Tuesday, 6 January 2015

The Bachelor Season 19, Week 1 Recap: Farmer Chris and His Harem of 30

Welcome to Season 19 of the Bachelor! On tap we have Farmer Chris (AKA Prince Farming) and his harem of 30. Let's recap!

Oh No, a Whole Hour of Red Carpet

Help. No one wants THIS much of the Bachelor. Three hours = too long. Chris Harrison is manning the red carpet. He's thrilled to have "a virgin and two widows" on this season, because who doesn't love secret virgins and widows!

Don't Mind Uncle Iowa

First, let's meet this season's Bachelor. Chris Soules is a 4th generation farmer with 6,000 acres. This is like measuring wealth in ducats or ancient gold coins. No clue how much this is worth, but probably a lot.

There is lots of fancy cinematography showing how sexy a farm can be. Bachelorette Andi treated Iowa like it was Chris's deranged uncle who lived in his basement - i.e., the relationship deal-breaker. "You're such a great guy, Chris. But, what about Uncle Iowa? I can't really live with Uncle Iowa." This season, they've dressed up Uncle Iowa to make him seem less like a liability. We get lots of glam farm shots: Stunning fields! Huge tractor that looks like a Transformer! Chris in a sexy silo! Uncle Iowa's not looking so bad anymore. Except when you realize that you are trapped there with only in-laws to talk to for eternity. Plus those 6 dudes in the local bar.

There is a Cody growing in Iowa!

Back to the Red Carpet

Chris Harrison has turned into an annoying great-aunt who has nosy questions for everyone and doesn't get when you don't want to talk about it. He really badgers Sean and Catherine about having kids. I would have rather he asked where Catherine found the weird umbrella-cape she was wearing.

Other highlights: Lacey and Marcus (Bachelor in Paradise) look somber and awkward, but they're moving ahead with a wedding. Previous Bachelorette Andi performs mind control on her fiancé Josh by rubbing his back obsessively and talking for him. Nikki (who just broke it off with Bachelor Juan Pablo) gets the "Tell us how Juan Pablo is TERRIBLE" interview. Nikki explains the break up was over "differences" in lifestyles and priorities. Chris H. can't get dirt out of anyone. But, he almost made Nikki cry so he gets paid a bonus $10K.

The First Fifteen (With Their Rose Status)

Chris prepares for the limos by going to LA, getting his wardrobe prepped, and taking an outdoor shower. Fun!


He looks pretty great but he is visibly nervous for the limos. Here they come! Your first fifteen are:

Britt - Waitress and intense hugger. Looks like a hybrid of Angelina Jolie and a Bratz doll. This show loves her - she gets the first intro video in her hometown and she's first out of the first limo. Later, she gets the first impression rose and the only kiss of the night. She's already won. Pros: Charisma. Cons: Holds up "Free Hugs" sign in LA and hugs strangers intensely. Creepy, right? Also, Michelle Money heard a rumour that she doesn't shower. Rose!

Whitney - Fertility nurse from Chicago. Pros: Helps people have babies. Cons: Asks her tiny white dog, "Could Chris be your daddy?!?" That dog would be torn to pieces by coyotes in Iowa. Rose!

Kelsey - Guidance counsellor and widow from Austin. Pros: Seems kind and normal, open to having more than one "soulmate". Cons: Not flashy so may not stand out. Rose!

Megan - Make-up artist. Pros: Will be popular à la Michelle Money by helping others with their make-up. Cons: Little demand for a make-up artist on the farm. Rose!

Ashley I. - Freelance journalist. Pros: Chris calls her "beautiful". Cons: Nothing newsworthy happens on a farm: "Breaking News: Corn Still Growing." Rose!

Trina - Special education teacher. Pros: that's a nice job! Cons: She's 33 and thus considered a cougar by Bachelor standards. Rose!

Reegan - Donated tissue specialist (sells organs). Pros: Brings a cooler to the party. Cons: The cooler holds a HUMAN HEART. It's a fake heart, but ewww anyway. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Tara - Sports fishing enthusiast (i.e., no job). Pros: Impresses Chris by wearing Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots. Brought two outfits and changes into a black dress and re-introduces herself to Chris by sneaking back into the limo. Cons: Best friends with Jameson and Jack Daniel. Seemed like she was going to vomit, pee, and/or pass out during the rose ceremony. Chris had to take a time out to consider whether he wanted to give a rose to a highly inebriated contestant. Rose! (What, really? We shall dub it a Whiskey Rose)

Amber - Bartender. Pros: Seems nice, quiet. Cons: Carries a teddy bear around. Rose!

Nikki - Former cheerleader. Pros: Cheery. Cons: Won't reveal her current job. Rose!

Amanda - Ballet teacher. Pros: Tries to hypnotize Chris with huge eyes and non-blinking stare. Cons: Her pupils were so dilated, she should get checked by a neurologist. Didn't let Chris see her as she exited the limo, but this "secret admirer" ploy fails. Also, dressed like a belly-dancer. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Jillian - News producer. Pros: Driven, competitive, muscular. Cons: Keeps flexing. Rose!

Mackenzie - Dental assistant. Pros: Youthful. This season's Cassandra. Cons: Maybe too young for Chris at age 21 (Chris is 33). And she named her son Kale, like the leafy green. Tries to do kindergarten painting activity with Chris at a cocktail party - needs more cocktail party experience. Tells Chris she doesn't know what "alfalfa" is. Gosh, this girl needs to live a little before being on this show. Rose!

Ashley S. - Hair stylist. Pros: Lucky at finding pennies. Cons: Where to start? Puts penny in Chris's shoe. Intense interaction style. Becomes obsessed with a pomegranate that she sees in the yard and Must. Pick. It. Now!!!! Says axe-murdery things, like "Every person is like an onion." Asks Chris if he's "dying inside." Rose!

Murderous midnight pomegranate picking

Kaitlynn - Dance instructor. Pros: Comic relief, tells risqué jokes. Teaches Chris to breakdance. Cons: Would shock Iowa with her talk of plowing and fields and other stuff that needed to get bleeped out. I think Chris blushed. Rose!

Chris Wishes He Were a Polygamist - The Next 15

Chris is overwhelmed by the beauty of the contestants and wishes he can marry ALL THE LADIES. He goes inside and spends time with the first 15. He looks adorable and wide-eyed, and lets the women babble away and talk right over him during one-on-one time.

Chris Harrison takes us back to the "live" viewing party where we are introduced to 6 Iowan "farmer's wives" - he can't just call them "farmers" for some reason. The Iowan Farmer Wives like choppy short hair, heavily highlighted.

Marcus and Lacey weren't paid enough to sit through this screening

Back to the party and 15 (!) more women. Here goes.

Samantha - Fashion designer. Pros: fashionable. Cons: Wouldn't be caught dead in Iowa. Rose!

Michelle - Wedding cake decorator. Pros: gets 10% off cakes. Cons: Chris hates cake. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Juelia - Esthetician. Pros: well-groomed. Cons: Why does she spell her name like that? Rose!

Becca - Chiropractic assistant. Pros: Chris checks her out, seems to really like her. Cons: She'll probably give him an adjustment sometime this season. Rose!

Tandra - Executive assistant. Pros: Arrives on a motorcycle. Chris also drives a motorcycle! Cons: Tandra isn't a real name. Rose!

Alissa - Flight attendant. Pros: Free flights for her future husband. Cons: Maybe too cute. Wraps a seat-belt around Chris, pretends to be on Bachelor Air. We get it. You are on the planes. Rose!

Jordan - Student. Pros: Chris likes that she does whiskey shots with him right out of the limo. Cons: Her sorority doesn't have a chapter in Iowa. Rose!

Nicole - Real estate agent. Pros: Bubbly. Cons: Wears a pig nose to "ham it up." NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Brittany - WWE diva in training. Pros: Can protect Chris from the Paparazzi. Cons: Wears lingerie to the cocktail party and holds up a poster that says #Soulmates. Also, seems to have pink eye. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Carly - Cruise ship singer. Pros: Free cruises for her future husband. Cons: Carries a "Barbie's First Karaoke Machine" and sings a too-cutesy song. Wears children's dress from the 1950s. Rose!

Tracy - Teacher. Pros: Brings Chris a genuinely funny letter from a student: "Dear Farmer, please like my teacher so she doesn't end up lonely with a lot of cats." Cons: Chris doesn't get the cat-lady reference. Rose!

Bo - Plus-sized model. Pros: Brings much-needed body diversity to the show, seems normal and nice. Cons: The Bachelor's motto: The nail that sticks out gets hammered. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Kimberly - Yoga instructor. Pros: I'd like to see Chris do yoga. Cons: Chris hates yoga. NO ROSE FOR YOU. But wait, Kimberly rejects the rejection and re-enters the party as Chris is talking to the winners. Awkward! And a cliffhanger for next week. 

Kara - Soccer coach. Pros: Sporty. Cons: Soccer makes us think about Juan Pablo. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Jade - Cosmetics developer. Pros: Has well-stocked make-up bag. Cons: There's a rumour that she tests lipstick on bunnies. Rose!

The extra time for the first 15 seemed to help. More women from second batch get the boot.


Next week we find out if Chris had good judgement in keeping a bunch of heavy drinkers on the show. His family said they want a wine drinker, so maybe he's just trying to please them. We also find out how he deals with Boomerang Kimberly.

The season seems full of kissing, crying, and romance! Chris is a cutie, sincere, and gentleman-like, but he's no pushover - he has a bit of an edge that will come out if pushed too far. Can't wait to see how he wrangles this crew. I hope we cut the group down a lot more next week. Still too many women to choose from.

See you next week!

This little piggy thinks he can't remember all those names either!

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