Sunday, 30 August 2015

Bachelor in Paradise: Weeks 3 and 4

Here are my thoughts from Weeks 3 and 4. Sorry so late, but devoting more than 4 hours to this franchise per week feels excessive!

Part of the delay is related to my AMAZING discovery: An awesome podcast about the Bachelor franchise called "Here to Make Friends." Click here for the iTunes link. Here's the description:

A HuffPost Podcast about The Bachelor, where hosts Emma Gray and Claire Fallon lovingly snark and recap the latest episodes from The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. Whether you love The Bachelor, or love to hate it, you will enjoy their witty discussion about this reality show and what it reveals about the world of dating. 

In case you prefer the blog format as written by some crazy Canadian, here are some thoughts about the couples from the past 2 weeks:

Clare and her raccoon: Paradise had nothing for Clare. Raccoon was a better catch than some (most) of these guys. Hoping for Clare to find a civilian husband because this show insists that she talks to animals. The joke is tired and Clare must be, too. Good luck, Clare!

Kirk and Carly: Carly's more into this relationship than Kirk. He's right, the pace of the relationship is ridonculous. The whole show is taped in 3 weeks. Did you know that? We're probably only at 10-14 days by this point.  I predict a short-term relationship that ends after the show.

JJ, Megan, and the girl that JJ left behind: Remember when Amy Schumer said that JJ was a "turd" who lacked charisma, humility, and a sense of humour? Turns out JJ's funny and pretty charismatic. Not so much humility, but he admits to living in mom's basement. I found out via Twitter that JJ did not end up with the woman for whom he left the show. Megan and JJ were the weirdest match ever, at least she has a souvenir sombrero.

Dan/Ashley S./Amber: So, here's the thing about Dan. The women like him more than he likes them. And his chest hair is looking funny as it grows back. Ashley S. is awesome. Ya, she's kooky when she drinks, but she's the most rational one around. I agree with everything she says, and it makes perfect sense to befriend crabs and birds in that environment. Can't trust the humans. I'm glad she got JJ's rose! Amber and Dan aren't going to last. Did you catch him talk about wanting to date Samantha?!?

Ashley S. and Nick: Doooomed relationship. Nick sometimes looks okay, sometimes looks like a smarmy Steve Buscemi.

Eyelashley and Jared: Jared's morose and has no interest in Eyelashley. He is bad at being direct, but Eyelashley seems to need the clear: "I don't like you" memo. Is she really going to try to entice Jared into a fantasy suite date? She has so much to offer, but seems to put men on this weird pedestal once she's interested in them. Eyelashley, they are guys not gods, curb your enthusiasm please.

Juelia and Mikey: Hahaha this relationship is as fake as Mexican wrestling exhibitions. Remember how Juelia recoiled when Mikey tried to kiss her in Week 2? Terrible couple.

Joe and Samantha: Their reality show lies are probably making their real lives hell. Piling on more of the same isn't really necessary at this point. Joe lied. Do you remember when Lily Taylor sang the Joe Lies song in Say Anything in the 1980s? Well, I do. Here's a clip (click here). Getting back to present times, these two really messed up on this show...because it's televised and they spoke out loud and their thoughts are mean. I don't really care about the "Who is worse" debate. Joe manipulated Juelia and says all sorts of sexist things, including calling Samantha a buck to put on his wall. Samantha denies everything when it's clear she's lying, but men still want to date her (Dan, sweaty Justin, Nick Buscemi). She looks like an evil queen from the Disney franchise.

Tenley and Joshua: I can't get over Joshua's molly in a coconut comments. Tenley seems nice. Why is she obsessed with his hand size? Not going to last.

Michael G. and his law degree: He was a good catch, but objective data such as: "nice and kind with good career" don't seem to matter. Arrival limo to reject limo in 5 minutes.

Jade and Tanner: The most likely to be exchanging vows on next year's show. They stand a chance!

Four more hours of Paradise this week, oh the humanity!


  1. Are you going to recap the rest of the season?

    1. Hi Jen, thanks for reading. Yes, I'll recap the rest, but it will be abbreviated. Four hours per week of Paradise was a bit of an overdose!!