Tuesday, 28 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada - Season 2, Week 7: Hometowns, Eh?

Hometowns are the best. Meeting the families always offers a new perspective. Unless you're dumped before that can even happen. More on that later. Let's bachcap!

The Most Canadian Date Ever

The first hometown goes to Trisha in Edmonton, Alberta. Tim and Trisha don their hometown hockey jerseys. It's the Oilers vs. the Leafs as they head to the hockey rink for the most stereotypically Canadian date of all time. Luckily, Tim is great at skating and he shows this off to Trisha's delight.

"Let me hold your mitt, m'lady"

Outside the rink, Trisha wants to say she loves Tim, but she's hesitating so they must kiss the awkwardness away. And it's off to meet her family! Trisha introduces Tim to her grandparents, parents, brother, and best friend. She says she hopes that Tim likes oddballs. Kooky carnival music plays the entire time her family's on camera. One question: why is her grandfather wearing this anime samurai shirt:

Not exactly an expected grandparent outfit

They sit around a long table and a quirky time is had by all. Trisha's tiny mom notices that her daughter has "big feelings" for Tim. They all seem okay with Tim and he seems okay with them. When it's time to go, Trisha tells Tim that she's falling for him...and he answers: "I fell for you a long time ago." Whoaaaa! Rare reciprocation by a Bachelor. That never happens on this show. Tim and Trish share a humungo kiss. And scene.

Carry-Ons and Coffee Because I'm Falling Asleep

Sachelle and Tim meet up in Toronto to take a plane to Sudbury. This season is breaking all sorts of rules. I don't think I've ever seen co-travelling to a hometown. It gets weirder: the plane is grounded due to fog, so Tim and Sachelle end up having to walk around Toronto doing nothing for most of the day. You have to wonder why someone from production couldn't at least help with their carry-on luggage. They have to trek with the luggage through a park, then they sit on a bench having coffee. Most. Boring. Date. Ever. Finally, they get back to the airport and head to Sudbury.

Sachelle introduces Tim to her parents, her sister + sister's fiancé, and her overprotective brother. Her brother has already decided to give Tim a hard time. The brother has a full, lush beard and that totally intimidates Tim's relatively sparse stubble.

"My beard will dominate your stubble"

Sachelle's dad and brother don't buy into this whole concept, and statistics support their judgement on that one. The Bachelor (US/Canada) has a 1/18 track record for marriages (approximately - I'm too lazy to look this up tonight), and that's if Sean and Catherine can make it work. Judgement aside, the brother scares the bejeezus out of Tim, calling himself the Bad Cop (to the dad's Good Cop), and warning Tim, "DON'T hurt my sis." Sachelle is the golden girl of the family and he's in full protection mode. At the end, the brother says he decided not to hit Tim, so maybe that's a good sign? The bad sign comes when Sachelle says, "I love you" and Tim replies, "I hope so." He was talking really low, but I think that's what he said. Ouch. To the camera, Tim says he could imagine Sachelle as a mom and we know that means he's imagining her wearing a housecoat and hair rollers.

Yaya or No no?

April's hometown is in Wasaga Beach, Ontario. Never heard of it, but it seems like a nice place. She's been holding back with Tim because she had a rough family life. I'm impressed that she waits until hometowns to tell him. That pacing is more normal than letting it all hang out on the first date. April was raised by her Yaya and Opa (grandparents) so they go to the restaurant that Yaya and Opa used to own. In attendance: Yaya, Opa, a talkative aunt, and two girlfriends who are given zero airtime.

This family is really into evaluating Tim's "physique." His aunt says she falls for character, instead. Fair enough, Aunty. Then 89-year old Yaya (subtitled because that's what you get if you have an accent on this show) says: "You are very muscular, you like to do gym - I can see through you." Yikes. Everyone is so uncomfortable and Tim is sweating bullets. But a minute later she's saying: "You are very wonderful young man with lots of qualities inside you." Yay (huh)!

What happened to turn Yaya from No-No to Ya-Ya? All of a sudden she can see the "quality things" in his heart. Yaya has x-ray vision like Superman. Predictably, she ends by professing her love to Tim in German.

Compliment or x-ray vision?

April ends the date by telling Tim that she's falling for him. To the camera, Tim reveals he's falling "so hard" for her too. This couple is going strong.

The Italian Chickens Come Home to Roost

Tim travels to Calgary to meet Lisa. He greets her with a hug, no kiss. She decided to wear green nail polish for the date, making me even more sure that she'll be dressing up like Poison Ivy from Batman for Halloween. Tim gives Lisa one last chance to come clean re: the Italian bartender make-out session in Tuscany. He's heard conflicting reports from the other women and he asks for the Whole Story. Lisa says that she already told him "100%". Because Tim was not born yesterday, he says he can't meet her family in good faith and summarilly dumps her.

The classic "you've caught me" face

Lisa's this season's villain, so there are likely many cheering viewers at home (although she does have some fans). Lisa's interpretation is that Tim listened too much to the other women who saw her as a threat. Not hearing much remorse or responsibility here. As Tim leaves, Lisa says, "I knew it...I'm done." She just sort of smiles. Tim walks away and doesn't look back, and we won't either! The moral of the story: If you meet a hot bartender in Italy, stay in Italy. Ciao, Lisa.

Two to Tahiti

Tim decides that he has two strong connections so there are only two roses this week. The women are scared but pleased that Lisa's still in Calgary sending international text messages to the Italian bartender.

Two out of three of these dresses mean BUSINESS

Trisha is in full pageant gear with serious platform silver stilettos. April goes for a plunging neckline. Sachelle's cute but demure dress is the only one I'd ever wear, but it screams third place. Tim calls April first and Trisha second. Alas, Sachelle the seashell is thrown back to the sea.

The women tell Sachelle they love her. So much love this week! Then Tim and Sachelle share a teary goodbye. She goes into a limo and says she's sad to lose a future with Tim and have to start back at "square one." But it's not square one because she was pretty solid on the show and this is probably great dating PR. She's a good catch and, if her brother lets it happen, I'm sure she'll find love within the next year.

Coming Up Next

Tahiti!! What? The locations are pretty good this season considering it's a Canadian show. Next week is Women Tell All (Tyler the host is alive and still on the show?!?). I can't wait to hear them dish about Lisa's bartender encounter because that's how exciting my life is. I'm even more excited to see Tahiti! But we'll have to wait for that one.

Happy Halloween and see you next week!

Yaya would totally approve of this costume of qualities

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada - Season 2, Week 6: Pasta, Wine, and a Big Fat Lie

Welcome to Week 6 of The Bachelor Canada! This week in Tuscany was intense. It should have been all pasta and Sangiovese wine, but instead someone had a drunken make-out session. Yup, someone is here for The Wrong Reasons! But more on that later. Tyler the host is still missing. Could you imagine if Chris Harrison just disappeared midseason? Bachelor Nation would be rioting. Here's your recap:

Free Jewelry and an Accordion. 

Trisha gets the first one-on-one date with Tim ("Lets make the night sparkle") - a classic Tuscan date with a romantic dinner, gift, and walk around the city. It's the kind of date everyone wants for their honeymoon. The only thing that could make it more romantic would be this:

Now this is romance

She's obviously smitten and Tim says she brings out his silly side. Tim admits he's worried about getting to the end and getting rejected. That could happen, so good on him for being realistic. After dinner, Tim offers Trisha earrings and a matchy-match necklace with diamonds (or possibly cubic zirconias but we'll never find out). Trish's response: "Are you messing with me?" Alas, he is not messing and she keeps the jewelry which looks okay yet a bit like something you could buy at Sears, but it's free so whatever. Then they dance in a public square to the music of an accordion.

Trisha has no poker face

Trisha says that this date is like a movie, but better because it's real. And I feel a bit bad for her because this date was entirely conceived by producers who also picked out the jewelry as a product placement, and her boyfriend is dating four other people. But besides all that, it's totally real! In any case, they seem to get along and Tim says it was the most romantic date of his life. Awwwww.

Picture Perfecto (Except for the Part Where I Cheated on You)

The date card arrives: "A picture perfect date awaits." Invitees are Kaylynn, April, and Lisa. The women know that Tim hates bullies, yet Lisa is a bully and it's making them all bananas. Lisa isn't winning feminism points by saying on camera that her rivals are "the epitome of why I don't like females." Misogyny is kind of a molto grande (ginormous) red flag. Good luck to whoever ends up as Lisa's mother-in-law or daughter, because she does NOT like the females.

Flash forward to the next morning and all the women are in a room looking superbly uncomfortable. Turns out that they all went to a pub the night before and Lisa made out with a guy! OMG, this is so shocking because - they are allowed to go out to a pub?!? I thought that contestants were forbidden from leaving the hotel! What a revelation. The make-out is a bit less shocking. My husband can't understand why Tim can kiss everyone and Lisa can't. I tried to explain the Bachelor Code to him but we all know it's not logical, just the RULES AND THEY MUST OBEY. And Lisa's a redhead so bad behaviour is expected. This is totally going to be Lisa's Halloween costume:

Lisa would love this Poison Ivy look from Batman & Robin

Where were we? Oh yes, huge betrayal. The women decide to stay quiet (for now). The group outing happens as planned. Sachelle's blunt take: "Brockman's the only normal one on that date." This is what the date involves: Tim wears a huge diaper and eats an apple while the women paint him in an alley. The contestant who paints the best picture of Tim wins extra time with him. No one is that good at painting, but Lisa's the only one who knows not to make a cartoon so she wins.

"Drunk and Diapered" by April Brockman

Kaylynn has been crying for most of the episode and neither she nor April feel that it's fair for Lisa to get the reward of a date. Tim and Lisa go to a rooftop for dinner and she's squirming. Lisa's doing all the classic liar moves: fidgeting, giggling at weird moments, and touching her nose (yes, this is a common sign of lying - after I learned about the nose touching I can't help but notice when people do this). She's also saying things like, "I'm such a bad liar" thus proving her own point.

I saw this TED talk that said that liars always do this smile thing - the "I'm getting away with it" face. Lisa's totally making that face.

Tim looks a bit pukey, maybe he has a clue? After dinner, they sit on a bench and she gives what is likely a very diluted version of truth: She was at the pub, the bartender gave her a two-cheek kiss and then kissed her on the mouth. Tim says it's a shock but hugs her. Thankfully for Lisa he does not ask any follow-up questions which is just ridiculous.

Pizza di Seashell

Because we only have an hour for these episodes there's no time to reflect and here we are on Sachelle's one-on-one "slice of heaven" date. Tim and Sachelle go to the Buitoni test kitchen and an Italian chef shows them how to make pizza. The chef has a strong accent and they subtitle him which I always find a bit offensive. That poor chef thought he was totally killing it in English but, nope, not good enough for the Bachelor diction snobs. We didn't need subtitles to understand: here's flour and toppings now make a pizza. It kind of feels like an activity you would do with toddlers. So they make the pizza and go outside and Sachelle feels a weight on her shoulders. She hasn't been able to sleep thinking about Lisa's betrayal. Sachelle tells Tim a very different story than Lisa did: As per Sachelle, the women saw Lisa making out in the bar, tried to pull her away, but Lisa went back to keep kissing the random guy. Again, Tim misses the opportunity to get more details and just frowns. We don't get to see what happened at the end of the pizza date because WE'RE ON A SCHEDULE PEOPLE.

This situation totally reminds me of this time in college where we used to hang out with this girl who had a moustache. All of us were like, we have to tell her to bleach that moustache! But no one wanted to because that kind of honesty could kill a friendship. The person who would tell her would thus become the Moustache Martyr: she who sacrifices a relationship by revealing an uncomfortable truth.

The question: how does Lisa get away with these shenanigans?

Sachelle (Moustache Martyr) goes out on a limb, but we all know this could backfire. She says she's falling for Tim, but this kind of truth-move is always risky. He could feel she's gossiping, or tattling, or too concerned about his other relationships. This kind of discussion also puts a general damper on the date. Tim says he appreciates it, but now he's all "conflicted" and "distraught."

Hello Italy, Goodbye Good Judgement

Tim says that he's going with his gut. His gut has no clue. Roses go to Trisha, Sachelle, and April. Then there's a pause. Tim asks to speak to Lisa who lies a bit more and says "sorry." Kaylynn has been crying continuously which is not helping her so the final rose goes to....Lisa?!? WHAT??? Kaylynn says she feels anger, sadness, cheated, and broken. But she seemed more upset when Lisa was bullying her, and she's finally put out of her misery (she cried every single episode, multiple times). She needs someone who likes her a bit more than she likes them so she doesn't have to worry so much!

The real question: how far is Lisa going to get on this show? I'm kind of curious to see her family. Are they just a huge biker clan of evil redheads?

See you next week for hometowns!

Saturday, 18 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada, Week 5: Roller Coasters and Revolving Doors

Welcome to Week 5 of Bachelor Canada. Someone send out a Missing Persons report, Tyler the host has disappeared. It's like when North Korean leader Kim Jung-un went missing, except it's not the same at all and no one seems to care. But maybe Tim Warmels does care: he doesn't get to debrief with anyone and no one is there to announce his last rose of the ceremony. How does he handle it?!

Random thought, I wonder if Tyler ever met Chris Harrison in the Bachelor Underworld. I bet they had drinks in Chris's fiery den while rejected contestants were forced to serve the hosts hors d'oeuvres. Aaaaand...here's your recap!

Back in Toronto

Isn't it weird how Toronto is pronounced "Toronno?" This is where Tim Warmels lives and rides his motorcycle which cannot be confused with what Pulp Fiction would call a "chopper." Tim's Toronto look still has stubble - hopefully he'll shave when he proposes.

From Ocean Sharks to Pool Sharks

April gets the only one-on-one date with the awkward title of: "Let's hit the road so I can show you my world." Who thought up that gem? Tim picks her up on his motorcycle-not-chopper. I would be way less scared of swimming with sharks than going on that teeny motorcycle. But I'd be more scared of the death swing that Tim and Lisa went on. Have some free time? Make your own Bachelor Fear-Hierarchy!

Tim talks about spending 90 hours a week at the office and showering at work. April talks about her 7-year relationship that ended in betrayal. Tim seems smitten with her. Does anyone remember the first week when April said she was a lot of work but "worth it"? Someone should show Tim that footage. They go to the "The Raq" where they play pool. April is good at pool. She proposes a bet that Tim accepts: If she wins, she rides his motorcycle, but if Tim wins he gets a kiss. Predictably, he wins and gets the kiss. But how great would it have been if April won, drove Tim's motorcycle, and sent him off with a handshake? See ya, sucka!

Next time, don't let him win

Roller Coaster = Tired Bachelor Metaphor

Kaylynn, Lisa, Sachelle, and Trisha get invited to the Canada's Wonderland amusement park. Dominique is upset to be excluded and sees it as a bad sign. More on that later. It's nighttime, and the amusement park is closed down so the outing is private. I'm wondering if the rides are run by a carnie who looks like this:

"Wanna ride the teacups?"

Tim calls himself an "adrenaline junkie." This is never a good sign in a boyfriend. Someone who needs constant excitement will be reluctant to empty the dishwasher. Everyone on the date seems into it and they all go on a roller coaster together. Trisha is the most scared of rides and is concerned she will "charf" which I looked up and it means what it sounds like.

Trisha may not have won many pageants, but she wins for best facial expressions.

Lisa is in her usual mode, saying that the other girls are soooo dramatic and she's obviously the cool one. They go to have a hot rod race and Lisa is sure she'll win. Kaylynn does not know how to drive and reveals that Lisa "terrifies" her.

This picture was taken after Lisa ran over a squirrel

Somehow, Kaylynn manages to run Lisa off the track and wins the race! The other women get stuck in a diner eating fried dough and cotton candy (not so bad if you think about it), while Kaylynn kisses Tim in a fake drive-in car outside, where everyone can see. When Kaylynn returns, Lisa goes on the attack. Kaylynn could have won this one by staying cool and being unapologetic (remember Courtney from Ben's Bachelor season?). Or she could have stuffed that doughy pie in Lisa's face. Instead, the expected occurs and the conflict ends with Kaylynn crying in the bathroom.

I'm left wondering why the women are mad at Kaylynn, while Tim gets a pass. It's like when the husband cheats and the wife is only mad at the other woman. Really? In 2014? The women's relationships are supposedly with Tim not Kaylynn, so he should be the target of the angryfeels. But of course, that's too threatening to their security so the anger gets displaced. Sigh, this show is stuck in the 1950s like that diner.

One Return, One Loss and Tim Breaks Even

There's a revolving door at the hotel. First, Natalie the French teacher returns to get closure. She dyed her hair darker and looks more confident. She goes to Tim's hotel room and says she regrets leaving. Tim says he needs time to process her return.

But tell us how you really feel about Natalie's return

Another knock on Tim's hotel room door: Dominique, disappointed by her lack of one-on-one time, tells Tim that she's leaving. Was a date planned and Dominique left too soon? We'll never know. He noted regretting not giving her enough time. She seemed like a good prospect and it's his loss. Without naming names, she tells him to "be careful" about the women that are left. If he can't figure this out, I feel sorry for him. Even Dora the Explorer could easily solve this riddle.

Anyone else annoyed by all the Rimmel London ads? Enough with those pouty looks and that "on your lips" song. "On your lips! On your lips!" On my nerves.

Another Cold Weather Rose Ceremony

Since our host was kidnapped in Mexico, Tim's on his own for the rose ceremony. April already has a rose from her date. The other roses go to Trisha who didn't charf, Sachelle who may be in the friend zone, Kaylynn who cries instead of throwing dessert, and Lisa who overuses the expression "throw up in my mouth." Natalie gets the rejection closure she needed. She's not crying in the limo because it's just a 5-minute drive back to her place. She spends the rest of the evening making an eHarmony profile.

Potential Tim Wives

They Leave Out the Best Stuff

After watching the show, I went to read the Bachelor Canada blogs (I decided to stay in my pyjamas today). The editors must have cut some of the best footage. In April's blog, she said that she met Tim's best friend and his fiancée on their date. We also learn that Lisa drank WAY too much at the rose ceremony and ended up drunk and under the coffee table. She mentions that she blacked out and annoyed everyone. The other women refer to her yelling at Tim. She's so lucky this stuff didn't air. If she were on the American Bachelor, Chris Harrison would have been all over it! What else are you hiding from us, Bachelor Canada?

If you want to read the Bachelor Canada blogs click here.

Next Week

Tuscany! This show has a better budget than last season.

See you next week.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

They changed the night on me!

OMG, I thought this show aired on Thursdays! Recap will be up sometime this weekend. I'm glad they're out of the resort so I don't have to see Tim in rolled up khakis and open shirts. Not what this lady likes. See you this weekend!

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Bachelor Canada Season 2, Episode 4: If Only the Sharks Would Eat Tim's Outfits

Welcome to the recap of Episode 4 of The Bachelor Canada! We're in the Bahamas and Tim's still in the same outfit of rolled up khaki pants that look like capris, the open button-down shirt, and five o'clock shadow. Tim's uniform: Fabrio meets The Gap.

Tim's style icon

A general observation for this season is that the women don't seem that smitten. Most are saying things like, "I want to figure out if there's chemistry." From the looks of The Bachelor Canada Facebook page, the viewers are not sure about their chemistry with Tim either. He seems totally smart and he's serious about finding The One, but he also seems guarded and his appearance is too cultivated. Is it nerves? His personality? Hard to say. Tim's a tough nut to crack.

Cultural Commentary

As compared to the American show, Bachelor Canada has:
-Shorter episodes - While this wastes less of my time (appreciated) and there is less filler (great), it's hard to connect with anyone and the relationships seem rushed.
-Less of a host. I don't even remember his name and he's hardly been around since the first episode. Maybe he was eaten by a shark?
-Less competition, but maybe this is because no one is that into the guy.
-Less interesting locations, obviously has less of a budget.
-Bartenders (never saw a bartender on Bachelor USA, but I've seen them on this one!)

Natalie's Date: They Could Hear Crickets

Natalie gets invited on the first one-on-one. The date has no plan and they wander aimlessly. The conversation can be described as Awkward Strangers. She's completely nervous and they can't really talk normally. He doesn't offer her the date's rose, but she's not kicked off either. I can't blame her for choosing to pack it in early. Natalie goes home knowing she'd be cut later.

Back at harem headquarters, Lisa is using her favourite expression to describe Natalie ("bats**t cray") or any other women who ever expresses an emotion. She has a list of favourite adjectives, and this is her #1, with "badass" being #2. Her language choice implies that she is so tough, unlike these other girls. My question: Why is it so important to seem tough? It's not a reality television show about forming a street gang. When Natalie walks in and announces her departure, Lisa's all compassion and sad faces. No consistency between the trash talk and the trash walk, Lisa!

These Sharks Were Pre-Fed

The group date concept is awesome. April, Dominique, Kaylynn, Lisa and Sachelle go snorkelling with Bahamian sharks! We know that the producers would not set up something life-threatening, so it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. But then again, I'd love to do this and I know many people who would consider it a nightmare. I bet it's more dangerous to drink alcohol and swim than to be around those sharks. All the women go in the water for a little bit. Kaylynn is freaked out and timid because that's how she rolls. April is the only one with the guts to stay in the water with Tim and this scores her more points. I was kind of hoping for at least a minor shark attack at some point, but alas, the sharks must have been pre-fed.

They fed the sharks the sound guy before letting the women in the water

The after-swim party includes numerous make-outs, starting with Dominique. Her strategy is to smoulder and make intense eye contact. Then there are sloppy seconds, thirds, etc. to go around. If they only made Purell for the mouth.

Two-on-One Date: The Loser Scrams Midway

Trisha and Rileigh hang out with Tim on a boat. They make small talk. Rileigh likes philosophy, Trisha was previously engaged. Tim seems more at ease and a better match with Rileigh, but he appreciates that Trisha broke up an engagement and Rileigh is sent home. Don't think too hard, the whole thing is incomprehensible. Trisha and Tim frolic in the water and she gets a rose.

Rileigh doesn't seem that disappointed. She goes home, finds a political science major who appreciates her smarts, and they have higher quality conversations for the rest of their lives. The end!

No Choices Are Made

I won't leave you in suspense: Everyone gets roses in the rose ceremony because two women are already gone. Trisha already has a rose. April, Lisa, Dominique, Kaylynn, and Sachelle get to stay too. It looked like this was a last minute decision (Tim ran off to get an extra rose) but it was obviously already planned just to freak the women out for no reason.

There are six women left and they're all going with Tim to his hometown of Toronto. Looks like Natalie tries to come back (at least I think it's her that comes back). Ya, that's gonna turn out awesome for her.

See you next week, eh?

Friday, 3 October 2014

The Bachelor Canada - Season 2, Episode 3: Awkward Mexican Dancing

Welcome to the episode 3 recap of the Bachelor Canada, Season 2! In this episode, Tim Warmels and his potential-wife group fly to Los Cabos, Mexico and underwhelm the locals with their dancing. Here's the entire recap:

Cringe-Worthy Glamour Shots

Maybe because he's some tech guy and they want to up his desirability, Tim Warmels gets many romance novel glamour shots. This week's winning look: Tim with perma-stubble, on the beach, rolled up khaki pants (they look like capris), and completely unbuttoned shirt. 

Give it a rest Fabio

No self-respecting woman would let her guy walk around like that. If he were on New Girl, he'd have to put a dollar in the Douchebag Jar. If you haven't seen New Girl Season 1, it's like a swear jar and you put money in it if you're acting like a douche.  Tim's outfit would qualify but it's probably not his fault he's asked to dress like Fabio.

Tim's photo ops will fill up this jar

The Death Swing of Love

Tim takes Lisa on the first one-on-one date because of her "amazing coolness", meaning she has tattoos and uses the word "badass" in everyday conversation. The other women call Lisa "sassy" and "edgy" while making faces like they smell something bad. In Canada, that's how you do trash-talking. 

Seems like there's another thing for all of us to put on our "I Never Want To Do This" list, and it's the Death Swing. Imagine a swing that drops you hundreds of meters into the middle of a canyon. No gracias.

Lisa astutely observes that adrenaline-inducing activities bring people together. I learned about this in Psychology 101. There's this classic experiment whereby some men are asked to walk across a scary, shaky bridge and some men walk across a stable bridge. The scientists put a woman at the end of the bridge. The guys on the shaky bridge were more likely to accept a phone number from the woman at the other side and call her later for a date. These men felt arousal (fear) on the shaky bridge and misattributed it to attraction. The Bachelor franchise knows about this experiment and uses these kinds of scenarios to manipulate the contestants into falling in love. Oh, science! 

Science knows that this can't last

The experiment succeeds. Tim likes Lisa's "confidence," and she gets the rose. These two don't look or sound like a couple. I can't picture him sitting on her couch watching Sons of Anarchy, but whatever, she has the rose and survives the week. 

Tim and Kaylynn: Cry-Comfort-Calm and Repeat

Kaylynn the ballerina is embarrassed about crying last week. A bunch of the other girls are like coyotes who can smell her weakness, with Martha leading the pack. They roll their eyes, and Kaylynn's crying again. Kaylynn knows it's bad, but keeps having flashbacks of the ballerina bullies in her boarding school. She admits, " I cannot go any lower emotionally." Someone get this woman out of here!

Trisha says that Kaylynn can't act like that and expect that no one will make the above facial expression

Kaylynn's dynamic with Tim is this: She cries, he comforts her, she's fine for five minutes, she cries again, and repeat. She sticks to this, later going to his hotel room to say she's embarrassed about the crying but she's still crying. He holds her hand and she's fine for a minute. It's telling that neither can tell how messed up this is!

The Local Mexican Dance of Awkwardito

The next date is with Martha (Mexican-Canadian), Sachelle, Jenny, and April Burlesque. They think they're going for tacos, but instead they get stuck doing a Mexican mariachi dance performance. As they practice, Martha thinks she's the best and affirms that Sachelle's a bad dancer, to her face (ouch). Martha likes her home country but she does NOT work for Tourism Mexico. 

The practice session was pretty embarrassing, but the actual performance made me want to hide under my chenille throw. They look like a bunch of poorly prepared middle school students at a talent show. The tourists clap, having been paid handsomely in guacamole vouchers by the Bachelor producers. Tim picks Sachelle for a one-on-one after-date because she was least in her element but still had fun (i.e., they are equally bad dancers). I think April Burlesque says that she has the "major bummerdoos." After watching that dance, we all have the bummerdoos, April. 

On the Sachelle-Tim date we learn that both had partners cheat on them. Aaaaand, it's officially the season of the victims and underdogs (except for Lisa.) Tim feels a "crazy spark" with Sachelle and she thinks he's her boyfriend so does that mean he's cheating on her already? 

Urgent Wife-Finding Mission

Tim was supposed to have a volleyball date with Natalie, Rileigh, April Not Burlesque, Dominique, Trisha, and Christine. Tim feels a "sense of urgency" to get to know everyone better. He cancels the date so he can talk to all the women prior to the rose ceremony. The above six women still have to wear the skimpy team bikinis with "Bachelor" written on the bum. 

I agree with Tim that watching people play volleyball won't help him get to know the women. But he's effectively turned this episode into speed dating with him as the only guy. Boring for the women and the viewer. Trisha observes that they are forced into being "creepy" observers. What does that make us viewers, Trisha?

April Not Burlesque is crying near the ocean because she so wanted the volleyball date. Tim is attracted by crying females and rushes to her.

Lisa can't understand all the crying. Fun fact: she once had a root canal and declined the freezing because crying's for babies, people.

April says that Tim's a Greek God (oh c'mon) and she's afraid she'll turn to stone if she looks at him. The only stone is in Lisa's heart so April shouldn't worry.

When April and Tim leave the ocean, the mood is tense because everyone else is jealous. He helps matters by saying that four women are going home instead of two. So now everyone's crying, but do they even know this guy? They'd do better on eHarmony but what do I know.

May the Criers Reap All the Rewards

The first two roses go to the biggest criers:
-Kaylynn from ballerina bully boarding school
-Trisha the pageant contestant who may or may not have won any titles

The next roses go to other vulnerable types:
-Sachelle who was cheated on
-April Not Burlesque who cried near the ocean

Finally we also have roses for:
-Natalie the French teacher
-Dominique who seems too tall for Tim
-Rileigh who gets little airtime 

Going home:
-Martha the failed ambassador for Mexico, who decides to become a mariachi dance teacher.
-Christine the music teacher. She seems nice and later finds a great guy and gets married. But everyone mocks her for that cheesy song from the first episode for the rest of her life.
-Jenny who "didn't feel it" for Tim anyway. Did anyone see Lisa crying about her departure? Intense. At least she made one connection on this show!
-April Burlesque who makes everyone cheer when she leaves but they all feel super awkward about it.

No one seems that upset to go because WHO is this guy anyway? He reminds me of a soggy burrito, metaphorically. And the stubble, enough already.

Next week: the Bahamas!