Wednesday, 9 September 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Season 2: The Road to the Finale, and the Last Couple(s) Standing!

Take me down to Paradise City where the peeps are sweaty and the sand is gritty (Guns and Roses, 1987)

Here we are, at the end of the Bachelor Franchise's summer intensive. I love this show, but I live in Canada. It's only hot here for, like, 6 weeks a year. I wanted to recap sooner, but the chance to sit on patios with cocktails only lasts so long before I'm buried under a snowdrift.

My world for 10 months of the year

Here are my thoughts on the final two weeks:


On week 5, everyone not already in a relationship gets sent home. Mass exodous requiring multiple mini-van trips to the safe-hotel. Then Chris Harrison freaks the remaining couples out by saying that if they accept a final rose, it means that they are committing to "marriage, kids, the whole thing." The show tapes over three weeks, anyone else feeling this is a bit rushed? Kirk, I'm looking at you dude.


We'll start with the "winners" and end with the solo travellers.

Jade and Tanner: Let's start with the best. These two are well-matched. There was zero drama and lots of mutual respect. Jade said that Tanner is the first guy to love every part of her. Adorable. The wild mustang and the I.T. guy (that's what he looks like to me) are engaged! Too bad the proposal had to happen with Tanner drenched in sweat. Couldn't the producers spring for a shaded canopy? Prediction: Married in Mexico in summer 2015.

Ruining all Mexican engagements

Samantha and Nick: I don't buy it. Nick looks at Samantha like she's a juicy cheeseburger and Samantha stares back vacantly. Nick threw his partner under the bus on Bachelor Pad by choosing not to split the $250,000, thereby keeping it all for himself. Whatta prince. Supposedly, they're still dating, even though Samantha seemed to have waaay more chemistry with Joe. So much that the images haunt my nightmares. She's just sticking around to prove she was in it for "love." Prediction: Once everyone forgets about this show, Samantha will dump the dude. She's already keeping 3 guys hooked via texts. Options, thee remain open.

Cassandra, Justin, and Jonathan: Justin was the default date dude. He went out with everyone, even one of the parakeets, a fat crab, and Jorge's sister. Besides Justin's horrible sunburn, there was not much to remember. Oh, except he likes to "conversate." When Cassandra asked what he liked about her, Justin could only come up with: "Yous pretty lady." At least say you like her hair or eyes or extreme height. Work harder. Justin's laziness gets him dumped by Cassandra after the show and...surprise! Jonathan and Cassandra got together in Detroit (where they both live) when they met at a work gig. See, you can totally meet people to date in real life when those people are people you met on a reality show! Prediction: Cassandra and Jonathan will date a while even though they said on After Paradise that their kids fight all the time.

Fine, they're cute


Carly and Kirk: Carly liked Kirk more than he liked her. Kirk said at the beginning that he wanted to take it slow because he was just out of a break-up. Carly was very excited about Kirk. Kirk found her excitement endearing and went with it. Until he found the excitement to be terrifying. Disastrous pacing mismatch. They could have made it in different circumstances, as they're not a bad match. Kirk was really annoying during the break up, insisting that Carly hear his break-up speech. An obvious attempt to mollify his own conscience. Good for Carly holding her ground. I hope she forgives him, for herself - carrying around that anger can't be healthy. Prediction: Carly will write more break-up songs. Kirk will be even more gun-shy in future relationships.

Tenley and Joshua: Tenley is just so nice. She basically pulled a Kirk (last minute break-up) but she phrased it way better so she got away with it. No way she broke up with Joshua because of the long-distance. She just didn't like Joshua enough to be with him. Prediction: Tenley will be engaged within the year. Joshua will compare every other girlfriend to Tenley. Keep away from spiked coconuts, K Joshy?

Eyelashley and Jared: Jared looked morose the entire season. He had a bubble over his head saying, "Why did I do this stupid show, better suck it up, collect the paycheck and hightail it back to Rhode Island." The issue wasn't Kaitlyn, it was the fact that he's too down-to-earth for Paradise. I hope that Eyelashley learns this: If you have to work hard to impress a guy, he's not worth it because one day you'll be sitting at home in sweats eating Häagen Dazs and watching Bachelor in Paradise Season 8 and you won't want to feel insecure about it in front of your husband. Eyelashley Prediction: Her sister blames her for messing up the relationship. Jared Prediction: I find out what restaurant Jared manages in Rhode Island and I totally go there for dinner.

Just Googled it, he manages this place. Oysters, mmm.


Ashley S.: Love her. Please, let her host her own show on Animal Planet.

Amber: No luck with either Dan or Justin. She's friends with Samantha (as per After Paradise) - huh?

Jaclyn: Couldn't get a date, but best quotes of the season. 1) On Justin choosing Cassandra over her because they're both parents: "So, like, I didn't get knocked up when I was 19. Sorry." 2) On the "key to success" on Paradise: being a single parent, talking to animals/fruits, or being a "total psychopath": "I can't tell if I'm winning or losing."

Chelsie: I'm pretty sure she was on this show.

Mikey: Will drown his sorrows in protein shakes.

Do people really drink this stuff?

Juelia: Does not belong on reality television. She has already played her "but I left my kid to find love" card twice. Needs to accept that she will have to find love it the real world. Get this woman a babysitter so she can go out once a month.

Dan: Not into the women who like him (Amber, Ashley S.) and doesn't make a move on the women he likes (Samantha, Cassandra). Dating strategy needs improvement.

Mackenzie: Her son is named Kale and maybe it should be illegal to do that to a child. She's into aliens and stuff. Help.


1. Out of 29 people on a reality dating show (yes, there were 29 cast members), 2 will get engaged. That's a 7% chance (I did the math). Civilian dating is still superior to Bachelor dating.

2. An After Paradise reality show is kind of like adding fries to a burrito. Maybe sounds good for a second before you realize, nope, not really necessary.

3. Cannibal crabs are taking over Mexico. Someone should look into this.

We're taking ovah!

4. Jorge's idea of a cocktail is putting soda with cranberry and vodka. And he has no idea about the relationships. But he better come back next year.

5. Love and drama-free couples conquer all! Yay for Janner!!!

That's all for Bachelor in Paradise Season 2. If I can muster the energy, I'll see you back here for a vanilla season with Ben Higgens as the Bachelor.

The Bachelor Season 20 premieres on January 4, 2016. 

See you in January!

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