Friday, 10 July 2015

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn, Week 8: Can't We Just Have Some Craic?

Hey, Bachelorette viewers, we're still in Ireland and craving some fun with our Guinness. But, alas, our heroine Kaitlyn and her suitors seem sadder than the crowd at the Auld Dubliner at last call.

The Ben Next Door

Ben and Kaitlyn's chemistry is like a clammy handshake. On their one-on-one date, Kaitlyn couldn't hide her stress over her top two. Ben rowed her in a boat, while she just sat there doing nothing. Luckily, he's got the strong arms.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!

Later, Kaitlyn asks Ben if he's ever had "off-camera time" with a woman before (that's what we're calling it now, right?). Ben seems amused. He may look clean cut but he's no choir boy. Kaitlyn says she's falling in love with Ben. But then again, she says that about all the guys.

Prediction: Ben will be third, unless Shawn and The Other One duel until the death. Ben's very Boy Next Door, totally Bachelor material. This week, he admitted vulnerability by saying that he worries he's "unloveable." He's playing his cards well to be the star for next season.

If you have good cards, why not play 'em?

Grand Concept: Date on the Lawn

For this group date with Shawn, Nick, and Kentucky Joe, the innovative idea: Hanging out on a lawn.

Producer 1: "I guess we need to plan the group date."
Producer 2: "Let's have another pint and think about it later."
Producer 1: "But the date's tomorrow!"
Producer 2: "Fine - how about they hang out on the lawn, and we leave a bunch of swords in case Shawn and The Other Guy want to duel."
Producer 1: "That sounds dramatic, sold!" (To bartender:) "Two pints, please!"

The next morning an intern removes the swords and the producers are too hung over to notice.

What could have been if not for that meddling intern

On this group date, Kentucky Joe comes on strong, and Kaitlyn makes that "I'm going to reject you face" and asks him to leave. Joe turns as cold as a frappuccino and is all, "It's been cool." Then it gets even uglier, "I'm not saying $%& to you" Eek. I liked Joe, and I'm sorry to see him leave this way. His hair-standing-up coiffe makes him look perpetually afraid, but other than that he seems pretty awesome. Guess he was too hurt to do the graceful exit thing. Kentucky awaits your return, Joe. A little leprechaun told me that Joe will be dating someone awesome in no time.

I'm still into the cold cup o' Joe

As for Shawn and The Other One, they still hate each other and Kaitlyn is stressing. Kaitlyn says: "No rose for either of you" and leaves. Then she has time with Shawn and finally comes clean that she had the intimate "off-camera time" with He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Shawn hates that Kaitlyn cannot see the evil of Voldemort.

Shawn takes a bathroom break. He returns, vowing to continue on his quest for Kaitlyn's heart. And that sentiment lasts about two seconds until....

Jared (sparse beard), Ben Next Door, Shawn, and Voldemort are all stressing as they are driven to the Rejection Room by a horse-drawn carriage of awkwardness. Shawn is now unsure that he can accept a sloppy second rose. Voldemort is stressing because he wanted more time to enchant Kailtyn.

I can't cast my spell if she's not even here, yo

Chris Harrison walks in, all cheery, "How was everyone's day?!" Response: The stares of death. Kaitlyn wants to skip the cocktail party, so they go straight to elimination. Her flashy silver sequin dress really doesn't fit the mood.

Kaitlyn calls Shawn first, but he pulls a rosus interruptus for Yet More Talking. He is sulky about Voldemort. Kaitlyn defends her right to "explore other relationships," including those with evil wizards in tight pants. Shawn accepts the rose in the end. This relationship can't last. Too much yucky stuff has gone down already.

The other two roses go to Ben and Voldemort (obviously).

Ye Be Cut, Jared

Jared is booted and leaves like a total gentleman. He does what you do when you love someone: he offers Kaitlyn his coat (awwww), wishes her luck in finding the man of her dreams (his words), and cries in the limo saying he'll miss her.

My advice to Jared: Shave for Bachelor in Paradise (he's a confirmed contestant). Also, you'll be the nicest guy on that show. Consider dating Jade (former wild mustang) or Carly (cruise ship singer), as these are your best potential matches. À bientôt!

They're waiting for you, Jared!

Wait, is There More?

Mid-episode rose ceremonies are disorienting. Guess there's a Fantasy Suite date now, whaaaa? Kaitlyn goes with Nick to a cathedral in Cork. These two are either at the pub or in places of worship. Later at the pub, they have the craic with a few paid-off locals who talk with heavy accents. Having the craic sounds bad but it just means they have fun. Sort off. This season is weird.

Nick and Kaitlyn hang out in a renovated former prison. Trapped, she is, we get the metaphor. Nick says something gross about Shawn, and Kaitlyn's all stressed again. The weather reflects the mood with thunder and pouring rain. Kaitlyn still wants more off-camera time with Nick. She pranks him by pretending the Fantasy Suite is in a prison cell. It doesn't look that bad, but a little cramped, maybe. They go somewhere else, and we get a rare picture of the dishevelled couple eating post-suite breakfast. Nick doesn't like Canadian bacon. It should be a dealbreaker but isn't.

Not so suite

Please, Just Duel Already

Later that day, after Shawn realizes he's on the cusp of sloppy second seconds, he goes to Nick's hotel room. "Your'e cocky! You're arrogant!" How is this helping? Someone needs to put Shawn in Time Out. The fight is cut off midway. TO BE CONTINUED, AGAIN, OY.

Yet Another Euphemism

Brady heads back to Nashville, while Britt stays in L.A. They will do "Long Distance" which means they'll let the relationship slowly die a death. Well, that's a boring ending.


Put these people out of their misery please! Can we just skip to Bachelor in Paradise? Life was better when Kaitlyn made bad jokes and hung out with Jimmy Kimmel. Maybe we just need more Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy, help!

Pretty please?

See you next week!

1 comment:

  1. Another good recap here: