Wednesday, 16 December 2015

The Bachelor with Ben H. - Contestant Preview: Yes, They Really Wrote This Stuff!

I know you're all looking forward to Ben's season. I did you a favour and went through the contestant profiles posted on ABC. You're welcome! ABC asks important questions about a) favourite animals and b) anti-aging routines for women under 30.

Here's what Ben has to choose from:

From Previous Seasons:

Amber: She just had a depressing run on Bachelor in Paradise. Amber's a bartender. If she could be anyone else for just one day, she'd be a zookeeper. Cleaning cages sounds terrible to me, but to each their own.

Becca: Becca was the runner-up on Farmer Chris's season, back for more inappropriate scrutiny regarding her chastity. Becca likes dolphins because they use only 20% of their brains (note: this assertion is not supported by science).

"Hey we use all our brains!"

Brand New Contestants:

Amanda: Esthetician and mom to 2 girls. The producers had the nerve to ask, "Do you have a fear of aging and are you doing anything to prevent it." As if they'd ask this of a male contestant. Amanda is only 25 years old and is already getting Botox (Not a joke, that's what she answered).

Breanne: From Seattle. Favourite book is Why Men Love Bitches. Breanne wants to "show America that anything is possible" and "God will give you the desires of your heart." Reality to Breanne: there's is a 96% chance you'll get rejected (27 out of 28 contestants will lose).

Caila: If she were a fruit, she'd be a pomegranate. There is no right answer to the fruit question.

Twins Emily and Haley: 22-year old identical twins - just seems wrong, and they are so young, in age and in their answers to the ABC questionnaire. Emily's bucket list includes going to Six Flags and riding every ride. Haley's favourite movie is We bought a Zoo. Oh, honeys.

Adults are not the target audience

Isabel, AKA Izzy: When asked about books, Isabel says she's not a reader but she made it through 150 pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. Yup, definitely NOT a reader.

Jackie: Jackie's a gerontologist who can't do without the bible, her stuffed giraffe, floss, chocolate and running shoes. Yes, this is her list of things.

Jami: A Canadian so I'm biased to like her, but is her name pronounced jay-mee or jammmm-ee? Jami is not doing anything to prevent aging because she thinks that wrinkles show how much you've lived. Yah!

Jennifer: A small business owner who'd like to lunch with Amy Schumer. Good choice.

Jessica: An accountant who likes to watch the Transformers movie. That movie looks stupid, but okay.

Joelle/Jojo: A real estate developer who would prefer hot weather over cold "because cold can hurt, lol." LOL? Not into the gratuitous LOLing.

Jubilee: A war veteran with an exuberant name. Jubilee enjoys a Saturday night with her bed, blanket. pillow, Netflix, food and her cell. Sounds pretty good, actually.

Saturday night plan

Lace: A real estate agent whose ultimate date would be going to a sporting event to please her man. I say NOPE on this answer.

OMG THERE ARE 4 LAURENS (plus one Laura)!! 

Laura: An account executive who prefers cold weather for the boots.

Lauren LB: A fashion buyer from Oklahoma. She thinks that marriage is always putting the other person first. We'll call her: Lauren Gonna Resent Her Man

Lauren B.: A flight attendant who loves love. AKA Lauren Prepare for Landing.

Lauren H.: A kindergarten teacher who posts wedding stuff on Pinterest. Let's say she's Lauren Bride Wannabe.

Lauren R.: A math teacher who, if she could choose any three people, she'd have a lunch with Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake. Do you think if all those guys were at lunch together, they'd be paying any attention to Lauren? Bet they'd just talk to each other all night. I'll call this one Lauren Lonely at Lunch.


Leah: An event planner who is lasering off her dove tattoos.

Maegan: Profession = "Cowgirl." She has a fear of snakes and chops off their heads with a shovel. Yikes!

Mandi: A dentist. If she could be any animal, it would be a free range chicken. Funny that the dentist chose a toothless animal.

Olivia: A news anchor who loves the movie Anchorman. Because it's about news anchors.

Rachel: Finally, a contestant that admits her occupation is "unemployed!"

Samantha: An attorney who cares about her parents' approval.

Shushanna: A mathematician who loves to cook.

Tiara: Self-described "chicken enthusiast." Things she can't live without? Her chickens. Guiltiest pleasure? Chickens. Why Ben will send her packing? You guessed it: Chickens.

What's not to love

So those are Ben's choices. I hope he sends the twins home soon. Too weird to have sisters going for the same guy, and even weirder to have twins. Who wants to date the same person as her sister. That's all levels of ewwwww!

See you in January! In the meantime, you should all be watching Married at First Sight, a show where 3 couples are fixed up and meet at the alter. They stay married for at least 6 weeks as a group of self-proclaimed (but sadistic) "experts" comment on their relationships. This process doesn't work very well but it's kind of entertaining.

Only 3 more weeks until Ben!

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