Monday, 16 February 2015

The Bachelor Season 19, Episode 7 Recap - Chris Tells All (Or Nothing) and Hellloooo Iowa

The Bachelor had a special night on Sunday, February 15: Chris Tells All followed by a full episode in Iowa. The Bachelor is messing with its format, leaving rose ceremonies as cliffhangers. If you missed the drama on Sunday, or if you just want to relive it, here's your bachcap.

Chris Tells Nothing

This was a non-event. First, Chris Harrison interviews Kelsey (disliked widow). Kelsey really needs PR advice. She counters the allegations of manipulation and condescension by overusing big words and making up a new word: "malintentions." I checked, not in the dictionary. I think she meant "ill intentions." Kelsey anticipates a "crucifixion" at Women Tell All - a metaphor some people may not appreciate. Humility, humour, and genuineness would have helped more. I miss Eyelashley. 

In the news: Kelsey resigned from her guidance counsellor job and will be moving to Paris to be a writer. No comment.

Next, we have the completely banal interview with Farmer Chris. Nothing happens, just a bunch of old footage, but I find their treatment of Ashley S. to be rather insensitive. Who knows why she was wandering around the mansion and saying odd things. Maybe she has a real problem, maybe she's messing with the cameramen. It just seemed in bad taste to exploit this more. 

But seriously, can we spend some time wrecking reputations here.

The most interesting part of the episode was Chris Harrison's interview with Andi Dorfman, the Bachelorette from last season who recently split from winner/fiancé Josh Murray. They lasted about 6 months, which is typical for this show's relationships. Andi cries the whole way through, but she uses the same mascara as Eyelashley so no streaks.

Main points: Josh was her soulmate. They were too similar. There was tension. They didn't "better each other." Neither would back down in a fight. Josh was her first love and first heartbreak. The break-up was mutual. Andi feels grateful to "be a part of everything" (Bachelor family? Famous now?). But this was the "biggest failure of my life." Chris Harrison does some counselling. The end.

Chris Harrison obviously adores Andi. Could this be hinting at a second run on the Bachelorette? Or maybe Chris Harrison wants to ask her out himself. After a respectable amount of time has passed, of course.

The Iowa Episode

Last week left us in Deadwood. Sweet 'ol Megan is sent packing prior to the rose ceremony. Upon returning home, she learns geography and takes an actual vacation to Mexico (the country) where she falls in love with a cabana boy.

But wait, there will be no rose ceremony. The remaining women have to fake looking excited to go to Iowa. By this time on Andi's season, they were in Belgium. And on Juan Pablo's season, they had already been to Vietnam, New Zealand and South Korea. For Chris's season? Fields. 

Not a top tourist destination.

The Small Matter of Uncle Iowa

This week, the theme is: Could you really live in Iowa? As I've said before, Iowa is treated as Chris's deranged uncle who lives in the basement. Chris is a real catch, but can the women grow to accept life with Uncle Iowa? 

I picture Uncle Iowa as Steve Martin's "Ruprecht" in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Small town Iowa is fine and beloved by those who live there. It's just not going to work for most of the women who go on reality television shows.  

Jade Gets the First Look

First date goes to Jade. Chris is so insecure about Arlington, Iowa, he probably picked Jade for the date because she's also from a small town. But even Jade is taken aback. Her commentary: "There's so much corn. Cows. Dirt road. Telephone poll....I'd have to readjust to the slow pace...It's more isolated than I though it would be." This does not bode well for the others.

Chris and Jade do the only possible date activity in Arlington: Tour the ghost town and go to Chris's high school to watch a football game. Oh goodness. Already I'm crossing Britt and Kaitlyn off the Iowa census. 

Chris likes Jade but wants to see her "wild side." He could use Google for that, as we will find out soon. Later this episode, Jade tells Carly about her nude modelling. It's doubtful that conservative Chris will take this too well. His idea of wild: Kissing Jade next to his high school locker. 

Whitney Gets the Best Date

Chris gives another one-on-one to Whitney. They go take pictures of themselves around Des Moines to document their "love story." Can you say, "Cheese?" Whitney can! She even wants to show the pics to their future kids. Do people really think like this on second dates? Whitney then meets Chris's three best friends and they love her because she honestly wants to become the farm wife. Sadly, Whitney doesn't have parents. She's looking for awesome in-laws, a great husband, and a future dad. All the boxes are checked for Whitney!

All in.

The date ends with a mural:

Based on this photo:

Whiney says she saw the mural and fell in love in with Chris. She jumps onto Chris and wraps her leather-clad legs around him, and it's a bit icky but okay because it's love. I like how the mural makes Whitney look generic so it could represent whomever Chris picks.

Secret Road Trip

Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Becca take a secret road trip from Des Moines to Arlington to see what they'd be getting themselves into. This is the last time this 3-hour drive will be any fun. Same ride every time you have to go to a big hospital, take an international flight, or have a craving for Starbucks. 

Enjoy it while you can

Britt and Kaitlyn don't seem too impressed by the ghost town. What happened to that bar that was on episode one? Carly is okay with the town because the church has the same picture of Jesus as the one that hang on her grandparents' wall. Ye looketh for signs and thee shall find them. 

No Starbucks here

Carly is utterly frustrated with Britt. She can't handle that Chris may propose to someone who will reject Uncle Iowa and she's protective of Chris. There may be some jealously here too. This is what Carly thinks of Britt's behaviour:

Reminding me of Amy Poehler on this episode

Carly's "Britt Hand Puppet" takes it a step farther:

Behold the hand puppet of jealousy

Possibly, Carly learned the hand puppet trick on the cruise ships. Low budget entertainment and fun for all ages! 

Britt Skates on Thin Ice

Iowa has a skating rink that sets the scene for Chris's group date with Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly. They are all terrible skaters. There is no hand-holding while skating that you'd expect on a date like this. Only a lot of the following:


In Canada, men are expected to skate well and play hockey. Canadian Kaitlyn cannot be impressed. At least no one got a head injury. On the bleachers, Carly tells Chris that Britt is fake. 

Thankfully, Chris doesn't sell Carly out - he learned his lesson from last week. He subtly seeks the truth. Britt goes far to try to convince Chris that she can live in Iowa. She mentions having "reinvented" herself several times, and this can be another positive "reinvention." Wave the magic reinvention wand: I'm a farm wife! She says she wants to be a mom wherever she is. Chris doesn't doubt her for a second. 

Britt also talks about her family who likes to sit around and eat on paper plates. Then they all eat off of each other's plates. This would drive me bananas. 

Good salesperson

Although Chris seems convinced of her intentions, Britt is struggling to keep the "special feeling" she had from last week. When Kaitlyn gets the group date rose, Britt loses it. In front of Kaitlyn and Carly, she complains that she should have received the rose because, hometowns are coming, he'll meet her family, and she only has one family. Unlike the other women, who have two to four families each. 

See, Britt's thinking that she's making a huge compromise with the Iowa thing. She expects a lot in return. To suck up Iowa, it better be for a guy who adores her. Or maybe this is just her way of sabotaging the relationship without rejecting Iowa out loud. This way, she can appear to have given it a shot, when really she doesn't want to. 

Not the right time, Britt. And, what is this weird place?

Chris then does what he always done when confronted and uncomfortable. He stands up and walks off: "Goodnight!" Kaitlyn and Carly aren't too pleased with Britt. Later, Carly is downright giddy because she feels that Britt can't bounce back from her outburst. 

To be continued! The Bachelor's loves its cliffhangers this season. The previews show hometown dates with Jade, Kaitlyn, and Becca. My prediction: Whitney gets the final hometown, while Carly and Britt go home. Guess we find out real soon. À Bientôt!

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