Tuesday, 4 November 2014

The Bachelor Canada Week 8: The Women Tell All - The "For the Right Reasons" Tribunal

Nothing is more tedious than a Women Tell All episode. Luckily, I watched this thing for you. Save yourself the misery and read the recap instead. You're welcome. Let's bachcap!

South of the Border Comparisons

The Bachelor Canada seems to have the same set and hyped-up audience as the American version. Did they film this in L.A. or is it that easy to recreate a set? Maybe they are just using a green screen and old Bachelor footage to save money. Tyler the host is back but he can't quite muster the charisma of Chris Harrison. At least we know now that the Mexican sharks didn't eat him.

There are less women than usual, only 12. I appreciate that we can just forget about the whachamacolit people who left super early. Like the U.S. version, there are hot seats and nasty comments, but maybe more ownership of one's actions? Debatable. Oh, and even though this show is called the WOMEN tell all, no one (contestant or host) says "women" because of course they are GIRLS. Be you 23 or 42, you're a girl and OMG this is so offensive to me.

"Whoa, are you telling me that "woman" doesn't mean 50 or older?"

Hot Seat #1: Kaylynn (No Crying)

First, we get to see a montage of Kaylynn's most humiliating moments on the show. Basically, clips of crying and kissing. She is attacked by youngest contestant Rileigh who articulately explains how Kaylynn makes her feel "ewchhh" if there were words for that sound. Tyler admits that it's not normal to have to watch all your worst moments in a TV montage, and Kaylynn admits it's all very embarrassing. She doesn't cry or kiss anyone and is thus redeemed.

Interlude: Bam!

For comic relief, April Burlesque gets her own quirky montage where she talks about her life dreams. You know, the usual stuff, like meeting Quentin Tarantino and becoming mayor. She has a catchphrase of "Bam!" which she has blatantly stolen from chef Emiril Lagasse.

Works for chefs and burlesque dancers alike

Hot Seat #2: Natalie Stirs the Pot

Yet another montage, this time of Natalie's journey. I saw the show already, producers - I don't need an end of chapter review and quiz to remember the details.

Natalie says she only came back to the show to "stir the pot and cause drama." All the other women freak out and attack. Dominique, who has the confusing and unlikely profession of "Reception & IT/Model" calls the move "selfish." Natalie doesn't seem to mind the attacks because she "had the best of intentions." But, what? Never mind.

Hot Seat #3: Lisa Repents 

We are subjected to yet another montage, this time of Lisa, who Trisha hath dubbed the "wiry, fiery devil." Lisa is hated by the other women for saying mean things to the camera and for having made out with an Italian bartender on the only outing ever allowed in Bachelor history. Lisa has some fine excuses. Here they are in case you need to use them for a situation in your own life:

"I'll blame that one on the liquor."
"I'm human, I can be nasty."
"I had a lot to drink"
"I don't know what happened."

Feel free to use any of these excuses for: a) forgetting someone's birthday, b) being late for work, or c) saying something rude to your mother-in-law.

Since Lisa can't (or won't) remember The Night of the Italian Bartender, Sachelle gives her version: All the women were dancing and, oops, Lisa is lip-locked with an Italian bartender. Lisa is pulled away, returns to her Romeo, and later celebrates her achievement loudly on the streets of Tuscany. I would have preferred Lisa's own recounting of the story (and a picture of the bartender) but alas we just get Lisa's apology and that's all she wrote.

Hot Seat #4: Sachelle, the Canadian Stereotype 

Sachelle says she felt very comfortable with Tim and was shocked to be sent home. Tim comes on set and his tie totally matches her dress, like they are dressing up to go to the same party. Tim's sweating as he sits down and says she'll make someone happy someday and Sachelle wishes Tim the best. Well, that's Canada for you! We're not exciting but we are very polite.

Final Hot Seat: Tim Fields 3 Questions

Question 1 from Lisa: It's not a question, she just wants to apologize and he respects that she "owns" her behaviour. A definition: "Owning" = Admitting what everyone else made you admit.

Question 2 from Dominque: Dom asks why she didn't get a chance with Tim, and he said that someone had to get the last one-on-one. Does this mean Tim had planned a one-on-one and she left too early. We'll never know, but that's okay because she's secretly dating a model/computer repairman.

Question 3 from Kaylynn: Kaylynn asks Tim "what happened" and he says he doesn't know and maybe they should have met outside the show. I.e., no one wants to really discuss what happened.

Blippity Bloopers 

The show concludes with a failed attempt at levity. It's the usual: goofy faces, birds and bugs flying amok, falling film equipment, and a long and off-putting montage of breast adjustments by the "girls" because isn't that hiiiilarious? You can be a feminist and still watch this show but you will be tested.

Coming Up Next!

Tim's picking out a ring! Meeting the parents doesn't seem to go so well for April. And there's talk of some ambivalence for both Trisha and April. Two part finale ahead. I'll be there, hope you will too!

Hope next week's a little more exciting. Meow.

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