Tuesday, 9 June 2015

The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn, Week 4: Lose a Villain, Gain a Villain

If we've learned anything so far, it's that being on this show is not the most relaxing way to meet a husband. Here's your recap of Week 4!

Bromance Was a Fauxmance

Clint and JJ were true besties. Until Kaitlyn broke up with Clint. 

Clint: I'm ready to make power moves!
Kaitlyn: Nope, I don't want to marry you.
Clint: JJ is my bestie.
Kaitlyn: Um, we weren't even talking about JJ...
Clint: I've been honest with you! I'm just scared of something, or whatever words that maybe sound good.
Kaitlyn: I don't trust you, see ya. Men, say bye-bye to Clint.
Men: Thanks, we hate him, but why is JJ still here? 
JJ: Clint, be a good boy and apologize to the group,
Clint: Get out of my face, JJ. Don't touch me! And your tie is terrible.
JJ: We are close talking here, like there is only an inch between our faces

Broken bromance

Group Date: Rapping in NYC/The Men are Hating on Nick V./Kaitlyn Can't Really See/Nick's Just Andi's Debris

Kaitlyn and the rest of the men head to NYC. The first group date is with Jonathan Father of Skye, Ben Z. the Large, Ryan Realtor, JJ the Spurned, Justin Who, The Only Corey Left, Tanner Who Comments, and Shawn Gosling. 

It's a rap battle hosted by Doug E. Fresh. I don't remember him from the 80s but he was apparently there. Shawn only knows country and JJ only knows show tunes. The men were pitted against each other. Surprisingly, Corey the Investment Banker was the only decent one. JJ managed to expand his circle of hate to the audience by calling NYC women: hos. Boooo!

"JJ, you're supposed to be insulting me, not the audience dude."

But, wait, who is there in the audience. It's Eyelashley from last season (Farmer Chris) with Nick Viall (runner-up from Andi's season). Clint is gone so they needed an extra villain. Kaitlyn seems in awe when Nick says he wants to join the show. Nick has this constant annoying smile that says: I'm trying to manipulate you while looking cute and I'm getting away with it. 

"I would totally regret not being on TV again"
If Nick wanted to date Kaitlyn, he had a chance before she became the Bachelorette. He could have done it through this platform called the Real Life Show. Instead, he was non-committal and had a Twitter conversation. But now that she's on TV, right before the international travels, Nick is totally into her. Kaitlyn buys what he is selling and I'm screaming "no" at the television. Kaitlyn, he's not a movie star or anything, why do you look like this:

As if you are debating this

Nick is just some smarmy guy that no other guys liked on Andi's season. At least JJ had one friend for 3 weeks. Kaitlyn has totally decided to bring Nick on the show. She can't stop smiling and the guys on the rapping date are so threatened. Their Entertainment Cruise is a total bust and it doesn't look like the boat is even moving. Kaitlyn rewards Justin with the date rose because he's the only guy to say that she can do what she wants. I'm not sure Kaitlyn even knows his name. "My date rose goes to the guy with no spine!" 

Kaitlyn continues to pretend to debate the Nick-or-Not situation as Ashley S. from last season does Kaitlyn's hair. Ashley S. is completely logical in her advice to Kaitlyn and looks like this:

What Ashley S. thinks about the "chemistry" with Nick

Kaitlyn meets Nick and of course says to come on board. He's already kissed her so might as well bring him along. All the guys are so mad that another dude is coming on the show. They seem to be overreacting because what's one more guy? Any woman would want a choice from more guys rather than fewer guys. Ben H. (software salesperson) has the most confidence in the situation. Potential bachelor for next season?

One-on-One: Meet at the Met

Jared Sparse Beard looks like he has pink eye, but it may just be permanent damage from the boxing date. Here's hoping for pink eye! Kaitlyn is so distracted she's not even noticing Jared's puppy dog love talk as they walk through the Metropolitan Museum of Art, very overdressed. The art is completely wasted on both of them. Then Jared comes up with the worst poem ever. Men: Stop writing bad rhyming poetry. He's channelling Chris, winner of Desiree's season. If a guy wrote me a poem like that it would be a deal breaker. The couple goes on a helicopter and Kaitlyn is just happy that Jared is not yelling at her about Nick, so she gives him the date rose.

One person is WAY more into this kiss than the other

Group Date: Broadway for Middle Schoolers

Every group date this season is a competition with a live audience component. At least this one doesn't involve punching! Thank goodness The Healer eliminated himself already, he would not be down with any of this. So on this commercial for Aladdin the Musical, the men compete for a walk-on role with Kaitlyn by singing and dancing very badly. The men go through Broadway casting to try to get the role. Kaitlyn is so proud that they guys keep humiliating themselves "for her". Kaitlyn, let me tell you about this thing called peer pressure

Joshua the Welder feels out of place and recalls punching hay bales to vent anger. Ian sings well but has no connection with Kaitlyn. Kentucky Joe is terrible but there is something so charming about him. Ben H. muddles through. Cupcake Chris the dentist overacts himself to the win! The reward is the smallest of parts that Kaitlyn and Chris manage to kind of mess up anyway. On stage, they have pasted on smiles like 10-year olds in the Christmas Pageant. They are led off the stage by an actor in purple:

"Okay, move it along before you ruin the show"

Then they get in trouble for talking too loudly backstage. Kaitlyn and Chris end the date by standing next to the Times Square New Year's Eve ball. It's not New Year's Eve so the ball is just kind of sitting there, inert. The chemistry between these two is equally compelling.

Another Cliffhanger, Awwww

The show ends with Nick going up the hotel elevator with a maniacal elevator operator who should be in horror movies. Why was he smiling like that? And why do you need an elevator operator in 2015 when there are buttons with the numbers so easy to press? So many questions. We must wait for the rose ceremony. The previews show Kaitlyn looking deeply disappointed by Ian and Joshua.

A Miracle for Brady

Brady knows he is lucky to have circumvented the whole show and get a direct route to Britt. It's like Free Parking in Monopoly. He asks, "How did I get so lucky." I could explain but we all know why. Britt had the choice of a happy ending romance over nothingness, and nothingness lost. For now anyway.

How does she get her hair to do that??

See ya next week!

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