Monday, 14 July 2014

Fantasy (Semi) Sweet Dates: Andi Bachcap Week 9

The exciting fantasy suite dates are here! After endless flashbacks that take forever. Do they think we forgot what happened on the previous episodes. It's not like Inception or some other totally complicated film. I'll take a stab at recapping the journey thus far: Andi likes boys who all love her back. See how speedy that was? This show needs more efficient people on their team.

Nick Writes a Fairy-Tale (or Too Much Free Time for Bachelorette Contestants)

Andi is all, "it's so cute it's your first helicopter ride." Helicopter rides are to this show like plane rides are to the common folk. That private island looks a bit dry from the air, but phew okay once they land. They wore matching bathing suits. It's true love.

When Nick wants to say he loves you, instead he says: "Like, like, um, ya, um, like, um?" He's fooling no one. Andi accompanies his chatter with nervous snacking.

"I'm having difficulty articulating the obvious"
Nick knows he has to tell Andi he loves her. So he writes her a fairy-tale book, of course. That book had freaky pictures. The proportions of the Andi Princess and Nick Prince were wonky. I give the story and illustrations a solid 3rd Grade rating. Maybe he outsourced this task to little sister Bella. Totally possible. The writer (whoever it was) lost momentum near the end of the book - Nick's immediate family members were all stick figures. Because there are 1,000 of them, he is forgiven.

As an aside: The fantasy suite key, are they recycling it between bachelors? ("Andi, can you return that key, we need it for the next guy"). Or did they buy the keys wholesale from Hong Kong and they have a huge box of them in the Bachelor warehouse?

Nick comes off as sweeter and a little funny on this date. I'll be sadder if it's his heart that's crushed in the end. Even though he draws like a 9-year old. Sorry, I meant a really talented 9-year old. We didn't really get a post-mortem after the fantasy suite. Too bad, that was the best part of last season with Andi and Juan Pablo. The editors decide to yadda yadda the overnight portions of the dates.

Baseball is What You Do Everywhere with Josh.

I was wondering why Andi took Josh on the city date - until the baseball field appeared. Up to that point, it was the usual bevy of staged street vendors and dancers. Josh and Andi play baseball with the local children who I hope were paid handsomely for having their game ruined by a couple of Americanos. They hang out, Josh says he loves Andi, and they talk about having kids. Andi says she cannot punish her children. This should be a red flag. Josh will have to be the bad guy while Andi sneaks them candy. Terrible parenting dynamic.

We won at baseball! Take that, Dominican children.
Chris Popularizes Hide-and-Seek for Adults

A preliminary statement: Chris is either the next Bachelor, or he's already engaged/married. Or, he gets home tonight and a gaggle of women are waiting in his corn field ready for Ghost in the Graveyard and awesome family dinners.

On this date, Andi and Chris ride horses, which Andi hates. She says she rode a horse a while ago, later admitting it was 20 years ago when she was in elementary school. Andi, we are not counting pony rides in the mall parking lot. No wonder she's terrified. Andi says the landscape looks like Iowa which Chris finds absurd. There are yaks or cows with horns (what were those things?) and it's super hilly, not at all like Iowa. Andi's unintentional farm humour.

Chris + Equestrian of the Year
Andi says that Chris's family is the best she's ever met. And, Andi's future in-laws now hate her forever. Ghost in the Graveyard is played again. Now I realize it's just hide-and-seek for drunk adults. Chris goes for the tame version - it's daylight and he hides a few feet away. Maybe better so no one steps in yak poop.

In the evening, Iowa is vilified as the state that kills relationships. They keep having to take Iowa out of the equation, like it's a really mean relative named Jimmy who lives in Chris's basement. "Don't consider Uncle Jimmy when you decide whether to marry me! He's negotiable. Except he's totally living with us forever." Uncle Jimmy notwithstanding, Andi's not into Chris enough (unlike every female who watches this show). Chris is sent home to the farm. He takes it with such grace, he's even more loveable. Andi, you're right, your loss. But you can't force love, we all get it. At least your brain totally gets it too.

Chris Harrison Asks Obvious Questions

It was only a week ago, but everyone has pretty much forgotten about the tragedy from last week. It's sad. The machine stops for no man.

Chris asks Andi if she's falling in love. Andi calls the men "The Total Packages" which sounds hilarious. "Come meet my family, Package #1."

Suspenseless and Sweaty: Roses for Two

Dramatic music is played even though Josh and Nick are obviously staying on till next week. It's so hot out there, why'd they make the men stand through this useless ceremony? Couldn't they stage it inside? Andi talks on and on about it being a two-way street when really it's not at all at this point. By the end, Josh is covered in sweat and everyone gets a terrible sunburn.

Coming up Next: An "Emotional" Ending

Next week is the Men Tell All, AKA, why not to act like a Chippendale on national television. The men describe being fired from their jobs because no one takes them seriously anymore.

The final episode is being described as Emotional rather than Dramatic. We see Andi's dad with his trademark skeptical face. He's the only one with any sense around here.

Whoa on that Outtake

Hope you got to see the outtake where Andi and Nick bond over embarrassing moments. I'd like to see more moments like this rather than the "I love you blah blah" filler we get so much of. Andi says she lost an entire dress in a restaurant by tripping. How is that possible and OMG. Nick walked into a wall because he was checking out a girl, mildly amusing. And then they bond over being bed-wetters (seriously they did, this is not a joke). Right before an overnight date. They were duly warned.

See you next week for Men Tell All. Hope Marcus is holding up okay. And Chris. Stay strong, men!

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