Tuesday, 28 July 2015

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn: Finale, After the Final Rose, and The Art of Manipulation

Finally, we made it! Here's your recap of the Bachelorette Finale.

Did Someone Forget Their Passport?

We end up where we started, in California. Forget about travel this season. Someone lost their fanny pack with the passports and the money. Kaitlyn's family is met in Malibu. No one bothers to introduce them until it's 15 minutes into the show. Kaitlyn looks like she has a haircut and darker hair, but maybe I'm just making that up because I wish I were staring at a lovely resort rather than another boring hotel room. I want a vicarious trip and I want it NOW.

Forgot it on the plane

Kaitlyn's family (parents, step-parents, sister) meet Nick and Shawn. Kaitlyn tells her family about the "off-camera time with Nick." This season is full of TMI to the parents. Kaitlyn's mom is skeptical about Nick, but ends up crying with him and he gets a blessing for a proposal from both parents.

Shawn also gets the parental blessing and (this is big) the sister's endorsement. Kaitlyn's mom loves Shawn. "Wow, there's a MAN." She goes straight for the jugular with both guys. "Nick, you're arrogant, and Shawn, you're jealous cuz Kaitlyn had the off-camera time." Subtlety does not run in the family, at least for mom and sis. Loved how both dudes asked BOTH parents for a blessing. Props to the mamas! One question: Why did Shawn bring a jar of tomato sauce as a gift to the family?

In exchange for your daughter

Last Dates

The last dates are typical: Full of misdirection and platitudes. Nick gets the yacht, which usually means a win. Loved his hop onto the boat. That was the only thing that went okay for Nick this episode. The cracks in Nick's and Kaitlyn's relationship start to show. If you look closely, Kaitlyn looks less than enthused with Nick when he's bearing his soul. Nick's gift to Kaitlyn gets a grade of C-: A picture of the two of them with a poem written on cardboard. Nick mixes up lower-case and upper-case when he writes. I copied it down: "AND when I Look AT you I see my Future."

The inspiration for Nick's penmanship

Shawn's last date starts out awkward. Kaitlyn is sleep-deprived and acting weird. She's probably just having pre-engagement jitters, but Shawn takes it personally. Things are smoothed out in the evening when Shawn gives her a memory jar. Gift grade of B-. He's been saving stuff from all their dates and stuffed it into that jar. The jar will be so annoying to keep. You can't leave it on a shelf because it's ugly. Nothing is worse than big sentimental gifts that end up gathering dust in the closet.

Fugly on the shelf

Kaitlyn seems to care more about what Shawn thinks than what Nick thinks. She asks him if he'll watch the show. Shawn is deluded about marriage. "It'll always be fun!" Yup, tell me that when you have to watch your spouse do colonoscopy prep and drive them to the appointment the next day. Barrels of laughs all the time, this marriage thing!

He has to drink it ALL

Neil Lane Got a Facelift

Is it me, or is Neil's face a little more stretched out? He's one tanned jeweller. Both guys get to pick out blingy rings. For free. Retail value? 100K. No kidding. I love how Neil humours Nick about his dime-store Irish ring. In Neil's head: "What a piece of crap."

"Hey, that must of cost a whole 5 euros"

The Show is MEAN and I Hate it Now

The problem with this show is that the default script is incredibly cruel. Two guys pick out rings, write out proposal speeches, dress for a proposal, and bare their souls. Yet one guy gets rejected at the last minute. This is a MEAN default. The runner-up deserves a private conversation, pre-Neil Lane. The Bachelorette shouldn't have to ask for special permission to do a more humane rejection. This should be PART OF THE SHOW. Kaitlyn really messes this one up, but she's probably manipulated by the handlers who want the drama. The problem is: The basic standard script is inhumane. Bachelor producers, we're on to you, and if there's a hell, at least you'll all have each other to hang out with!

The Bachelorette is worse than the Bachelor. In Bachelor, the loser gets let go without a proposal. Way better than having your proposal rejected. There is nothing worse than the spurned proposal.

Bachelor Mansion, Poolside

They really picked a lousy location for the proposal. The Bachelor mansion still smells like whiskey and man-sweat.

When Nick gets out of the limo, my heart drops. He's obviously so into Kailtyn. At the proposal site, she lets him go on forever, and only interrupts when Nick's about to kneel down. Nick is mad about the rejection. But he stays cool (cold) and gives it to her in respectful way and tells her that she never really loved him (true, obviously). Kailtyn's crying and saying that she felt love for Nick, in the moment. Nick kills it with the line of the night: "What I felt for you was greater than a moment." BOOM!


That kind of sums it up. Kaitlyn lives in the moment and was great at compartmentalizing her relationships. She acts in the moment, perhaps not always thinking many steps ahead. Kaitlyn said she needed all this time to know who she'd pick. But she for sure knew by the morning what she'd do. I'd argue she probably knew pre-family dates. Love him or hate him, the dude deserved a heads up pre-proposal. Nick throws the rings (Lane's and Irish cheapo ring) in the rejection limo and I can't blame him. This sucks! I'm so glad he doesn't cry.

Shawn's proposal is textbook. Nothing original. Kaitlyn is shaking and making old man laugh-sounds. They talk about honesty, which to me is a huge red flag. You shouldn't need to mention basic relationship things with a boyfriend. They should be givens. Honestly, loyalty, love, commitment should be just the stuff in the background that you don't even need to talk about. If you're talking about it, there may be issues.

No amount of chlorine can clean up this season

Shut Up, Chris Harrison.

After the Final Rose is so annoying. Shawn and Kaitlyn are glowing, and that's nice. But the awfulness of the Nick situation puts a damper on everything. And they make him the central figure of the show! Poor Nick's family (mom and baby sister included) sit in the front row, on the verge of tears. This is sad, people.

When Nick is interviewed on his own, Chris Harrison keeps probing about Nick's "pre-show relationship" with Kaitlyn. Who cares if they texted or whatever. It's over, dude. No one cares. Back off, you nosy host.

Nick wins the class award of the evening. He takes some responsibility for the Shawn situation: "We let our immaturity come out." Also, he gives Kaitlyn credit for managing the situation well. He tries to say something nice about Shawn, but Chris Harrison keeps interrupting.

Nick is really redeeming himself. In case you didn't see it, during the season, he defended Kaitlyn on Twitter when she was bullied. He also posted multiple pictures of himself without a shirt on. Well, pobody's nerfect. 

Too much (via Twitter)

Shawn and Nick are then forced to sit next to each other on a miniature sofa while Chris Harrison prods them with a stick. Both men have beards. Shawn is a bit of a sore winner: "I'm not a fake person, I tell it like it is," but he catches himself, "I'm not saying you're fake!" (to Nick).

It's like marital counselling in reverse as Chris Harrison tries to get a fight started. The men aren't biting (each other, or at the bait). Nick has better emotional control. Shawn gets points for ragging on the editing. He said that his complaints about Nick were only 3% of his comments, but "that's all they showed." Nick said he knows coming on the show would not be a popular move, and calls the move "A Chris Bukowski." Yup, that guy, he is the boomerang man.

Not this guy again

Chris Harrison makes a last attempt at getting the guys to "hug it out." Nope on that one. He gives up: "Maybe we won't hug it out, so go fight in the alley after the show."

Nick is Still Here

Nick has WAY more screen time than Shawn this episode. Nick and Kaitlyn now have to face off. Kaitlyn rolls her eyes at Nick and takes minimal responsibility for her actions. I like her, but she's kind of lost. Nick runs circles around her, and he's only using basic, normal logic. Again, he kills it with the next best line of the night when he talks about the pre-proposal: "Those words were not meant for you" - Nick's pre-proposal was meant for someone who loved him. "That moment, I won't have it back." Dude is right, yo.

Chris Harrison interrupts Nick as he's trying to wish Kaitlyn well. Chris Harrison, you are officially the devil. Let. Him. Finish.

Under the host make-up, we find this

It's okay though, because now all the animosity about Nick from Andi's season is erased, and Nick gets his dignity back. Until he posts another shirtless pic on Twitter.

Things Left Unsaid

We don't find out:
-Who's the next Bachelor?
-Are Kaitlyn or Shawn moving to be in the same city?
-What about the pic on Snapchat that Kaitlyn posted of Shawn mid-season, that people said was a spoiler?
-Who had to search in the backseat of the limo to pick up those rings?

I don't know what Snapchat is (I'm old), but Kaitlyn posted this

I wish happiness for Kaitlyn and Shawn - even though they'll probably break up after 6 months, like almost everyone else. They're excited to go to Starbucks (and Tim Hortons!) and Shawn can't wait to defend Kaitlyn publicly. I see punching of strangers in his future.

I also wish happiness for Nick. Somehow, I'm not so worried about his single status. If the guy wants a girlfriend, it really won't be that hard. He wouldn't have lasted even 3 months with Kaitlyn. My guess is that he would have been very bored with her, once the shiny newness wore off.

Bring on Paradise!

This season was so stressful. Bring on the mindless entertainment! Bachelor in Paradise looks ridiculous. Just how I like it! I may do brief recaps (or none at all). Don't forget to watch on Sunday and Monday nights. Have fun in Paradise!

See you at the beach!

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