Tuesday, 20 January 2015

The Bachelor 19, Week 3 Recap: Jimmy Kimmel Takes Over (AKA The Funniest Episode Ever)

Welcome to your week 3 recap of Chris Soules and his milkmaids. Late night TV's Jimmy Kimmel takes over Chris Harrison's job this week and the results are hilarious! The Bachelor is better at laughing at itself this season. They want to be in on the joke, too, and it's AMAZING. Let's bachcap!

Jimmy Kimmel is in Your Bedroom

Jimmy Kimmel, decked out in a suit, wakes up a shocked Chris. They meet up with Chris's "sister wives" (Jimmy's term) where he presents the Amazing Jar. Whoever says the word "amazing" must put a dollar in the jar. Everyone is cracking up, but is secretly wondering do they have to deck out actual cash to be one of the drones on this show?

Costco in a Crop Top

First date card promises: Exclusive Club! Hors d'oeuvres! High Ceilings! Views! Kaitlyn and Chris head to the date in a limo and arrive at...Costco? Finally, a real life relationship situation makes it onto the show. Except not everyone wears a crop top to go warehouse shopping.

I've always wondered who buys those ginormous tubs of mayo

I had the fleeting thought that this was a metaphor for the show, like Chris has been shopping for girlfriends in bulk. But maybe that's overthinking it. The happy couple is sent shopping for goodies to make a dinner for Jimmy. Kaitlyn and Chris arrive back at a loft of some sort and start cooking which looks a bit like emptying tubs of pre-made stuff into bowls. By the time Jimmy arrives, much bourbon has been had. Kaitlyn and Chris giggle a lot together, it's pretty cute. But her red lipstick is everywhere on both their faces.

Jimmy Kimmel arrives and asks all the tough questions while the Costco steak is served. Kaitlyn is forced to answer that sure, she won't be mad if she wins the final rose after Chris, um, explored his options on the fantasy suite dates. We also learn that Canadian Kaitlyn has dated a "legit" farmer who had cows. Burn on you, Chris! 6,000 acres means nothing without farm animals. Kaitlyn is using the "Old MacDonald has a Farm" nursery rhyme as her reference material for farming. "And on his farm he had a...corn?" Nope. No line like this.

Don't dis my corn, lady

Jimmy specializes in making people uncomfortable and this is great fun for us viewers. Chris and Kaitlyn can't stop laughing, so it's not so bad. They all trade insults. Chris thinks Kaitlyn has humour and depth and it's one point for team Canada!

Like Jimmy, us viewers are eating chicken wings staring at people making out in hot tubs

Becoming a Farmer's Wife 101

The second date card offers a chance to meet some "party animals." I won't bother listing the 12 people on this date because most get zero airtime. Chris and the women arrive at a petting zoo of sorts where the women are told they must participate in a farm themed race. They must shuck corn, get an egg from a chicken pen, crack the egg in a frying pan, milk a goat, drink the goat milk, shovel manure, and catch a greased piglet. You know, a normal day at the farm! The goat milk part is so gag-worthy. Imagine drinking a glass of warm liquid feta cheese. Uggggggh.

Muscle Man Jillian is pumped. She wants to WIN. But what is going on with her bottom? She has a permanent black square affixed to her lower half. Her shorts must be seriously indecent. Despite her drive, Carly the cutsie cruise ship singer wins. She reminds me of Beth from The Walking Dead (AMC's zombie show). Her prize: a blue ribbon and taking this picture:

Fact: the painter of American Gothic was depicting a farmer and his daughter, not his wife!

The end of this group date has less manure and more saliva. Chris decides to follow Jimmy's advice and kiss all of the ladies. Would you rather drink the goat milk or kiss a guy who has just kissed 6 other women? Tough one, eh?

Mackenzie (Mother of Kale) confronts Chris on this. He's defensive because, ya, it's gross to kiss everyone, but he's The Bachelor so it's okay and BACK OFF. Chris doesn't appreciate being forced to consider reality. Mackenzie's not going to last long on this show. Becca (previously ignored blond chiropractic assistant) takes the high road and has a respectful convo with Chris on the roof. She says she wants to wait to kiss him. Because she doesn't want to catch anything viral lingering on his lips. But she says it's in the spirit of "taking it slow." For this power move, she earns the group date rose.

The Wedding Crashers

The next one-on-one date goes to Whitney, the fertility nurse who inhales helium. "My word, I'm so excited," she squeaks. As they hang out at a winery, Chris finally reveals what he's looking for in a woman. He's deeply attracted to women who can make random conversation with strangers in airports. These are his exact words. Chris would have loved my Grandma Rhoda!

They talk a bit and he manages to eat a bit of her hair that got into the food. He doesn't spit it out so he must really want to impress her. He likes how Whitney can "roll the cob" which is farm-speak for having a good, unhurried chat but sounds like something else entirely. They notice that a wedding is going on nearby and Whitney convinces Chris that they should crash it. Chris Harrison (on his own blog) insists this was NOT a producer idea. Okay, we'll go with it. With the battle cry of YOLO (you only live once) they are off to change into wedding guest attire.

Upon arriving at the random wedding, Chris cannot remember how to speak and he is about to blow their cover to the guests. Whitney is much smoother and saves the day. Chris and Whitney dance and have a great 'ol time as wedding crashers. She is sad that she doesn't catch the bouquet, lowering her "bouquet stats" to 8 out of 11. Whoa on those stats, Whitney.

Whitney has an Excel spreadsheet for her Bouquet Stats

At the end of the night, Chris seems smitten with Whitney who rolls the cob like a pro! Slowly, we are learning that Chris wants someone to take the lead in social situations. He needs his wife to smooth over the awkwardness. He says that he can absolutely imagine Whitney as his wife. Chris likes everyone so much, it's hard to figure out who's going to win his heart. But in this moment, she seems like she'll be top 3 for sure.

A Swimming Pool of Drama

Instead of a cocktail party there's a pool party instead. Chris and Jimmy prepare by co-showering.

I would bet the farm that they're wearing bathing suits

Here are your pool party highlights:

-Britt needs constant physical contact and always holds hands with a friend. She gets bored when Chris talks and interrupts by kissing while he's still talking. She's losing points this week.

-Ashley I. (eyelashes) is really upset that she can't do her "Kardashian" look at a cocktail party. She makes up for it by wearing audacious hair jewelry.

-Juelia reveals the story of the loss of her husband which is so sad. Chris offers all the right platitudes. No way he can send her home this week after this reveal.

-Jade initiates a tour of Chris's room while in her bathing suit and super high heels. They end up kissing on the bed. Outside, Black Box Jillian waits in Chris's personal hot tub to steal him away. She kisses him when she gets her alone time, but Chris seems unenthusiastic. Mackenzie, Ashley I., and Megan try to hang out too, but are rebuffed. Jillian's body language says: "Touch him and die."

-Chris and Ashley I. hang out later and she does this laugh-cry thing which is very confusing. Ashley I. is still very upset that Jillian did not allow her time in the hot tub. Chris doesn't know what to say. So, Ashley coils herself around Chris, aggressively kissing him like an anaconda eating an antelope.

Don't Be Yourself

At the rose ceremony, Jimmy gives Chris some excellent advice: "Whatever you do, don't be yourself, be someone who gives better speeches." It's funny because it's true. Chris really does have the worst, rambling speeches. This is why he so admires those who can roll the cob better than he can.

Already have roses:
Kaitlyn: Canadian Costco Crop Top Queen
Becca: Saving her kisses for Week 4
Whitney: Frontrunner, wedding crasher, helium addict

Roses go to:
Jade: Bold Move Award for Week 3 - The private tour of Chris's room got her noticed
Samantha: She has dark hair, otherwise remains unknown
Juelia: Her story is so sad
Mackenzie: Mother of Kale won't last much longer
Kelsey: The only woman with shorter hair
Britt: She made a great first impression, but she's losing steam
Megan: No momentum since her date at the Grand Canyon
Carly: Tougher than she looks! Has good strategy for wrangling pigs - Wait until they come to you!
Ashley S.: Acted strangely during the zombie date - edited out of this week entirely (why??)
Nikki: Another dark-haired contestant with no airtime
Jillian: She will hurt you + her shorts are not safe for TV
Ashley I.: Kardashian wannabe

No roses for:
Trina, Amber, and Tracy. We know pretty much nothing about Trina and Tracy, except that Chris doesn't really like them that much. Amber tried, but alas, no chemistry with Chris and she doesn't meet his criteria of being able to smooth over social situations. Maybe her work as a bartender does not allow her to meet the most marriage-worthy guys. My dating advice to Amber: specifically seek out dudes with really boring professions (IT guy, accountant) so she can be pursued as the more exciting one in the relationship.

Jimmy's also crying in the limo. He confirms that a Bachelor "week" is only 4 days (he says of Chris: "but we spent 4 days together!"). He should be promoted to a season regular.


What, there are two virgins in the house? We know from Chris Harrison's hints on the red carpet (Week 1) that one virgin gets to the fantasy suite. Ashley I.'s stock is falling, so it has to be the other virgin. Juelia and Mackenzie are ruled out (have kids). It cannot be Kelsey (was married), Britt (free hugs) or Jillian (black box). Kaitlyn (dirty jokes) is also unlikely. I'm guessing it's one of these: Megan, Carly, Whitney, or Becca.

This goat is Jimmy Kimmel's #1 fan

See you next week!

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