Tuesday, 26 May 2015

The Bachelorette Season 11, Episode 3 - Would You Rather Get Punched or Be Forced to Do Improv?

It's only the second week of Bachelorette, and I like it. This is the week of punching and punchlines. Let's bachcap.

Chris Harrison Drinks From a Mason Jar

In her sit-down with the host, Kaitlyn admits she wants the dream proposal. She's bought into The Dream. Chris Harrison has sparkling water with lemon in a mason jar. Getting too old for cocktails.

The Wrong Sort of Ring

For the first group date, the men are coached into becoming boxers by Laila Ali, daughter of Muhammad Ali. Kaitlyn is rocking the pink boxer shorts and gloves. The men are lucky they don't have to face Laila in the ring.

"Ohhhh, I can hear the bone crunching already!"

The obvious occurs: Much pummelling resulting in a head injury. How coercive is this show?! The guys had no choice but to submit. This is no better than throwing roosters in a ring and watching them tear each other apart. Fewer feathers, though.

We Want to Pump, You Up

Here's what we learned about the guys, besides the fact that they sweat buckets and punch like angry teenagers. Also, shirtlessness is not always your friend.

Ben Z. the Hunk likes cooking (good!), and by that he means BBQ tailgate parties (not good). As the winning boxer, he scored points and the date rose.

Kupah won a match but lost points by paying more attention to the punching bag than to Kaitlyn.

Daniel, the fashion designer, makes oddball jokes and casually drops French into the convo (je ne sais, he says).

Corey tells Kaitlyn she's out of his league. Should have faked it until you made it, AKA the JJ strategy.

Jared, ye ole times magician guy, was knocked out in the final match with Ben Z. If you shine a light into Jared's eyes, you can see right into his scrambled brain. He will magically transform a head injury into Love Points. He steals a kiss on his way back to the mansion.

You may not remember Tanner because he is too reasonable saying he was just focused on not getting killed. Good plan, Tanner. Justin is also forgettable as Kaitlyn's second choice fitness trainer (to Shawn). Ben H. lost his match, and his chance at making an impression.

Love hurts like a head injury

Date with Clint: AKA Subsurface Co-Portrait Experience

I like Clint because he drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops and his job title suggests he's at least a bit smart (architectural engineer). Clint scores points by agreeing with everything Kaitlyn says and talking in Very Brief Sentences.

For their one-on-one date, Kaitlyn and Clint meet someone with an embellished job title: Conceptual Underwater Photographer. Okay, let's start calling the Fitness Trainers: Anatomy Enhancing Creationers.

The date involves taking pictures under water. This is a weird trend because the people look drowned in most of the pics. But it all works out and He of Little Words gets a rose. Triceratops High Five!

Artsy or just a stupid idea

The Men Stand Up for Kaitlyn

The next group date is stand up comedy. The Bachelor(ette) premise was getting formulaic, so the producers had a choice: a) risk being stale or b) get in on the joke. This season, naughty comedian Amy Schumer joins in.

For this group date, the men are asked to do stand-up comedy bits. Possibly this is worse than getting punched in the face. As an audience, give me the punching thing any day. Summary = they were all terrible. These sets made last season's country songs with Farmer Chris seem Grammy worthy. What we learned about the guys:

JJ - As Amy Schumer said, he's a real sweetheart who's only missing: 1) charisma, 2) humility and 3) a sense of humour. Whatta catch! Amy played JJ so hard. But this is what you do with a guy who is so far into their own ego that they are oblivious to being ridiculed. When JJ laments that he's smarter than 90% of the audience, Amy Schumer reassures him: "You're not." JJ still doesn't get it. SHE IS MAKING FUN OF YOU. Amy hopes JJ will see this footage so he becomes "less of a turd." Miraculously, he's a turd with a kiss and a date rose. Kaitlyn, talk to Amy, will ya?

One person is not reading another person's facial expressions

Ian - Still seems like a great guy- he's the Princeton track dude who was almost killed in the hit-and-run. Ian goes in for a kiss, but it looks like the friend-zone.

Joe - Endearing Joe from Kentucky! He has high hair. He's sweet and genuine. He'll be snatched up soon if Kaitlyn doesn't pick him. There was a make-out.

Jonathan - This is the guy with the kid named Sky who liked Britt. He doesn't seem that into Kaitlyn. She likes guys with kids so maybe he'll stick around.

Joshua - This cute welder has never been in love before. This season's Becca?

Tony - Oh, Tony the healer. There is nothing more absurd than you doing stand-up. Sounded like a cross between an acceptance speech and a preamble to a meditation retreat. Later in the episode, Tony slips up and refers to Kaitlyn as Britt. Oops! Tony needs fewer cocktails and more plants. Tony's kind of like JJ in that he's so in his head he can't see The Other People. My tip for Tony: do not tell Kaitlyn she's a combination lock instead of a key lock. Women are not mysteries to solve. We are people, dammit. Namaste.

Cupcake Chris - The little dentist who could! In his minty fresh button down, Chris manages to show some confidence on stage. Brusha brusha brusha!

What you find when you google "Toothbrush with Microphone"

Cocktail Party

Briefly, Tony the Healer freaks out because of JJ's bragging. Then, the drama with Kupah. There are things I don't like about Kupah. Namely, he says he wants a "trophy wife" (yuck) and he strongly preferred Britt but stuck around for reasons unknown. But I do respect that he asked whether he was kept around as the Token Black Guy. The Bachelor(ette)'s record on diversity is abysmal. Kupah has every right to wonder whether he's playing this worn out role on the show. We see it on many seasons- there are 1 to 3 black contestants who get voted out by Week 3. Even if there's zero chemistry, no Bachelor(ette) wants to risk looking racist by voting out the people of colour on Week 1. Kudos to the producers on airing Kupah's musings on this topic. Even though it's not much, it's the first time this weirdness got acknowledged on this show. Can we have a Bachelor(ette) of colour please? It's TIME.

The rest of the drama interests me less, but it goes like this: Kupah asks Kaitlyn why he's still there, because he didn't feel chemistry, and Kaitlyn is offended saying she felt chemistry until that moment. She asks him to leave. Kupah tries to backtrack and insists he needs to stay. Message to all men: When a woman says, "I'm telling you it's bad," don't argue, believe her. Kupah makes a scene when they try to do a final interview with him pre-limo send-off. Kupah's just mad and Kaitlyn should just ignore him. But she goes outside to Kupah. TO BE CONTINUED. Annoying because none of us will remember the guys' names for the rose ceremony next week.

Britt and Brady Sitting in a Tree

Remember songster Brady who left to find Kaitlyn? Now they're boyfriend-girlfriend.

In the spotlight for one more week

It won't last, but Britt will get to reject someone and that will be better than leaving empty handed. Not a fairy tale ending, but she's for sure on Bachelor in Paradise, so it's better than a punch in the head in a boxing ring while Laila Ali laughs at you.

Don't do this to animals or Bachelorette contestants

See you next week!

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