Tuesday, 22 July 2014

The Men Tell All About Nothing

Men Tell All is the chance for Bachelor fans to sit in an audience and look crazed. It was like Ellen's 12 days of giveaways meets Oprah's favourite things.

"And every audience member will be going home with...um, nothing."

Let's Hope the Birth is Not Televised

Ashley and JP are cute together, but their judgement is put into question by having an ultrasound on TV. That technician looks like the male nurse from The Mindy Project. Ashley signed up for the Bachelor prenatal plan: Medical appointments may be televised, you can eat as much fake dinner food as you want, and Chris Harrison claims the soul of your unborn child.

"The soul thing was a joke, right?"
Juan Pablo is not brought back to talk about his love life. He's a Bachelor outcast now. Him and his no good pediatric nurse girlfriend. No juan likes you two no more. Juan more joke isn't so bad. I don't juanna stop even if it's annoying.

Bachelor in Paradise Torturefest

Only Chris Harrison (who may be the devil) is excited about Bachelor in Paradise (BIP). The BIP contestants all have this far away look like they just sat on a pushpin on national television and are trying not to cry. 

In the promos, the contestants remind me of a bunch of hamsters stuck in a box and repeatedly prodded with sticks. It just seems cruel. It's puzzling why these nice looking people can't find anyone to date in real life. Trusting Chris Harrison (known in some circles as Mephistopheles) to set them up is like Charlie Brown trusting Lucy with the football. They fall for it every time.

Love is just around the corner...psych!

Men Tell All Dress Code

Red pants. No socks or wacky socks. Better hair than on the actual season. 

Mr. Cookie Has a Seat

Marquel shows grace under pressure and deals with the Andrew (possible racist comment) situation adeptly. His maturity makes up for the fact that he is wearing a cookie broach. Loving those black and white cookies! Their last television appearance was on Seinfeld. Way to bring 'em back Marquie Marq. Marquel or Chris the Farmer for the next bachelor, please! 

This box is as empty as Chris Harrison's promises
Baby Blues

Marcus has awesome eyes, he's a cutie. When Chris Harrison (AKA evil incarnate) talks to him about Bachelor in Paradise, he looks like he'll cry. Marcus made a pacing error - moving ahead faster than the other person in the relationship. For this sin he is sent to break-up purgatory where he must watch footage of his errors for eternity.  

As an aside, bachelor breakups are so easy. Imagine dumping someone and a minute later they are shoved into a black SUV limo and driven to the airport. See ya, sucka.

The Farmer and the Belle

Chris from Iowa needs to know about the Farmer's Only dating website. Can someone please send him this information? Was Katra/Kendra/Petra (Chris's admirer from the audience) planted by the producers? You betcha. She claims to be from a "small town" in Canada which is later revealed to be Toronto. In case you were curious about Toronto facts: "Toronto is Canada's largest city, the fourth largest in North America, and home to a diverse population of about 2.8 million people." Just like Iowa! 

Chris B. Crashes the Party, Yet Again

Remember Chris B. from Emily's season? After he was on Bachelor Pad. Then he tried to get on Andi's season. Now he's on Bachelor in Paradise. He hangs out in the back lots in the off-season. He has one question for you: "Am I in?"

Andi Seems Pretty Happy

Summary: Sparkly dress, not pregnant (but unwilling to let random nurse manhandle her), does not care if Josh lies.

Bloopers are Better Than the Real Show

I really hoped they'd have Brian Basketball explain his pickle phobia (Freudians would have a field day with that one). I want a whole season of weird behaviour, toilet flushing, bad costumes, and Otrivin abuse. Bachelor Nation needs to petition for less editing and more real life on this show!

What was up with the mysterious post-script at the end where Chris Harrison (fresh from the underworld) drops off a letter to Andi. It's not in Fairy Tale Binder format, so it can't be Nick. If it's in rhyming format it's maybe by Josh. Guess we'll find out next week! Final Rose, ya'll!!! 

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