The Bachelor Season 19, Week 2 Recap: The Bachelor Zombie Apocalypse

Before we bachcap, big news this past week: Andi and Josh (from the last Bachelorette season) have broken up. They got along well when life was full of helicopters and private beaches, but the verdict is: Incompatible in Real Life. Cody and Michelle (Bachelor in Paradise) split in December (click here for more info).

As we know per Bachelor stats: Most Bachelor couples break up within a year. But that won't happen to Farmer Chris! Let's live in la-la-land for now because it's funner there. Let's bachcap!

New Yoga Pose: "The Pleading Lady"

This week starts where last week left off. Kimberly Yoga Teacher, who was not given a rose, begs to stay. Begging is a bad way to start a relationship. Chris seems tired and gives in.

The Boy Next Door

This season, Chris lives near the women's mansion (the Bachelor pad). Host Chris Harrison tempts the women to "find" time to interact with him because there are NO RULES. Except, contestants are not allowed to watch television, read or listen to music, so they can better develop their Chris obsession. Who cares about books, though, when house invasion rules have been lifted! (I'm being sarcastic as I am very against rules that prohibit READING).

Fun Fact: Tractors are Not Meant for Racing

First group date goes to: Tandra (arrived on motorcycle), Ashley I. (fake eyelashes), Mackenzie (Mother of Kale), Kimberly (yoga), and Tara (friends with Jameson and Jack Daniels). Chris is wearing a hoodie with a too-low zipper. No shirt under. Pull up that zipper! Your corn is embarrassed for you.

Not the Iowa look we expected

There's a pool party and Chris has a weird idea to re-introduce himself to Kimberly so they can make a fresh start. She loves it but it's soooo awkward. Like the worst improv scene ever. "Oh hello, nice to meet you stranger" (cringe).

The women are then led by Chris in their bikinis on the streets of LA to: a bikini tractor race! An activity that is equally demeaning and boring. The women "race" à la snail on the tractors and Ashley Eyelashes wins! She gets a little time with Chris and he seems okay with her.

This is 2015 - let's rejoice in how far women have come!

Chris cuts the group date short to have one-on-one time with Mackenzie the Kale Mama. All the other women are sad :( Chris and Mackenzie go to a bar which may be her first because she's 21 and hasn't been out in a year. Here's more about Mackenzie:

-Her man must have a "prominent nose"
-Believes in aliens
-Notices "weird stuff" including Chris's ear piercing hole
-Tells boring stories about her child. For example, all kids make an excited face when excited. This is not a story to tell a date. How she decided on Kale as a name? Now that would be a better story!

Mackenzie gets a rose because Chris can't kick her out post-Kale reveal. I don't see the chemistry but they dance and kiss a bit.

Back at the Mansion

Huge reveal: Juelia is a mom to a daughter named Ireland (slightly better name than Kale). She's also a widow after her husband tragically took his own life. The other women support her, but she's understandably scared to share this with Chris because she'll start to cry.

On a lighter note, Jillian (with the biceps) and Megan (make-up artist) sneak into Chris's place because Chris Harrison wants them to. Jillian's bathing suit is blacked out. What's going on under the bathing suit? Later this episode, Jordan says that Jillian is hairy but maybe that was just a steroid joke. Are they really censoring the hair? Megan wears Chris's motorcycle helmet and repeatedly bangs her head into the wall as a product safety test. Her previous job was as a crash test dummy. Um, why is a motorcycle parked inside the bedroom?

Back in the living room, Mackenzie TMIs her date with Chris to all the women and does not notice that NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THE GLOATING. It's like the boring kid stories but worse. We'd all rather hear about how she ended up single with a 1-year old by age 21. Tell the better stories, Mackenzie!

Megan Learns about the Bachelor

The first one-on-one date, surprisingly, goes to make-up artist Megan. Ironically, the make-up artist has pretty bad make-up - it's probably hard to calibrate how much is too much for TV. Megan's boss nominated her for the show and she seems a bit oblivious to its workings. She thought the date card ("Love is a natural wonder") was a love note.

Megan gets a 5-star date with Chris: plane to Las Vegas, scenic helicopter ride, and picnic in Grand Canyon. Although the picnic food wasn't stellar (cantaloupe in plastic container). More tragedy: Megan's dad passed away right after she was accepted for the show. Chris seems rather smitten with unassuming and sweet Megan. He gives a clumsy compliment that she has the "most beautiful blue eyes in North America." He loves her "giant heart" and can see a "future" with her. Unexpected top 5 contender!

Megan's one to watch!

Zombie Apocalypse Group Date

Thanks to whomever came up with the idea for a zombie apocalypse date. Love it! The Walking Dead meets The Bachelor is my two favourite shows happening at once. On this date we have: Kelsey (nice widow who maybe didn't appreciate the "To Death Do Us Part" date card), Trina (resident cougar), Alissa (flight attendant), Tracy (teacher, not yet cat lady), Jillian (biceps), Becca (blonde), Amber (shy bartender), Ashley S. (the kooky/scary one), Juelia (widow mom), Kaitlyn (jokey), and Britt (Angelina Jolie).

The limos arrive in a dark and deserted lot. Suddenly, zombies attack the limos! Everyone is screaming and freaking out. Chris arrives and announces: It's Zombie Paintball! As the women prepare to shoot the zombies, everyone is scared that Ashley S. doesn't understand the concept. She seems ready to shoot the people instead. Kaitlyn observes that Ashley S. shouldn't even be be armed with a "wet noodle." I would tend to agree. Ashley S. seems on another planet and is saying very odd, out of context things. I'm getting more concerned than amused. She's all: "You don't want to lose the whole world" and Chris is just smiling like it's normal conversation. We will add "good at humouring people" to Chris's list of attributes. But c'mon, let's get this woman some help please!

A weapon in the wrong hands

At the après-zombie party, Britt turns on the charm. She's an aspiring actress, for sure. Chris gives her a "free kiss" note to reciprocate her "free hug" note and they kiss. To Britt's great dismay, Kaitlyn (who is Canadian and lived in Germany for a boyfriend) gets the date rose because Chris likes genuine and funny. Go Canada! I think Sharleen from Juan Pablo's season was also a Canadian who lived in Germany. They are both irreverent and not the typical contestants.

Back at the mansion, Jordan (student) is having her own personal sorority frosh party and twerks while doing a handstand. She almost but not quite cracks her head open on bathroom tiles.

The Cocktail Party, AKA, "Please Keep Me!" Time with Chris

At the cocktail party, Whitney (fertility nurse with voice like Bernadette from Big Bang Theory) gives Chris a bottle of whiskey. Ashley I. (eyelashes) reveals to Mackenzie that she never had a boyfriend and is a virgin and Mackenzie is super-jealous. As maybe she should be, as Chris Harrison alluded to a virgin being in the fantasy suite later in the season. But then again, think about your first relationship and if you'd want it to be televised. There are many reasons NOT to be jealous of Ashley I.

Ashley I. dresses like a genie and lets Chris make a wish on her belly-button ring. He wishes for a kiss and she goes for it full throttle, like a Saint-Bernard eating a meatloaf. Amber also gets a kiss. Jordan has hit the bottle too much and attempts a kiss but is rebuffed because consent is not possible at that level of inebriation and Chris knows it. Also, eww.

Your first wish should always be to wish for a million more wishes

Chris has some great qualities, and I like him even more this week! He's great at dealing with people who are very drunk and acting strangely - smile and nod, and laugh with them, not at them. He also likes genuine and funny women. He's not too smooth with the compliments, but that's better than a player. The women often seem to have the upper hand. Chris will let them push him around a bit, but he'll make a stand if they go too far. And he's so cute (but do up the zipper next time). Chris, you seem like such a good guy! Don't prove me wrong, please.

There are still too many women here- 18 survive the apocalypse! My top picks are below. Roses go to:
Britt - Used to getting her man - Top pick!
Ashley I. - Two wishes left on her bellybutton - Top pick!
Trina - Cougar with no air time
Kelsey - Nice widow - Top pick!
Samantha - Dark hair, no airtime
Juelia - Widowed mom of Ireland
Amber - Shy bartender
Tracy - Teacher-not-cat-lady
Jillian - Biceps
Jade - Cosmetics developer - Dark Horse Award - there may be potential!
Nikki - Former cheerleader
Becca - Assists chiropractors
Carly - Cruise ship singer
Whitney - Fertility nurse with Bernadette voice
Ashley S. - Kooky/scary, and WHY DID SHE GET A ROSE AGAIN? I think the producers are allowed one rose for the first 5 episodes and this is how some people stay on.

Already had roses: Megan (make-up artist) - Top pick!; Mackenzie (made her own Kale); and Kaitlyn (funny Canadian) - Top pick!

Alissa, Kimberly, Jordan, Tandra, and Tara are sent packing.

My Predictions for the Rejected: 

Alissa: Takes a one-way ticket on Bachelor Air to nowheresville. But meets a cute pilot and lives happily ever after in the open skies.

Kimberly: Drowns her sorrow in intensive yoga and meditation. Becomes a buddhist monk.

Jordan: The partying and twerking continue back at the sorority. May not pass her classes next semester. Parents take away her credit card.

Tandra: Marries an executive.

Tara: Someone teaches her math and she realizes that there was a 29/30 chance of rejection on this show so she can't take it to heart. She gets herself and her Daisy Dukes to eharmony.com and is much more successful with dating. Although first, she must unfriend Jameson and Jack Daniel on Facebook. They are not helping her prospects.

COMING UP NEXT:

Jimmy Kimmel wakes up Chris and causes trouble! Can't wait. Loving the cross-pollination of the shows! 

If you want to fall in love with Chris a little bit more read his blog here!

See you next week.

There are too many women on this show, but there can never be too many kittens!

The Bachelor Season 19, Week 1 Recap: Farmer Chris and His Harem of 30

Welcome to Season 19 of the Bachelor! On tap we have Farmer Chris (AKA Prince Farming) and his harem of 30. Let's recap!

Oh No, a Whole Hour of Red Carpet

Help. No one wants THIS much of the Bachelor. Three hours = too long. Chris Harrison is manning the red carpet. He's thrilled to have "a virgin and two widows" on this season, because who doesn't love secret virgins and widows!

Don't Mind Uncle Iowa

First, let's meet this season's Bachelor. Chris Soules is a 4th generation farmer with 6,000 acres. This is like measuring wealth in ducats or ancient gold coins. No clue how much this is worth, but probably a lot.

There is lots of fancy cinematography showing how sexy a farm can be. Bachelorette Andi treated Iowa like it was Chris's deranged uncle who lived in his basement - i.e., the relationship deal-breaker. "You're such a great guy, Chris. But, what about Uncle Iowa? I can't really live with Uncle Iowa." This season, they've dressed up Uncle Iowa to make him seem less like a liability. We get lots of glam farm shots: Stunning fields! Huge tractor that looks like a Transformer! Chris in a sexy silo! Uncle Iowa's not looking so bad anymore. Except when you realize that you are trapped there with only in-laws to talk to for eternity. Plus those 6 dudes in the local bar.

There is a Cody growing in Iowa!

Back to the Red Carpet

Chris Harrison has turned into an annoying great-aunt who has nosy questions for everyone and doesn't get when you don't want to talk about it. He really badgers Sean and Catherine about having kids. I would have rather he asked where Catherine found the weird umbrella-cape she was wearing.

Other highlights: Lacey and Marcus (Bachelor in Paradise) look somber and awkward, but they're moving ahead with a wedding. Previous Bachelorette Andi performs mind control on her fiancé Josh by rubbing his back obsessively and talking for him. Nikki (who just broke it off with Bachelor Juan Pablo) gets the "Tell us how Juan Pablo is TERRIBLE" interview. Nikki explains the break up was over "differences" in lifestyles and priorities. Chris H. can't get dirt out of anyone. But, he almost made Nikki cry so he gets paid a bonus $10K.

The First Fifteen (With Their Rose Status)

Chris prepares for the limos by going to LA, getting his wardrobe prepped, and taking an outdoor shower. Fun!

Dateable! 

He looks pretty great but he is visibly nervous for the limos. Here they come! Your first fifteen are:

Britt - Waitress and intense hugger. Looks like a hybrid of Angelina Jolie and a Bratz doll. This show loves her - she gets the first intro video in her hometown and she's first out of the first limo. Later, she gets the first impression rose and the only kiss of the night. She's already won. Pros: Charisma. Cons: Holds up "Free Hugs" sign in LA and hugs strangers intensely. Creepy, right? Also, Michelle Money heard a rumour that she doesn't shower. Rose!

Whitney - Fertility nurse from Chicago. Pros: Helps people have babies. Cons: Asks her tiny white dog, "Could Chris be your daddy?!?" That dog would be torn to pieces by coyotes in Iowa. Rose!

Kelsey - Guidance counsellor and widow from Austin. Pros: Seems kind and normal, open to having more than one "soulmate". Cons: Not flashy so may not stand out. Rose!

Megan - Make-up artist. Pros: Will be popular à la Michelle Money by helping others with their make-up. Cons: Little demand for a make-up artist on the farm. Rose!

Ashley I. - Freelance journalist. Pros: Chris calls her "beautiful". Cons: Nothing newsworthy happens on a farm: "Breaking News: Corn Still Growing." Rose!

Trina - Special education teacher. Pros: that's a nice job! Cons: She's 33 and thus considered a cougar by Bachelor standards. Rose!

Reegan - Donated tissue specialist (sells organs). Pros: Brings a cooler to the party. Cons: The cooler holds a HUMAN HEART. It's a fake heart, but ewww anyway. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Tara - Sports fishing enthusiast (i.e., no job). Pros: Impresses Chris by wearing Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots. Brought two outfits and changes into a black dress and re-introduces herself to Chris by sneaking back into the limo. Cons: Best friends with Jameson and Jack Daniel. Seemed like she was going to vomit, pee, and/or pass out during the rose ceremony. Chris had to take a time out to consider whether he wanted to give a rose to a highly inebriated contestant. Rose! (What, really? We shall dub it a Whiskey Rose)

Amber - Bartender. Pros: Seems nice, quiet. Cons: Carries a teddy bear around. Rose!

Nikki - Former cheerleader. Pros: Cheery. Cons: Won't reveal her current job. Rose!

Amanda - Ballet teacher. Pros: Tries to hypnotize Chris with huge eyes and non-blinking stare. Cons: Her pupils were so dilated, she should get checked by a neurologist. Didn't let Chris see her as she exited the limo, but this "secret admirer" ploy fails. Also, dressed like a belly-dancer. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Jillian - News producer. Pros: Driven, competitive, muscular. Cons: Keeps flexing. Rose!

Mackenzie - Dental assistant. Pros: Youthful. This season's Cassandra. Cons: Maybe too young for Chris at age 21 (Chris is 33). And she named her son Kale, like the leafy green. Tries to do kindergarten painting activity with Chris at a cocktail party - needs more cocktail party experience. Tells Chris she doesn't know what "alfalfa" is. Gosh, this girl needs to live a little before being on this show. Rose!

Ashley S. - Hair stylist. Pros: Lucky at finding pennies. Cons: Where to start? Puts penny in Chris's shoe. Intense interaction style. Becomes obsessed with a pomegranate that she sees in the yard and Must. Pick. It. Now!!!! Says axe-murdery things, like "Every person is like an onion." Asks Chris if he's "dying inside." Rose!

Murderous midnight pomegranate picking

Kaitlynn - Dance instructor. Pros: Comic relief, tells risqué jokes. Teaches Chris to breakdance. Cons: Would shock Iowa with her talk of plowing and fields and other stuff that needed to get bleeped out. I think Chris blushed. Rose!

Chris Wishes He Were a Polygamist - The Next 15

Chris is overwhelmed by the beauty of the contestants and wishes he can marry ALL THE LADIES. He goes inside and spends time with the first 15. He looks adorable and wide-eyed, and lets the women babble away and talk right over him during one-on-one time.

Chris Harrison takes us back to the "live" viewing party where we are introduced to 6 Iowan "farmer's wives" - he can't just call them "farmers" for some reason. The Iowan Farmer Wives like choppy short hair, heavily highlighted.

Marcus and Lacey weren't paid enough to sit through this screening

Back to the party and 15 (!) more women. Here goes.

Samantha - Fashion designer. Pros: fashionable. Cons: Wouldn't be caught dead in Iowa. Rose!

Michelle - Wedding cake decorator. Pros: gets 10% off cakes. Cons: Chris hates cake. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Juelia - Esthetician. Pros: well-groomed. Cons: Why does she spell her name like that? Rose!

Becca - Chiropractic assistant. Pros: Chris checks her out, seems to really like her. Cons: She'll probably give him an adjustment sometime this season. Rose!

Tandra - Executive assistant. Pros: Arrives on a motorcycle. Chris also drives a motorcycle! Cons: Tandra isn't a real name. Rose!

Alissa - Flight attendant. Pros: Free flights for her future husband. Cons: Maybe too cute. Wraps a seat-belt around Chris, pretends to be on Bachelor Air. We get it. You are on the planes. Rose!

Jordan - Student. Pros: Chris likes that she does whiskey shots with him right out of the limo. Cons: Her sorority doesn't have a chapter in Iowa. Rose!

Nicole - Real estate agent. Pros: Bubbly. Cons: Wears a pig nose to "ham it up." NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Brittany - WWE diva in training. Pros: Can protect Chris from the Paparazzi. Cons: Wears lingerie to the cocktail party and holds up a poster that says #Soulmates. Also, seems to have pink eye. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Carly - Cruise ship singer. Pros: Free cruises for her future husband. Cons: Carries a "Barbie's First Karaoke Machine" and sings a too-cutesy song. Wears children's dress from the 1950s. Rose!

Tracy - Teacher. Pros: Brings Chris a genuinely funny letter from a student: "Dear Farmer, please like my teacher so she doesn't end up lonely with a lot of cats." Cons: Chris doesn't get the cat-lady reference. Rose!

Bo - Plus-sized model. Pros: Brings much-needed body diversity to the show, seems normal and nice. Cons: The Bachelor's motto: The nail that sticks out gets hammered. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Kimberly - Yoga instructor. Pros: I'd like to see Chris do yoga. Cons: Chris hates yoga. NO ROSE FOR YOU. But wait, Kimberly rejects the rejection and re-enters the party as Chris is talking to the winners. Awkward! And a cliffhanger for next week. 

Kara - Soccer coach. Pros: Sporty. Cons: Soccer makes us think about Juan Pablo. NO ROSE FOR YOU.

Jade - Cosmetics developer. Pros: Has well-stocked make-up bag. Cons: There's a rumour that she tests lipstick on bunnies. Rose!

The extra time for the first 15 seemed to help. More women from second batch get the boot.

COMING UP NEXT

Next week we find out if Chris had good judgement in keeping a bunch of heavy drinkers on the show. His family said they want a wine drinker, so maybe he's just trying to please them. We also find out how he deals with Boomerang Kimberly.

The season seems full of kissing, crying, and romance! Chris is a cutie, sincere, and gentleman-like, but he's no pushover - he has a bit of an edge that will come out if pushed too far. Can't wait to see how he wrangles this crew. I hope we cut the group down a lot more next week. Still too many women to choose from.

See you next week!

This little piggy thinks he can't remember all those names either!

ABC's The Bachelor Season 19 with Chris Soules!

I know we're all eagerly anticipating the premiere of The Bachelor Season 19 starring eligible farmer, Chris Soules. Premiere is on Monday, January 5 at 8 PM (EST). Bookmark this page to get your recaps!

I'm really excited to recap this season. There has been so much hype about Chris. Will he remain "Prince Farming" or will he have an epic fall from grace à la Juan Pablo? Will he be as nice now that HE is in charge of the process? Will we still love his family? So many questions!

If you can't wait until Monday, here's an interview with Chris (click here)

Things I learned from this video:
1) Chris says it's "not an option" to move from Iowa permanently
2) He was stressed about the taping being during the harvest
3) It took Chris until Week 3 to learn all the women's names
4) Chris considers himself to be a "shy guy"
5) He was close with Dylan, coach Brian, and Marcus from Andi's season, and
6) He's a crier on the current season.

Contestant Preview in Broad Strokes

The contestants seem to be the usual crop of teeth-whitened, thin, sparkly-dressed women in very high heels. Looking at ABC's website, the Bachelor covers its usual ground in the following categories:

Contestant Names: We've got the requisite minimum number of two Ashleys. There are also original name spellings, such as Juelia and Reegan. And at least one name I've never heard of before - anyone else know a "Tandra"?

Occupations: On almost every season we see a bartender, nanny, flight attendant, hair stylist, grade-school teacher, and waitress. This season is no exception. All these professions are often pretty intense in terms of work hours, but they keep coming up each season. Are these the kinds of jobs where you can easily get a leave or quit and get rehired? Readers who have these professions: what do you think?

There are also some dubious professions, including a "WWE diva-in-training" and "sport fishing enthusiast." Hmmm, I thought these were just imaginary job titles you give to your Barbies.

Age: Everyone is Chris's age (33) or younger, ranging from 21 to 33 (many are 24 to 28). Out of 30 women, only 3 are in their thirties! The message: Men should date women about 5 to 10 years younger than them. We don't want any ticking biological clocks on this show! And it's VERY important that the women pass the bikini test. This is what we sign on for by watching, but it's okay if you also find this to be somewhat sexist and depressing.

Diversity: This season gets below average points for diversity. The majority are blondes, and I can only identify one woman of colour in the line-up, although I am not sure about everyone's race or nationality. Religion doesn't get talked about much on this show. Both Andi and Josh are half-Jewish, for example, but this was never mentioned on the show.

There is more diversity in this tray of pastries, than there is on this show

The producers allowed a plus-size model this year. Unheard of on The Bachelor! I guess it's okay to be more than a size 0 if you are a MODEL. If you weigh more than 115 pounds and you are NOT a model - automatic disqualification. To be fair, we don't know why the diversity on Season 19 remains so terrible. It could be a lack of diversity in contestants, the fault of the producers, and/or Chris's preference (although it's a Bachelor pattern so it's hard to blame Chris).

There Will Be Drama

In an interview on People.com (see it here), We hear that hair stylist Ashely S. (24, from Brooklyn) is the most talked about and creates DRAMA. Her ABC bio says she can't live without lip gloss and sunshine and her favourite fictional character is Thumbelina. Perhaps something a 10-year old would write but it seems innocuous enough. The previews show lots of crying ahead!

I went through the bios on ABC.com, and it's pretty boring. Don't bother. Instead, I suggest you watch this video (click here) from Jimmy Kimmel where he goes through the contestants and we have to guess whether their biggest date fear is: a) silence or b) diarrhea.

That's all for now, Bachelor Nation! I hope you enjoy the first episode and check back for the recap on Tuesday January 6th!

The Bachelor Canada Season 2 Finale (Part 2) - The Final Rose, the RING, and After the Final Rose

It's here - the finale of The Bachelor Canada Season 2! The Canadian format is a little different. We get only 30 minutes of final mini-date and final rose, followed by 30 minutes of After the Final Rose. Here's your final Bachcap for this Season!

April Stays Put

Last episode was left with April saying she was overwhelmed and wanted to leave. This week picks up at that same moment. Tim hugs her and leaves her room. Dramatic Tahitian (or some other) drum music plays in the background. The next morning the couple gets a mini-date. They sit on the beach for a few minutes and April leaves Tim with a letter. She writes: "Sometimes the things that scare you the most will give you the biggest rewards." Personally, I have found this to be untrue. Things that scare me: a) camping in mosquito season, b) getting sunburns, c) rabies. Back to the show: April writes that she loves Tim and "after all this I want to be with you no matter what." Except if Tim picks Trisha, then she takes it all back.

Trish Tries to Lock Things Down

On their mini-date, Tim and Trish stand on a bridge where people have hung lots of locks and keys, like the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris, which is about to collapse due to the locks. Trish puts the lock on the bridge to symbolize their solid relationship and Tim throws away the key.

Blingity Bling

Neil Lane is either too snobby or too expensive for the Bachelor Canada, so the lesser known Michael Hill presents ring choices. Little known fact: this jeweller has been knighted by The New Zealand Order of Merit (as per his website and I'll generously assume that this Order is a real thing). Sir Michael offers a 2-carat ring or a 3-carat ring. Tim makes the obvious choice: Who would pick less carats, c'mon.

Sir Michael's bling

Prepping for Proposal or Dumpage

This is awful, both women think that they are Tim's choice, but Trish feels a little like a bride whose groom may not show up.  As April preps in her room there's a long focus on the label for her very pretty dress - yet another product placement. That's how they paid for this show. Along with federal and provincial tax credits - for real, they thanked tax credits at the end of the show! A therapist and a colourist were also credited.

About That Lock Thing...

Tim is smiling like a maniac when Trish approaches the adorned proposal dock overlooking the water. Since she's first, we know she's a goner but Tim's giving no hint of this. What's with his smile?

Scary smile, Tim

He starts with: "When I met you, you were really funny" and it goes downhill from there. He says his "heart is more fully somewhere else." Trish gets walked to the limo of rejection and that's a long flight back to Canada. Bet they made her fly coach.

The Proposal

April walks to Tim and tells him he has all the qualities she wanted and more she didn't even know she wanted. Tim calls her calm, which he thinks is maybe innocence hiding a shark. And, I'm concerned that he doesn't get April at all. Tim's on his knee, he asks April to marry him, and she says, "Ya, I will!" and "holy moly." She accepts the obligatory final rose. Tim is then seen with his pants rolled up (his favourite way of wearing pants) and he's sweeping April up, carrying her as he wades in the ocean.

A recap of their relationship is shown as Canadian singer Andrew Allen croons Loving You Tonight. A match is made! I thought it would be April, but I can't shake the feeling that Tim likes April WAY more than she likes him. My husband walked by midway through the show and he said, "She's not hanging around." Time will tell, I give them 6 months to a year because statistically, that's how long these relationships last.

For everyone's sake I hope it's true love and that they are happy together forever.

True love or is April making a defensive posture?

The Awkward Aftermath (After the Final Rose)

After the Final Rose begins with Trisha and host Tyler. Trish is forced to watch a recap of her time on the show and in a little box on the corner of the screen, we watch her expressive face show every emotion. She says her life now is "lonely." Tim enters and it's so awkward that Trish says, "it's a little weird, eh?" Tim says that his relationship with April "overshadowed" what he had with Trish.

Just a note about the audience here. I think they were time-warped from a 1990's informercial.

Trish asks Tim one question: When did he know that he was going to choose April? Tim completely avoids the question, saying that it was up and down with April. Very unsatisfying. We hear later that Tim fell in love with April after meeting her family, so that's probably when he decided April was the frontrunner. But he's not about to admit this incriminating Timbit. Trish is so nice about it all, calling the couple "adorable." Her beauty pageant training taught her to be a graceful first runner-up. At the end, Trish jokes, "Now I'm dying alone, thanks Tim." (Ouch). But we know she's not, Trish may need a better job but she's kind and funny. She'll be dating someone else in no time.

Reunion

Now it's time for Tyler and Tim's one-on-one. Tim says that he's "hopelessly in love." Tyler makes it weird by making Tim play a word-association game to "lighten things up," like they do on In the Actor's Studio. Here are Tyler's questions and Tim's responses:

Favourite word? "Enormous" (???)
Everyone person needs... "Love" (obvious)
What kind of underwear do you wear? "A lot of the times, I don't" (TMI & probably untrue - this guy is so coiffed, he's not skipping the undies, but if true, ick)
What is your dream honeymoon destination? "Tahiti" (but you were just there!)
What do you want written on your tombstone? "Good job" (his tombstone, his choice)
First thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word bachelorette? "April" (right answer)

April comes out and Tim runs to her. Tyler doesn't know if he should give April a single or double kiss, not too smooth. April says it's hard sustaining a relationship when they don't see each other, she says it's been "difficult." April makes very little eye contact with Tim. The recap of Tim and April's time on the show makes Tim cry, but April is dry-eyed. She calls their love "very rare" and says that they have wedding plans. But I'm wondering, is she really that into Tim? I can't say I'm confident about this one lasting, but who knows. Let's hope they're both happy!

There are no announcements for another Bachelor Canada. It would be great to have a Bachelorette Canada at some point.

In the meantime, 33-year old farmer Chris Soules will be the Bachelor in January 2015. I'll be blogging, so bookmark this page or sign up for blog emails. I'm curious about what kind of woman will want to move to his Iowa farm. His dating profile reads: Must like corn and scarecrows.

Waiting till January will be hard - hibernation here I come!

I may do periodic updates if I hear news about the upcoming Bachelor season. Here's one mini update: From Bachelor in Paradise, Cody and Michelle are still together (dating) as are Lacy and Marcus (engaged). And Cody now does Skype fitness consultations - you can schedule one directly from his Twitter account. Great holiday gift for the Bachelor fan who has everything :)

Have a great November, and see you in a little bit!

Bachelor Canada Season 2 Finale: The Preview Suggests a Proposal!

The Bachelor Canada put out this preview for Part 2 of the finale tonight. Both women are still present, in their gowns, walking to the proposal mount (through a jungle of leaves).

I think Tim likes April more because:

1) She got the fantasy yacht date, while Trish got the horse picnic
2) Body language throughout the season
3) Tim was begging April to stay after the awkward meet the parents date. Why do that just to reject a person?

Tim seems to want to propose, and the preview quotes him saying, "Will you marry me."

Prediction: April & Tim with a proposal. Whether or not she accepts the proposal, I'm not sure. Maybe she would say no to a ring, but yes to dating. Your bachcap will be ready either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Enjoy tonight's episode, 8 PM on City.

The Bachelor Canada, Week 9: Cold Feet in the Fantasy Suite

The Bachelor Canada's in Tahiti this week for the major milestones of Fantasy Suites and Meet the Parents. First off, Tahiti is darned gorgeous. This was a one-hour travel ad. But not everything went smoothly. Let's bachcap!

Date with Trisha: Horsies and Pineapples

Tim takes Trish horseback riding through a pineapple plantation. It's lush and green, and Trish's horse is totally bonkers. Why couldn't Tim just switch horses with her. Trish and her horse keep veering off and I'm expecting a major pineapple accident. Luckily, nothing happens and they make it to their picnic area.

If this is supposed to be a metaphor for Tim's final choice, it's VERY rude

Trish loves "all the sides" of Tim, and Tim loves that Trish is bubbly, fun and confident. He finds she "has an intelligence about her" which is not exactly the same as calling someone "intelligent." To me it means, "you're not smart but you are wise in the way of children."

There is the usual talking about the rest of their lives being "one big amazing adventure." Tell me if you're still thinking like this when the grand adventure is picking up toilet paper from the pharmacy because your wife said you ran out.

To summarize, Tim and Trish have a picnic, they kiss, they have a dinner overlooking the water (gorgeous location!) and he offers the fantasy suite card. This was the first time I've ever seen a couple visibly blush before the fantasy suite. Trish accepts and off they go.

Date with April: The Yacht Means I Love You

When one woman gets to have a picnic in a pineapple patch, and the other woman gets to go on a yacht, we know who's the frontrunner. Tim admits, he wants this date to be "epic." Meaning, he likes April best.

The date you save for the one you really like

April doesn't feel "completely ready" to accept a proposal, but Tim wants her to take a "leap of faith." They leap off the edge of the yacht, they toast to "trust" (weird, right?), and none of it works. April likes/loves Tim, but she's not sure about the quick move toward a proposal. April's with the 95% of people who would not want to get engaged a few weeks after meeting the guy. She keeps playing with her hair. It's not going great, but April accepts to enter the fantasy suite because she needs to spend time with Tim. In a twist of awesomeness, the suite is ON THE YACHT. It's tight quarters down there - the bed takes up the whole room. Feels a bit claustrophobic - maybe this wasn't the best choice for their date after all.

Trish Meets the Parents: It's Good to Have Pageant Experience

Time to meet Tim's parents. Parents Peter and Marg look a bit uptight at first which is normal considering this bizarre scenario they're in. But Trish does a comedy show and makes them super-comfortable ("have you heard the one about my grandma's pot roast?"). It's like she's auditioning for Last Comic Standing. Marg takes Trish aside and has a list of questions which she calls the "interview for a lifetime" - No pressure. Trish's pageant experience comes in handy. She builds such a great rapport that when it starts to rain, she gets away with saying that Marg totally pulls off the "drowned rat" look. At the end, to the camera, Trish claims, "I nailed it!" No one could disagree with that!

Trish wows the parents with comedy and Jazz Hands (p.s., sorry my flash keeps ruining these pictures!)

April Meets the Parents: Um, Uh, Noooooo

Nope, this does not go well at all. April is feeling very ambivalent about this whole process. She feels "overwhelmed," she has "reservations," and she is not in the "head space" to meet Tim's parents. Peter and Marg begin to grill her, but April cannot answer basic questions. They ask her what she likes best about Tim, and she clams up like it's a surprise calculus exam. Poor April, she can't focus because she's so preoccupied with her concerns about the looming proposal. When she's talking to the camera, she's articulate in describing her thoughts. She feels she made a "terrible impression." This was so awkward to watch, I can't imagine how it felt to be in this situation. Horrible, awful, I feel so bad for her.

Parent Debrief 

Tim asks his parents what he should do. They answer that Trish seems more at ease and comfortable with herself, but they like that April is honest and upfront. Tim wants them to help him choose, but they won't fall into this trap. Tim asks who they imagine opening the door to, and Marg answers that it'll be a woman who loves and "puts up" with him. Yup, that sounds about right.

We Saw it Coming

Foreboding Tahitian music is playing and we know bad things are coming. Tim is summoned to April's room. She's crying  - everything has happened too quickly and she's freaking out. April feels too much pressure, there are so many "expectations!" This makes her want to pull away. Tim tries to process this with April, but the verbiage of it all just freaks her out more. She says she wants to GO HOME.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Then we get to see the credits, which I can't remember ever seeing on this show. Tim Warmels gets a credit as The Bachelor. I find it funny that there are credits for the "Senior Date Producers."

There are no previews for next week. Does April really go home? She's the frontrunner (as evidenced by the yacht). If she goes home, does Tim choose no one? Or does he possibly pull a Desiree and pick his second choice (remember when Brooks left and she was like, "Okay, Chris, I pick you!")? Or maybe Trish is really the frontrunner and the yacht was a misdirect (I don't think so, but it's possible).

"Hmmm, I think I need to sleep on it to figure this out (woof!)"

See you next week for the SHOCKING finale!

The Bachelor by the Numbers: Your Stats for Relationships and Marriages on this Kooky Show

The Bachelor tries to sell you a product. Inside the pretty box: True love! Proposal! Huge ring! Marriage! Kids! And being in love foreeeevvvver! But how many Bachelor relationships actually survive? Here are your stats (courtesy of Wikipedia)! I'm not counting The Bachelorette or franchises outside the U.S. for these stats. We'll save that one for another day. Here's the math:

First of All, the Bachelor Probably Won't Pick You

Usually, there are around 25 contestants. Out of these, only one can be chosen (unless we get a season of sister wives, but that hasn't happened yet). Therefore, a female contestant's chances of getting The Final Rose is approximately 1/25, which translates to a 4% chance. Minuscule, right?

This kitten thinks that these contestants deserve better

This is a pretty lousy chance at falling in love. In the real world, that's like having to date 25 different men before finding a committed boyfriend. That's a different guy every 2 weeks for a year. Exhausting!

Here's your present: a 4% chance of a boyfriend (and a 96% chance of crying in a limo)

Proposals and Marriages

Almost all Bachelors give out a Final Rose (17/18, or 94%). Only Brad Womack had a season where he rejected all. He was given another chance but of course that flopped too. If a contestant gets a Final Rose, what happens next? There's a 59% chance that the Bachelor will propose (10 out of 17 Bachelors proposed; the other 7 "took a chance at a relationship").

There's only an 11% chance that the Bachelor will get married (2 out of 18 Bachelors got hitched). Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa, but later chose to be with runner-up Molly. It's debatable if this one counts, but I'm feeling generous (without Jason/Molly the marriage rate is 6%!) Jason and Molly have been together for almost 6 years and have two kids. Sean and Catherine are married and have been together for almost 2 years. A total of 89% of Bachelor couples never get married!  Chris Harrison, stop looking so smug at The Final Rose show - you know a wedding is unlikely.

Eight out of 10 Bachelors who proposed never got married. Did the women have to return the Neil Lane ring? I bet they did.

Going back to the store

How Long Do Bachelor Relationships Last?

The answer: Not long. Like, really, really NOT LONG. I've seen inch-worms that were longer than these relationships. Most commonly, if a match is made, the couples break up within a year (76%!!!). There is a small chance that they'll date for a few years before breaking up (11%).

Here's your break-down. Out of 18 seasons:

6% (1 contestant) didn't manage to make a match (Brad)

17% (3 couples) broke up after a few weeks (Bon/Estella; Jesse/Jessica; Travis/Sarah)

44% (8 couples) broke up after a few months (Alex/Amanda; Aaron/Helene; Andrew/Jen; Lorenzo/Jennifer; Andrew/Tessa; Matt/Shayne; Jake/Vienna; Brad/Emily)

11% (2 couples) broke up within a year (Ben/Courtney; Juan Pablo/Nikki)

11% (2 couples) broke up within 5 years (Bryan/Mary; Charlie/Sarah)

11% (2 couples) are married (Jason/Molly; Sean/Catherine) - No divorces yet!

76% of Bachelor couples don't even date for a year!

A Warning to All Prospective Contestants: Let's say you make it through the producer interviews, and yay, you're on the show! You have a LESS THAN 1% CHANCE of actually getting married to the Bachelor. (This is the math: out of the 4% who get a final rose, only 11% get married, so your total chance at marriage = 0.44%). Doesn't sound like such a good idea to quit your job for a chance at love! 

This monkey thinks that <1% is not a good chance at finding love (he found his wife by getting set up by a friend)

Despite the stats, I still think this show is so much fun to watch! See you next week for another recap of Bachelor Canada.