Tuesday, 29 July 2014

The Bachelorette Finale: Andi's Final Rose and the Shame That Follows

The Scene

The Bachelor studio is crammed with votives and rose arrangements. The lighting is low. The mood is wedding meets memorial service. Chris Harrison's eyes gleam with anticipation. It's Final Rose, ya'll. We are promised a "dramatic ending you won't see coming." Most of us saw it coming. Except for Nick's Fantasy Not-So-Sweet Revelation. But more on that later.

Meet the Hy

Hy, Andi's father, is the Tony Soprano of this show. He looks like he may either hug or kill you.
Listen, let's get one thing straight, you mess with my daughter and cousin Vito pays you a visit.
At first, it seems like everyone in Andi's family is infected with scepticism-itis. But then they all cave and decide to accept both suitors - even with Nick's nervous giggling and Josh's trademark sweating. If Andi agrees to marry either guy, Hy promises NOT to send out a hit on them.

Josh Gets the Yacht and Nick Gets a Jeep: A Metaphor for Feelings

The guy who gets the yacht date is more beloved than the guy who is stuck driving through the mud. The only question Andi has about Josh is: "Is this too good to be true?" (I checked, this is not a real question). Josh says he "knows everything" about Andi. Sure, he does, until the love goggles wear off and someone has to wipe the counters and take out the garbage, and Andi's all, "I don't do that crap" and Josh has to eat his words, yo.

Josh gives Andi a personalized Baseball Card of Confidence, writing her name as "Andi Murray" on the card. I like that he lists her weaknesses on the card (plays no games, can't dance) - this is refreshing in a show that suffers from excess suck-uppage.

On Nick's date, she's pulling back a bit from the kisses. But she's seeming somewhat into him. She says their relationship is intense, intellectual, and passionate.

But Josh is picking out rings. And Andi's at Nick's door looking frowny. Uh-oh.

Ye Ole Interlude of Uselessness

"I herald the end of your relationship!"
Why must Chris ask previous contestants about their thoughts? Most inane moment: Chris Host asks Chris Farmer what he thinks about Andi being at Nick's door.

It's obvious Nick's a goner, but C-Farmer is too polite to say so. C-Host pushes it, saying: "But, do you think it's a GOOD thing?" What do you want him to say, C-Host? That it's the relationship equivalent of stepping on a colony of fire ants? (BTW, that's the correct answer. "It's like being swarmed by angry wasps" will also be credited as correct).

Andi Forgets How to Break Up

Andi was much better at breaking up earlier in the season. She cried, said nice things, did the whole "It's not you it's me" real convincingly. She drops the ball with Nick giving as her sole reason: a relationship with him would lead to too much "over-analyzing." She looks indignant and like she just wants him to disappear. (She's repeatedly texting the guy who drives the black "I've Dumped You" SUV: "Where r u already?!?") Nick doesn't buy it and asks outright if it's because she likes Josh more. Andi could have solved it all at this moment by coming clean. She does not, and this decision will haunt her.

Will You Marry Me and Baseball?

Josh is ready to propose. He admits that he finally found a love greater than Baseball. At this very moment, Baseball is crying, sitting on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. The rest goes as planned. A ring (sparkly and nice!), a proposal, and many kiss-pecks that look like aggressive birds feeding each other. Engagement, done!

After the Final Rose of Sadness

The Bachelorette has to work on its transitions. We go from the high of the proposal to the most depressing segments ever. Nick is sad, his pretty mom is crying, and Andi cares not at all about Nick's heartfelt note (written on scrap paper, no illustrations). It all looks staged, but there seems to be some truth in the fact that Andi was refusing to talk to Nick. Nick shows up on the stage in mourning attire.

Oh No You Didn', Nick

It's the moment where Nick finally gets to confront Andi. He can hardly articulate his thoughts, and jabbers unintelligibly, as he does when he's emotional. He then breaks a Bachelor(ette) taboo: He asks Andi why she made love to him in the Fantasy Suite if she didn't love him. Wowza.
"Prosecutor - You've been served!"
Nick calls Andi "cavalier" with her actions (and wins best use of a vocabulary word on this show). Andi is lawyer mad and goes on the offensive. She just wants this guy to disappear so she can start her happy life. But the comment lingers and Nick has a point - imagine how this would go over if the genders would have been reversed. You've just been Clare Crawleyed, Andi!

May the jury take note that Andi talked tales about her time in the Fantasy Suite with Juan Pablo the Despised. There is no resolution for Nick, and he slinks off, defeated by her defiance. Nick- Don't fret, I know you'll find a lady who appreciates intelligence, passion, and scarves. Anyone who can be so cold doesn't deserve you and your gaggle of siblings.

Let the Gloating Begin!

Andi and Josh look extremely happy. They may stand a chance! But it just feels like gloating after the misery that is Nick, and everyone feels a bit nauseated.

All's fair in love and baseball.
Chris Harrison Smells Blood

Not helping matters, we now transition to the purgatory created by Chris Harrison and his Producers of the Underworld, ironically named "Bachelor in Paradise." The previews show tears, crying, sobbing, physical harm, handcuffs, and...beaches? Chris Harrison smells blood and he's ready for a feeding.

A Grumpy Cat to Lighten the Mood

Then Grumpy Cat shows up because he frowns like Andi. Everyone forgets the trauma of this season because, you know, there's a cat! No one even cares that Chris Farmer is not announced as the next Bachelor. Except that's a lie and everyone cares, but they are pumping a scentless narcotic spray into the audience so everyone can't understand why they can't feel their extremities. Then the audience VIPs rush the stage, and the happy couple plays with the cat and all is okay in the world! THE END!

You're fooling no one with your happy ending.
Now get me some Meow Mix and a milk on the rocks.

I hope you enjoyed this season of the Bachelorette! Stay tuned for Bachelor in Paradise recaps!

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