Tuesday, 16 June 2015

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn, Week 5: Reasons Why One May Be Single

It's Week Five and it's time to cull the herd and fall in love already. Here's your recap + commentary:

And You're OUT!

We left off with everyone hating Nick. This week's cocktail party and rose ceremony happened at the baseball stadium for the Mets. Nothing happened other than JJ carrying Kaitlyn around the bases wearing Pepto-Bismol coloured socks. Everyone was shivering like crazy for the rose ceremony.

This situation is not awkward or weird at all

Already had roses: Justin the permissive, Jared sparse beard, and cupcake dentist Chris

Still in the game (roses): Ben H. the cute software guy, Shawn the frontrunner, big Ben Z., Tanner who's going soon, Kentucky Joe, egomaniac Ian, JJ of two faces, Joshua the jealous, and Nick the week 4 crasher.

Out: Jonathan who liked Britt better anyway, Corey the banking dude, and Ryan the unknown. Kaitlyn had zero chemistry with any of these guys. We hath already forgotten their existence.

Don't you love how Chris Harrison shows up in a warm coat and scarf and walks across that whole field just to announce Gentlemen, this is the final rose for tonight. There is only one rose sitting there we can see it.

Easy for Chris H. to collect a paycheque

Yo San Antonio

Everyone travels to Texas because international plane tickets would be too costly at this stage. This week and last week, there's a lot of posing around a couch in a dingy hotel room.

Not the way people normally hang out

Let's talk about Nick: Maybe Nick is here for The Wrong Reasons, but why is he more suspect than the rest of the contestants? Yes, Nick often has an I-secretly-stole-the-last-cookie smile. It's annoying, I get it. But his intentions are not automatically more suspect than the rest of these dudes who went on TV to woo a mystery woman. Anyone could be here for Wrong Reasons (fame, self-promotion, travel) rather than to actually find a soulmate. The guys need to shed their insecurities. Do you really want to marry a woman who prefers another guy over you? Don't you want your wife to like you best, not just as a default? Nick said this about his relationship with Andi, and he had a point. Rant over.

Date with Ben H.: Two-Steppin'

Kaitlyn and Ben H. go two-stepping which is like square dancing but in couple format. I just made that up, I have no clue what this dance is. In the oldest dance hall in Texas, Kaitlyn and Ben H. meet the oldest two-stepper ever.

Still steppin'

Ben H. is sweet and normal and there is not enough chemistry here. But I see Bachelor potential with this guy. He meets all the criteria: Nice, cute, non-controversial, has a job, says logical things.

Nice teeth, too

As an aside, guess whether this is a real car or a toy car:

Beep beep!

Group Date: Mariachi OMG PLEASE STOP

On this group date we've got Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua, and Nick. The "Humiliation Competition Date" is becoming a genre for this season. We'll call it an HCD. On this HCD, the men must beat out a 12-year old Mariachi kid named Sebastian to win Kaitlyn's heart. He's the karate kid of Mariachi, so watch out. I can't tell what's worse, the outfits or the singing.

If you don't find this funny I can't hang with you

Ian and Joshua bomb particularly bad, and this leads to insecurity that makes them go loco later in the episode. Nick wins because he makes a raunchy rhyme with the word "connection." This blog is PG so use your imagination. Later, he wins the date rose.

At the after-party, Joshua's misguided attempt at getting a haircut from Kaitlyn (why??) results in a hairstyle that can only be described as a chop-hawk. The other men are hysterically laughing. Kentucky Joe is so polite, he tried to hold it in. But the laugh found its escape:

The laugh comes out with the cocktail

If the chop-hawk weren't enough, Joshua nominates himself as the Deputy Commissioner of the Right Reasons Police. And Nick's on his Most Wanted List. Joshua loses here because he's focusing more on Nick than on getting to know Kaitlyn. His insecurities come out as anger and it's très unattractive. When Kaitlyn asks the group whether they agree with Joshua that Nick is terrible (Joshua insists that all the men hate Nick) the guys smartly stay quiet. No one else is going to say they find Nick annoying if Kaitlyn likes him. That's like telling Kaitlyn that her judgement is terrible. Joshua can't weld himself out of this mess. 

Date with Shawn: Love at First Smell

Kaitlyn loves how Shawn talks and smells, but worries that this seems creepy. Not at all, Kaitlyn! The voice and smell of the man are essential. If you don't like these in your man, dump him immediately. The smell can only get worse so choose the best smelling guy you can. The nose knows. Shawn's voice is rather soothing. Does anyone else think that he sounds like a younger version of "Mike" from Breaking Bad:

Could be Shawn's uncle

Kailtyn and Shawn go kayaking and hang out in swimsuits. At the evening portion of the date, we learn one terrible thing about Shawn: He doesn't wear his seatbelt! That kind of recklessness went out of style in the 80s. Luckily, he was wearing a seatbelt the day his jeep got hit and rolled over six times into a snowbank. After months in the hospital, Shawn made a full recovery. And, he admits to falling in love with Kaitlyn! And she feels the same way! If this guy doesn't make final two, I'll be shocked. The date ends with a ride in a canoe and fireworks.

Ahead of the pack

Shawn is a good match for Kaitlyn. He's honest and sincere, and he has a good look. He seems to like her jokes and they smile a lot together. They seem very natural, but with chemistry. Team Shawn!

An Ego Inflates and Bursts

Really confident people don't need to PROVE how great they are. Ian seemed so promising, but he really lost it this week. He's not on Kaitlyn's radar, and after losing the Aladdin casting call last week, and botching the mariachi song this week, he's feeling down. To pump himself up, he lists all of his qualities to the camera: a) Princeton grad, b) former model (until baldness set in?), c) "defied death" and d) been around the world a couple of times. Okay, I guess he should win, right? WRONG! This is about a making a match, not having the best CV.

Ian takes himself too seriously, and Kaitlyn is the opposite. These two have no common ground. Thus, no chemistry. Ian takes it personally, though. Ian: no one should ever say: I am a gift that you unwrap for life. You also shouldn't brag about all the "chicks" that love you and all the action you get. Ian is right that he has the CV to be the bachelor, but he lacks the self-awareness to know that you should NEVER SAY THINGS LIKE THIS OUT LOUD. There is a difference between self-esteem and an ego balloon. 

Being mean to the Bachelorette = no chance at being the next Bachelor

The episode ends with Ian confronting Kaitlyn, lashing out because he feels ignored. He calls her "all surface" and "shallow" and says she's just there to make out with dudes on TV. Well, ya she is, this is the Bachelorette after all! But that point aside, if Ian is so popular with the ladies, why did he go on this show? Ian needs to think about why he is single. In fact, let's talk about all the reasons why any of these wanna-be-husbands could be single:

1. Still young
2. No game 
3. Deep down, doesn't really want to get married
4. Bored after the chase is over
5. No one is good enough
6. Bad relationship judgement
7. Wasn't ready until recently
8. Demons (e.g., gambling or drinking problem)
9. No one to date in a rural area, AKA, Arlington Syndrome
10. Missing charisma, humility and a sense of humour, AKA JJ Syndrome

Fun game: Match the contestant to the reason(s). Ben H. is still young, Joshua has no game, Shawn wasn't ready until recently. Kentucky Joe has no one to date in his town, JJ is JJ. I'm guessing that Ian is a #5 and #10 combo. Nick may be a #3 and #4 combo. 

On this show, everyone is operating under the presumption of I just haven't met the right person yet. This may be true for many people, but there may be other, hidden reasons. My list is not exhaustive, but this is a blog not a thesis so we will move on now. 

Oh I forgot that Jared says he's falling in love too. Kaitlyn also forgot because she's so focused on Nick and Shawn.

Darn it, another cliffhanger! Guess we have to wait to see Kaitlyn eliminate Ian (for sure) and likely Joshua, and maybe Tanner. Next week may be the heavy breathing episode that they've been advertising all season. Better put your seatbelt on (I'm talking to you, Shawn)! 

If only all cliffhangers were so cute

See you next week!

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