Tuesday, 24 February 2015

The Bachelor Season 19, Episode 9 (Fantasy Suites) Recap: "I Love You, and You, and You Too"

Goodbye Middle America, hello Bali. It's nice to travel, even if there's 100% humidity. Fun fact: At this point in the show, the women all get separate flights and hotels. Supposedly, this is so they can focus on their relationships with Chris. Or maybe it's just because any dude would seem attractive after being in solitary confinement. Let's bachcap!

Monkey See, Monkey Pee

Kaitlyn gets the first date in Bali. Chris offers her the city date, which means "I saved the yacht for someone else." Chris and Kaitlyn walk around and meet Balinese people and Chris weirdly hugs everyone even though he's sweating like mad. The sweat isn't his fault, but the sweaty hugs are.

The Balinese and their monkeys have partnered in a tourist trap. Tourists buy $10 bananas and monkeys climb on the tourists to eat the bananas. I'd never agree to this monkey climb. Just, nope. Kaitlyn does an excellent monkey impression but keeps her distance. Chris lets the monkeys climb all over him and he's rewarded with a monkey tinkle. It was so disgusting, his entire arm was soaked with primate pee. The monkeys do it on purpose because: no consequences. I'll eat that banana and pee all over you, and whatcha gonna do about it?

He's lucky it wasn't a number two

The relationship dynamics on this show are so twisted. Kaitlyn talks about letting her guard down, and Chris also talks about feeling vulnerable. Not a fair comparison because Kaitlyn's auditioning for the role of wife and Chris wields all the power. This huge power differential means that all of Chris's relationships are being formed in la-la-land. In real life dating, he'd have to work so much harder with these same women.

As per the custom, Chris proposes the fantasy suite at dinner, saying, "We deserve this." Kaitlyn accepts because they always do. Inside the fantasy suite there's a tub full of rose petals. Chris better pre-shower to take off the monkey pee. Kaitlyn says, "I'm completely falling in love with you." Chris reciprocates: "I'm falling in love with you too." Whoa, a reciprocation on this show. Just wait, there's more of these.

My analysis: Kaitlyn is funnier than Chris and has better judgement in matters related to monkeys.

The Yacht Means "I Love You"

Let it be known that the yacht means that the Bachelor likes you best. Whitney greets Chris by jumping up and wrapping her legs around him. Why are all the women doing this move this season? It's a monkey move, come to think of it.

Chris and Whitney board the old-fashioned yacht with a drunk looking Balinese captain at the helm. The captain backs into the docks, but sure, let's go out on the open seas with this guy. Surprisingly, no seasickness for the two lovebirds. Other than the drunken captain, the date isn't so interesting. Chris must reassure Whitney that it's not a big deal that her sister didn't give Chris the blessing to propose. Whitney feels "disadvantaged" because she didn't get the blessing, even though the sister said that Chris could ask again when he's actually ready to propose. Sigh. Her sister is so rational, Whitney's lucky to have such a level-headed big sis. It's too bad she can't appreciate this in her single-minded quest for a hubbie.

Was there anyone standing on that dock?

At dinner, Whitney explains that she also feels "disadvantaged" because she didn't get to spend time in Arlington. She won't be wishing for more Arlington time once she's stuck in that house with 4 to 6 kids (his number). Her word "disadvantaged" means that Whitney sees this as a competition. She's soooo set on this prize. Chris is (stupidly) worried that Whitney won't want to quit her job. Whitney explains that she only had her career "in case" her plan to be a wife and mom didn't work out. Helpful hint: Don't say this at your job interview. Whitney's employers are watching and they're feeling less excited that they let Chris mess with the embryos. Whitney tells Chris that she's ready to have babies and he looooves this. He just wants the housewife. Her fertility job was a convenient advertisement: "I make babies."

Whitney has long ago said that she loves Chris. Chris is also falling in love with her and he can see himself proposing. He offers the fantasy suite. Whitney pauses for effect, but we know she's all in. Him: "Let's take things to the next level." Her: "Check please." Seriously, they both said these things. It's a fair bet that Arlington will soon have 4 to 6 more inhabitants.

My analysis: Whitney and Chris want to reproduce and populate that town. This shared goal unites them and makes her the frontrunner.

Becca Better Say Something Soon

Really, enough with this whole "Becca's a virgin" thing. The whole date is a preamble to the big reveal. For this date, Chris takes Becca to a Balinese farm town where he can geek out over the agricultural techniques of yore. They visit a medium who makes really boring predictions, but at least he doesn't pee on you. "You are a very good couple. You will be good parents." Chris dares to ask what's Becca's biggest weakness, and the medium says "Hard to Control." Okay, that one was intriguing. Then the medium suggests "making love" and facing west while doing this. You must be completely covered in the Balinese temples, but here's the Dr. Ruth of Bali with the sexy advice. Or maybe he's the Balinese Dan Savage. Take your pick.

"Hahaha your producers paid me $100 US dollars to say this"

Becca keeps talking about the "temptations" of the fantasy suite. That medium really got to her. At dinner, no word about her secret, though. Becca tells Chris that she'd have to be very sure about the relationship to move to Arlington. This is so reasonable a statement, but on this show it's considered brave to admit having any sort of preference as pertains to your life. The right answer on the Bachelor to every question: "Whatever you want is what I want."

Becca tells Chris she thinks she's falling in love but she ends this with a question mark. He tells Becca he knows he's falling in love with her. Okay, what? He loves them all? Chris would totally propose a sister-wives scenario but he must know that wouldn't fly.

In the fantasy suite, finally, FINALLY, Becca tells Chris her secret. He's shocked but recovers nicely.

"I told everyone else this already, so here goes"

No idea what went on in the fantasy suite with the temptations, but how gross is it that Chris just did the same thing with two other women in the same week. Turns my stomach more than Captain Tipsy's yacht. The next morning, Becca and Chris are not doing okay. They had some sort of serious conversation that didn't sit well with them.

My analysis: Chris can see Becca as his baby-mama, and she'd fit in with the Iowa people. Her withholding nature makes him work harder, and this farmer ain't afraid of work.

Chris Harrison is the Advice Monkey on Your Shoulder

Farmer Chris is freaking out the morning of the rose ceremony. He has a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison who proposes the excellent strategy of weighing the pros and cons of each woman. Like you would if you were hoping to buy a vacuum. Farmer Chris is sure about one rose ("I'm falling in love with Whitney") but he's debating between Kaitlyn and Becca. He knows that Kaitlyn would move to Arlington, but Becca isn't sure yet. He knows she's "passionate" from the fantasy suite but he's not happy that she wouldn't move to Iowa right away.

"Do what's best for you and our ratings"

Time for the rose ceremony. And they're wearing these outfits:

Farmer's looking cinched

The women are also in special temple outfits:

Not awkward at all

Farmer Chris preempts the ceremony to talk privately to Becca. No kissing allowed in the temple, just how Becca likes it. Okay that wasn't nice, but that's what her mom and sister would have said. Chris sits down with Becca and gets the reassurance that she's also falling in love with him. She comes back to the rose ceremony with a big smile on her face and we all know Kaitlyn's a goner.

First rose goes to Whitney, second rose to Becca.

Kaitlyn's so blindsided, it's hard to watch. All she can say: "What happened?" Fair enough, Kaitlyn. The guy just told her that he was falling in love, of course she's surprised. I also thought she'd be final two. A maniac rooster is making a racket in the background during their break-up. Hopefully, with time, Kaitlyn will find this whole thing hilarious. Not yet, though. Chris's platitudes are useless. In the limo of rejection, Kaitlyn calls this the most humiliating moment of her life. She says she's confused and the whole cockadoodledoody thing blows her mind.

Let's take a step back here. Chris and Kaitlyn weren't the perfect match in terms of personality.  I really couldn't see her cooped up in his farm house with the 4 to 6 kids. Kaitlyn's too dynamic for that kind of lifestyle. My opinion: she's a great option for Bachelorette. Kaitlyn's like Desiree with a better sense of humour, and minus the homicidal brother. If she doesn't get Bachelorette, some awesome guy will snap her up as quickly as a monkey will pee on you.

Coming Up Next: Women tell all next week, then a 3-hour finale the week after that. From Eyelashley to Kelsey to Britt to Ashely S., there's a lot of potential for interesting stuff next week. Can't wait!

"But who will he pick?"
This monkey's not stressing about it

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