Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Episode 1: Chris Harrison Called it a Train Wreck

Welcome to Bachelor in Paradise (BiP) Season 3! It's sure to be the most Dramatic BiP Ever.

The comic tone of BiP is awesome, with its 80s themed opening credits and bartender sidekick Jorge. The Bachelor franchise shines when they show they're in on the joke. At the same time, the humour is always a bit grotesque. Under the comedy there are ugly undertones of producer manipulation and mean-spirited edits. We can see this when the edits highlight Lace's drinking with the quirky music in the background (Look how Lace drinks too much red wine at home!) and Chad's violence (Look how Chad hits things!). Subtle, BiP is not. Sigh.

As always, we look forward to the group and couple dynamics. The setting though, is less than chic with its bunk beds and casual hang-out areas. It appears that a piñata vomited on the set. Even the trees are wrapped in local tapestries. The rattan fridge looks very hard to clean.


Amanda - Mama from Ben's season with 2 kiddies. She has a Disney Princess voice and she's like an adorable lemon marshmallow. No way she's leaving Paradise alone.

I'm looking for love, heehee!

Jared - A 3-timer from Kaitlyn's season. Jared's facial expression = resigned exasperation. He may as well be waiting for a root canal. He does not want a repeat of last season's relentless teary pursuit by Eyelashley (preview: she'll be back). I wonder how much they paid Jared to do this again.

Jubilee - This lovely war veteran spoke about regretting her attitude on Ben Higgins's season. Disappointing because I like that Jubilee was real. I'm sad she's been brainwashed into thinking it's normal to fake-smile. Jubilee needs some cooler friends.

Nick - "Runner-up" for Andi and Kaitlyn, back for a third time at age 35, a full decade older than many of these women. Old women are not allowed on the show though because that would be pathetic, grrrr. Nick's a bad liar. When "explaining" that he's back for love, he's grinning like he just stole a cookie from the cookie jar. No way this good looking, clever dude has trouble dating. Other more likely motives: fame, the BiP salary, money from endorsements. He's not alone, that's why most people are here, right?

The ladies liiiike (photo from, Nick's website)

Evan - Jubilee says that this guy from Jojo's season, who treats erectile dysfunction, is better looking in person. The way he's talking about Amanda is a little creepy.

The Twins - Always lovely when women are objectified and stripped of their individuality. Good on ya, BiP. Emily and Haley are the female Daniels but nicer. The rules are that both twins are if at least one of them gets a rose. They're not going anywhere soon.

Did anyone mention that they are twins?

Vinny - This barber from Jojo's season didn't stand out until Men Tell All when his mom loudly extolled his virtues. Vinnn-eeee!

Carly - No, no please not another "3 time's a charm" person. Carly is from Farmer Chris's season and she's a good narrator. I bet she's going home soon, and that's fine for her and for us.

Daniel - Canada apologizes on behalf of this dude who shamelessly wastes maple syrup and wears a Canadian flag speedo. Daniel says whatever wackadoodle thing pops up into his noggin. To introduce himself, he compares himself to an STI but says that it's good the STI is treatable. Is there really a cure for you, Daniel? The worst thing, as said by Evan: "Where there's a Daniel, a Chad isn't far behind." No maybe the worst thing is that Daniel calls Jubilee and Amanda "bruised fruit" and "street dogs." A charmer, eh? The best thing is that Daniel's narration is very, very not-on-purpose funny.

Izzy - No one remembers her from Ben's season because she was cut on the first night.

Grant - Big fireman Grant is all jaw and muscles.

Lace - On Ben's season, Lace drank too much and kept calling herself "crazy." She's now "made so much progress!" You judge for yourself. Lace is way more fun when played by Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live.

The real Lace, please step forward

Sarah - Yet another 3 timer, this time from Sean's season. Sarah was born without her left arm below the elbow, and I appreciate that she adds diversity to the show. She seems sweet, why is she back on this gong show? Nice boys don't come to Paradise, Sarah.

The Chad - Nooooo. Chad, from Jojo's season, is just the worst. Look at his Twitter, it reads like Donald Trump on steroids. I have no idea if Chad takes steroids but his tweets do. Chad likes "hot chicks" and thinks he's the best ever. He's violent and says anti-lady comments all day long. ABC should have thought twice about giving him a platform, but he makes great TV and this is why Donald Trump is the Republican candidate. Wait, they're not the same person, right? Cousins, perhaps.

Bartender Jorge - Beloved because he makes the drinks.

Chris Harrison - Host and makeshift bouncer.

Ugly Cordlike Necklaces - They hide the microphones. Truly hideous.

The plain mic wire would be more attractive


1. Chad: Chad is chadding and everyone is like, Chad, ugh, you're the worst, and he just chads more. The end. I'm way over this hateful dude. But it's hard to look away and even husbands who hate this show find Chad entertaining.

Chad has a 2-hour relationship with Lace. They're both intoxicated. Chad and Lace tease, then play-fight, then make-out, then real-fight, then Chad's right into the abusive language and threats. People are once again scared for their lives. Chad calls Sarah "Army McArmenson" and all the women are "bitches." What a jerk. Chris Harrison arranges a group chat and kicks Chad off the show. Yay!

What's annoying is that ABC casts this toxic dingaling knowing he's violent and acts like it's funny (e.g., the Jurassic park-like intro). Then Chad is violent and it's not funny because he's terrifying and they're like, "Awww, why're you violent Chad-bear? You can't be on the show like this, silly-head." Chad's exit is drawn out until next week so they can milk this dude for all they can. Chad likes milk but that's irrelevant because he likes scotch more. Chad does NOT like mimosas and thinks that Chris Harrison's a loser for drinking mimosas in a robe in his hotel room, which is a fabrication because Chris hates mimosas. As they argue next to the crew's trailers, Chris and Chad are possibly previewing the presidential debates where one candidate has a tantrum while the other is like, "Are you done yet, I have work to do, you knucklehead." Yup, that's my prediction people.

Drink these to help with election season

2. Chad and Daniel: Oh the conversations between these two cacaheads. Daniel has a high tolerance for toxicity. It's like he ate some of the Chad poison and now he's immune. But he knows it's poison and he's punched friends before and he WILL do it again if he has to. Daniel still thinks Chad is kinda like Mussolini, but maybe more like Hannibal Lector. Chad is sad that he and Daniel are not getting "murderous, but like together." Why are you so "un-murdery", Daniel? Chad has a better chance of kissing a turtle than a woman. Daniel knows if you're on the moon you might as well look for cheese, but Chad isn't looking for the cheese. And these are all real conversations.

3. Jubilee likes Jared: Jubilee takes Jared on a date. They are trapped in sea of piñatas because don't forget it's Mexico. A truly terrifying clown comes out and makes obscene gestures. What the whhhat? Jubilee is standing on her chair, but Jared looks like he might nod off at any moment. Jubilee and Jared have zero chemistry, but it's hard to have chemistry with a mannequin from Rhode Island so it's not Jubilee's fault. Previews show Caila and Eyelashley fighting over Jared while he takes a nap.

Don't clown around with them there piñatas

4. Vinny and Izzy: Already a married couple. Vinny is planning haircuts for their future children.

5. Nick and his blonde Posse: Nick only hangs out with the blondes. He's their mascot. Woopwoop!


Thanks ABC for the disgusting preview of an IV going into a bloody vein. Nick and Josh Murray fight over a woman, again. Jorge is crying. What did they do to Jorge?!?

This is a really bad show and I hate the manipulation and the reasons people go on the show and the whole fake mess. And, yes I'll definitely be watching on Mondays and Tuesdays. Come back next week for another recap!

"I hear it'll be dramatic!"

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