Wednesday, 1 July 2015

The Bachelorette With Kaitlyn, Week 7: Can This Really End Well?

Here we are at week 7 and things are going downhill faster than a toboggan in a Canadian winter. Here's my analysis:

The Issue

As per Sharleen (opera singer from Juan Pablo's season), you are NOT allowed to have any off-camera time (or "off-camera time") on this show. Kaitlyn snuck out to meet Shawn and Ben H. and this was a big no-no for the producers. Then she had Fantasy Suite time with Nick, pre-Fantasy Suites. Morally, this is no big deal, but it messes with the format of the show and this makes Chris Harrison MAD.

Hulk Hate Change of Format

The producers manipulate contestants. They are not allowed to read, watch TV, communicate with anyone, leave the hotel, etc. They are definitely not allowed to hang out with each other without the mikes. The producers don't want to lose control of the contestants or risk having things happen that aren't filmed. The worst has happened! Kaitlyn broke the rules and we're in new territory.

Kaitlyn feels guilty about the rule-breaking because this led to: a) Prematurely telling Shawn that he was "the one," and b) Intimate "off-camera time" with Nick that would make the other guys go bananas. In particular, Kaitlyn knows that Shawn (one of her frontrunners) may walk if he learns about Nick.

It's Week 7 and these guys have been deprived off all contact with the normal world for a long time. It's obvious most of them aren't a great match for Kaitlyn, but they all think they are because they've been in emotional solitary confinement. Or they just want to travel on the Bachelorette's dime. Or they want to be the next Bachelor. Or all three.

How the guys feel about their iPhones on Week 7

Kaitlyn is not a natural manipulator. She wants to come clean with everyone, but she knows the risks of spilling the beans. The men pick up on her discomfort and now they're all feeling weird. No one is having any fun and this is no way to start a relationship.

Basically, this season is doomed. Unless Kaitlyn marries Nick - which she won't, because he's not really that into her - her "final" relationship will always have an ugly backstory.

Kentucky Joe vs. JJ

Kaitlyn brings two opposites on the two-on-one date. If you are on this date, you are Kaitlyn's bottom two. Kentucky Joe is pretty awesome. He can't really be falling for Kaitlyn - it's just that Kentucky's dating scene is abysmal.

No women on this map

JJ tells Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife and was found out. Um, JJ, this is a two-on-one date! You wouldn't want this guy as your military strategist. JJ has a toddler, so this means he cheated while he had a pregnant wife or a tiny baby. That's attractive! On Kaitlyn's recap blog, she said that this admission made her feel a little sick. JJ is right when he said he's his own biggest enemy. He's sent on the paddywaggon to oblivon. Now every women JJ dates will know his secret upfront and that can only help humanity. Oh, and it was announced that he's going to Bachelor in Paradise.

What does the ex-wife think about all this?

Kaitlyn tortures Kentucky Joe by prolonging the date before giving him the rose. But he gets it in the end. I'm glad to see Joe stay, but he's a goner for next week.

The Ugliest Suite in Ireland

Shawn keeps going up to Kaitlyn's hotel room. This process is not working for him. He's not just insecure because Kaitlyn said he was "the one" but continues to date others. He's insecure because he can sense she's acting weird because she has a HUGE secret (Nick). His schnoz can sense that something is off. She can't reassure him, because something is in fact off.

The nose knows

Relationship rule: If you often feel anxious around your girlfriend (or boyfriend) there's probably a reason. Trust your gut and make like pantyhose and run.

As for Kaitlyn's hotel room, it looks like it smells like cigarettes and cheap whiskey. That couch may have bedbugs.

Rose Ceremony 

The rose ceremony part begins mid-episode and ends about 30 minutes before the end of the show. Something is not right in the world.

Ben H.: His spidey sense can also tell that something is up. As all contestants are kept in the dark about everything, he assumes his feeling is related to Kaitlyn's time alone with Shawn when Ben H. was showering. I'm wondering why he chose to shower and leave those two alone! His instincts are right but he doesn't know that this is actually a Nick/Shawn Combo Disaster.

Nick: Kaitlyn knows that Nick kissed and told on Andi's Men Tell All special. She is terrified that he'll do the same and tell Shawn and the others about their "off-camera" time. But of course Nick won't because the guys are finally being a bit nicer to him, and he doesn't want an Irish wake.

Just hand me out already

Already have roses: Nick, Sparse Beard Jared, and Kentucky Joe. It's been so long, I can't even remember when Nick and Jared got those roses.

Roses go to: Ben H., Cupcake Chris, Shawn.

Going home: Big Ben Z. (no chemistry) and Tanner (he's still on this show?). Both these guys will do fine in the real world of dating. was announced that Tanner will be on Bachelor in Paradise. Ben Z. doesn't make the cut for Bachelor in Paradise because he's probably on the long list for Next Bachelor.

Don't Drive in Ireland

Nick, Shawn, Kentucky Joe, Cupcake Chris, and Cutie Ben H. are put on a Paddywagon bus to Killarney. The Paddywagon advertises that it also goes to the Dingle Peninsula, which is maybe where this season is headed. Is that a real place? I've been to Ireland and have no recollection of this Dingle location.

Guess it's real

I do vividly recall the manual-only rental cars, the left-side road driving, and the many roundabouts. Kaitlyn takes Jared in her car to Killarney. He's the most chill of all the guys which means he is emotionally strong or lives on a fluffy cloud. He's a good road trip buddy for this ride. On the way, Kaitlyn and Jared kiss the Blarney Stone in a castle which all of Ireland has already kissed. This season, like many others, needs Costco-sized Purell.

Fun fact: Shawn snores. He looks like a snorer, right?

Chris Harrison, King of the Euphemisms

Chris Harrison visits Kaitlyn in her castle hotel room. He looks serious. Kaitlyn's broken the rules and now this show is all messed up. He looks like a tired dad disciplining a teenager. Euphemisms reign on this show. It goes something like this:

Because of Kaitlyn's "off-camera time" she can't be brought to meet the families. If the men/families find out about Nick before she can "even the playing field," this can turn ugly. The other relationships must get "up to speed" by putting the 3 Fantasy Suite dates before the Hometowns. This means that 3 guys go home soon, then the 3 Fantasy Suites, then only 2 Hometowns, then Final Ceremony. This kind of sucks because the Hometowns are the best. They're also crucial for figuring out relationships, although that's less of an issue because marriages (and even 1-year relationships) are so rare on this show.

Kaitlyn can't figure a way out of the web that is weaved, so she goes for this. Also, Chris Harrison isn't really giving her a choice. It's in her contract to submit.

A Real Cliffhanger

The show's almost over but a new episode is starting. Okay, let's roll with it. Kaitlyn takes the dentist, Cupcake Chris, on a helicopter to the Cliffs of Moher. He's stoked until she dumps him right next to the cliff (no chemistry). This is a terrible dumping location. Chris isn't going anywhere, but the crew gets nervous when he cries and gets close to the cliff. The worst part: Kaitlyn hightails it out of there on the helicopter, leaving Chris stranded. I'm not worried about this guy in the long term. He has a great job and he's nice, although his teeth may blind you.

Everything will be okay, right?

The Reckoning

I'm really hoping Kaitlyn comes clean next week, because if she doesn't we'll be in this purgatory of awkward secrets forever.


Nick, Shawn, and Jared get Fantasy Suite Dates.
Kentucky Joe gets the Irish boot.
Ben H. is the next Bachelor.

See you next week!

This bunny thinks this season's just too much

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