Sunday, 3 August 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Welcome to Bachelor in Paradise!

But really it's Mexico, and the island is infested with fire ants. 

There are date cards and rose ceremonies. Chris Harrison, our host and overlord (now donning pastels), has added an evil a twist. Each week, there's more people than roses, and one or more contenders are sent home. 

It's totally The Hunger Games, Bachelor-style. You've got the contestants (AKA "tributes") from the different seasons (districts) fighting for love while trapped in the Bachelor arena. The games have the goal of entertaining the populace (us viewers) who live in a dystopian world (summer television wasteland). For die hard Hunger Games fans, remember how President Snow had those genetically enhanced white roses? Chris Harrison also genetically engineers his roses! One sniff, and you lose all rationality and common sense. How else can we explain these people's behaviour?

Let's go husband hunting.
The Contenders

Six eligible men: 
From Andi's season: Marcus, Marquel, and Dylan.
From Desiree's season: Robert and Ben S.
From DeAnna's season: Graham

Seven lovely ladies: 
From Juan Pablo's season: Clare, Elise, and Lacy (Who is she? Oh, booted the first night)
From Sean's season: Daniella, Sarah, and AshLee
From Jake's season: Michelle K. 
And showing up late (flight delayed? failed attempt at drama?): Michelle Money from Brad's season. 

There will be only 6 roses so two females must go home. But a few of the women are given date cards and get to choose their own dates.

Are You Still Reading? 

Please, go do something more important. 

Okay, If You Insist. 

It's been several seconds and everyone is in love and jealous and desperate. It only takes 14 minutes (true statistic) before Marcus mentions the "right reasons." Then Marcus states that you don't get over someone until you meet someone better. Not better for him, or a better match. Just objectively better.

Everyone Jumps the Gun

It's not even one day into the games, and AshLee's already heartbroken over Graham. She's so jealous that Clare feels compelled to rescind her date offer to Graham and ask Robert instead. That was nice of you Clare - you have the lead on Girl Power points and win this week's Powerpuff award!

"It's okay! All you men are interchangeable anyway!"

Clare is observed chatting with a raccoon but that was just the editors being jerks. Animals keep making cameos because they are acting with more sense than the humans. 

AshLee won't talk to Graham because he had accepted Clare's (now defunct) date offer. AshLee honey, that was not a betrayal! She forgot that to be in a relationship you need to first start the relationship.

Marcus and Robert immediately fall in love with Lacy who resembles Nicole Ritchie and is a ruthless huntress of men.

Elise is loving on Dylan and wants to say "I love you" waaaaay too soon.

Date Highlights In a World Gone Crazy

Clare and Robert: Robert gets covered in fire ants. Both him and Clare just stand there. Run, people! They plan to climb up the Mexican ruins. Clare does not know what a "vista" is, but she wants to see it, and thankfully she can read the brochure. No connection really (remember that Robert fancies Lacy), but it's nice to see Clare less bitter about Juan Pablo the Hated. 

Sarah and Marcus: Sarah is attracted to Marcus (already in love with Lacy). She invites him on her date. They jump into a lagoon. Sarah is proud to confront her history of shyness and she congratulates herself on kissing the hottest guy at the dance. This relationship will go nowhere. 

Michelle M. and Marquel: They go horse riding. I miss Chris the Farmer.

Lacy and Robert: Lacy invites Robert on an evening date where they actually eat the Bachelor dinner food! They must be starving the contestants on the island. Or they are getting better food, like burritos. There is chemistry (for Robert only). Lacy's just hedging her bets.

Rose Ceremony Dress Code Confusion

It's more casual. Marquel has awesome resort-wear. Yellow pants, nautical shirt, and tux jacket. Michelle M. teases her hair with extensions and wears a cape and boots. Because, totally what everyone wears on vacay, amiright?

The weirder and silent Michelle decides to leave before she can be actively rejected. In the Reject Van she insinuates that she has a suitor at home.  

Roses are given out:
Marquel to Michelle M. (obvious)
Graham to AshLee (why? he said she made him feel "uber-uber-uncomfortable")
Dylan to Elise (predictable)
Marcus to Lacy (whoa, totally dissed Sarah)
Robert to Clare (if he can't give it to Lacy, Clare's second best)
Ben to Sarah (saying, "this sucks")

Daniella goes home and writes a postcard that arrives at the island next week, explaining that she met a great guy on and why would anyone waste their time with Chris Harrison's mind games. The contestants can't process this because they are all under the spell of genetically enhanced roses which make them forget that you can go to a Sandals resort and have a much better time.

This is all so ridiculous, if you want to be a Grumpy Cat and give up on this show I wouldn't blame you. But I can't help myself, I love this stuff. See you next week!

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