The Bachelor Canada: Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: They're Still Pretending It's California

Welcome to Episode 2 of the Bachelor Canada! To sum it up: it's still freezing outside. Here's the longer version of what went down:

The Ballerina Falls

Tim offers his first date to Kaylynn, the very sensitive ballerina. He's looking for a girl who sobs easily.

I'm impressed that The Bachelor Canada has the budget for a helicopter. They fly up to Grouse Mountain so they can go on a gondola. The post-apocalyptic landscape of snow and more snow makes them hungry - they actually eat the food. The Bachelor usually provides plastic inedible food so this is a change of pace.

Does anyone else find that Tim Warmels sounds like Tim Gunn from Project Runway? Also, I'm still hoping he'll shave.

Tim Warmels wears a bathrobe sweater

Tim Gunn is critical of bathrobe sweaters

On their date, Kaylynn talks about going to ballerina school, being teased, and only seeing her mom twice a year. What a lonely childhood and she's not over it. They talk about how "this does not feel weird at all" which is something you say when things feel a bit weird. Then she reveals to the camera that it's "the most unbelievable connection I've had in my whole life." Yikes. She gets the rose.

Row, Row, Row Your Dragonboat

It's early in the season with too many women so they set up a big date where two teams compete for Tim. Blue Team: Alison, Dominique, Lisa, Renée, and Sachelle. Yellow Team: April Burlesque, Jenny, Martha, Rileigh, and Trisha.

Vancouver in the winter? Perfect for a dragonboat race! Tim is rowed into the scene by some miserable looking drangon-boaters in the freezing rain. He holds a bullhorn while the contestants humiliate themselves to get a moment of Tim's attention. The Yellow Team wins because Jenny is a personal trainer.  They head to some Chinese gardens and are further degraded by being forced to wear matching cheongsams (I googled it, that's what those dresses are called).

They toast to losing all traces of dignity and individuality. Then the dragon on the top left bites off Trisha's head.

We learn that April Burlesque was raised on a hippie farm and has a stage name of Suicide Stacy because that's how a hippie child rebels. We also learn that Trisha has been "obsessed" with pageants since she was a little girl. They allow swearing on The Bachelor Canada, and Rileigh wants "fake Tim" to "cut the s&*%." Rileigh, they would have to cut the whole show to do that.

The rose goes to Trisha. Tim's like a bull: Totally attracted to red flags.

Photo Shoot It's Raining Again

Tim "surprises" the ladies in their PJs. They just happen to be all standing around the kitchen in negligees. Fun fact: the word "negligee" comes from the French word for neglected. Like how Tim neglects to shave always.

The four-on-one date is a Rimmel photo shoot with Sonya, Christine, Natalie, and April Not Burlesque. Tim gets to pick one woman for a date after the shoot. This is getting redundant, but it's freezing cold and raining outside.

Christine and Tim lounge in bathing suits and we get a nice shot of his Cinderella carriage tattoo, which he reveals is a cover up for another tattoo. A former lover's name perhaps?

April Not Burlesque gets a cute houndstooth dress. 

April hovers over the stubble

In their photo shoot, Natalie and Tim kiss and she has "hearts spinning around me like a cartoon." Bleh, she'll be over him soon enough. Sonya (who Tim calls "mature") is sent home in a Hyundai due to lack of chemistry. She seems nice, but she kind of looked like his aunt in those photos. 

The other three contestants stand around in their bathrobes and Tim picks April for the one-on-one. Tim and April hang out under a blanket, do meta-talk about The Relationship, and watch one of the better musical acts I've seen on this show. No idea who the singer was but the song was vaguely familiar so that's better than usual.

Jealousy and White Wine Don't Mix

A difference from the American show: Bachelor Canada has bartenders at rose ceremonies. And earlier, Tim opened his own bottle of alcohol. I know you really care about these details so you're welcome.

Kaylynn is losing it. She has a rose yet feels completely insecure. Martha tries to comfort her but her approach is too direct and Kaylynn feels invalidated. She is allowed to have her FEELINGS and why is Martha such a bully?

Kaylynn confuses "talking" with "bullying"

Everyone moves outside for the hypothermic rose ceremony. Roses go to:

April Burlesque (AKA Suicide Stacy - anyone else feel uncomfortable with this name?)

Christine who sang a song last week

Sachelle not seashell

Martha the Bully

Dominique from Quebec

Jenny who can row

Lisa the evil redhead

April Not Burlesque

Rileigh who wants Tim to keep it real on a fake show

Natalie the French teacher

Going home: Alison (Habs fan from Montreal) and Renée, the ER doctor who has better things to do. Tim has lipstick on his collar.

It's not over yet. Tim, attracted by a red flag goes to talk to Kaylynn who is full on crying, saying she "can't stand bullying" even though no one did that. He comforts her and she's calmed and the dysfunctional dynamic of their relationship is established. 

Next week they go to Cabo because it's a reasonably priced destination and people are getting frostbite.

Canadians can also build pyramids

I'm underwhelmed by Tim Horton with the Tim Gunn voice, but I'll watch anyway. See you next week!

The Bachelor Canada Season 2 Premiere: It's Canada, We Need Coats Please

Welcome to Season 2 of The Bachelor Canada! Apparently, Tim Warmels, this random guy, is Canada's most eligible bachelor. Okay, we'll accept your premise, Bachelor Canada. Tim's a former investment banker turned tech start-up owner. He also owns his own "boutique" construction company meaning he does not have any employees and does all the work himself. You need a toilet installed, Tim's your man. He also plays hockey, obligatory for a Canadian bachelor. I feel like calling him Tim Horton but I'll try not to do that.

Canada's best catch should have bothered to shave, n'est ce pas?

The season opens with some classic shots of our bachelor. Tim Warmels in rolled up khakis on the beach (they made him do that), Tim Warmels with aviator sunglasses in a private jet (not his own jet), Tim Warmels in a fancy hotel (bill paid by City TV), Tim Warmels showering (reassuring us that he is clean), Tim Warmels rocking the Zoolander "Blue Ice" look. You get the picture.

Cameras in the bathroom, not creepy at all! Nice Cinderella pumpkin-carriage tattoo, BTW.

We are introduced to the contestants. There is a different look to the Canadian vs. American show. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe the Canadian shows seems less heavily produced? The host, Tyler Harcott, contributes to the Canadiana vibe. He's more goofy than Chris Harrison. We meet:

• Natalie, a French teacher who has a worse French accent than me. That's saying something.
• Renée, an ER doctor from Quebec who surely has more important things to do.
• April Brockman who waves her red flag immediately: "I'm a lot more work than other women but I'm worth it." Run, Tim, run.
• Jennifer, a Joyologist whose cute dog redeems her job description.
• Trish, a Pageant Queen who admittedly has not won any titles. Does this mean she just pays to be a contestant and always loses? How depressing. She's a queen of her own living room.
• Victoria, expert waxer who "vaccuums a different carpet" (ewwww) and does burlesque on the side.

You'd be joyful too if you had this jaunty pooch

Anyone notice the Rimmel make-up product placement? Lancôme was like, no thanks Bachelor Canada. 

Everyone wears their most flattering bridesmaid dresses to meet Tim. We get a lot of shots of shoes coming out of limos. And the awkward introductions begin! We're going to promptly forget about 10 of these 25 women so I won't go through them all. We can tell who Tim likes (watches them as they leave and keeps smiling) vs. those he does NOT like (turns back toward the limo with a tight-lipped smile). Rileigh gives Tim shots (so he smells boozy for the rest), Sachelle offers a seashell to help him remember her name, Trisha wears an enormous pageant sash, Alison cheers for the Habs, Renée the ER doctor gives a prescription for a good night, Jenny offers a flower pot then takes the pot inside, and April Borgnetta does a burlesque show that makes timid Tim jump out of his shiny shoes. He got scared by the confetti gun. For real. 

We have a problem with two April B.'s. Let's call them April Burlesque and April Not-Burlesque, okay? 

The Cocktail party is warmer in spirit than on the American season. Everyone immediately becomes besties. Jennifer Joyologist is the group therapist and the women love her. She's like the Jewish grandma they all need. "You're perfect, you're gorgeous, be yourself!" she tells them all. Then she insists they eat the danish she brought ("you look too skinny bubbalah!").

One for all and all for one man! Wait a minute...

The cocktail party is the usual revolving door of getting-to-know-you banalities where no one learns anything about Tim yet immediately decides he's the perrrfect guy. And then there's Kaylynn (ballerina who is drunken slurring or maybe she talks like that?) - she's already insecure and crying, I hope she can handle all this. April Burlesque tells a confusing story: she had a birthday wish to be a cheerleader so she had a cheer day and was a cheerleader all day. What does this even mean? Rebecca bakes an apple pie that looks pretty darned yummy. April Not-Burlesque is wearing the world's shiniest sequin red dress because, you know, she's WORTH IT.  

Christine the music teacher sings a song she wrote. The song is cheezola and the other women determine that she is quote, "cray cray." But Tim loves it and she gets the First Impression Rose. Another rose goes to Natalie the French teacher who wears a wedding dress. Sachelle (not Seashell) gets a rose for seeming cute and honest, but she can shoot a gun very well so watch out. Lisa is pegged as the villain because she made someone's martini glass break. And she has red hair which means she must be evil. Trish the Pageant Hopeful (this is a more accurate moniker) is worried she "might not be good enough." Oh honey, maybe the Joyologist, will take you as a client.

Rose ceremony time! Everyone is freezing outside because it's Canada but the producers want to pretend it's California.

It's freezing out here, hurry up Tim Horton.

And the roses go to:

• April Burlesque - she'll wax you till you cry, then scare you with confetti guns
• April Not-Burlesque - because she's WORTH IT
• Alison - Habs fan
• Dominique - intense starer in black dress
• Jenny - won't give Tim the flower pot
• Kaylynn - crying ballerina, overcommitted already
• Lisa - red haired villain in fur made from innocent puppies
• Martha - Mexican-Montrealer fashion buyer
• Renée - could be saving people's lives but here instead
• Rileigh - philosophy student with shot glasses
• Sonia - mature lingerie model
• Trisha - pageant hopeful who says she was at Miss Universe when she was only in the audience

Already with roses:

• Sachelle - not seashell
• Nathalie - French accent needs improvement
• Christine - sings a homemade song in an elaborate red dress

Those provided with a one-way Via Rail ticket home:

• Andrea - purple dress?
• Jacqueline - tall blonde
• Jennifer - charismatic Joyologist who goes home to cute dog
• Jewel - accountant in silk dress with basketball
• Kelsey - opens champagne with a sword
• Raelee - Canada chose her but Tim did not, and is that a real name?
• Rebecca - pie rejected
• Ritiuska - Venezuela is not Tim's favourite country
• Sarah - long spine tattoo 
• Sharan - back to working in IT

The winner gets the maple-leaf engagement ring, pictured above

Can't wait for another episode of the Bachelor Canada. You'll be watching, eh? I know I will!

P.S. Recaps likely to be posted on the weekends. À bientôt!

It's cold in Canada, let's snuggle!

Tim Warmels is looking for love. Tonight is the premiere of the Bachelor Canada! This will be interesting. Tim says he likes to read Scientific American more than People magazine (see interview here). Maybe that's how he got roped into this fiasco. Should have done your research, Tim! Just kidding, I'm sure it'll be an awesome season! We'll keep hoping for the best case scenario: a happy couple and 23 miserable women. My recap will be up this weekend! 

Please accept this rose of reality TV ignorance. 

Bachelor in Paradise Season 1 Finale: Commit Now or Get Out

Bachelor in Paradise managed to pull off a dramatic season finale. It was less heavy-handed and a little more light-hearted than the usual Bachelor(ette) seasons. Without further delay, let's bachcap!

In the Real World, No One Dates Anyone They Met at Club Med

What happens on vacation should stay on vacation - except at this bizarro-world resort. The episode opens with Chris Harrison putting the relationships to the "test" by asking whether they can make the transition from paradise to real life. If not, they must pack up and leave paradise immediately. 

"So you're saying that this is a "test" but unlike those communicable disease blood tests we took before the show?"

Everyone looks like they have stomach cramps as they receive this news. They are fearful that Chris will know if they are faking it. Off-camera, there must have been threats. "If you don't end up dating in real life, we'll make you refund us for this lousy vacation." 

"If you try to fool us, we'll bill you for accommodations, your dates, and every single tequila shot."

If You're Looking for AshLee, She's Under the Bus

Michelle decides to ignore her own conflicted relationship and throws AshLee under the bus of love. She cannot tolerate that Graham does not perceive AshLee's faults. Michelle is wrong, Graham was not fooled, he was just too scared to call it off. With Michelle's permission, he's ready to deliver the dumpage. See, he cannot deal with upsetting the women in his life, and now that he knows that Michelle will be upset if he DOESN'T dump AshLee, he can upset AshLee. It's guy logic, don't ask me to explain further. 

The unsuspecting AshLee is devastated but she previously threw Clare under the bus (when she told Zack to dump Clare) so it's BiP karma and no one feels bad for her except maybe that sympathetic raccoon. But the raccoon liked Clare better so he just stands there, arms crossed as she gets into the reject SUV. On his end, Graham expected to feel relief (because he was just waiting to break up with AshLee) but he feels "sad" instead. Hopefully the sadness is somewhat related to the fact that he strung someone along because he was too scared to do the right thing five episodes ago. AshLee then grossly overestimates this show's viewership when she says she's embarrassed to cry in front of 10 million people. This isn't Big Bang Theory, AshLee. No matter, this terrible match is finally over and I feel the relief that Graham does not feel.

As For the Others

Tasos and Christy know they're fooling no one and promptly part ways. Tasos expresses, "I feel this distance, this disconnect between us." He's referring to the distance between complete strangers asked if they now want to get married. Tasos goes back to coordinating weddings and getting set up with bridesmaids. And we all hope that Christy is inspired to date fewer Jesses and more Tasos-types.

Zack is willing to stay on, but Jackie is sick and tired of playing Revolving Boyfriends. Zack goes home and writes a children's book. Seriously, this is his job (click here if you don't believe me). Jackie goes home and spends quality time with her cat who is an island of calm in the turbulent sea of dating.

Sarah and Robert stay together for now. Lacy and Marcus are too intertwined to get off the couch, so they stay too.

You're not sitting close enough

Michelle is very conflicted. Cody is way ahead of her with his relentless feelingsvomit and she is not sure she can "catch up." She calls her young daughter for advice, saying she's not sure what to do about the "cute boy" she met. I'm assuming she means Cody. Her daughter gives the kind of generic, sound advice you give to those friends who are prone to freaking out. Example: "Make sure you have things in common!" Michelle is inspired to stay and give beefy Cody a chance. 

Fantasy Suite Tooth

Chris shows up and the three remaining couples are on the couch (Marcus-Lacy, Robert-Sarah, Cody-Michelle). Our host says that they will all go on Fantasy Suite dates and urges them to have those "real, difficult" conversations that no one really has in real life, because this dose of meta-talk about looooooove and feeeeelings may just kill you. 

Sarah and Robert have their special date in the redundantly named ZenSerenity. Sarah is excited because she watched the Bachelor fantasy suites dates when she was "growing up." That explains it! This show warped her developing brain and made her think that this way of dating is normal. She should sue for damages. 

Lacy and Marcus are so sugary I think I got a cavity just watching. I heard: "you complete me", "I love you!" (from Lacy too this time) and "my heart's all yours!" Basically, things that no one ever says unless they're starring in Jerry Maguire. 

Michelle tells Cody that he won't get lucky (but...)

Hulk Got Woman Now

The day after the fantasy suites, Lacy and Marcus are beaming. But the big shocker is that Cody and Michelle are now a bonafide couple. There were some, um, big, surprises in the fantasy suite that Michelle is VERY enthusiastic about. There is much bleeping of her words which are not safe for television and I'm hoping that her daughter is not watching this. Cody said he marked some things off his bucket list and that she "broke the code." Michelle went from ambivalent to adoring. Guess Cody's got some skills.

Cody, stop being so subtle, tell us how you really feel

Dumped for Sleeping in his Jeans

Sarah's looking at the other couples and feeling that her "good night's sleep" doesn't measure up. She's disappointed because instead of late night talking and cuddling, Robert turned off the lights, blew out the candles, and went to sleep early. In his jeans. This is a tough one. Was Robert just taking it slow, or do non-actions speak louder than words? She sends him packing and it's probably the right decision. Although he is nice, she needs someone a little more enthusiastic but less enthusiastic than Cody who looks like blood might squirt out of his biceps. 

In an awkward twist of fate, Sarah and Robert live near each other. They go home and keep running into each other in Whole Foods. When she sees him her brain goes "Jeans-Jeans-Jeans" and she runs to the organic yogurt aisle.

The Elders Gather Round

On this show, if you manage to date someone for at least a year you're qualified to give condescending advice to other people about relationships. Never mind that after 18 seasons of the Bachelor, there are only 2 marriages; one is less than a year old (Sean and Catherine), and the other was between the Bachelor and the runner-up contestant (Jason and Molly). In paradise, these two couples plus engaged Des and Chris are brought back as know-it-alls to give advice to the two new couples. Luckily Brooks is not there because that would have been so weird since Des had him as her first choice on her season.

After a year of marriage, Catherine doesn't seem at all sick of listening to her husband talk

"Is Brooks still here?"

The elders ask probing questions of the new couples, like do they know all the little things about their partners? I'm sorry, but if they haven't had to deal with laundry/dishes/in-laws they know NOTHING about the little things about their partners. Michelle, it matters not if you know your boyfriend likes pizza and cookies because literally everyone likes pizza and cookies. We also find out that Lacy loves Marcus's 1970s chest hair which is great because he loves her 1980s lipstick.

The Finale of Final Roses

There still has to be a final rose ceremony of uselessness. Cody and Michelle exchange roses and Michelle says she's in love. Everyone has whiplash from that turnaround. Cody went from overbearing to adored and plans write a what-to-do-in-the-fantasy-suite guidebook.

Marcus is sweating profusely and asks for alone time with Lacy. So he can show her this:

Marcus proposes and Lacy hears: "bling bling bling!"

The producers had a few of these Neil Lane rings lying around, just in case. Everyone congratulates the happy couple. They do seem sweet together. Lacy softens Marcus's intensity. He's so good looking and they both seem to be nice people. Mazel tov. 

Chris Harrison gets a bonus from ABC for delivering a proposal this fast

Epilogue

Chris the Farmer is the Bachelor in January 2015 - and Cody's his trainer so we expect that Chris will be looking slightly inflated in no time. Cody's moving to Utah to be near Michelle and her daughter. We learn that Graham deleted his Istagram account (implied that this is to prevent AshLee's stalking). Chris and Elise broke up after two weeks and I can't believe it lasted that long. Michelle K. and Ryan Putz (camera man) are as broken up as his legs. Marcus and Lacy, as per ABC, are getting married in the spring, but they gave an interview saying they want a year-long engagement at least (read their People interview here). And Chris Harrison is as happy as the cat who swallowed the canary. He made a love match and he's so darned smug about it.

What we did learn is that it's just as effective to throw a bunch of people together in a low-budget resort as it is to put them through the extravagant hoopla of a Bachelor or Bachelorette season. ABC likes this return on their investment and decides to renew Bachelor in Paradise for a second season. I'm 80-40 on this being a good idea. 

Hope you enjoyed this season of Bachelor in Paradise! If not, go talk to a sympathetic raccoon. Let's end this season with some excellent raccoon dating advice:

Don't date a cheater!

Stay off of televised dating shows!

Remember to do lots and lots of cuddling!

True story, these raccoons are consultants for the next season.

See you in January 2015 as Chris the Farmer looks for an Iowa wife. For the Canadians, see you for Bachelor Canada starting on September 18, 2014! 

Bachelor in Paradise Finale: Recap Coming Soon!

What did you think of the finale? A bit surprising, I thought! Since I have to keep up with my normal employment and stuff, the recap will be up Tuesday night, probably around 10 PM EST. Until then, let's celebrate that this show is coming back next season (confirmed here). More tomorrow! Love, Rachel

Bachelor in Paradise: Love Amidst the Selegments and Stalaglights

Paradise is nearing its end - this was the last week of rose ceremonies and newcomers. Let the recap begin!

Rose Ceremony Aftermath

After last week's rose ceremony, Marcus and Lacy are in the only mutual, loving relationship. In the Never Going to Work category, there are Graham and AshLee, and Cody and Michelle. The Meh category includes Robert and Sarah (although I want it to work), and the new couple Zack and Jackie. In the Boozy category, there's Jesse and Christy.

This Selegment, Brought to You by ABC

Marcus receives the first date card and asks his wife Lacy to go. Marcus has said that he loves Lacy, but she hasn't said it back. They go down into a cave and Lacy requires a lesson in cave terminology. She's impressed by all the selegments and stalaglights! Good thing that Lacy's charming so it doesn't matter that she can't pronounce this stuff.

"Did you say staligmalite or stamicdalite?"

Lacy is scared by the tiny fruit bats in the cave. Marcus gets to be her protector, but he seems really scared too. I'm not scared of flying bats, but I would be worried about all the bat poo in the water. For some reason, the producers decide to show many random shots of Mexican wildlife as Lacy gets closer to admitting the obvious (she loooooves Marcus). This segment is like the National Geographic channel, but with more ridiculously complicated mating rituals.

This monkey is disappointed when you don't admit you're in love

Lacy finally says she loves Marcus and all the animals come out of the jungle and do a choreographed musical number, Disney style.

Let's Break Up, Actually Forget It 

Michelle is reasonably weirded out that Cody has said he loves her. He's also bought an engagement ring, set the date, and booked the honeymoon. She needs space but his muscles take up all the room. She confronts him and it seems like she's breaking it off. But all of a sudden, she's saying that they'll work to create a strong foundation! There must have been a missing scene here. What just happened?!?

Then there's Sarah and Robert. Previously, it seemed like Sarah was the one worrying that Robert would reject her. But enter Brooks (Desiree's season) and she's ready to break it off with Robert! Seems like she had a pre-show crush on him. Hmmmm...anyone else think that they asked the contestants beforehand: "Which Bachelor alumni do you want to meet?" And then the producers tried to bring on their crushes to stir things up. Suspicious, right?

Brooks also wants to ask Sarah out but Robert has called stampsies no erasies on Sarah so it's a no go. Sarah looks very sad and she is literally saying it's over with Robert. But he writes her a cute note and they sit under lanterns. All of a sudden, she's asking him about moving forward in Real Life and Brooks is forgotten. They plan a romantic date at Whole Foods and Sarah's falling in love. Another deleted scene or are we expecting too much consistency from these people?

It was you all along, except for this morning when it wasn't

Is Casa Banana the Real Name of this Restaurant?

The Bachelor franchise is lazy about dates on this season. When Brooks asks Jackie out (because Sarah is taken and Zack does not stake his claim), they go for dinner in the most normal of restaurants. Whoa, a date on this show that does not involve a private round table with plastic food?! Unbelievable. They don't have much in common and Brooks finds Jackie too cute to pay attention to what she's saying. Not sure that's a compliment.

Jackie's an experienced foosball player and beats him in a game, to the delight of the patrons at Casa Banana, upscale House of Bananas.

All hail the goddess of foosball!

True fact: Casa Bananas got a pretty good review on Tripadvisor.

Hulk No Like Sharing Michelle

Christy liked Jesse until she heard he was telling tales about all his, um, romantic entanglements this season. The jig is up, and Christy's thinking he's misogynistic and manipulative. Enter nice guy Tasos (Andi's season).

Tasos likes Michelle but everyone is scared of what Cody will do if Tasos asks her out. It is presumed he will turn into the Hulk and eat Tasos's leg like a chicken drumstick. Michelle saves Tasos from dismemberment by suggesting a date with Christy, instead.

HULK SMASH BAD MAN! HULK ALSO HUNGRY FOR CHICKEN.

Tasos and Christy go on a zero chemistry date. Someone has to call a Code Red on Christy's sunburn. Bring out the aloe vera, stat! They ride along the river together and luckily no alligators attack.

The Cave of Déjà Vu

Zack gets a date card and asks out Jackie. He wants a "romantical" relationship as opposed to the dreaded platonical relationship. The Marcus/Lacy cave date is recycled. Zack and Jackie kiss and they seem to have a similar mellow vibe. This puts Zack ahead of Brooks who is more frenzied and has a sweatier forehead.

Weird Wooing 

Brooks and Zack are fighting for Jackie's rose. Zack offers a wish-bracelet. Brooks does a comedy routine and suggests that they paint each other's nails. Because that's what the ladies like in some place that is not earth.

No One Wants to Be Jesse's Girl

Jesse and Tasos are in competition for Christy's rose. Jesse says he wants the rose even though Christy is a "dumb blonde", thus solidifying the impression that he is the worst ever. Christy is on to him. It's soooo hard to believe that he's going home despite his skillful manipulation techniques (incessant blabbering and shifty gazes). He realizes his failure but decides to leave on his own accord so he can avoid the humiliating rose ceremony. Even Kalon didn't try this shifty move!

Michelle, Lacy and Christy invoke girl power and decide to confront Jesse on his cowardly departure. Christy is not really sure about the confrontation, but Michelle and Lacy insist on scolding Jesse for ungentlemanly conduct. They do their best Beyonce Independent Women impression and tell him off as he's in the reject limo.

Afterward, the women feel empowered, but Jesse's only thinking about all the "emails and invitations" he'll get at home. He just wants to party, ladies! He goes home and he only has spam and Abercrombie & Fitch coupons in his inbox. He decides that his life is too superficial and joins the Peace Corps.

Here is Your Rose + a Complimentary Cheezy Speech

This week, everyone decides to give a long-winded speech with their rose. Yawn. We have Lacy-Marcus, AshLee-Graham, Sarah-Robert, Michelle-Cody, Christy-Tasos, and Jackie-Zack. Brooks and his jokes are sent packing. He could have been fun, but the stars were not aligned. He spends the rest of his week off work preparing for an open-mic session at Giggles NightClub.

Coming Up Next: Evil Things That Will Ruin Your Vacation

Chris Harrison, Underlord of the Paradise of Hell, reveals that this is the last rose ceremony and there will be no more newcomers. They could have just let everyone enjoy the last week (really two days) of their vacation. But no, they have to add another Hunger Games style twist. Like, you escape the tracker jacker venom only to be chased by mutated creatures who want to eat you alive.

"Too weak for Paradise, are you?"

The preview does not make it clear what the twist is, but everyone's crying again. Do they make them watch all their partners' interviews? Do they ask the contestants whether they'll give up their partner for a date with someone else? Us viewers want to know! And that's why we'll tune in for the final show of this season.

I'll probably recap The Bachelor: Canada once this is all over (September 18, 2014). But we still have one more week on the worst vacation imaginable.


See you next week! 

A Double Header for Bachelor in Paradise! AKA Lucy and Marcus in Love While Others Settle for Less

Before we start, shame on you Bachelor Producers and Puppet Master Chris Harrison. After all that hype with the ambulance, tears, and fleeing into the jungle, these were the Shocking Reveals: a) Graham felt a little nauseous and b) Lacy got food poisoning. In Mexico. I'm like the contestants on this show, disappointed with how I'm treated, feeling a bit betrayed, but I stick around anyway. Now that the reveals are revealed, let's bachcap this double header! Both episodes are recapped below.

Waterproof Mascara is Your Friend in Paradise.

Michelle cries a lot after last week's rose ceremony. She's very emotional about her quest for a loving relationship. Like Farmer Chris (announced as the next Bachelor, yay!) she lives in a less glitzy state (Utah) but seeks a shiny Hollywood partner. Michelle's fake eyelashes and mascara stay on really well when she sobs. If that were me post-cry, I'd look like this:

Why waterproof mascara is superior

Michelle thinks she won't get another "chance like this to meet someone." Let's hope not! This is a terrible way to meet someone. The pressure and head games are bananas. Michelle explains, "I'm obviously doing something wrong, what is it?" This is the wrong thing she does: Using the Bachelor franchise to set her up. 

Love is Like Eggs in a Basket of Insecurity

Clare is with Zack (for now), AshLee is with Graham (will never work), Lacy is with Marcus (common law partners by this point), Jackie is maybe with Marquel (but they never sit together), Sarah is with Robert (she's smitten) and Michelle is solo. 

This is the only relationship more stable than a sandcastle

They're low on men in paradise, so enter beefy Cody (Andi's season) who promptly asks out Clare. She doesn't want to go because of Zack, but she eats up Cody's compliments. 

There remains a problem with Clare and Zack. She is concerned that her eggs have moved into his basket forever, but his eggs are only visiting her basket until another basket comes along and his eggs will jump out. It didn't make sense to me either. In normal-speak: Zack wants to take it slow, and Clare needs a guy who is ALL IN right away. She's emotional, and emotions make him pull back. This dynamic cannot work. No one is wrong, it's just a bad match. Take back those eggs and move on!

Don't put all your eggs in a Bachelor basket.

Cody the Muscular Puppy-Man

Cody is nice and sweet and a lot like an energetic muscle puppy that will love you and kiss you and smother you with loooooove! He is overly effusive and this scares the ladies away. He also refers to himself in the third person which perhaps puppies would do if they could speak. Clare's devoted to Zack so Cody generously gives his date card to Marcus and Lacy. On the date, Marcus lets it slip that he loves Lacy but it's mutual so there is no talk of eggs. Cody later mutates into an octopus-puppy and massages Michelle with his tentacles and Michelle is happy for the attention.

Kalon Who Travels Without Baggage

Kalon enters the scene (Emily's season). Everyone hates him because on his season of the Bachelorette, he referred to Emily's child as "baggage." He also makes a very crude and yucky comment about Michelle - "ziplining" and "motorboating" were mentioned. He is not helping his reputation. And are children baggage? As per Kalon, it depends on whose carrying it. Yup, still not helping yourself here.

No one will go on Kalon's spelunking date so he goes on the first ever One-on-None date. He seems pretty happy saying he's finally on a date with someone he likes. In the cave, he looks like Narcissus, the mythical dude who fell in love with his own reflection. Because art will perhaps cleanse your palate:

Presenting Narcissus post-sperlunking

Kalon's "date" is amusing but ridiculous. He professes love, toasts himself, and gives himself a big hug. The cameras love it. He'll perhaps be single forever after these hijinks on national television, but seems like this suits him just fine. 

Here's looking at you, me.

The Cave of Lies

Back in Paradise, another guy enters the scene. It's Jesse (Jillan's season). I didn't watch the Bachelor(ette) in those days of yore, but all the sleazeball alarms go off. He arrives saying he wants to date ALL the girls. He needs a rose so he asks Jackie out to garner favour. They eat dinner in a cave, a bat flies by, she believes Jesse's lies, and an unknown musical duo serenades them. Classic Bachelor date. 

What Happens in the Hammock Does not Stay in the Hammock

The next day, in a moment of "whhhaaa?" AshLee thinks there are no cameras where she's sitting with Zack. She thus speaks meanly about Clare, saying Zack should explore his options because Clare is cuckoo and did things in the ocean with Juan Pablo. Then, uh-oh, she realizes that the cameras were on because of course this is a REALITY SHOW. 

The Bachelor sees all, sucka

Clare finds out what was said and is livid with AshLee. She later confronts AshLee and calls her tasteless and tacky. Graham must be living in a separate resort, because he doesn't hear a thing about this until Michelle tells him. AshLee is sad because she works "really hard on my character" and now she is hated by all. And, Clare is mad that Zack didn't tell her what AshLee said, and my head hurts now.

Rose Ceremony Interruptus

Lacy's rose goes to Marcus

Clare's rose and all her eggs go to Zack 

AshLee calls Graham and he looks sweaty and excuses himself from the rose ceremony. Michelle runs after. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Okay, it's Tuesday's episode now. Graham feels sweaty and clammy and needs to see the medic. His gut is screaming: Don't stay with AshLee, she's mean! He takes some Gravol and returns to accept AshLee's rose. Never mind that the girl just stood there while he was sick, looking not-at-all concerned. She would make a bad nurse. 

Then Lacy is all sickened by this too. Or maybe it was just a bad taco. Anyhoo, she ends up in an ambulance and is very brave about that IV going in her hand. She's treated for dehydration or food poisoning or eating a tequila worm. We never find out, she's back the next day totally fine. 

Because ambulances are always on hand when you get nauseous in Mexico

As usual, the Bachelor Machine stops for nothing (including vomiting). The rose ceremony continues.

Michelle gives her rose to her pet puppy Cody.

Sarah gives a rose to Robert.

Jackie believes the lies of the batcave and gives her rose to Jesse. 

Marquel must go home. Dramatically, a colony of bats from the cave date swoop in and grab hold of Marquel. Marquel soars over paradise, until the bats try to stuff him into the reject minivan. There is not enough room because it's full of his geek chic clothes and non-prescription eyeglasses, so the bats fly him home themselves. Bye Marquel!

Oh, and Kalon is ejected from paradise and orders an obscene amount of room service in the hotel for a romantic night with his favourite person. Or he hits on everyone at the hotel bar. Feel free to choose your own adventure.

Can Someone Call a Dermatologist?

Now they're low on women in paradise, tall, blond Christy enters the scene (Juan Pablo's season but I can't remember her at all). She's sunburnt immediately. Her last boyfriend was a "liar, cheater, and coward." Christy asks Zack out, but he declines due to Clare. She then asks Jesse out. In Valladolid, Christy is excited when "we finally find the tequila and all the other booze that's known here." Not sure that all the known booze is what is needed now. They talk about cheaters (Jesse's advice to cheaters: deny, deny, deny) and the tequila keeps her from noticing that history is repeating itself.

"I have no practical experience with being a cheater, but theoretically this is what I'd do..."

Valladolid dates were on sale at Costco this week, and the Bachelor bought a two-pack. Sarah and Robert go on their date there too. They bump heads and later they finally kiss. They are also kind of sunburnt. Everyone needs their moles checked, pronto. 

Let's toast heads!

Clare Bear, She's Outta There

Zach tells Clare that their relationship is intense and he wants to figure it out. Clare's on to him, he's losing interest. She wisely decides to leave this hell hole. The producers again pretend she's confessing to a raccoon. Sigh, are the Bachelor staffers all in middle school or something? Clare confesses that this is why she wanted to go on Dancing with the Stars instead. Yes, that would have been a better choice, Clare. Goodbye, and good luck. You just need a guy to chase you, instead of being in the role of the chaser. 

"Free Spirit" is a Synonym for "Drink on the House"

Lucy (Juan Pablo's season) is now thrown into the mix. She likes to run around sans clothing. I am impressed that she doesn't wear make-up on camera. You go girl! But go put on some clothes, thanks. 

How to Come on Too Strong and Scare a Lady

In other relationship news, Cody is bench-pressing Michelle. He's painting her toenails. He's saying things like, "what if we fall in love?" Michelle is feeling "overwhelmed" (meaning, suffocated). 

Down, puppy, down!

The evil minds of this franchise make it worse by having them go on an engagement/wedding photo shoot. Michelle is so uncomfortable she's literally yelling "It's fake! It's not real!" while sporting a wedding dress, hoping Cody will get the hint. He's a puppy so he can't understand words, he's just happy to be near his mistress. Pictures don't lie. Observe their expressions below:

As the Roses Draw Near

AshLee takes Graham on a car racing date and she drives like a grandma. 

At the resort, Christy complains, "there's so much booze and no one's drinking it." I wish she'd stop saying the word "booze." Time to order a Perrier, Christy. Lucy and Jesse return from their date and Jesse can't remember her name. He calls her "what's her name" and later (my favourite) "what's her nuts." Christy finds Jesse "100% honest and genuine." It's later implied that there was some time warp 1960s free love episode with Jesse, Christy, and Lucy, but it's none of my business and I don't want to think about it. 

Marcus says "I love you" two more times to Lacy. She's into it. 

But What's Really on the Line?

It's Rose Ceremony time and Chris Harrison says that there are hearts on the line. Also on the line, employment prospects for these contestants. Not all are seeming like upstanding citizens at this point. 

Robert gives a rose to Sarah.

Graham gives a rose to AshLee  - without vomiting or fainting.

Cody gives his rose to Michelle. He's told her he's falling in love. After one day. And he wants her to accept all his roses forever and ever. She should put him in a kennel for his own safety.

Marcus gives a rose to Lacy and they make out for way too long.

Zack gives a rose to Jackie because Clare is gone, and there was a mutual interest pre-Clare. This may go somewhere.

Jesse gives a rose to Christy because he couldn't remember that other girl's name.

The bloopers show Cody and Michelle playing a bean bag toss game. The loser has to kiss Marcus's left nipple. Michelle loses, but my recording cut out so I have no idea what happened! 

Maybe Michelle played catch with Cody till he was really tired and went to sleep in his basket and crushed all the eggs.

That's a good boy!

See you next week!