Sunday, 25 September 2016

The Bachelorette Canada Recap: Season 1, Episode 2, AKA When Trudeau Hair Isn't Enough

The Bachelorette Canada is turning out to be a kinder, nicer version of the American franchise. What's better as compared to Jojo's season:
  • Jasmine manages to balance a plethora of lovely qualities: authentic, kind, genuine, secure, assertive, and free-spirited. Whatever producer chose Jasmine deserves a raise.
  • There's less manufactured drama, so it's easier to focus on personalities. 
  • Jasmine's often barefoot or in flats, the mood is more relaxed.
  • When Jasmine doesn't like something, she speaks up and the guy gets booted. Words = action!
  • Except for Drew, the guys get along and are self-deprecating, an attitude rarely seen on the American franchise (with Wells and Daniel as notable exceptions). 
  • The aftershow is muuuuuch less obnoxious.
What I like less than the American version
  • Constant product placement for Two Oceans white wine. For $11, this wine can be ALL YOURS.
  • The music.

Spoiler, Jasmine chooses to marry this bottle

This season's the proof that you don't need hysterics and bad behaviour to be interesting. (U.S. politics, take note). Sunny ways! Now for your recap:

Date #1: Thomas and Jasmine's Wild Ride

International model Thomas, his tongue and his hair are all chosen to ride around with Jasmine on a dune buggy. Thomas dresses in primary colours and nothing matches. At least the tank top covers his nipples - at the resort, his tank hung so low it was maybe a belt. 

We learn that Thomas became a model after falling off a roof while working in construction. Let's hope he's steadier on a runway. Okay, that was mean, poor Thomas couldn't walk for 6 months, yikes! Jasmine and Thomas the Tank Model have major chemistry, choo-choo!. Group date rose is a given.

Just wait until he shows you his Blue Steel

Date #2: One Love, One Heart, One Terrible Reggae Performance

Two Jamaican reggae celebs (Tanto Metro and Devonte) coach the suitors as they compose reggae lyrics for Jasmine. There will be a sing-off. In the first group we have Mike, Benoit, Scott and Drew. Drew is buggin' because he's a terrible singer and can't handle losing. In this group, only Benoit charms by singing in French. Jasmine is nice about it, and so are the guys, but the singing is atrocious. Drew deserves to lose for being rude to the reggae dudes when they tried to help his tone deaf a$$. 

Not all the men were Musically Inclined (see it's the name of their album!)

In the second group we have Seth, Kyle, Chris, and Kevin P. Turns out, Chris can sing! The group is funnier and have bette vocal chops; they win more time with Jasmine. Seth intrigues Jasmine by being reserved and sporting Trudeau hair. Then they kiss and....nope it's over due to excessive tongue darting. Kevin P., the vomiting deckhand from last week feels great until he interrupts Jasmine and Seth - they are sitting there so awkwardly that he wishes "his skin had a zipper" (hahaahahaha!) Kevin P. confirms that Jasmine is looking for "THE one" and for this brilliant line of questioning he earns le Group Date Rose. 

Date # 3: Let's Get Physical With Each Other and Not with Jasmine

Andrew, Mikhel, JP, Wale and Kevin W. wrestle each other for Jasmine's heart, Jamaican style. Meaning, two guys stand in a sand circle and first one pushed out loses. Despite being called No-pack Shakur by Wale last week, JP wins. 

JP won this for real

Wale remains good at nicknames and calls Kevin W., Captain Canada. Captain Canada is indeed so solid and earnest, Jasmine feels comfortable enough to share her father's struggles with addictions. For putting Jasmine at ease, he gets the group date rose. 

There's also a game of spin the bottle/Truth or Dare. These are really supposed to be two different games but there's a merge to accommodate the Two Oceans wine product placement. In the aftershow, we learn that Wale had JP strip for the group. Wale likes to sell other dudes to Jasmine, not the best strategy mister.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
Jasmine thinks Mikhel looks like Superman/Clark Kent. David, who was punished for last week's gaffe (he "ruined the moment" after his serenade) stays humble and redeems himself. Seth proves he's no Trudeau by admitting he's never been in love and that he was thinking of other things when he was kissing Jasmine. Somehow he was better when his thoughts stayed all quiet up in his head. Jasmine realizes she's been projecting her hopes onto Seth's blank slate. 

Insert face and personality here


Thomas the Tank Model - Jasmine's digging him. Date rose. TOP PICK!

Kevin P. - Cute deckhand, happily no longer vomiting. Group date rose. 

Kevin W. - Captain Canada. Group date rose. 

Mikhel - Jasmine is very into this cute aviation engineer. TOP PICK!

Benoit - French accent doesn't hurt.

Kyle - Correction from last week, this tall dude's cutie cat is a seal tip rag doll, not a himalayan as I thought. Oops!

Andrew - Sorry, no notes.

David - Served his punishment, super cute, and back in the game. TOP PICK!

Drew - Only has blonde and blue-eyed exes - exes who are all screaming at the screen, "run Jasmine run!" 

JP - Wrestled in high school, buff butler-ing in adulthood.

Scott - His name is Scott. 

Mike - First Impression rose but made no impression this week. Boo :(

Chris - Inventor who can sing and dance and set roses on fire, his talents know no bounds. Next week he does a magic trick and makes Drew disappear (wishful thinking).


Wale - I don't think there was chemistry, but it's still lousy that the only black dude goes home on the second episode, as is common in the American franchise. 

Seth - Trudeau hair will only get you so far. 

See you next week!

Rag doll sitting pretty

Thursday, 15 September 2016

The Bachelorette Canada - Season 1, Episode 1 Recap

First episode of The Bachelorette Canada ever! You can watch the show on the W Network's website (from Canada at least). Here's your recap.

Hello Vancouver
Instead of L.A. we're in Vancouver, and everything is oh so Canadian. Skating, pine trees, seeing your breath in the air, stereotypical Canadian accent, this is Canada alright. 

Our Bachelorette
Jasmine, 27, is a complete unknown from Kenora, Ontario which is also pretty much unknown. Our bachelorette is a nice and pretty hairdresser with long blond hair who wants "a small town guy at heart." Jasmine describes herself as a free spirit who wants to get married and travel 50% of the time...with her kids in tow. Any parents out there laughing themselves to pieces? I guess to believe in the "process" of The Bachelor franchise you have to be unrealistic.

The outlook isn't great: The Bachelor has 5% marriage rate, The Bachelorette has a 27% marriage rate, and The Bachelor Canada has a 0% rate. Yes Tim and April broke up a very long time ago. I made a full list of who's still together and who's not to prove it to you (click here for the full list).  

Cute as a button and unrealistic as hell

Night one, woohoo! 
Only 20 Bachelors here, which is about 5 to 8 fewer than the American show. Jasmine tells alumnus Jillian Harris that she's sure her husband will be in this group. There are certainly quite a few decent guys here. Not as flashy and less muscular than them Americans, but that's fine, eh? Hey, where's Damn Daniel?!?

More differences as compared to the American franchise
The camera work is shakier, the music is annoying, the host seems more nervous, everyone seems nicer and more mellow, there's much less drama, and after this season we will never hear from any of these people ever again

Fun with ages
The guys are aged 25 to 36. Hope you like older dudes, Jazzy!

  • A musician named David serenades Jasmine and when he's done he ruins the moment by saying, "Top that!" and Jasmine hates this and tells him.
  •  A cowboy named Tony gets drunk on whiskey and tries to interrupt Butler in the Buff's alone time with Jasmine. 
  • Drew, a "born salesman" decides to be the worst ever.
  • Kyle is 6'7'' and named his cats Miss MoneyPenny and Lord ThunderCuddles. At least we know why he's single. Just kidding, I kind of liked this weird dude.
  • Kevin P. vomits due to food poisoning but still comes off as a catch.
  • Jasmine reveals that her "explore" tattoo came free with two tacos in Bali. 
Like the guy, love the cats

First Impression Rose
The first impression rose goes to Mike, a sweet firefighter/paramedic from a small town (Jasmine likes!) who has a similar backstory as our bachelorette. Sadly, Jasmine's father passed away when she was 12. Mike's mom passed away when he was 8 years old. Both Jasmine and Mike say that they have had trouble finding love because they're scared to be abandoned because of the premature loss of a parent. This sweet conversation surely inspired a river of Canadian tears. There wasn't crazy chemistry here, but Mike seems like a genuinely kind and level-headed dude.

Twenty guys who want a rose, who stays and who goes?


Mike - Firefighter who got the first impression rose. Says he does charity work to make himself feel good but it also helps other people. Awwwwww. TOP PICK!

Kevin W. - Engineer who's number one question for Jasmine = "Why are you single?" Your conversation skills astound, Kevin W.

Drew - Salesman who is also giving a slimy sales pitch. Says gross things like, he's used to having his "pick of the litter" (barf!!!). Jasmine thinks his confidence is sexy but we know she'll eventually see the Truth. Drew's not as bad as Chad from Jojo's season, but he's less fun than a moose antler in your butt cheek. SEASON VILLAIN!

Thomas - Model who calls himself an International male model so he can brag that he went to Greece one time. His hair is flippy. He thinks he's single because he's a "deeper individual." Jasmine names him "Sexual Tongue." Not loving Thomas, but really hating his nickname.

Mikhel - Normal-seeming aviation engineer who gets the Most Canadian Compliment Award: "She's something, eh?"

Kyle - Tall Guy with two Himalayan Seal Point Cats who are his Children. TOP PICK (just because I like his cats)!

Seth - Bartender who takes bad Polaroid selfies and refuses to give up the photo.

Scott - Carpenter who made Jasmine a box.

Andrew - Consultant who got only one word in my notes (the word was: "Consultant").

Chris - Inventor who set a white rose on fire. He'd better invent himself some game.

Benoit - Host at Suite 701 in Montreal. Hey, I've been to that place!

Wale - Pronounces his name "Wah-lay." Occupational therapist who called Butler JP "No-Pack Shakur." Big personality.

Kevin P. - Deckhand who vomited. I googled "deckhand," it means you work on boats. TOP PICK!

JP - Butler in the Buff who came in wearing an apron...and nothing else. His outfit was like a mullet: business in the front, party in the back.

David - The musician who screwed up everything by being cocky after serenading Jasmine with a string trio. Dude shoulda seen how Wells serenaded Jojo by having All-4-One (a REAL band) sing "I Swear." Top THAT, David!


Ross - Spoiler, he ends up with Rachel. Just kidding, he was the welder with the thick beard and intense poem.

Dana - Did a backflip off a limo...right into obscurity.

Taylor - Gave Jasmine a pen and wrote his own exit.

Eddie - Clumsily set up a telescope and was sent back into the universe.

Tony - Gave a cowboy hat, received the boot.

I think I like Jasmine. She won me over when she told the guys to "Be weird, be whatever, be yourselves." Now that's a motto to live by.

Stay tuned, they're going to Jamaica! 

He wasted syrup but we miss him anyway