Wednesday, 28 January 2015

The Bachelor 19, Episode 4 Recap: Don't Let the Tracker Jackers Get You

Welcome to week 4 of Prince Farming's search for his Queen of the Cornfield. This week, we reduce the flock down to 11. Yay! We might actually learn these women's names. Let's bachcap!

The Date That Makes You Want to Stab Your Eye with a Fork

Let's start with Camping Date #1. Ashley I., Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, Kelsey, Mackenzie, Megan, and Samantha (who?) are invited. This "let's get natural" date deeply offends Ashley I.'s fake hair and eyelashes. Mackenzie comments that most of the women "are not dressed natural on their face." Perhaps Mackenzie "cannot talk special with the mouth," but she has a point.

They go to a lake ("dingy pond") that fails to impress Kelsey, who calls it a stupid date made for "bimbos." In case it wasn't clear, she explains: "There are moments I feel like taking a fork and stabbing it in my eye." She's right, group dates are stoopid. But The Bachelor gods do not like this and they send forth a bee who stings her inner thigh. Suddenly, it's The Hunger Games: Bachelor Edition and Chris Harrison has figured out how to genetically engineer tracker jacker wasps.

Ashley I. makes an insightful comment that she is a "camping virgin" and also a "virgin camping." Touché, Ashley I. Her camping outfit is scandalous: tiny jean shorts, half-unzipped. And her eyelashes are longer than those of cows.

Camp festivities include jumping in the lake without a top (Ashley I.) or bottom (Kaitlyn). Chris explains on his blog on that this was part of a truth or dare game, which gives these actions a little more context. There is no explaining why he is fully clothed while assembling tents while the women remain steadfastly in bikinis. Tent building = do it with clothes.

Things devolve as whiskey is imbibed. Ashley S. sings "tatateetah" and falls/dances. Mackenzie talks about aliens. Chris sneaks up with a mask and an axe. Kaitlyn is the official Bachelor commentator and she's hilarious. Loved her ghost story about Ashley S.

The real story: Ashley S. takes Chris aside. No one knows if her behaviour is her regular personality, alcohol-induced or performance art. Maybe they just paid her to act like this. Ashley S. is saying all sorts of wacky things and Chris is humouring her. Until she says that she loves him (eek!) and she "hopes it resonates in your miiiiiind." Here's a horror movie plot pitch: Playing Ghosts in the Graveyard with Ashley I. in Chris's cornfield. There would be blood, my pretties.

We could ask you the same question, Ashley.

Kaitlyn gets the rose because she has the strong, fun personality that Chris likes. They may not be well-matched because Chris is touchy-feely and Kaitlyn likes verbal reassurance.

Everyone hits the sleeping bags, except for Ashley I. She sneaks into Chris's tent to tell him that she's a virgin. We learn that she had a unibrow and lunch box in middle school. But who didn't, right? Chris can't interpret the euphemism "inexperienced" because he's half-asleep and whiskified. Then Ashley I. attacks his face like a chimpanzee eating a ripe mango.

Cross Pollination of Gender Stereotype Propaganda

Back at the mansion, Chris's evil step-sisters (oops I mean non-smiler sisters) arrive to meet the women (why only those half?) to decide who goes on a Cinderella date. They interview Britt, Jillian, Carly, Jade, Whitney, and Nikki. We know that Jade wins when she gets the sentimental music during her sister-interview.

The date involves being prepped by a pink-haired stylist named Noddy who looks like Effie from District 12 (The Hunger Games again).

May the odds be ever in your favour, Jade
"You're no Katniss but we will do our best"

Jade wears a gown and she gets to keep the diamond earrings and the (Louboutin?) shoes. Score! Ashley I. is insanely jealous because she feels very naturally princess-y.

The date's a snoozer and involves Chris and Jade being forced to watch scenes from the upcoming Cinderella (2015) film. This movie is for 12 and under (chronological or emotional age). Although cousin Rose from Downton Abbey is Cinderella so yup, I'll watch it when it comes out on Netflix.

The Bachelor franchise and Disney's Cinderella are BFFs because they both promote the outdated notion of: The rich prince saves the poor pretty girl. Hasn't Lady Di taught us anything? Cinderella should get a profession and earn her own cash. I keep thinking about Destiny's Child ("All the women, independent, throw your hands up at me!"). It's not the 1950s anymore, people.

We learn that both Jade and Chris had failed engagements at young ages. The date ends with Jade and Chris waltzing on a platform as an orchestra plays on. The musicians smirked all the way home that night.

This week's subtle product placement

Who Wins: Toirtoses or the Hairy Hare?

The second group date is really terrible. Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca wear wedding dresses to compete in a MuckFest obstacle course in San Francisco. The only good thing: this somehow benefits a multiple sclerosis charity. Jillian and her arm-guns take an early lead and win easily. Everyone else (contestants & Chris) don't bother trying. Chris is all: I stayed back to help the ladies. Riiiiiggght. 

Jillian and Chris go for romantic dinner but it's a royal fail. She's dominating the conversation and Chris can only think of "unicorns and dancing fairies." She talks too fast and Chris doesn't have a fast processor. Corn, it don't move too quick. A low point is when Jillian asks Chris to answer a very crude hypothetical "would you rather" scenario involving a homeless women. Just, no. Chris sends Jillian and her black box a-packin'.

Jillian still has her true love, her own biceps

Dignity did not RSVP to the Cocktail Party

Cocktail party lowlights:

Megan blindfolds Chris and has him eat fruit with fondue. He has to guess the fruit. She will excite his 3 senses: "taste, smell, and I don't know." Chris asks what the game is called. She names it: "You Have to Pick Which of the Five Senses it is." Megan also named her cat "You Have to Clean its Litter on Tuesdays." (She's not the best with naming).

Ashley I. decides to tell Chris straight out that she's a virgin. She does, Chris is understanding, and she's crying because he didn't kiss her. Carly quips: "her mouth is not a virgin." Becca casually reveals to the group that she's a virgin too. Becca has the better approach: she's not insecure about this, calls it a life decision, and owns it.

Ashley I. does look a bit Disney princess-like

Britt (who is probably often the centre of attention in real life) is jealous of Kaitlyn and confronts Chris, asking why he's favouring the wrong type of women.

Confronting Chris is NOT the way to his heart

The "Why do you condone bad behaviour" move is risky and, predictably, fails. The Bachelor has special rights and these include: dating 14 people at a time, immunity from any and all criticism, and free passes for fantasy suite nights. If you don't like it, do Internet dating like the common folk. Chris later snaps at the group saying that they can leave if they question his intentions. Yikes!

Already have roses: 

Kailyn - Hilarious commentator from the North
Jade - Got to keep the earrings

More roses for:

Whitney - Frontrunner and helium balloon inhaler
Carly - Beth from The Walking Dead
Megan - Can name only 2 of the 5 senses
Samantha - Never heard of her, going home soon
Mackenzie - Alien conspiracy theorist and Mother of Kale
Kelsey - Tracker jacker victim
Becca - Owns it (V#2)
Ashley I. - Doesn't own it (V#1)
Britt - How dare ye challenge Prince Farming. Off with your head! But first, remove those weird earrings.

In the Limos of Shame:

Nikki - We know not of you, stranger
Juelia - Leaving with dignity and grace but she still has a sad story - hopefully will find love outside this show
Ashley S. - Her last words: "I feel nothing. I have no feelings. (Makes owl sounds)." Please, please producers, put Ashley S. on the hot seat for Women Tell All! I want to see if she's like this all the time.

Coming up Next!

They go to Santa Fe. Carly makes some moves. Kelsey is hated and then needs the paramedics. Seems promising!

This kitty's excited for next week's episode!

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