Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Hometowns: Andi Week 8

It's a tough week for bachcaps due to the tragic passing of Eric Hill. But, as per the Bachelor(ette) franchise, life must go on? Oh boy, this is already super awkward.

Nick from Milwaukee: And There Were Many

There is one public market in Milwaukee. There is also cheese, cheese hats, and beer. The "Nick and Andi" brew was a nice touch. It tastes like a sweaty forehead with a hint of cheddar. 

I'm having trouble trusting Nick who states that the polka is a "Wisconsin dance." I fact checked this, and the polka indeed hails from Central Europe. Not sure why anyone would want to take credit for this dance.

Nick's mom has children aged 10 to 40. Is that humanly possible? Are we sure that little girl wasn't a grandchild? I can't figure out the math. The mom looks vaguely like Kevin Spacey's wife in House of Cards. FYI, the wall of photos? Totally inspired by the layout in the Milwaukee High School yearbook. 

I know she's just a child, but Nick's little sister Bella is a seriously unreliable reporter. Do not send her on a reconnaissance mission. And she totally didn't catch on when Andi answered a vague, "He's amazing" in response to Bella's, "Do you love my brother?" question. Andi totally out-lawyered a 10-year old. Well played, Andi, well played.

But Andi's most impressive feat: Remembering every name on that wall of 1,000 children. Respect.

Chris from Iowa: The Bachelorette Debut of Ghost in a Graveyard

His town's population is 758, but 759 when Andi visits. The town's so small they count visitors to up their numbers. 

I'm no farming expert, but that field didn't look like it was doing too well. What's Chris farming, anyway? I would totally want to see some footage where he describes his work. Instead, I have to watch a dangerous tractor ride where Andi operates machinery from a man's lap. They are lucky no farm animals were seriously harmed in that risky maneuver. 

Let's toast the death of my crops.
Chris and his family kind of come off great in this hometown. They're nice, but quirky and fun. And Chris himself seems pretty darned amazing: kind, smart, industrious, doesn't talk too much. Selling Iowa, ya'll. Could he be the next bachelor? He's very dateable!

I can't fully buy mom's assertion that "There's no limits for a woman on a farm these days." Sure, no limits, except if you want Chinese food, or a manicure, or an outfit that is neither checkered nor fleecy. 

The fact that Chris's family plays Ghost in the Graveyard as adults is both hilarious and terrifying. I would be very scared to search for someone in dark fields. Just imagine getting lost in the field, and a scarecrow rubs against your clothes, you scream but no one hears, and...where's the bus back to the big city?

Josh from Tampa: Sports Sportsy Sport Sports

One thing's for sure, Josh and Andi look great together. A bit like they're related. 

I know as much about sports as I do about farming, but this whole thing about guzzling sunflower seeds while playing baseball surprised me. Maybe they were just pretending to be seagulls.

A confident post-seed-snack smile. Now that's a MAN.
How can we be at week 8 and we still don't know anything about Josh's current job in Atlanta? We do know that his family is very focused on drafting Josh's younger brother to the NFL. I'd rather play Ghost in the Graveyard every single night than have to watch football every weekend. 

We got to see Josh's softer side, another surprise. He seemed kind of sweet and family-oriented. Not a bad choice either for Andi, but I'm not sure if he could be the next bachelor. Too much sports and not enough transparency regarding current employment status. 

Marcus in Dallas: Guess my Mom's Accent

Marcus, oh Marcus. With those beautiful blue eyes, you don't have to resort to strip routines in the middle of the day, or constant gushing of feelings. You're obviously awesome, serious, and sensitive, even though it's unclear why they were blurring out your underwear during that strip tease. 

Couldn't figure out his mom's accent. Spanish, Russian, Romanian? No clue.

Chris Harrison and All the Awfulness

Seemed kind of wrong to air the part where Chris reveals Eric's death to the group. They could have just summarized the reactions in a little Chris interlude. But instead they choose to be dramatic, leaving a long pause while they wait for Andi to arrive. As an aside, the host's house had a weird set up, the couch seemed too close to the stairs.

So sad, awful, tragic. There are no words.

It was really interesting to see the crew all come out of hiding to hug the contestants. I felt so curious about them. Who was that guy with the really weird beard? And how about the woman who hugged Andi for so long? The reprieve from sappy background music was refreshing. So disappointing when the production staff disappeared and we were back to the glossy over-produced show. I want a reality show about the Bachelorette staff!

The lighting and set up of the rose ceremony was downright funereal. It was all gloomy in there, with a bunch of candles that took on a memorial feel. It felt like someone was going to give a eulogy. So terrible. The tragedy also had a clear impact on wardrobe. Andi was not bedazzled for the first time EVER. Chris and three of the bachelors wore subdued grey suits. Nick did not get the memo and wore a jaunty pink suit with a jolly tie. For this sin, he was called neither first nor second.

Josh is now the leader. Chris was shockingly called second. And Nick, who realizes he is a frontrunner no more, was third.

Poor Marcus had the saddest limo commentary of all time. Don't worry Marcus, you are a total catch. In a few months, women will be falling over themselves to date you. You'll be fine.

Coming Up Next

Andi is caught between her head and heart. I'm guessing that Nick (mental connection) is in her head, while Josh (with his lack of job and sports obsession) is in her heart. And Chris is probably in third place but will for sure be married off in 6 months after all that great PR. Next week: Fantasy suites! Let's hope the men fare better than Juan Pablo did with Andi. See ya'll next week! 

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