Bachelor Season 19: The Final Rose Finale Recap! Chris Soules and Whitney Bischoff are Engaged

We made it to the end of another season! Farmer Chris chose Whitney as his country wife-to-be over the nonchalant Becca. Here's how it all went down, including the After the Final Rose special. (Sorry no pics in this post, I'll add some in later - I really want to watch Better Call Saul tonight before it gets too late!)

The Awkwardness of Live Events

There is something really creepy about Live Bachelor events. We watch this show for the drama and raw human emotion. Contrast the human tragedy with the slick host and jubilant audience and it feels a bit icky. We can admit being entertained by other people's misery and rejection. But the sheer enthusiasm of the live audience makes it seem like a blood sport. They know it too. There were moments where you could hear the audience thinking,"are we supposed to smile and clap when the people on the screen are crying?" May the Hunger Games begin!

Meeting the Farm Family

Chris takes Whitney to meet the fam and they are crazy about her. She's very chatty and they seem to like it. Maybe the Soules family is just happy to see another human. It's been so long! Whitney says things like, "gosh darn." She fits in fine. She's also a sure thing and lets everyone know she's ready to move in, yesterday. Chris's mom holds Whitney's hands as they talk. This would so freak me out. I'm not used to in-law hand-holding. I would also never call my mother-in-law, "Mom." Do people still do this? Chris's mother tells Whitney: "I could take you and love you." Whoa, nelly. These are some mushy peeps.

The Fam Loves Whit

Chris's family is freaking out that he may choose Becca when they are already loving on Whitney. They know from Chris that Becca isn't a sure thing and won't move to Iowa right away. Chris's brother-in-law says that Becca is harder to get and that's "infinitely attractive" just like a hard-to-get girl at a bar. I was also a little worried that Whitney was coming on a little too strong. In relationships, we want other people to mirror where we are in our own thoughts. When one person is not sure (Chris), and the other is so gung-ho (Whitney), it can be a turn off. Chris's family is not involved in this dynamic. They just like the nice blonde lady who will make the Iowa babies.

Becca Ain't Moving

Remember how Whitney brought a gorgeous bouquet and wine to the family? Becca brings over a few cookies on a plate. This is sort of how it goes for the whole visit. Becca is liked, but Whitney was LOVED. Whitney made a toast that made the Soules clan cry. Becca talks about the too-small town and jokes about Saturday nights at the post office. Chris's dad is hilariously mouthing, "there's no post office." Even the mail will not save you from boredom.

To her credit, Becca is clear about her intentions: no move to Iowa, she's not yet in love, it'll be a long distance relatioship. Her pace is so normal. After two months of knowing someone, few people (outside of arranged marriages) would agree to get engaged and move across the country. But this is The Bachelor where rash behaviour is encouraged. Can I remind you of the show's terrible success rate for marriages (11%)?

Mama Soules tries to convince Becca that she loves Chris, attempting to make sure that her son doesn't get rejected on national TV. Mama Soules is trippin' though. Missing someone and being concerned about them more than yourself does NOT mean you're in love with them. C'mon, stop trying to pressure Becca into "taking a chance." Mama Soules then hires a hypnotist: "You're getting very sleepy and feeling a strong urge to live amidst the corn."

Despite all this, Chris still isn't over Becca. He seems very torn. The brother-in-law speaks the truth: Love is not like buying a car. He's right. Love is more like being presented with 25 cars and you eliminate cars every week until you test drive three of them, and then you make a down-payment on one of them.

Final Dates, Summary Format

Becca: This date seems highly edited. We only see Chris and Becca talking in Al Capone's hotel suite. No footage of any outings. Becca admits that she's not sure what she'd do in Iowa, besides being assimilated into the Farm Borg (Star Trek reference, my husband made me watch it. We miss you Spock!). I'll translate: She's scared she would have to totally give up her life goals so he could pursue his. She's in her early 20s and, reasonably, can give no promises. She's not in love or ready for a proposal.

Whitney: She starts the date with her trademark straddle hug: "I hug you with my legs means I love you." Chris takes Whitney to see his farm. Wait a minute, he only has 800 acres? I recall specifically that he supposedly had 6,000 acres (as said on Week 3). Whitney shows abnormally intense farm enthusiasm. They harvest corn. There were Shania Twain commercials where I live in Canada. Then they end the date in Whitney's hotel room. She sleeps with a picture of the two of them next to her bed (who gave her that photo?). Did I mention that Whit's ALL IN? Because she is. Like, she wants to marry Chris. And she's in love, like really in love. Love, in love, love, marry, farm, love, Iowa, gosh darn, heart, kiss. Then Chris takes the room service menu and leaves the room (did anyone else notice that?)

Ring Pickin'

Neil Lane shows up and complains about the cold. He likes places where he can tan. Chris looks scared. We don't get to see the final choice. Cushion diamonds with pave settings are this season's look. Chris says he doesn't even know who the ring is for. Great story for the farm kids. "Daddy was trying to decide between Mommy and another lady, so he picked a ring that both would like."

The Barn of our Love

Ye Barn of Love is decorated with every hoedown yeehaw thing that could be found in nearby flea markets. It's like some farmer pack-rat's attic. Decorating tip: you can never have too many lanterns. Chris says that this is the barn where he raised his first pig. Of course, that's where you'd want to get engaged. Bet they ate that pig at Christmas time. This is not Charlotte's Web, it's Iowa, people.

First out of the limo and into the barn is Becca. She's wearing a long red velvet number. It looks comfy, like tight pyjamas. She's like a cow for the slaughter, maybe because she's too chicken to fall in love and too sheepish about getting engaged. These are farm animal metaphors because they are in a barn. Chris breaks up with Becca and she couldn't care less. He's all upset and she just looks relieved. No crying in the limo for her.

Notice that it was all snowy when Becca's limo was driving to Chris, but the snow is all gone when Whitney is in the limo. Possibly manipulation to suggest that Becca is cold, and Whitney is warm. Those limos were not shot on the same day. I'm on to you, producers!

Whitney exits the limo in a form-fitting black or navy dress. Remember that Whitney's all in and ready to get married. And have babies. Oh, and she wants to move to Iowa. Because she's in love. For the record, she loves Chris, so jot that down please. She's shaking because it's freezing outside and she's also scared. She talks way more than Chris does. But Chris gets down on one knee and proposes with the stunning cushion diamond in the blingy pave setting. Whitney accepts with relief. I'm personally relieved that she can't straddle him in that dress.

The happy couple sits in the window of the barn and, oops, Whitney falls down and breaks her neck and Chris calls Becca on her cell. Just kidding. They don't fall, they just sit there doing nothing, foreshadowing a life devoid of urban entertainment.

After the Final Rose

Chris Harrison is a bit off his game tonight, he seems more nervous or something. Maybe about the upcoming Bachelorette announcement. I'll call him The Host because it's too confusing with two dudes named Chris. Anyhoo...Becca comes back to rehash her total indifference to Chris's existence. Becca wonders if she was crazy to go on a show never having been in love before. Agreed, not the best idea. The Host suggests she was a "lost cause" all along. Ouch! Becca says she's now more ready to fall in love. Good ending for her. She stayed classy and normal, and she'll be fine.

Next out is Whitney is a sparkly saran wrap dress. Too short for a straddle hug, thankfully. Chris says he's so happy with her because he really wanted to marry someone just like his sisters. This is in equal parts sweet and disgusting.

Whitney only watched her scenes on the show. This may be smart or a terrible idea. Chris's ambivalence was so extreme. Stay away from social media, Whit. She's been sneaking to Iowa and The Host seems mad about this. Maybe because Reality Steve (spoiler website hated by the show) predicted that she was the winner. No matter, the couple seems happy enough.

We see some footage of Chris's parents pressuring the couple for grandkids. That is just so annoying, can parents stop this behaviour, please. Especially pushy since they know Whitney for one day total. Talk about putting the cart before the horse! Let them make it to the barn-alter first. Whitney and Chris will get married in the field where Chris helped birth his first baby calf. Awwwww.

Jimmy Kimmel shows up, thank goodness because this show is sugar overload. He summarizes Chris's choice perfectly: "Bottom line, Becca wasn't into you." Chris laughs his cute dolphin laugh and then Jimmy brings out a cow named Juan Pablo as a wedding present. Poor cow! Total animal cruelty for the sake of entertainment. The cow only speaks Spanish and has no clue what's happening.

In Other Bachelor News 

Ashely S. semi-accepts to be on Bachelor in Paradise: "I suppose I might be there."

Bigger announcement: Britt AND Kaitlyn are both going to be on the Bachelorette. The 25 guys will choose who will be the Bachelorette on the first night. Noooooooo! For this announcement, Britt and Kaitlyn come out in matching dresses like they're in some sort of mail order bride catalogue. In typical form, Britt acts very sincere and grateful, and Kaitlyn deadpans: "It's not ideal."

I can't call the show's choice misogynistic because they did this in Season 6 with two guys on The Bachelor. Twenty-five women voted between two possible Bachelors by choosing white or yellow roses. This is my issue: I don't want to see either woman rejected after having JUST BEEN REJECTED so terribly by Chris. Also, I was hoping for Kaitlyn - as was the audience, she got more claps, while Britt got some booing. I prefer funny and edgy to intense hugging and eye gazing. Britt's good with first impressions and making people feel special, she'll probably be the Bachelorette. But I wish it were Kaitlyn.

So that's it for this season of the Bachelor! It remains to be seen whether Chris and Whitney will make it past the 6-month mark (this is when most couples fail), and whether Whitney will really have 4 to 6 children. How much would the producers love a new Chritney baby each year? Betcha the producers have made a deal: one free tractor per baby.

I plan to recap The Bachelorette Season 11 (premiere: May 18, 2015) and Bachelor in Paradise (summer 2015). Until then, keep trucking, Bachelor Nation! And get some stuff done around the house, you watch too much reality TV (I'm talking about myself, obviously). See you in May!

Bachelor Season 19 (Chris Soules): The Women Tell All Recap (AKA Chris Harrison Loses a Hankie and Gains an Onion)

Time for the Bachelor's sour grapes episode, also called: The Women Tell All. This one was better than most with lots of drama. The take home point: It's a bad idea to have a blog where you write about why you dumped someone. Let's Bachcap!

Britt's Revenge

Britt cries through most of the episode. She defends her interest in kids, saying that she was a nanny and a coach and that she visited orphanages. That's one kiddy-filled CV. Britt feels that Carly ruined her chances with Chris. The top nasty comment of the night is when she tells Carly to let her speak because "you've pretty much narrated my entire love story for the past 3 weeks." Yikes. Britt gets full revenge by pitying Carly, saying that Carly demonized her because she was in pain. Pity is waaaay worse than anger. She also implies that Carly can't deal with her own emotions productively. This is how women fight sometimes. Fists would hurt less. 

Britt shakes it off

Britt still stands a chance at Bachelorette, but she's more likely for Bachelor in Paradise. And they'll thrown in Carly and Eyelashley, just to drive Britt bananas. Whether you like Britt or not, she's a good communicator. 

Did you notice the part after the break where Chris Harrison and Britt are having an off-camera chat? It's meant to look "live" but this show was taped. We're on to you, producers!

Kelsey Ruins the Silk

I'm so over this drama with Kelsey. Everyone's ashamed for being mean to the widow, but no one's opinion has changed. The bitter back row of Early Eliminateds go for the jugular. Samantha broke her vow of silence to smack talk Kelsey. Shhh, Samantha, we thought you were nicer when you were mute! Eyelashley remained unimpressed, and the other contestants stared at Kelsey as if they were smelling bad cheese. Kelsey sounds a bit like an alien guessing that the women show contempt on their faces. Ya think?!? On the positive side, her hair looked way better. 

Best part: Kelsey asks for a tissue and Chris Harrison offers her his hankie. She notices it's silk and proceeds to give a full honk into it. The whole audience groans. "It's yours now" Chris quips. But come on, where is the Kleenex box? 

Noooo, not the silk!

An Onion for your Thoughts

What can I say about Ashley S.? She's a true original who gets her own eccentric soundtrack. She gives Chris Harrison an onion as a hosting gift and proceeds to be as off-beat as she was on the show. Chris Harrison loves her outer space responses and invites her to Bachelor in Paradise. Ashley RSVPs: "It's just so weird that we're on TV." I guess that's a maybe!

The onion means I like you

Jade Knows the Truth

Chris Harrison introduces Jade as the one with "X-rated secret in her past." C'mon, that's a little dramatic, Mr. Harrison. He says, "thanks for being here, I appreciate it" even though she's contractually obligated. Basically, Jade is mad that Farmer Chris's blog said he was "disturbed" by the chasm between his impression of Jade (shy), and her family's description (The Wild Mustang of Nebraska). She knows the truth (rejected due to photos) but she's unlikely to get it out of Chris.

Kaitlyn for Bachelorette!

Kaitlyn gets a lot of attention, paving her way to be the Bachelorette. I admit, I hope it's her. She's sad, felt blindsided, and misses her dear farmer. That's pretty much it. I miss the monkeys. Hope her heart heals soon so she can make more jokes. Can you believe this is the same person who told Chris the plow joke right out of the limo?!

Let's find this lady a husband

Chris Shows More Respect than Empathy

Farmer Chris finally comes out to face the women whom he's disappointed. Britt hugs him for way too long, like 10 minutes or so. Everyone's sitting around, texting, making dinner plans. The hug continues. Britt's all compliments to Chris, but he's as cold as this stupid winter (sorry, I'm so sick of this weather on the east coast). He gives a curt "thank you" and then giggles to Chris Harrison as Britt leaves the couch. Um, she can still see and hear you, Chris!

It's fun to see your ex

From Farmer Chris, Kaitlyn gets a "you look beautiful" and lots of face twitching. She felt she got zero explanation for the dumpage. But it was soooo hard picking amongst the final three, the farmer explains: "Like throwing darts at a dartboard in the dark." Because that's how you should choose your life parter from a group. You could also: a) flip a coin, b) spin a bottle, or c) play eenie-meenie-miny-mo. At least he apologizes for making her stand through a rose ceremony for nothing. 

Jade hears, yet again, that it wasn't the photos that sent Chris running. But it was totally the photos and his fear of gossip at high school football games and PTA meetings. 

Chris Harrison the Author?

Awkward transition to bloopers! The best were about Farmer's dolphin laugh. That's so true. He's totally a dolphin. 

Whoops, mistakenly changed the channel to America's Funniest Home Videos

Chris Harrison plugs his book: "The Perfect Letter." Chris Harrison is divorced and I bet there are tons of women who want to date him. But he's sitting home at night writing a romance novel? Now this is unexpected. I'll probably get a sample for my Kindle and report back to ya'll. 

They wanted to call it "The Amazing Letter" but Jimmy Kimmel said no

Next week is the 3-hour finale. Does Farmer Chris pick frontrunner Whitney or subdued Becca? We'll find out in a week. See you then!

P.S. Here's an article with post-show interviews with Britt, Kaitlyn, and Kelsey. And here's Chris Soules's blog.

Chris and his future wife

Bachelor Canada News: Tim and April Have Broken Up

Hello Bachelor Nation! Before we get to Tim and April, you can find all THE BACHELORETTE CANADA SEASON 1 (2016) recaps here!

As for the sad news from the Bachelor Canada: Tim Warmels and April Brockman broke their engagement. Not a real surprise, but no one likes a break up. The engagement was over within 6 months, which is the norm for the Bachelor franchise. That's how long people need to notice all the red flags. It's sad to say, but April never seemed that into Tim.

She seems to be recoiling

But the ring was nice

Here's what Tim had to say about it on his blog:

"Sometimes the right decisions are some of the toughest to make and it is with very heavy hearts we say that although we love each other very much, we have decided to end our engagement. We wanted to take some time to come to terms with our situation before announcing it. We want everyone to know that we both still very deeply believe in the kind of love that we were looking for when we went on the show and we believe this love exists now more than ever. Our love for each other has been very real and we’ve learned an incredible amount from each other that we will grow positively because of. We’ve experienced so much love, we have no regrets and we cherish the journey we’ve gone through together. We’ve come to realize that we are better suited as great friends and we will always remain so. We know in our hearts that this is the right decision for us, even though it has been one of the hardest decisions in our lives. We are so thankful to everyone who supported us and who has shown us so much love throughout our relationship. April & Tim"

That's zero for two for Bachelor Canada. Brad and Bianka from Season 1 split about two years after the show.

Sorry for the bad news, but you kinda expected it, right?

Check out this post to see why the chance of getting married from being on The Bachelor is less than 1%. Here's your list of who's still together from The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Bachelor Canada, Bachelor in Paradise and Bachelor Pad.

Now go check out The Bachelorette Canada recaps. No spoilers. Enjoy!

The Bachelor Season 19, Episode 9 (Fantasy Suites) Recap: "I Love You, and You, and You Too"

Goodbye Middle America, hello Bali. It's nice to travel, even if there's 100% humidity. Fun fact: At this point in the show, the women all get separate flights and hotels. Supposedly, this is so they can focus on their relationships with Chris. Or maybe it's just because any dude would seem attractive after being in solitary confinement. Let's bachcap!

Monkey See, Monkey Pee

Kaitlyn gets the first date in Bali. Chris offers her the city date, which means "I saved the yacht for someone else." Chris and Kaitlyn walk around and meet Balinese people and Chris weirdly hugs everyone even though he's sweating like mad. The sweat isn't his fault, but the sweaty hugs are.

The Balinese and their monkeys have partnered in a tourist trap. Tourists buy $10 bananas and monkeys climb on the tourists to eat the bananas. I'd never agree to this monkey climb. Just, nope. Kaitlyn does an excellent monkey impression but keeps her distance. Chris lets the monkeys climb all over him and he's rewarded with a monkey tinkle. It was so disgusting, his entire arm was soaked with primate pee. The monkeys do it on purpose because: no consequences. I'll eat that banana and pee all over you, and whatcha gonna do about it?

He's lucky it wasn't a number two

The relationship dynamics on this show are so twisted. Kaitlyn talks about letting her guard down, and Chris also talks about feeling vulnerable. Not a fair comparison because Kaitlyn's auditioning for the role of wife and Chris wields all the power. This huge power differential means that all of Chris's relationships are being formed in la-la-land. In real life dating, he'd have to work so much harder with these same women.

As per the custom, Chris proposes the fantasy suite at dinner, saying, "We deserve this." Kaitlyn accepts because they always do. Inside the fantasy suite there's a tub full of rose petals. Chris better pre-shower to take off the monkey pee. Kaitlyn says, "I'm completely falling in love with you." Chris reciprocates: "I'm falling in love with you too." Whoa, a reciprocation on this show. Just wait, there's more of these.

My analysis: Kaitlyn is funnier than Chris and has better judgement in matters related to monkeys.

The Yacht Means "I Love You"

Let it be known that the yacht means that the Bachelor likes you best. Whitney greets Chris by jumping up and wrapping her legs around him. Why are all the women doing this move this season? It's a monkey move, come to think of it.

Chris and Whitney board the old-fashioned yacht with a drunk looking Balinese captain at the helm. The captain backs into the docks, but sure, let's go out on the open seas with this guy. Surprisingly, no seasickness for the two lovebirds. Other than the drunken captain, the date isn't so interesting. Chris must reassure Whitney that it's not a big deal that her sister didn't give Chris the blessing to propose. Whitney feels "disadvantaged" because she didn't get the blessing, even though the sister said that Chris could ask again when he's actually ready to propose. Sigh. Her sister is so rational, Whitney's lucky to have such a level-headed big sis. It's too bad she can't appreciate this in her single-minded quest for a hubbie.

Was there anyone standing on that dock?

At dinner, Whitney explains that she also feels "disadvantaged" because she didn't get to spend time in Arlington. She won't be wishing for more Arlington time once she's stuck in that house with 4 to 6 kids (his number). Her word "disadvantaged" means that Whitney sees this as a competition. She's soooo set on this prize. Chris is (stupidly) worried that Whitney won't want to quit her job. Whitney explains that she only had her career "in case" her plan to be a wife and mom didn't work out. Helpful hint: Don't say this at your job interview. Whitney's employers are watching and they're feeling less excited that they let Chris mess with the embryos. Whitney tells Chris that she's ready to have babies and he looooves this. He just wants the housewife. Her fertility job was a convenient advertisement: "I make babies."

Whitney has long ago said that she loves Chris. Chris is also falling in love with her and he can see himself proposing. He offers the fantasy suite. Whitney pauses for effect, but we know she's all in. Him: "Let's take things to the next level." Her: "Check please." Seriously, they both said these things. It's a fair bet that Arlington will soon have 4 to 6 more inhabitants.

My analysis: Whitney and Chris want to reproduce and populate that town. This shared goal unites them and makes her the frontrunner.

Becca Better Say Something Soon

Really, enough with this whole "Becca's a virgin" thing. The whole date is a preamble to the big reveal. For this date, Chris takes Becca to a Balinese farm town where he can geek out over the agricultural techniques of yore. They visit a medium who makes really boring predictions, but at least he doesn't pee on you. "You are a very good couple. You will be good parents." Chris dares to ask what's Becca's biggest weakness, and the medium says "Hard to Control." Okay, that one was intriguing. Then the medium suggests "making love" and facing west while doing this. You must be completely covered in the Balinese temples, but here's the Dr. Ruth of Bali with the sexy advice. Or maybe he's the Balinese Dan Savage. Take your pick.

"Hahaha your producers paid me $100 US dollars to say this"

Becca keeps talking about the "temptations" of the fantasy suite. That medium really got to her. At dinner, no word about her secret, though. Becca tells Chris that she'd have to be very sure about the relationship to move to Arlington. This is so reasonable a statement, but on this show it's considered brave to admit having any sort of preference as pertains to your life. The right answer on the Bachelor to every question: "Whatever you want is what I want."

Becca tells Chris she thinks she's falling in love but she ends this with a question mark. He tells Becca he knows he's falling in love with her. Okay, what? He loves them all? Chris would totally propose a sister-wives scenario but he must know that wouldn't fly.

In the fantasy suite, finally, FINALLY, Becca tells Chris her secret. He's shocked but recovers nicely.

"I told everyone else this already, so here goes"

No idea what went on in the fantasy suite with the temptations, but how gross is it that Chris just did the same thing with two other women in the same week. Turns my stomach more than Captain Tipsy's yacht. The next morning, Becca and Chris are not doing okay. They had some sort of serious conversation that didn't sit well with them.

My analysis: Chris can see Becca as his baby-mama, and she'd fit in with the Iowa people. Her withholding nature makes him work harder, and this farmer ain't afraid of work.

Chris Harrison is the Advice Monkey on Your Shoulder

Farmer Chris is freaking out the morning of the rose ceremony. He has a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison who proposes the excellent strategy of weighing the pros and cons of each woman. Like you would if you were hoping to buy a vacuum. Farmer Chris is sure about one rose ("I'm falling in love with Whitney") but he's debating between Kaitlyn and Becca. He knows that Kaitlyn would move to Arlington, but Becca isn't sure yet. He knows she's "passionate" from the fantasy suite but he's not happy that she wouldn't move to Iowa right away.

"Do what's best for you and our ratings"

Time for the rose ceremony. And they're wearing these outfits:

Farmer's looking cinched

The women are also in special temple outfits:

Not awkward at all

Farmer Chris preempts the ceremony to talk privately to Becca. No kissing allowed in the temple, just how Becca likes it. Okay that wasn't nice, but that's what her mom and sister would have said. Chris sits down with Becca and gets the reassurance that she's also falling in love with him. She comes back to the rose ceremony with a big smile on her face and we all know Kaitlyn's a goner.

First rose goes to Whitney, second rose to Becca.

Kaitlyn's so blindsided, it's hard to watch. All she can say: "What happened?" Fair enough, Kaitlyn. The guy just told her that he was falling in love, of course she's surprised. I also thought she'd be final two. A maniac rooster is making a racket in the background during their break-up. Hopefully, with time, Kaitlyn will find this whole thing hilarious. Not yet, though. Chris's platitudes are useless. In the limo of rejection, Kaitlyn calls this the most humiliating moment of her life. She says she's confused and the whole cockadoodledoody thing blows her mind.

Let's take a step back here. Chris and Kaitlyn weren't the perfect match in terms of personality.  I really couldn't see her cooped up in his farm house with the 4 to 6 kids. Kaitlyn's too dynamic for that kind of lifestyle. My opinion: she's a great option for Bachelorette. Kaitlyn's like Desiree with a better sense of humour, and minus the homicidal brother. If she doesn't get Bachelorette, some awesome guy will snap her up as quickly as a monkey will pee on you.

Coming Up Next: Women tell all next week, then a 3-hour finale the week after that. From Eyelashley to Kelsey to Britt to Ashely S., there's a lot of potential for interesting stuff next week. Can't wait!

"But who will he pick?"

This monkey's not stressing about it

The Bachelor Season 19, Epsiode 8 Recap - Farmer Chris and the Wild Mustang

Anyone else feeling overdosed on Bachelor this week? Five hours is quite enough in two days. But we love this show and - in theory - we can't get enough. So let's bachcap!

Becca's First Love?

Before hometowns, we're still in Iowa. This state just sucks you in for the rest of your life. The last Iowa date goes to Becca. Chris learns that Becca has never been in love. Possible red flag. Not the fact that she hasn't been in love, that can happen. The red flag = never being in love and going on this show as your first stab at it. Chris doesn't seem to mind.

First love should occur off-camera

Bye-Bye Britt 

Pre-rose ceremony, Britt is packed and ready to go home. She can't handle the non-mutual nature of Bachelor relationships. I.e., Britt told Chris she wants to marry him, Chris gave a rose to Kaitlyn. I get it, this would not fly in real life. But this is The Bachelor and there are The Rules. Britt knows that Chris was not pleased with her outburst on the last group date. She is probably trying to preempt the dumpage. 

Carly is so uber-jealous this episode and she's itching for Britt to leave, as are the others. The others remember that last week was the "Chris & Britt" show. They don't think that Britt's really going to leave - she just wants Chris to beg her to stay. They may be right. No cocktail party so Britt must grab Chris as the the rose ceremony starts. 

Chris confronts Britt: "I'm not saying that you're lying. But I've been told that you've potentially been lying." Smooth. He caves and admits Carly told him that Britt didn't like Iowa. If you tell Chris a secret it's like posting it on Facebook. He'll tweet your secret while you're not looking. 

Britt apologizes about challenging Chris on the group date, but it's too late. He was over her since the group date. He's harsh: "The way you reacted is not what I want for a wife." Ouch! Britt's not a bad person, she doesn't gossip. She's just in the pretty person bubble, and for that we can blame society. Goodbye, Britt. You won't have a hard time finding a boyfriend who lives in a more populated city. 

"I'll walk you out of Iowa"

Roses go to Whitney, Becca, and Jade. Kaitlyn already has Britt's rose. Carly is out and has a typical limo-cry, saying that she's always the rejected one. Although Carly is sweet and funny, I'm always frustrated with this attitude. The whole drama of this show is BASED ON REJECTION. If you want to feel wanted, date a guy who's not as cute as you and lives with his mother. 

Goodbye Carly, we'll miss you! But you were getting bitter and aren't cruises more fun than cornfields? I hope you find a nice boyfriend soon. 

Hometowns #1: "This is Big"

Becca's hometown date is in Louisiana. It's remarkable only for the shocked attitudes of her family members. Becca has never brought a guy home. She won't hold hands with guys. She seems uninterested in relationships. Her mom and sister are completely shocked that she could be dating anyone. In her mom's words, "This is big." Becca's floopy red blouse is perhaps bigger, but this thing with Chris is big too. 

Hometown #2: Whitney Wants a Sample

In Chicago, Whitney takes Chris to work at the fertility clinic. She pranks him by pretending she wants a sample. Psych! I found it disturbing that they were all hanging out as an embryo was being created. Can you really just hover over it like that? Is that sterile? 

Beware: This clinic lets just anyone play with the embryos 

Let us note that this is the only Hometown where Chris asks for a blessing for a proposal. This may mean that Whitney and her helium voice are the frontrunners. Whitney defines her sister as the one who can give the blessing. Whitney is so in looooove and begs for her sister's consent ("Please do not ruin this for me"). But the sister can't agree when Whitney remains one of four. She tells Chris she can only bless the proposal if Whitney is the final choice: "Call me when you have that for her." Now that is rational. It's so weird when the guy asks all four families for a blessing and three families are left looking like idiots. 

Whitney optimistically opens a bottle of wine that she was saving for her husband and they toast. Hmmm maybe should have waited a week or two longer, just in case.

Hometown #3: Stop Rapping Now Please

Kaitlyn is from Alberta but her family lives in Phoenix for the winters. I'm freezing in Canada right now, believe me this family is smart. 

This date revealed that Kaitlyn is way cooler than Chris. She takes him to a recording studio where they write a rap song together. Chris has zero rhythm and the techs are smirking and they have to do a million takes. Even worse, he didn't come up with even one funny line for the song. It was all about love and journeys and roses. Kaitlyn is cool and hilarious and I just can't imagine her with such a serious and awkward dude. I like Chris, just not for her. 

One of these people is funnier than the other

An example: Chris goes to every house with a bottle of wine and flowers. It's polite and sweet but generic and traditional, while Kaitlyn's an original. Kaitlyn can't say that she loves Chris, but she "hearts" him and she paid for a billboard to prove it. See, cute and creative. If she doesn't "win," I'm voting Kaitlyn for Bachelorette. 

Hometown #4: The Wild Mustang

The most dramatic Hometown goes to Jade, whose family lives in Nebraska. Chris keeps saying how he loves Jade's "midwest & small town values." Chris meets Jade's family (dad and fiancée, mom, brothers) and presents her with a letterman jacket from his high school. Like she'd wear that ugly thing. 

The family is hinting so hard at Jade's Playboy past. They call her a "wild mustang" and "free spirit" and say that she's been "too much to handle" for some guys. You gotta watch out for the quiet ones! I find it funny that the family has horse pillows - this date now has a horsey theme. Jade's dad was so sweet when he cries and says that he wants her to be with someone who "doesn't put you down for being you." I love how her dad accepts her so completely.

The date goes downhill when Chris and Jade go to this seedy hotel room and Jade reveals the whole Playboy thing. Chris is so shocked! Jade asks if he wants to see the photos and videos. He absolutely does not want to see them, but he says he's okay with it. This is his face while they look at the laptop together:

Oh, a video too...

Chris wanted to see Jade's wild side and now: "I saw her out of her shell...completely out of her shell." He tells Jade that it's not a dealbreaker. But he tells the camera that he would have to explain this to his conservative neighbours and coworkers. And what would the pastor think?

The Mustang is Set Free

Rose ceremony in Iowa and Chris is falling in love with multiple people. He calls Whitney first, then Kaitlyn, then Becca. I suspect this is the true hierarchy. Poor Jade is kicked out because of her past. Chris sits with her and lies to her face. Chris says it's only because the other relationships were moving faster. Ya, right. He can't lie and he twitches so obviously while saying this that Jade actually laughs - before she starts to cry hysterically. She gets what's really going on.

This was the twitch of lies

Very obviously, Jade was a frontrunner. She was the only one who: saw Chris's home, met his parents, got his letterman jacket. But the racy pics (and video) changed everything. Chris can't admit it, but they did. And this is fair enough. Chris is tortured and crying because he's afraid he'll regret this decision. He's a conservative guy who couldn't handle the Mustang. He made the right decision for himself, and Jade deserves much better for herself. 

As her dad said, Jade needs to be with a guy who can accept her for who she is. She doesn't seem embarrassed of the pictures and neither should her boyfriend. I predict there are likely many great guys who are perfect for the Wild Mustang. She just needs to tell them about the Mustang soon so she can weed out the ones who can't handle it.  

Here's something funnier that happened at the end. I'll just say that Whitney's dog has already found her true love. 

May Chris be as happy with his choice

Coming up next week: Fantasy suite dates! I'm curious to see how Becca handles it and whether she will "order room service" as her sister insinuated. See you then!

The Bachelor Season 19, Episode 7 Recap - Chris Tells All (Or Nothing) and Hellloooo Iowa

The Bachelor had a special night on Sunday, February 15: Chris Tells All followed by a full episode in Iowa. The Bachelor is messing with its format, leaving rose ceremonies as cliffhangers. If you missed the drama on Sunday, or if you just want to relive it, here's your bachcap.

Chris Tells Nothing

This was a non-event. First, Chris Harrison interviews Kelsey (disliked widow). Kelsey really needs PR advice. She counters the allegations of manipulation and condescension by overusing big words and making up a new word: "malintentions." I checked, not in the dictionary. I think she meant "ill intentions." Kelsey anticipates a "crucifixion" at Women Tell All - a metaphor some people may not appreciate. Humility, humour, and genuineness would have helped more. I miss Eyelashley. 

In the news: Kelsey resigned from her guidance counsellor job and will be moving to Paris to be a writer. No comment.

Next, we have the completely banal interview with Farmer Chris. Nothing happens, just a bunch of old footage, but I find their treatment of Ashley S. to be rather insensitive. Who knows why she was wandering around the mansion and saying odd things. Maybe she has a real problem, maybe she's messing with the cameramen. It just seemed in bad taste to exploit this more. 

But seriously, can we spend some time wrecking reputations here.

The most interesting part of the episode was Chris Harrison's interview with Andi Dorfman, the Bachelorette from last season who recently split from winner/fiancé Josh Murray. They lasted about 6 months, which is typical for this show's relationships. Andi cries the whole way through, but she uses the same mascara as Eyelashley so no streaks.

Main points: Josh was her soulmate. They were too similar. There was tension. They didn't "better each other." Neither would back down in a fight. Josh was her first love and first heartbreak. The break-up was mutual. Andi feels grateful to "be a part of everything" (Bachelor family? Famous now?). But this was the "biggest failure of my life." Chris Harrison does some counselling. The end.

Chris Harrison obviously adores Andi. Could this be hinting at a second run on the Bachelorette? Or maybe Chris Harrison wants to ask her out himself. After a respectable amount of time has passed, of course.

The Iowa Episode

Last week left us in Deadwood. Sweet 'ol Megan is sent packing prior to the rose ceremony. Upon returning home, she learns geography and takes an actual vacation to Mexico (the country) where she falls in love with a cabana boy.

But wait, there will be no rose ceremony. The remaining women have to fake looking excited to go to Iowa. By this time on Andi's season, they were in Belgium. And on Juan Pablo's season, they had already been to Vietnam, New Zealand and South Korea. For Chris's season? Fields. 

Not a top tourist destination.

The Small Matter of Uncle Iowa

This week, the theme is: Could you really live in Iowa? As I've said before, Iowa is treated as Chris's deranged uncle who lives in the basement. Chris is a real catch, but can the women grow to accept life with Uncle Iowa? 

I picture Uncle Iowa as Steve Martin's "Ruprecht" in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Small town Iowa is fine and beloved by those who live there. It's just not going to work for most of the women who go on reality television shows.  

Jade Gets the First Look

First date goes to Jade. Chris is so insecure about Arlington, Iowa, he probably picked Jade for the date because she's also from a small town. But even Jade is taken aback. Her commentary: "There's so much corn. Cows. Dirt road. Telephone poll....I'd have to readjust to the slow pace...It's more isolated than I though it would be." This does not bode well for the others.

Chris and Jade do the only possible date activity in Arlington: Tour the ghost town and go to Chris's high school to watch a football game. Oh goodness. Already I'm crossing Britt and Kaitlyn off the Iowa census. 

Chris likes Jade but wants to see her "wild side." He could use Google for that, as we will find out soon. Later this episode, Jade tells Carly about her nude modelling. It's doubtful that conservative Chris will take this too well. His idea of wild: Kissing Jade next to his high school locker. 

Whitney Gets the Best Date

Chris gives another one-on-one to Whitney. They go take pictures of themselves around Des Moines to document their "love story." Can you say, "Cheese?" Whitney can! She even wants to show the pics to their future kids. Do people really think like this on second dates? Whitney then meets Chris's three best friends and they love her because she honestly wants to become the farm wife. Sadly, Whitney doesn't have parents. She's looking for awesome in-laws, a great husband, and a future dad. All the boxes are checked for Whitney!

All in.

The date ends with a mural:

Based on this photo:

Whiney says she saw the mural and fell in love in with Chris. She jumps onto Chris and wraps her leather-clad legs around him, and it's a bit icky but okay because it's love. I like how the mural makes Whitney look generic so it could represent whomever Chris picks.

Secret Road Trip

Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Becca take a secret road trip from Des Moines to Arlington to see what they'd be getting themselves into. This is the last time this 3-hour drive will be any fun. Same ride every time you have to go to a big hospital, take an international flight, or have a craving for Starbucks. 

Enjoy it while you can

Britt and Kaitlyn don't seem too impressed by the ghost town. What happened to that bar that was on episode one? Carly is okay with the town because the church has the same picture of Jesus as the one that hang on her grandparents' wall. Ye looketh for signs and thee shall find them. 

No Starbucks here

Carly is utterly frustrated with Britt. She can't handle that Chris may propose to someone who will reject Uncle Iowa and she's protective of Chris. There may be some jealously here too. This is what Carly thinks of Britt's behaviour:

Reminding me of Amy Poehler on this episode

Carly's "Britt Hand Puppet" takes it a step farther:

Behold the hand puppet of jealousy

Possibly, Carly learned the hand puppet trick on the cruise ships. Low budget entertainment and fun for all ages! 

Britt Skates on Thin Ice

Iowa has a skating rink that sets the scene for Chris's group date with Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly. They are all terrible skaters. There is no hand-holding while skating that you'd expect on a date like this. Only a lot of the following:

Attractive

In Canada, men are expected to skate well and play hockey. Canadian Kaitlyn cannot be impressed. At least no one got a head injury. On the bleachers, Carly tells Chris that Britt is fake. 

Thankfully, Chris doesn't sell Carly out - he learned his lesson from last week. He subtly seeks the truth. Britt goes far to try to convince Chris that she can live in Iowa. She mentions having "reinvented" herself several times, and this can be another positive "reinvention." Wave the magic reinvention wand: I'm a farm wife! She says she wants to be a mom wherever she is. Chris doesn't doubt her for a second. 

Britt also talks about her family who likes to sit around and eat on paper plates. Then they all eat off of each other's plates. This would drive me bananas. 

Good salesperson

Although Chris seems convinced of her intentions, Britt is struggling to keep the "special feeling" she had from last week. When Kaitlyn gets the group date rose, Britt loses it. In front of Kaitlyn and Carly, she complains that she should have received the rose because, hometowns are coming, he'll meet her family, and she only has one family. Unlike the other women, who have two to four families each. 

See, Britt's thinking that she's making a huge compromise with the Iowa thing. She expects a lot in return. To suck up Iowa, it better be for a guy who adores her. Or maybe this is just her way of sabotaging the relationship without rejecting Iowa out loud. This way, she can appear to have given it a shot, when really she doesn't want to. 

Not the right time, Britt. And, what is this weird place?

Chris then does what he always done when confronted and uncomfortable. He stands up and walks off: "Goodnight!" Kaitlyn and Carly aren't too pleased with Britt. Later, Carly is downright giddy because she feels that Britt can't bounce back from her outburst. 

To be continued! The Bachelor's loves its cliffhangers this season. The previews show hometown dates with Jade, Kaitlyn, and Becca. My prediction: Whitney gets the final hometown, while Carly and Britt go home. Guess we find out real soon. À Bientôt!

Book Review: "I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends" by Courtney Robertson

As we gear up for Hometowns with Bachelor Chris Soules, we all can't get enough of The Bachelor! Here's a fun book to read as you wait for the next episodes. Recaps for Sunday (Iowa) and Monday's (Hometowns) episodes will be up as soon as possible! 

In the meantime, here is the recap for Farmer Chris (Week 6): Kelsey/Ashley 2-on-1 date (click here). Or read this book review!

When I saw that Courtney Robertson had written a tell-all book, I was intrigued. If you don't remember Courtney, she's the model who won Ben Flajnik's season of The Bachelor (Season 16).

Hard to forget

Up until the final rose, Courtney was the consistent frontrunner on Ben’s season. She was also the season’s villain. As the title suggests, she wasn't there to make friends. And friends she did not make. The other women sensed her status with Ben and wanted to throttle her. And thus was born one of the most memorable villains of Bachelor history.

Like the other contestants, Courtney fell for Ben quickly. In retrospect, she can list all the little icky red flags on their journey from engagement, to real-life relationship, to ultimate break-up. On the way, we get also insight into to the tabloid frenzy that ensued after the show. Turns out that being a villain kind of hurts one's modelling career. We also learn about Courtney’s pre- and post-Bachelor relationships, including her trysts with Adrian Grenier from HBO’s Entourage, Jesse Metcalfe from Dallas, and Arie Luyendyk, the race car driver from Emily's season of the Bachelorette.

I'm happy to report that Courtney's offering is compulsively readable. To the delight of Bachelor fans everywhere, she doesn’t mind kissing and telling. Fans will also appreciate the inside scoop about the Bachelor interview process, filming/editing, and living conditions.

I really liked her recaps of the season's memorable moments - like the time Ben and Courtney went skinny-dipping in Puerto Rico. She also caused controversy when they went to an indigenous village - all the contestants were asked to wear revealing beaded tops, but Courtney was the only one who didn't have a bikini top underneath. Also, we hear about the fake wedding she planned for Ben on her hometown date. Did you know that Courtney really didn't like the dress and gloves she had to wear to the proposal? The producers gave her limited choices and that's what she was stuck with. And yes, she had to return the ring.

Courtney goes for the jugular when discussing the other contestants: Remember Lindzi (who she calls horsey), Emily (Courtney hates her), and Blakeley (the one she called a "stripper")? Who knows where the real truth lies, but I was so entertained that I didn't really care. 

As a Bachelor viewer, I found this to be the perfect light read. Courtney says what she thinks and no one is spared. She’s not diplomatic, but that’s what makes this book so much fun. Some people may not like her character (she's a Reality TV villain after all), but you can't help but appreciate her frankness – and her propensity toward TMI. Her sense of humour comes out better in the book than it did on the show. 

As a Bonus, Courtney enticed other Bachelor/Bachelorette alumni to write little sections in the book. You gotta invite the Bachelor family to all events, right? Only Chris Harrison and the producers themselves are missing. I do wonder if she had to run it by them prior to publishing. 

Do bring this book to the beach, read it on the bus, or curl up with it on the couch wiih a nice glass of merlot. Bonus points if you read it with a bottle from Ben's own vineyard. But any red would do.