Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Bachelor Season 19 (Chris Soules): The Women Tell All Recap (AKA Chris Harrison Loses a Hankie and Gains an Onion)

Time for the Bachelor's sour grapes episode, also called: The Women Tell All. This one was better than most with lots of drama. The take home point: It's a bad idea to have a blog where you write about why you dumped someone. Let's Bachcap!

Britt's Revenge

Britt cries through most of the episode. She defends her interest in kids, saying that she was a nanny and a coach and that she visited orphanages. That's one kiddy-filled CV. Britt feels that Carly ruined her chances with Chris. The top nasty comment of the night is when she tells Carly to let her speak because "you've pretty much narrated my entire love story for the past 3 weeks." Yikes. Britt gets full revenge by pitying Carly, saying that Carly demonized her because she was in pain. Pity is waaaay worse than anger. She also implies that Carly can't deal with her own emotions productively. This is how women fight sometimes. Fists would hurt less. 

Britt shakes it off

Britt still stands a chance at Bachelorette, but she's more likely for Bachelor in Paradise. And they'll thrown in Carly and Eyelashley, just to drive Britt bananas. Whether you like Britt or not, she's a good communicator. 

Did you notice the part after the break where Chris Harrison and Britt are having an off-camera chat? It's meant to look "live" but this show was taped. We're on to you, producers!

Kelsey Ruins the Silk

I'm so over this drama with Kelsey. Everyone's ashamed for being mean to the widow, but no one's opinion has changed. The bitter back row of Early Eliminateds go for the jugular. Samantha broke her vow of silence to smack talk Kelsey. Shhh, Samantha, we thought you were nicer when you were mute! Eyelashley remained unimpressed, and the other contestants stared at Kelsey as if they were smelling bad cheese. Kelsey sounds a bit like an alien guessing that the women show contempt on their faces. Ya think?!? On the positive side, her hair looked way better. 

Best part: Kelsey asks for a tissue and Chris Harrison offers her his hankie. She notices it's silk and proceeds to give a full honk into it. The whole audience groans. "It's yours now" Chris quips. But come on, where is the Kleenex box? 

Noooo, not the silk!

An Onion for your Thoughts

What can I say about Ashley S.? She's a true original who gets her own eccentric soundtrack. She gives Chris Harrison an onion as a hosting gift and proceeds to be as off-beat as she was on the show. Chris Harrison loves her outer space responses and invites her to Bachelor in Paradise. Ashley RSVPs: "It's just so weird that we're on TV." I guess that's a maybe!

The onion means I like you

Jade Knows the Truth

Chris Harrison introduces Jade as the one with "X-rated secret in her past." C'mon, that's a little dramatic, Mr. Harrison. He says, "thanks for being here, I appreciate it" even though she's contractually obligated. Basically, Jade is mad that Farmer Chris's blog said he was "disturbed" by the chasm between his impression of Jade (shy), and her family's description (The Wild Mustang of Nebraska). She knows the truth (rejected due to photos) but she's unlikely to get it out of Chris.

Kaitlyn for Bachelorette!

Kaitlyn gets a lot of attention, paving her way to be the Bachelorette. I admit, I hope it's her. She's sad, felt blindsided, and misses her dear farmer. That's pretty much it. I miss the monkeys. Hope her heart heals soon so she can make more jokes. Can you believe this is the same person who told Chris the plow joke right out of the limo?!

Let's find this lady a husband

Chris Shows More Respect than Empathy

Farmer Chris finally comes out to face the women whom he's disappointed. Britt hugs him for way too long, like 10 minutes or so. Everyone's sitting around, texting, making dinner plans. The hug continues. Britt's all compliments to Chris, but he's as cold as this stupid winter (sorry, I'm so sick of this weather on the east coast). He gives a curt "thank you" and then giggles to Chris Harrison as Britt leaves the couch. Um, she can still see and hear you, Chris!

It's fun to see your ex

From Farmer Chris, Kaitlyn gets a "you look beautiful" and lots of face twitching. She felt she got zero explanation for the dumpage. But it was soooo hard picking amongst the final three, the farmer explains: "Like throwing darts at a dartboard in the dark." Because that's how you should choose your life parter from a group. You could also: a) flip a coin, b) spin a bottle, or c) play eenie-meenie-miny-mo. At least he apologizes for making her stand through a rose ceremony for nothing. 

Jade hears, yet again, that it wasn't the photos that sent Chris running. But it was totally the photos and his fear of gossip at high school football games and PTA meetings. 

Chris Harrison the Author?

Awkward transition to bloopers! The best were about Farmer's dolphin laugh. That's so true. He's totally a dolphin. 

Whoops, mistakenly changed the channel to America's Funniest Home Videos

Chris Harrison plugs his book: "The Perfect Letter." Chris Harrison is divorced and I bet there are tons of women who want to date him. But he's sitting home at night writing a romance novel? Now this is unexpected. I'll probably get a sample for my Kindle and report back to ya'll. 

They wanted to call it "The Amazing Letter" but Jimmy Kimmel said no

Next week is the 3-hour finale. Does Farmer Chris pick frontrunner Whitney or subdued Becca? We'll find out in a week. See you then!

P.S. Here's an article with post-show interviews with Britt, Kaitlyn, and Kelsey. And here's Chris Soules's blog.

Chris and his future wife

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