Wednesday, 20 May 2015

The Bachelorette Season 11, Episodes 1 & 2: Hello Bachelorette Kaitlyn!

And the Bachelorette is....Kaitlyn! Here's your recap on the premiere (May 18) and the second episode (May 19). A spicy season awaits us all.

The Set Up

Kaitlyn: Knock knock
Guys: Who's there?
Kaitlyn: Two Bachelorettes
Guys: Two Bachelorettes who?
Kaitlyn: That's the joke
Britt: Jokes are stupid, and so is this premise
Chris Harrison: This is partly my fault but I will act empathic
Producers: Ratings!
Viewers: Grrrr

Chris Harrison called it "historic," but the Kaitlyn vs. Britt thing made everyone feel weird. Both women were just rejected by Farmer Chris. The producers could have chosen one Bachelorette while casting men who liked the chosen Bachelorette. But, you know, ratings.

Told to stand 10 feet apart - just to make it weirder

The night began with a cocktail party. Each suitor was asked to vote by putting a rose in either Kaitlyn's or Britt's voting box. Behold the custom boxes with rose-shaped cut-outs. You know there were interns testing out roses to make sure they fit in the boxes. Then a big bouncer guy unlocked the boxes because Chris Harrison had trouble with the locks.

A memo to all politicians: More people would vote if you used these boxes.

It's a very scientific process

The Bachelorette(s)

Kaitlyn and Britt as so different, but it really wasn't clear who would "win." Kaitlyn said she was nervous and unsure how to act (honest to a fault), while Britt was confident and said she was excited (positive to a fault). Most of the edit was focused on their emotional reactions and the men's voting preferences. My impression was that Britt was slightly ahead. Can we just get this over with?

Shattering this unfettered optimism is kind of mean

The Drama

A Junkyard Specialist named Ryan made a list of "Things You Should Never Do on TV" and  accomplished them all. Here's his list:
- Drink until you have jelly legs and spitty mouth
- Yell "you suck" to a guy in a hot tub car
- Touch women's private body parts without permission
- Talk excessively about your own arousal level
- Strip to your underwear and go in the pool alone while pouting
- Do a drunken roll, poolside
- Angrily throw your voting rose at the wall
- Exchange angry words with reasonable sober people
- Get escorted out by the Bachelor bouncer
- Get sent home in a white mini van

Check, check and check! Ryan is now back home with the rest of the junk. Chris Harrison said that Ryan was not kicked out for being drunk or inappropriate with Kaitlyn. That stuff is not a big deal, but: Don't. EVER. Mess. With. The. Roses.

What did that voting rose ever do to you, Ryan?

The Results

After all the men voted, Chris Harrison and the bouncer did a tally in a tiny notebook. Chris Harrison informed the women of the result verrrry slooowly to extend the drama. Britt "didn't see it coming at all" and she had a limo cry - it was painful to watch. Kaitlyn was super-excited to be the Bachelorette, but Chris Harrison appeared gloomy. Guess we know who else was on Team Britt.

For any conspiracy theorists out there, there's no way of knowing whether the producers stacked the deck by casting more Kaitlyn fans than Britt fans. I'm really happy for Kaitlyn, and she was my preference because of her sense of humour. That said, I hope that they paid Britt a ton of cash for involving her in these shenanigans. Chances are that she'll return for Bachelor in Paradise, unless some guy snaps her up before then. Good luck to you, Britt!

After Britt's departure, Kaitlyn had a rose ceremony to do. Tables, ye are turned. Please explain: At least 5 men voiced extremely strong preferences for Britt, yet they stuck around for Kaitlyn. What are their real motivations - fame, free travel, chance to be the next Bachelor? We're having a Right Reasons moment here. 


Shawn B. - Cutie who won the first impression rose. He's the only guy who figured out how to greet both women at once by giving a group hug. Kaitlyn's the reason he came on the show. Right Reasons Grade: 10 out of 10

We'll be seeing more of your side part, Shawn

Chris - Dentist with glow-in-the dark teeth who arrived in a cupcake - hey, betcha no one ever wrote that sentence before. Made a premature first move on Kaitlyn and kissing looked a bit off. Right Reasons Grade: 7

Ben H. - First one out of the limo. Sells software. Don't remember him. Right Reasons Grade: 5? 8? 2? No clue.

JJ - Flip-flopper who seemed to like Kaitlyn, voted for Britt ("a billon on a scale of 1 to 10"), then reassured by Kaitlyn and totally into her. JJ's really looking for the right match - the elusive woman with a warm body who breathes. Right Reasons Grade: 5

Joe - From Kentucky and has an obese black dog. Brought moonshine for Kaitlyn. Luckily, she did not go blind. Right Reasons Grade: 9.5

Kupah - Wanted Britt because she's a "trophy wife," defined as a young, attractive woman who serves as a status symbol for her husband. Low marks for his disrespect toward Britt (she's a person, not a trophy), Kaitlyn (he was so fake with her), and women in general. Right Reasons Grade: 1

Daniel - Fashion designer, seems to like Kaitlyn.  Right Reasons Grade: 7

Ryan B. - Realtor who seemed to like Britt more. Right Reasons Grade: 5

Joshua - Welder who WELDED A ROSE FROM STEEL for Kaitlyn. He should make more of those and sell them on ebay. Right Reasons Grade: 10

Tony - New agey, intense "healer" who said the exact same greeting to both women. He liked Britt's energy better (her voting box was "pulsating"), but stuck around for Kaitlyn. Kisses plants. Looks like he hitchhikes. Right Reasons Grade: 4

Clint - Goes straight to Britt out of the limo. Maybe he voted for her? Who cares about the Right Reasons Grade, he drew a picture of Chris Harrison on a triceratops!! 

Cory and Corey - I can't figure out which Cor(e)y is which. One went straight to Kaitlyn out of the limo, the other asked if her plowing offer from last season was still in effect. Right Reasons Grade: Let's say 7 for the pair

Jonathan - Has a 5-year old son named Sky and didn't mind the kid being filmed for the first episode. Was 100% on team Britt, but doesn't admit it to Kaitlyn. Go home to your cute kid, Jonathan! Right Reasons Grade: 3.5

Ben Z. - I also can't recall anything about this Ben. I think he has brown hair. Maybe he voted for Britt. Right Reasons Grade: Deferred

Tanner - Gave tissues to Britt, and was called out for it. Did he like Britt more even with that weird gift? Right Reasons Grade: 5

Ian - Ran track for Princeton until he was in a car accident. Recovered and is gaga for Kaitlyn. Doesn't show up too much in the previews, except for a confrontational scene with Kaitlyn. Right Reasons Grade: 8.5

Justin - Gives balloons to Kaitlyn after inhaling helium. Right Reasons Grade: 8

Jared - Wears a Love Man superhero outfit under his suit. Looks like a magician from the 1800s. Very truthful because told Kaitlyn he voted for Britt so he could start out honestly. Open to getting to know her. Right Reasons Grade: 7.5


Brady - Sentimental singer dude who was all about Britt. He left in the middle of the rose ceremony and was sent to her hotel. Chances are low for a match, but at least he's being real about who he prefers.


Josh - Heavily tattooed exotic dancer law student. Will be fine in life because has a huge stash of dollar bills and can always give you change for a $20.

Bradley - His joke about the tennis love match didn't work out so well. Better luck on the courts to you, Bradster.

David - He liked Britt more anyway. 

Shawn E. - Canadian who arrived in the hot tub "carpool" car, soaking wet. Needs to re-think his self-appointed title of "amateur sex coach" Said he studied online so he could always keep his relationship spicy.  Was this an internet course or self-directed web surfing? Bye!


Whoa on the previews: International travel! Nick the finalist from Andi's season! Several "I'm falling in loves"! And Kaitlyn regrets going too far in a moment of passion. Funny how Claire got blamed for the Ocean Incident on Juan Pablo's season, and it seems Kaitlyn will be blamed on this season. Here's to hoping she's not unfairly shamed like Claire was. If anyone loses the morality game it's the producers who set these people up and make them do things like this:

Look at the genie referee!

I'm scared for you, but good luck Kaitlyn!

Wanted to end on a cuddly and positive note. 

See you next week!

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