons to Kaitlyn after inhaling helium. Right Reasons Grade: 8

Jared - Wears a Love Man superhero outfit under his suit. Looks like a magician from the 1800s. Very truthful because told Kaitlyn he voted for Britt so he could start out honestly. Open to getting to know her. Right Reasons Grade: 7.5


Brady - Sentimental singer dude who was all about Britt. He left in the middle of the rose ceremony and was sent to her hotel. Chances are low for a match, but at least he's being real about who he prefers.


Josh - Heavily tattooed exotic dancer law student. Will be fine in life because has a huge stash of dollar bills and can always give you change for a $20.

Bradley - His joke about the tennis love match didn't work out so well. Better luck on the courts to you, Bradster.

David - He liked Britt more anyway. 

Shawn E. - Canadian who arrived in the hot tub "carpool" car, soaking wet. Needs to re-think his self-appointed title of "amateur sex coach" Said he studied online so he could always keep his relationship spicy.  Was this an internet course or self-directed web surfing? Bye!


Whoa on the previews: International travel! Nick the finalist from Andi's season! Several "I'm falling in loves"! And Kaitlyn regrets going too far in a moment of passion. Funny how Claire got blamed for the Ocean Incident on Juan Pablo's season, and it seems Kaitlyn will be blamed on this season. Here's to hoping she's not unfairly shamed like Claire was. If anyone loses the morality game it's the producers who set these people up and make them do things like this:

Look at the genie referee!

I'm scared for you, but good luck Kaitlyn!

Wanted to end on a cuddly and positive note. 

See you next week!

Monday, 18 May 2015

The Bachelorette Premiere May 18, 2015 - Kaitlyn vs. Britt and their 25 Guys!

The Bachelorette Season 11 premieres tonight! In a controversial twist, Kaitlyn and Britt, from the previous Bachelor season with Chris Soules, battle it out for the Bachelorette title on the first night. The first episode airs Monday from 9 to 11 PM and the second episode airs on Tuesday from 8 to 9 PM. 

"So Kaitlyn will be there too?"

"Is this two Bachelorettes thing a Jimmy Kimmel prank?"

If you're a returning reader, how lovely to see you again! In case you've never been here before, expect recaps focused on the absurdities of this show. No spoilers and the recaps are clean. Meaning, nothing here is NSFW (not safe for work). Go ahead and read this blog at work. Work is seriously overrated. 

Speaking of work, I have a full time job and blogging is just a hobby. Recaps will be up on Tuesday or Wednesday after the show, as fast as I can post them. Bookmark this blog and check back!

In the meantime, here's your list of Bachelors. Info about them is directly quoted from the ABC site. Check it out the ABC website if you don't believe me. Here goes:

Ben H., 26, a software salesman from Denver, CO - Ben H. thinks that marriage is a "total sacrifice." Personally, when I think total sacrifice, I think goats on an altar or a lady in a volcano. It's not that bad Ben H., I promise.

Ben Z., 26, an entrepreneur from San Jose, CA - If he could have lunch with anyone in the world it would be his mom. Awww. That's nice. His mom would choose lunch with Matthew McConaughey but don't tell Ben Z.

Bradley, 25, an international auto shipper from Atlanta, GA - He's fearful that women won't get his "sarcasm." Well, Bradley, if they don't get you, they're not the right match. Or you're too sarcastic.

Brady, 33, a singer-songwriter from Nashville, TN - If he stays, I predict serenading.

Brady likely serenady. And possibly Jimmy Fallon's cousin.

Chris, 28, a dentist from Nashville, TN - His biggest date fear is that his date will eat his food. I hear you, Chris. Once, a date of mine ordered salad then ate french fries off my plate. Just, nope on that behaviour.

Clint, 27, an architectural engineer from Chicago, IL- I liked his answers on the ABC site. Except his favourite movie is Tommy Boy. Don't want to be watching that every weekend.

Tommy Boy and nachos await Clint's future wife

Corey, 30, an investment banker from New York, NY - He calls the Dalai Lama "an enlightened cat." Exactly how the Dalai Lama introduces himself at parties.

Cory, 35, a residential developer from Pearland, TX - Biggest fear is "finding out my date's really a dude." We're all really scared you're secretly a woman, Cory, so it goes both ways you know. Sigh.

Daniel, 28, a fashion designer from Nashville, TN - His most romantic present has been "support and love" because "buying stuff is easy." Don't expect presents from Daniel.

David, 28, a real estate agent from Orlando, FL - His biggest dating fear is that his date is just using him for dinner. Because women love to waste hours of their time for a free dinner. Advice to David: go dutch.

You can split the bill in 2015

Ian, 28, an executive recruiter from Los Angeles, CA - He wants to have lunch with Jimmy Kimmel. It's the Bachelorette, so he may even end up in a hot tub with Jimmy. Fingers crossed for ya, Ian!

Jared, 26, a restaurant manager from Warwick, RI - Volunteers at a summer camp for ill children. That's just nice, dude.

JJ, 32, a former investment banker from Denver, CO - I'm always curious about the people with the "former" jobs. What's the plan, JJ?

Joe, 28, an insurance agent from Columbia, KY - If Joe could choose anyone, he would want to have lunch with his grandmother who just passed away. And he'll get you a great rate on car insurance!

Jonathan, 33, an automotive spokesman, from Detroit, MI - Does this job mean he's the guy standing next to the car on that turning circle thing at an auto show?

Points at the Mazda enthusiastically

Josh, 27, a law student and exotic dancer from Chicago, IL - Guess we know how Josh paid for law school.

Joshua, 31, an industrial welder from Kuna, ID - His biggest date fear is that his mom will walk in and try to blow his nose. Don't think to hard about the Freudian implications of this statement.

Justin, 28, a fitness trainer from Naperville, IL - If he could be anyone for a day, he'd choose to be someone from a less privileged background. Can't make up my mind if I like or hate this answer.

Kupah, 32, an entrepreneur from Boston, MA - To Kupah, being married means, and I quote, "FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER." If you're 32, it's only 70 years tops, Kupah.

Ryan B., 32, a realtor from Wellington, FL - He biked across the country for a dog rescue. Was there no one local to rescue the pooch?

Goes the doggy distance

Ryan M, 28, a junkyard specialist from Kansas City, MO - His biggest date fear is "the person being terrible." Yup, that sums it up, Ryan M.

Shawn B., 28, a personal trainer from Windsor Locks, CT - I can't tell if he's kidding that One Direction is his favourite musical act. I love that he would want to be The Hulk so he could delight his nephew by saying "HULK SMASH." Hulk likes Shawn B.'s answer.

Shawn E., 31, an amateur sex coach from Ontario, Canada - Your job title is the reddest of flags.

Tanner, 28, an auto finance manager from Kansas City, MO - He loves when his date makes eye contact, and hates when his date gets sloppy drunk. Humble expectations there, Tanner. Think bigger, dude.

Tony, 35, a healer from St. Louis, MO - He admires his mom and thinks marriage means selflessness and growing. Possibly, you're on the wrong show Tony.

Readers, stay tuned for the recap of the premiere and Tuesday's special episode!