Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Bachelor Season 19: The Final Rose Finale Recap! Chris Soules and Whitney Bischoff are Engaged

We made it to the end of another season! Farmer Chris chose Whitney as his country wife-to-be over the nonchalant Becca. Here's how it all went down, including the After the Final Rose special. (Sorry no pics in this post, I'll add some in later - I really want to watch Better Call Saul tonight before it gets too late!)

The Awkwardness of Live Events

There is something really creepy about Live Bachelor events. We watch this show for the drama and raw human emotion. Contrast the human tragedy with the slick host and jubilant audience and it feels a bit icky. We can admit being entertained by other people's misery and rejection. But the sheer enthusiasm of the live audience makes it seem like a blood sport. They know it too. There were moments where you could hear the audience thinking,"are we supposed to smile and clap when the people on the screen are crying?" May the Hunger Games begin!

Meeting the Farm Family

Chris takes Whitney to meet the fam and they are crazy about her. She's very chatty and they seem to like it. Maybe the Soules family is just happy to see another human. It's been so long! Whitney says things like, "gosh darn." She fits in fine. She's also a sure thing and lets everyone know she's ready to move in, yesterday. Chris's mom holds Whitney's hands as they talk. This would so freak me out. I'm not used to in-law hand-holding. I would also never call my mother-in-law, "Mom." Do people still do this? Chris's mother tells Whitney: "I could take you and love you." Whoa, nelly. These are some mushy peeps.

The Fam Loves Whit

Chris's family is freaking out that he may choose Becca when they are already loving on Whitney. They know from Chris that Becca isn't a sure thing and won't move to Iowa right away. Chris's brother-in-law says that Becca is harder to get and that's "infinitely attractive" just like a hard-to-get girl at a bar. I was also a little worried that Whitney was coming on a little too strong. In relationships, we want other people to mirror where we are in our own thoughts. When one person is not sure (Chris), and the other is so gung-ho (Whitney), it can be a turn off. Chris's family is not involved in this dynamic. They just like the nice blonde lady who will make the Iowa babies.

Becca Ain't Moving

Remember how Whitney brought a gorgeous bouquet and wine to the family? Becca brings over a few cookies on a plate. This is sort of how it goes for the whole visit. Becca is liked, but Whitney was LOVED. Whitney made a toast that made the Soules clan cry. Becca talks about the too-small town and jokes about Saturday nights at the post office. Chris's dad is hilariously mouthing, "there's no post office." Even the mail will not save you from boredom.

To her credit, Becca is clear about her intentions: no move to Iowa, she's not yet in love, it'll be a long distance relatioship. Her pace is so normal. After two months of knowing someone, few people (outside of arranged marriages) would agree to get engaged and move across the country. But this is The Bachelor where rash behaviour is encouraged. Can I remind you of the show's terrible success rate for marriages (11%)?

Mama Soules tries to convince Becca that she loves Chris, attempting to make sure that her son doesn't get rejected on national TV. Mama Soules is trippin' though. Missing someone and being concerned about them more than yourself does NOT mean you're in love with them. C'mon, stop trying to pressure Becca into "taking a chance." Mama Soules then hires a hypnotist: "You're getting very sleepy and feeling a strong urge to live amidst the corn."

Despite all this, Chris still isn't over Becca. He seems very torn. The brother-in-law speaks the truth: Love is not like buying a car. He's right. Love is more like being presented with 25 cars and you eliminate cars every week until you test drive three of them, and then you make a down-payment on one of them.

Final Dates, Summary Format

Becca: This date seems highly edited. We only see Chris and Becca talking in Al Capone's hotel suite. No footage of any outings. Becca admits that she's not sure what she'd do in Iowa, besides being assimilated into the Farm Borg (Star Trek reference, my husband made me watch it. We miss you Spock!). I'll translate: She's scared she would have to totally give up her life goals so he could pursue his. She's in her early 20s and, reasonably, can give no promises. She's not in love or ready for a proposal.

Whitney: She starts the date with her trademark straddle hug: "I hug you with my legs means I love you." Chris takes Whitney to see his farm. Wait a minute, he only has 800 acres? I recall specifically that he supposedly had 6,000 acres (as said on Week 3). Whitney shows abnormally intense farm enthusiasm. They harvest corn. There were Shania Twain commercials where I live in Canada. Then they end the date in Whitney's hotel room. She sleeps with a picture of the two of them next to her bed (who gave her that photo?). Did I mention that Whit's ALL IN? Because she is. Like, she wants to marry Chris. And she's in love, like really in love. Love, in love, love, marry, farm, love, Iowa, gosh darn, heart, kiss. Then Chris takes the room service menu and leaves the room (did anyone else notice that?)

Ring Pickin'

Neil Lane shows up and complains about the cold. He likes places where he can tan. Chris looks scared. We don't get to see the final choice. Cushion diamonds with pave settings are this season's look. Chris says he doesn't even know who the ring is for. Great story for the farm kids. "Daddy was trying to decide between Mommy and another lady, so he picked a ring that both would like."

The Barn of our Love

Ye Barn of Love is decorated with every hoedown yeehaw thing that could be found in nearby flea markets. It's like some farmer pack-rat's attic. Decorating tip: you can never have too many lanterns. Chris says that this is the barn where he raised his first pig. Of course, that's where you'd want to get engaged. Bet they ate that pig at Christmas time. This is not Charlotte's Web, it's Iowa, people.

First out of the limo and into the barn is Becca. She's wearing a long red velvet number. It looks comfy, like tight pyjamas. She's like a cow for the slaughter, maybe because she's too chicken to fall in love and too sheepish about getting engaged. These are farm animal metaphors because they are in a barn. Chris breaks up with Becca and she couldn't care less. He's all upset and she just looks relieved. No crying in the limo for her.

Notice that it was all snowy when Becca's limo was driving to Chris, but the snow is all gone when Whitney is in the limo. Possibly manipulation to suggest that Becca is cold, and Whitney is warm. Those limos were not shot on the same day. I'm on to you, producers!

Whitney exits the limo in a form-fitting black or navy dress. Remember that Whitney's all in and ready to get married. And have babies. Oh, and she wants to move to Iowa. Because she's in love. For the record, she loves Chris, so jot that down please. She's shaking because it's freezing outside and she's also scared. She talks way more than Chris does. But Chris gets down on one knee and proposes with the stunning cushion diamond in the blingy pave setting. Whitney accepts with relief. I'm personally relieved that she can't straddle him in that dress.

The happy couple sits in the window of the barn and, oops, Whitney falls down and breaks her neck and Chris calls Becca on her cell. Just kidding. They don't fall, they just sit there doing nothing, foreshadowing a life devoid of urban entertainment.

After the Final Rose

Chris Harrison is a bit off his game tonight, he seems more nervous or something. Maybe about the upcoming Bachelorette announcement. I'll call him The Host because it's too confusing with two dudes named Chris. Anyhoo...Becca comes back to rehash her total indifference to Chris's existence. Becca wonders if she was crazy to go on a show never having been in love before. Agreed, not the best idea. The Host suggests she was a "lost cause" all along. Ouch! Becca says she's now more ready to fall in love. Good ending for her. She stayed classy and normal, and she'll be fine.

Next out is Whitney is a sparkly saran wrap dress. Too short for a straddle hug, thankfully. Chris says he's so happy with her because he really wanted to marry someone just like his sisters. This is in equal parts sweet and disgusting.

Whitney only watched her scenes on the show. This may be smart or a terrible idea. Chris's ambivalence was so extreme. Stay away from social media, Whit. She's been sneaking to Iowa and The Host seems mad about this. Maybe because Reality Steve (spoiler website hated by the show) predicted that she was the winner. No matter, the couple seems happy enough.

We see some footage of Chris's parents pressuring the couple for grandkids. That is just so annoying, can parents stop this behaviour, please. Especially pushy since they know Whitney for one day total. Talk about putting the cart before the horse! Let them make it to the barn-alter first. Whitney and Chris will get married in the field where Chris helped birth his first baby calf. Awwwww.

Jimmy Kimmel shows up, thank goodness because this show is sugar overload. He summarizes Chris's choice perfectly: "Bottom line, Becca wasn't into you." Chris laughs his cute dolphin laugh and then Jimmy brings out a cow named Juan Pablo as a wedding present. Poor cow! Total animal cruelty for the sake of entertainment. The cow only speaks Spanish and has no clue what's happening.

In Other Bachelor News 

Ashely S. semi-accepts to be on Bachelor in Paradise: "I suppose I might be there."

Bigger announcement: Britt AND Kaitlyn are both going to be on the Bachelorette. The 25 guys will choose who will be the Bachelorette on the first night. Noooooooo! For this announcement, Britt and Kaitlyn come out in matching dresses like they're in some sort of mail order bride catalogue. In typical form, Britt acts very sincere and grateful, and Kaitlyn deadpans: "It's not ideal."

I can't call the show's choice misogynistic because they did this in Season 6 with two guys on The Bachelor. Twenty-five women voted between two possible Bachelors by choosing white or yellow roses. This is my issue: I don't want to see either woman rejected after having JUST BEEN REJECTED so terribly by Chris. Also, I was hoping for Kaitlyn - as was the audience, she got more claps, while Britt got some booing. I prefer funny and edgy to intense hugging and eye gazing. Britt's good with first impressions and making people feel special, she'll probably be the Bachelorette. But I wish it were Kaitlyn.

So that's it for this season of the Bachelor! It remains to be seen whether Chris and Whitney will make it past the 6-month mark (this is when most couples fail), and whether Whitney will really have 4 to 6 children. How much would the producers love a new Chritney baby each year? Betcha the producers have made a deal: one free tractor per baby.

I plan to recap The Bachelorette Season 11 (premiere: May 18, 2015) and Bachelor in Paradise (summer 2015). Until then, keep trucking, Bachelor Nation! And get some stuff done around the house, you watch too much reality TV (I'm talking about myself, obviously). See you in May!

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