Samantha Steffen and Nick Peterson Break Up

Surprising no one, Samantha and Nick from Bachelor in Paradise Season 2 have broken up. They are blaming the long distance relationship for the split. Click here for more information. On her Twitter, Samantha says that grilled cheese is most likely her soulmate. Ah cheese, the lover that never lies or leaves.

Jade and Tanner (Wild Mustang/IT-Looking Guy) from Bachelor Pad 2 are still going strong.

I have strong suspicions that Kaitlyn and Shawn from Bachelorette will split soon. But first, they probably want to make some money off of endorsements. Kaitlyn's blog had a recent post about a trip destination that seemed like a thinly veiled advertorial. Most of the contestants capitalize on their fame, and I guess you can't blame them, since most don't have the most glamourous careers before the show. Both Nick and Shawn are personal trainers, and Kaitlyn teaches dance. Samantha works in her family business/charities and fashion designs on the side.

I'll post again if I hear anything about Kaitlyn and Shawn's status - they are busy enjoying their new-found fame, making a living from endorsements and appearances. Most Bachelor relationships last about 6 months total. Here's my list of who's still together, and when people split (click here).

As for happier news, Bachelor with Ben is taping toward a premiere date in January! And here are a couple of baby otters:

You otter give me a kiss on the ear

Bachelor in Paradise Season 2: The Road to the Finale, and the Last Couple(s) Standing!

Take me down to Paradise City where the peeps are sweaty and the sand is gritty (Guns and Roses, 1987)

Here we are, at the end of the Bachelor Franchise's summer intensive. I love this show, but I live in Canada. It's only hot here for, like, 6 weeks a year. I wanted to recap sooner, but the chance to sit on patios with cocktails only lasts so long before I'm buried under a snowdrift.

My world for 10 months of the year

Here are my thoughts on the final two weeks:

TO SUM IT UP

On week 5, everyone not already in a relationship gets sent home. Mass exodous requiring multiple mini-van trips to the safe-hotel. Then Chris Harrison freaks the remaining couples out by saying that if they accept a final rose, it means that they are committing to "marriage, kids, the whole thing." The show tapes over three weeks, anyone else feeling this is a bit rushed? Kirk, I'm looking at you dude.

THE LAST COUPLES STANDING

We'll start with the "winners" and end with the solo travellers.

Jade and Tanner: Let's start with the best. These two are well-matched. There was zero drama and lots of mutual respect. Jade said that Tanner is the first guy to love every part of her. Adorable. The wild mustang and the I.T. guy (that's what he looks like to me) are engaged! Too bad the proposal had to happen with Tanner drenched in sweat. Couldn't the producers spring for a shaded canopy? Prediction: Married in Mexico in summer 2015.

Ruining all Mexican engagements

Samantha and Nick: I don't buy it. Nick looks at Samantha like she's a juicy cheeseburger and Samantha stares back vacantly. Nick threw his partner under the bus on Bachelor Pad by choosing not to split the $250,000, thereby keeping it all for himself. Whatta prince. Supposedly, they're still dating, even though Samantha seemed to have waaay more chemistry with Joe. So much that the images haunt my nightmares. She's just sticking around to prove she was in it for "love." Prediction: Once everyone forgets about this show, Samantha will dump the dude. She's already keeping 3 guys hooked via texts. Options, thee remain open.

Cassandra, Justin, and Jonathan: Justin was the default date dude. He went out with everyone, even one of the parakeets, a fat crab, and Jorge's sister. Besides Justin's horrible sunburn, there was not much to remember. Oh, except he likes to "conversate." When Cassandra asked what he liked about her, Justin could only come up with: "Yous pretty lady." At least say you like her hair or eyes or extreme height. Work harder. Justin's laziness gets him dumped by Cassandra after the show and...surprise! Jonathan and Cassandra got together in Detroit (where they both live) when they met at a work gig. See, you can totally meet people to date in real life when those people are people you met on a reality show! Prediction: Cassandra and Jonathan will date a while even though they said on After Paradise that their kids fight all the time.

Fine, they're cute

THE ALMOST BUT NOT QUITES

Carly and Kirk: Carly liked Kirk more than he liked her. Kirk said at the beginning that he wanted to take it slow because he was just out of a break-up. Carly was very excited about Kirk. Kirk found her excitement endearing and went with it. Until he found the excitement to be terrifying. Disastrous pacing mismatch. They could have made it in different circumstances, as they're not a bad match. Kirk was really annoying during the break up, insisting that Carly hear his break-up speech. An obvious attempt to mollify his own conscience. Good for Carly holding her ground. I hope she forgives him, for herself - carrying around that anger can't be healthy. Prediction: Carly will write more break-up songs. Kirk will be even more gun-shy in future relationships.

Tenley and Joshua: Tenley is just so nice. She basically pulled a Kirk (last minute break-up) but she phrased it way better so she got away with it. No way she broke up with Joshua because of the long-distance. She just didn't like Joshua enough to be with him. Prediction: Tenley will be engaged within the year. Joshua will compare every other girlfriend to Tenley. Keep away from spiked coconuts, K Joshy?

Eyelashley and Jared: Jared looked morose the entire season. He had a bubble over his head saying, "Why did I do this stupid show, better suck it up, collect the paycheck and hightail it back to Rhode Island." The issue wasn't Kaitlyn, it was the fact that he's too down-to-earth for Paradise. I hope that Eyelashley learns this: If you have to work hard to impress a guy, he's not worth it because one day you'll be sitting at home in sweats eating Häagen Dazs and watching Bachelor in Paradise Season 8 and you won't want to feel insecure about it in front of your husband. Eyelashley Prediction: Her sister blames her for messing up the relationship. Jared Prediction: I find out what restaurant Jared manages in Rhode Island and I totally go there for dinner.

Just Googled it, he manages this place. Oysters, mmm.

GOING SOLO 

Ashley S.: Love her. Please, let her host her own show on Animal Planet.

Amber: No luck with either Dan or Justin. She's friends with Samantha (as per After Paradise) - huh?

Jaclyn: Couldn't get a date, but best quotes of the season. 1) On Justin choosing Cassandra over her because they're both parents: "So, like, I didn't get knocked up when I was 19. Sorry." 2) On the "key to success" on Paradise: being a single parent, talking to animals/fruits, or being a "total psychopath": "I can't tell if I'm winning or losing."

Chelsie: I'm pretty sure she was on this show.

Mikey: Will drown his sorrows in protein shakes.

Do people really drink this stuff?

Juelia: Does not belong on reality television. She has already played her "but I left my kid to find love" card twice. Needs to accept that she will have to find love it the real world. Get this woman a babysitter so she can go out once a month.

Dan: Not into the women who like him (Amber, Ashley S.) and doesn't make a move on the women he likes (Samantha, Cassandra). Dating strategy needs improvement.

Mackenzie: Her son is named Kale and maybe it should be illegal to do that to a child. She's into aliens and stuff. Help.

WHAT WE LEARNED

1. Out of 29 people on a reality dating show (yes, there were 29 cast members), 2 will get engaged. That's a 7% chance (I did the math). Civilian dating is still superior to Bachelor dating.

2. An After Paradise reality show is kind of like adding fries to a burrito. Maybe sounds good for a second before you realize, nope, not really necessary.

3. Cannibal crabs are taking over Mexico. Someone should look into this.

We're taking ovah!

4. Jorge's idea of a cocktail is putting soda with cranberry and vodka. And he has no idea about the relationships. But he better come back next year.

5. Love and drama-free couples conquer all! Yay for Janner!!!

That's all for Bachelor in Paradise Season 2. If I can muster the energy, I'll see you back here for a vanilla season with Ben Higgens as the Bachelor.

The Bachelor Season 20 premieres on January 4, 2016. 

See you in January!

Bachelor in Paradise: Weeks 3 and 4

Here are my thoughts from Weeks 3 and 4. Sorry so late, but devoting more than 4 hours to this franchise per week feels excessive!

Part of the delay is related to my AMAZING discovery: An awesome podcast about the Bachelor franchise called "Here to Make Friends." Click here for the iTunes link. Here's the description:

A HuffPost Podcast about The Bachelor, where hosts Emma Gray and Claire Fallon lovingly snark and recap the latest episodes from The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. Whether you love The Bachelor, or love to hate it, you will enjoy their witty discussion about this reality show and what it reveals about the world of dating. 

In case you prefer the blog format as written by some crazy Canadian, here are some thoughts about the couples from the past 2 weeks:

Clare and her raccoon: Paradise had nothing for Clare. Raccoon was a better catch than some (most) of these guys. Hoping for Clare to find a civilian husband because this show insists that she talks to animals. The joke is tired and Clare must be, too. Good luck, Clare!

Kirk and Carly: Carly's more into this relationship than Kirk. He's right, the pace of the relationship is ridonculous. The whole show is taped in 3 weeks. Did you know that? We're probably only at 10-14 days by this point.  I predict a short-term relationship that ends after the show.

JJ, Megan, and the girl that JJ left behind: Remember when Amy Schumer said that JJ was a "turd" who lacked charisma, humility, and a sense of humour? Turns out JJ's funny and pretty charismatic. Not so much humility, but he admits to living in mom's basement. I found out via Twitter that JJ did not end up with the woman for whom he left the show. Megan and JJ were the weirdest match ever, at least she has a souvenir sombrero.

Dan/Ashley S./Amber: So, here's the thing about Dan. The women like him more than he likes them. And his chest hair is looking funny as it grows back. Ashley S. is awesome. Ya, she's kooky when she drinks, but she's the most rational one around. I agree with everything she says, and it makes perfect sense to befriend crabs and birds in that environment. Can't trust the humans. I'm glad she got JJ's rose! Amber and Dan aren't going to last. Did you catch him talk about wanting to date Samantha?!?

Ashley S. and Nick: Doooomed relationship. Nick sometimes looks okay, sometimes looks like a smarmy Steve Buscemi.

Eyelashley and Jared: Jared's morose and has no interest in Eyelashley. He is bad at being direct, but Eyelashley seems to need the clear: "I don't like you" memo. Is she really going to try to entice Jared into a fantasy suite date? She has so much to offer, but seems to put men on this weird pedestal once she's interested in them. Eyelashley, they are guys not gods, curb your enthusiasm please.

Juelia and Mikey: Hahaha this relationship is as fake as Mexican wrestling exhibitions. Remember how Juelia recoiled when Mikey tried to kiss her in Week 2? Terrible couple.

Joe and Samantha: Their reality show lies are probably making their real lives hell. Piling on more of the same isn't really necessary at this point. Joe lied. Do you remember when Lily Taylor sang the Joe Lies song in Say Anything in the 1980s? Well, I do. Here's a clip (click here). Getting back to present times, these two really messed up on this show...because it's televised and they spoke out loud and their thoughts are mean. I don't really care about the "Who is worse" debate. Joe manipulated Juelia and says all sorts of sexist things, including calling Samantha a buck to put on his wall. Samantha denies everything when it's clear she's lying, but men still want to date her (Dan, sweaty Justin, Nick Buscemi). She looks like an evil queen from the Disney franchise.

Tenley and Joshua: I can't get over Joshua's molly in a coconut comments. Tenley seems nice. Why is she obsessed with his hand size? Not going to last.

Michael G. and his law degree: He was a good catch, but objective data such as: "nice and kind with good career" don't seem to matter. Arrival limo to reject limo in 5 minutes.

Jade and Tanner: The most likely to be exchanging vows on next year's show. They stand a chance!

Four more hours of Paradise this week, oh the humanity!

Bachelor in Paradise Week 2: Monday Night and After Paradise

Here are the top moments for Monday night's episode. This week, After Paradise was a stale tortilla. But we'll get to that later. First, to the resort! Here's your top 10:

1) Clare and Jared's tandem bungee jump was more terrifying than a solo jump. The only thing worse than bungee jumping is bungee jumping while tied to someone who is screaming in your ear. 

2) Michael G. arrives. Why does he have a G. if there is no other Michael? He's a corporate lawyer from Desiree's season. He calls Tenley an Elevenly. He was waiting months to use that line.

3) Tenley and Michael G. eat the plastic Bachelor dinner with wet feet surrounded by a huge band that's playing the same song that Kaitlyn sang to her suitors. Eating is better with dry feet in a non-claustrophobic mariachi situation.

4) Kentucky Joe: There are cameras everywhere and you just fried your rep, dude. But don't get mad at Joe for faking it with Juelia. Don't even get mad that he manipulated his "friend" Jonathan. Stay calm when Joe shares his deranged, violent thoughts. The world will get even with Joe. Waiters will be spitting in his soup for the next decade. OMG, Joe can't trust the food for the REST OF HIS LIFE.

5) Ashely S. sees all. Crystal onion ball.

"I see relationships that don't last!"

6) When a guy makes a big deal of your 8-year age difference (Clare and Jared), yup, it's over. 

7) Women, stop crying, you are all staying this week. What do they put in those drinks?

8) Rose ceremony grandstanding by Clare rubbed Jade the wrong way. Clare should just refuse to hand out a rose. As for Jade, I heard the cast is paid per episode. Nope, they're not only there for love.

9) If Kentucky Joe was so into this Samantha character, why didn't he get in touch during the off-season. You do not need to wait for Chris Harrison to introduce you personally to people you like. 

10) ROSES: Carly stays with Kirk. Jade is with Tanner. Ashley I. is with Dan. Elevenly chooses Joshua. Another rose ceremony cliffhanger. My predictions: Ashley I. chooses Jared, Juelia chooses Joe, Clare chooses Michael (or no one), and Mikey, Jonathan and JJ go home. 

After Paradise

Don't even bother watching After Paradise. I had to eat a whole bag of gummy bears to tolerate the idiocy. Chris Harrison is not in his zone. The show is too forced and not funny enough. I felt like I was stuck in molasses while ants were attacking me. In one, very sloooow hour of television these questions were answered:

Q: Do we hate Joe now?
A: Yes

Q: How much clothes can the cast bring?
A: Two suitcases each plus whatever they can make out of coconuts at the resort.

Q: Who's Samatha?
A: No clue but the footage of her kissing with Joe in the pool made me regurgitate gummy bears.

Q: Is 31 old?
A: Downright ancient. But only if you're female.

Q: Is Jonathan redeemed?
A: Yes, crying redeems you.

Q: Is it appropriate to conduct an audience poll about whether someone (Ashley S.) is crazy...while she's sitting right there.
A: As per Jenny Mollen (co-host) yes. And you can even tell the person to their face that you think they are crazy.

What's funny is that Chris Harrison and Jenny Mollen are just making themselves look bad. Ashley's straight man routine made them seem like the weird ones. Go Ashley S.!

Ya, me and the gummy bears will tune in next week.

 

Your Top 10 for Bachelor in Paradise Week 2 (Sunday Night)

Tonight was all about jockeying for roses. Your top ten for this week:

1. If you leave paradise, no one will help you with your suitcase. Adios, Lauren.

2. The fashion choices: Mikey's little ponytail, the American flag swimwear (Joe and Joshua), and for the win, Juelia's wacky headband. You seem really nice, Juelia, but maybe that was a necklace?

3. JJ's one liners killed it. If only he had brought that game at the comedy club with Amy Schumer! I especially enjoyed when he compared Joshua to a lazy carp. The best was: "A blind squirrel finds a nut every now and again." I feel that should be a Yiddish expression.

4. Bad first impression ideas from...
Josh: Talk about drinking illegally spiked coconuts and waking up in Vegas without your wallet.
Joe: Sit silently. Avoid eye contact. Ask someone out and when they try to confirm that you did it, say,"But did I?"

5. Fun facts: The cast gets blood tests prior to the show.  The men's necklaces double as microphones. The ocean possibly makes a cleaner bathroom than the actual washrooms at the resort (Ashely I.'s actions suggest this one). Joe doesn't speak spanish (mañana, NOT manata). Tenley was a princess in Tokyo's Disneyland. And, sorry Josh, Tokyo is NOT in China. 

6. The resort doubles as a Mexican zoo. The crabs! The birds! But, what did they put in the wine bottle to make Clare's raccoon paw at it like that?

7. Joe needs to pay more attention to the hidden cameras. Didn't he see Ashlee's fiasco last year? Saying Juelia is "not that smart" on national TV, ouch.

8. Juelia is waaaay too trusting for this show! I suggest eHarmony.

9. Clare didn't let Mikey kiss her and said she wanted to explore options. Ya, Mikey is not the best at reading the subtle cues.

10. Ashley is mad that Jared asked out Clare. She thinks Clare is old with dead eggs. Don't know if she's got dead eggs, but she's got your boyfriend. 

P.S., I found out via Twitter that Tenley enjoyed her kiss with JJ - soft lips, apparently. It was nice for JJ and Tenley to answer my Twitter questions! Visit me there if you are  inclined:
https://twitter.com/Bachcaps (@Bachcaps). Love him or hate him, JJ has a good sense of humour about himself.

This one's for Lauren I.!

See you tomorrow night!

Bachelor in Paradise - Week 1: Epsiode 2 & After Paradise

The guilty pleasures continue! Here are 10 thoughts about Episode 2 (Rose ceremony!) and After Paradise.

1. Tantric yoga (Clare and Mikey) is a really awful first date. The smells, the sweat. I'm gagging.

2. Ashley S. has a boooyfriend! That Dan guy seems pretty normal and cute. We still don't know why Ashley S. went to the ER. Dehydration? Parrot pecking injury? Glad they are showing more sides of her this season. She's an onion, people!

3. Jared looks like his dog just died. He just broke up with Kaitlyn and needs to be home eating ice cream from the container. Instead, he's dealing with a bunch of frantic, insecure drunk people. Not helping!

4. Tenley only kissed JJ to stay on the show. He's not complaining, but that was gross to watch.

5. Kardashley is on Jared-watch. I want to tell her: You are FINE! You just need to stop worrying what guys think of you. No guys are perfect. Look for their flaws, be skeptical. Let them win you over, rather than becoming obsessed with what they think of you. You can't "solidify" a relationship with effort, the best ones are mutual and gradual.

6. An oldie = Tenley at 31 years old? Farmer Chris was 33! He had a 21-year old on his season (Mackenzie mother of Kale). Juan Pablo was also in his 30s and had a 21-year old (Cassandra). No one called those guys old. 

7. Kardashley's sister has perfected bored-face. Girl wants to go home.

8. After Paradise is a combination of a) boring, b) super-awkward and c) cringe-worthy. It's really bad, but I can't look away! Like a soggy burrito, I keep eating but don't know why. I'll just need another activity while watching, maybe nail polish application.

9. The blonde Bachelor tweeter/blogger (Jenny Mollen) on After Paradise was incredibly rude. Maybe she doesn't realize that mean tweets make for awkward conversations. It is not okay to ask newly married, non-pregnant Lacy if she'll breastfeed as a means of commenting on her breast size. I thought that mean comments to contestants was considered bullying - but now the show has its very own bully-host!

10. Mikey's an alpha male who will jack you up and can't read the Clare cues. That said, they were so mean to him on After Paradise. Mikey looked like he was about to cry when the tweeters voted that they'd rather be in the Mexican ER than do yoga with him. Hulk sad :(((

As a final note, having a Bachelor/ette of colour is a great idea, as proposed on After Paradise. Just it can't be Jonathan. The cookie-monster from Andi's season (Marquel) would have been great.

That's all for this week! See you for the next episode.

This cat hates mean tweets

Bachelor in Paradise - Episode 1

Here are my thoughts about tonight's episode:

1. This show is still about putting monkeys in cage to see if they'll mate.

2. Eyelashley's laughcry persisting, sister's presence not helping. She calls herself Kardashley, but she'll always be Eyelashley to me.

3. Who is Kirk? I know! He's the guy who regrets "settling down" three episodes from now. Train wreck, I see you coming.

4. Was worried the parrots were going to eat the caterpillars off of Carly's face. Oh wait, those are eyebrows.

5. Don't wear foundation to the beach.

6. Tanner is the IT guy who's sarcastic while they fix your computer. "Hehe, you need an anti-virus update, it'll take awhile, hehe." Was that mean? He seems nice, maybe that was mean.

7. Hey, I thought Jared was supposed to shave for this show. Sparse as ever. But dude is popular. Ladies like the sparse.

8. Sucks to get married while Jillian sits there with a black box. Box joke played out.

9. Men like wild mustang. Wild mustang needs sunscreen.

10. I'm with Ashley-Onion - parrots are the most intriguing life forms on the resort.

The show's a great escape so far. I'm glad there's more to come!

"Dis show is silly but I looove it!"