Tuesday, 2 June 2015

The Bachelorette, Week 3 recap: It's Sumo, Snakes and School For Kaitlyn

In case you haven't heard, Chris and Whitney are broken up but no reasons have been given. The corn stands alone. At least The Bachelorette is very entertaining as the producers shake things up. Let's bachcap!

Rose Ceremony Cliffhanger

The drama with Kupah was overblown. He spoke loudly when interviewed, Kaitlyn got him to whisper, and he left in a limo, drink in hand.  Kupah took the cuppah whiskey! What's he going to do with that empty glass at the airport?

Already have roses:
Clint from the underwater photography date
JJ whom Amy Schumer called a turd
Ben Z. for giving Jared a concussion

Roses go to*:
Jared the Concussed
Ben H. Software Salesman
First Impression Shawn (frontrunner)
Jonathan, Father of Skye
Tanner Gave Tissues to Britt
Chris Cupcake Dentist
Ryan the Realtor
Justin who Gets no Airtime
Ian Survived the Hit and Run
Joshua the Lonely Welder
Kentucky Joe
Corey not Cory
Tony the Healer

*multiple contestants have black eyes from the boxing

Sent packing:
Cory not Corey
Daniel the Fashion Designer

Let's Have Sumo Fun!

After a gong wake-up alarm, the first date starts. Here come Yama and Byamba the sumo wrestlers. They'd make fun bachelors, but they're only here for one day.

Clint ("Clint-o"), Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, and Shawn are on the date. As Joe explains, they are given a giant fire hose to wear. When on, it's a diaper-thong. Now they must face the sumo wrestlers. In the most pixelated sequence ever, Yama and Byamba fling the bachelors out of a circle.

Healer Tony sports a greasy ponytail and sunglasses. He feels confident about beating a sumo wrestler but is flung to another zip code. Here's the deal: Tony has zero sense of humour. Even his funny bone is morose. He sees the date as an actual competition rather than as a ridiculous way to make fun of yourself.

Tony explains, he sees the world through the eyes of a child, he has the heart of a warrior, and he has the soul of a gypsy. Tony's basically saying he doesn't get stuff, he has a short fuse, and he can't commit. But I like this as a game. Let's play.
I see the world through the eyes of....an adult.
I have the heart of...a couch potato.
I have the soul of...a person who feels that soul-talk is weird.

Okay, less fun when I do it.

Tony misses all he loves: a) business, b) dog, c) bonzai tree. He complains to Kaitlyn that she hasn't seen the right side of him because the dates are too aggressive. Advice to Tony: The sulky, humourless side of you is a SIDE. Focus on the woman instead of impression management. But yup, this season's dates may injure you for life.

Tony bails out on the next part, so that's a relief. The next part = Bachelors fling each other out of the ring in an exhibition. Spectators, including some shocked young teenagers, watch man parts slip out of sumo-wraps. Apparently, Kentucky Joe's left gold nugget made a lengthy appearance. Tony self-eliminates and goes back to the Bonzai. At the cocktail portion of the date, Clint acts too cool and disappoints Kaitlyn. Shawn, closely related to Ryan Gosling, and perhaps a distant cousin of Alf, gets the date rose.


Cousin Ryan

Great-Uncle Alf

Babe Soda and Bugs in the Basement

Chris Harrison puts Kaitlyn on a surprise date with hunky Ben Z., who she calls a Babe Soda. They go this haunted house thing called the Basement. I looked it up, this is a real experience you can have in LA for $30. Us viewers were not given the premise to make this experience make more sense. Here it is: You've been kidnapped by a serial killer and need to figure out clues as a team to make your escape. Hope you caught the disclaimer on the screen: the insects and animals are not part of the usual experience. Just added for fun, I guess. That must have been one fun clean up.

Not the scariest thing in that room

We learn that Kaitlyn fears birds and Ben Z. fears snakes. Bet you the birds fear the snakes, and the bugs fear the birds, and the snakes fear that weird guy hiding under the sheets. Basically, everyone in that room was terrified and maybe pooping a little. The whole event was more revolting than scary with the hanging limbs and having to grab something out of a filthy toilet. Pheh. Kaitlyn and Ben Z. escape the room, but Ben Z. deserves all the credit for solving the clues. The couple dip in a pool of Purell and have a calm snuggly evening. Ben Z. opens up about losing his mom at a young age (so sad) and he gets a rose.

Group Date: More Birds Plus Bees

This is odd, but I find the Birds and Bees date more twisted than the sumo wrestling or haunted house. The bachelors (Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared, Tanner) are given lesson plans to teach health (sex ed) to 10-11 year old children. But the children are really actors, except no one seems to tell the guys this, even after the date is over. I can't believe the parents of these actors signed off on this.

Joshua the Welder, who didn't kiss a girl until college, learned everything he knows from the cows on his farm. The worst was watching him explain menstruation. Beware, your uterus will die! Ben H., who was a youth worker, does the best and scores the date rose. He was not on the radar until this week. Nice to meet you Ben H.!

Bromance Showmance

JJ and Clint have huge egos that fell in love with each other. Big deal. These guys make my feminism hurt. "Villains gotta Villain," they toast. Oh get over yourselves. I don't care if this is ego-love, physical love, or friend-love, it's obnoxious. JJ wants the other guys to get voted out to "let the big dogs hunt." His ex-wife's friends are watching this show and going, "okay, it was worse than I thought."

Kaitlyn gets the dirt on JJ and Clint as The Wrong Reasons Police tattle. Kaitlyn pulls a Farmer Chris and uses the intel to justify a confrontation (remember when Eyelashley told on Kelsey). How is JJ getting a pass, he's even worse?!?

Next Week

Yet another rose cliffhanger. I guess two guys whom no one remembers will get voted out. And Kaitlyn confronts Clint. Better make room for another villain because Nick from Andi's season is coming back and Kaitlyn's into it. The guys are not gonna like this. More drama, people!

Tune in for sumo Bachelorette next week!

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